29 April 2015

409: Creating My Own Conditions

Continuing from the previous blog...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of waiting, as waiting for some specific, perfect condition to provide me with the opportunity to move myself and utilize my potential, realizing that no condition is ever perfect, and that I must create the conditions myself, in how I condition myself in my day to day living actions as either being self-supportive or self-destructive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a point of waiting… as waiting for some future moment or event to signify my ‘okay’ to move myself and utilize my utmost potential, instead of realizing that this is simply existing within a future projection, an image within my mind of how things ‘may be’ and is essentially just existing within hope… hope for some future event to magically manifest wherein I THEN can live my utmost potential..

Here I realize it’s as if I’m in a resistance to living my potential, a resistance towards applying myself to the best of my ability and using the excuse or hope for better conditions to be the reason I cannot move myself to my utmost potential and so what is a resistance? A gift of what exactly to do… to stop waiting and to start moving as realizing I am the only one that can create the conditions in which I am living and expressing as my utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in my accepting and allowing myself to exist within a point of waiting and hope for some better living conditions or environmental conditions that will allow me to move more than I am currently, in terms of expanding my expression, my actions, my participation in various things, is to accept the nature of waiting for a savior, or waiting for jesus, or waiting for a sign to give me the ‘go ahead’, which is a perpetual state of separation and abdication of self-responsibility.

I realize nothing and no one will save me, nothing and no one can move me, and nothing and no one will be perfect in the context of my ability to start living my utmost potential… it’s something that I must do and create every day, every moment I see I am able to apply myself to the best of my ability and to simply stop myself at that moment where I see I am accepting and allowing myself to wait, and using a less than  apparent perfect condition/environment to facilitate that as an excuse

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the extent to which I've allowed myself to live the expression of ‘waiting’ wherein I do not move to live and express my utmost potential, as being something that I have been playing out and participating within my life for quite some years. I saw it when I found desteni, I saw it when I was in school thinking once I was done I would be able to do more, and I again see it now… thinking once I move and am in a new environment, THEN and only then will I be able to fully express and act in ways that are best for me and best for all wherein I push myself beyond the limitations of thinking something better will manifest that will support me to move.

I commit myself to realize that only I can move myself and nothing and no one else can or will… I am alone in that regards and so it is up to me, and my responsibility to stop waiting and start living

When and as I see myself waiting for the perfect condition, such as a change in environments, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there exists no perfect condition, especially in how we've created this world to be and so it’s up to me to live my utmost potential in every moment as creating the conditions for my own self-expansion and change. I commit myself to no longer wait for my conditions to change, and instead change me as re-conditioning myself to move myself day to day, in not giving into this ‘waiting’ experience, but instead to make the move now, today, as myself

When and as I see myself waiting for some future event or magical moment to manifest as the ‘perfect condition’ in my life to be able to apply myself more effectively and within my utmost potential, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such a point is in fact a separation of myself here, where I exist in some hope for some future that is not HERE, meanwhile my HERE and me as HERE gets neglected. I realize and see the dishonesty within this and so I commit myself to stop giving hope to some future event or circumstance to change the conditions for me to be able to live my utmost potential, I commit myself to instead LIVE it myself, as a re-conditioning of myself, day to day, through not accepting and allowing myself to NOT move myself based on the hope of some future projection.



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27 April 2015

408: Waiting or Creating

Recently there is this point of like waiting…. Like I’m waiting for this moment in time to arrive so I can start actually living, which in this case me moving to Canada. It’s like I’m waiting for that time to arrive, or waiting for the moment when I can start packing, like ‘not yet’ – it’s not yet necessary for me to start. I had planned things well, and so far, things have gotten done in a timely manner because I am not feeling rushed or overwhelmed. I have directed what I need to direct and so I am walking with enough time and space, so why am I so unsatisfied?

There is this point of me not living my potential. Not using the time I have effectively. Because I do have time for more projects, to be more active in my life, to be more engaged, to write my blogs and create vlogs and to do my own research and investigations and development… yet I’m not utilizing it; I'm not yet developing it to my full potential.

I’m waiting.

What am I waiting for?

I’m waiting for the perfect conditions where I can start to move myself, where there are no distractions, and I am in a way starting from a ‘clean slate’. Like wanting to start over, a completely new start, new beginning and from there, create and change. Though I realize this perhaps is not valid… as I am here. I am here and I am breathing and so essentially waiting, is existing in separation of myself here, of what IS here. There is no reason or excuse as to why I cannot move myself NOW, today, in this moment. Perhaps conditions are not ideal, though I can still move myself. And how are the conditions not perfect? Is this perfection valid? Or accurate? Or based on practical reality? Or more so an image in my mind of how things ‘should’ or ‘could’ go? Obviously I must create the condition in which I am able to exist and move and change and create. And perhaps those conditions will never actually exist.

The condition I see I am wanting is me in Canada.. it’s like ‘once I’m in Canada, THEN I can live.’ Though it was the same while I was in school, “once I’m done with school, THEN I can do more stuff.’ Or ‘once I’m done with serving, THEN I can do more stuff/learn more stuff.’ This waiting is simply an excuse to not move or live or change now, in this moment. You work with what you have, you don’t wait for some perfect scenario to play out because you could wait a whole lifetime and leave this life with nothing but regret. Regret you waited for some perfect condition to manifest. This implies separation, this implies I am not in fact creating my reality and my world, that I am somehow not responsible for myself and my life and things will just magically unfold on their own.

No, I realize I must create this myself. I cannot wait. It’s just another version of one waiting for their Savior, waiting for their Jesus to return, waiting for some sign or indication of ‘what to do’ – it’s the same nature I allowed of myself when practicing Law of Attraction… wait for something to come to you, wait for some signal you should do this or go there or make this decision.

The one point I realized when coming across Desteni, the one point that immediately stood out to me as common sense was this… There is NO ONE or NO-THING that will save me. I am responsible for ME. I create my life. I create myself. And the waiting I was allowing was self-dishonest and an act of self-abdication.

I am here, I am breathing. Today I am awake. So what will I do with myself today? Wait? Or Create? I choose to create. I choose to live… I choose LIFE.

So the waiting must stop here.

More writings and Self-Forgiveness on this point in the blogs to follow...




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25 April 2015

407: Who I was at the Moment of My Death

Last week I had a dream I died.

I was walking on a street in a neighborhood, and some guy came past me very fast and shot me with a gun, straight into my neck. It was at point blank – there was no missing me, it was inevitable, I was going to die.

In that moment, my initial experience/reaction was shock. This was it – it has happened and there is nothing stopping it, I am going to die.

I started to breathe, I brought myself to my breath, realizing that is where I am and this was happening.

More things moved within me – I thought of my partner and the unexpectedness he would have to walk with, with me dying.

I thought I wasn't ready, or that I slightly resisted the reality of what was happening, that I was dying.

I was disappointed that it happened this way, that is happened at that time, I wasn't ready to go, or at least I thought. But then I realized, or within me I knew, it was happening, that was the reality and there was nothing I could do to change it… so I just breathed.

I breathed and experienced no pain, I just breathed and waitedwaited for the death process to be complete. As I was breathing, I was silent within myself – it was black and I was just breathing, there was only me. And then I told myself to open my eyes.

Actually – before this, before I went quiet in myself, and after the initial shock/realization of what was happening, I saw the night and the decisions and choices I made that brought me to that very moment, and I was regretful. I saw the timelines as the consequences of events, how I had created myself to be in that very moment. And to me, it was a shame. It was a shame it was ending this way because I could have chose differently. I could have gone another direction. But I didn't, and here I was.

And so then I told myself to open my eyes. And as I opened my eyes, I found myself in my bed holding my neck, calmer than I expected myself to be. It was just a dream. It wasn't real. But it showed me who I was in the moment of death, if death were to come to me today.

It was a reference for myself, for me to see who I would be in that moment. And while I had the awareness to breathe, and to be with myself, to ground myself, I still had the regret and the shame and the disappointment… I am not yet living my full potential.

In living my full potential, there would be no looking back, there would be an absolute embracing of what is here. And while I was prepared to embrace what was here as me dying, I did not unconditionally – there was a slight resistance, there was a slight fight… I wanted to not believe it, I wanted another chance. But that is the reality of death. When it is here, it is here and there is no going back.

I see such a gift of this dream, this dream where I faced my death. I was able to face that moment without any real consequence except the reality of who I am and what I am still holding onto and what I am still living. I in a way have a second chance – I was brought to my ‘end’ and could see what I would have done differently based on who I was in that moment.

And the gift – I am here, after dying, realizing what I did, seeing who I was – I am still here, and I can take all of that and support myself to improve my standing, to re-align my standing in this Life, in who I am, in what I accept and allow, and how I direct myself in this life.

Thank you death, for visiting me, for showing me to me.


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