26 March 2015

406 - My Experience as 'The Bully'

My experience with being a Bully.

When I was quite young, my cousin and I, who were less than a year a part, spent a lot of time together. We basically grew up as sisters. I would spend a lot of time at her house, and with this was the experience that ‘she was the boss’. Now, while I was the older one, this experience of her being bigger, or stronger or the authority of me while at her house was ever present. I never liked the experience, though for whatever reason I felt as if I had to check with her before I did anything, like get a snack or play with a toy or go to different part of the house. So while she never, as far as I recall, outwardly express this ‘bully-ness’ towards me, I felt within myself that I was being bullied… that she was the authority and I had to do what she said, and it was an experience of fear, like she could harm me in some way if I did not follow her rules.

Then there was this moment when we were out front playing in the yard. She had a bicycle, and I was standing over the bike – you know like you are riding it, then you come to a stop and just stand up, while still holding the handle bars? She then came in front of the bicycle, facing me and asked for her bike back, while also then grabbing the handle bars. She pulled the bike towards her and told me to give it to her. And I wasn't ready to stop using it. So I pulled back and said no. Within me there was quite the difference of experience, I had this rush of positive energy as becoming powerful enough to say no to her, or basically stand up to her. It was like in the moment I was not ready to give her the bike back, and I would not accept her request. I absolutely refused and expressed this to her. I was not moving.

We pulled and pushed for a bit until she became frustrated and called to her mom, saying that I was not giving her bike back. Within me, I was exuberant as I could see she was experiencing what I had always experienced in relation to her – that I had no choice in what I wanted or what I could do, she told me what to do and I just had to do it. Yet here, I was making the decision and I was not backing down.. and I liked the feeling of it. It was almost like that moment was the moment where my victimized experience towards her diminished because I saw a glimpse of being on the other side, if you will. In that, I felt like I was the authority, I actually had the power to decide for myself, and it no longer mattered what she said. There I also felt like the roles were now in the correct position – as I was the older cousin, and so ‘of course’, I should  be the boss. Obviously that is irrelevant, and only a social construct created where equality is replaced with self-definitions that put some above as better or to be of more value than another. Though at that young age, I experienced it and I embraced it, as I had no other understanding of it.

I later in my school years, elementary and high school, participated in the point where I deliberately acted in ways that I would classify as bullying. The first time is I outwardly told my closest friend at school that I could no longer be her friend, made quite the dramatic scene with it, and ran away from her to join my new friends.

So here was the desire to be apart of a group that I defined as ‘better than me’, and so in that, did what they wanted me to do and that was to tell my friend that I would no longer be her friend. I had to potentially harm another simply to make myself feel better. So is that what all bullies do? You exert yourself and your position over another, simply to find acceptance in some other group or in the eyes of someone else? I have since, walking my process and Journey to Life, written about this particular experience and shared the insights and self-forgivness, which you can read here.

Then later in high school – there was a girl that I had been in school with for quite some time, so we knew each other well enough. We did not hang out with the same people, though I knew her and she knew me, and we were for the most part, and up until this moment, pleasant with each other. Though – she then started dating a guy that my best friend at the time use to date. And within our relationship – of course, you play into each other’s ego, and so I then became to dislike this girl I had known, simply because my friend did, and simply because she was now dating her ex.

There was only a few run-ins with this girl, though what I did to her, in terms of verbally and physically, I would classify as bullying, It was like we wanted someone to attack, and I wanted to prove to my friend that I would stand up for her, and I was ‘cool’ in that I would express to this girl what she wanted, though wasn't doing herself. So again – it was for my peers, it was for acceptance, and it was to be seen in a specific way in the eyes of others. I later regretted this behavior, and I knew it was unacceptable, and told myself if I were to ever see her outside of high school, I would tell her that behavior was unacceptable and that I am sorry for treating her that way.

So this is my experience with being a bully – clearly indicating that what we outwardly express to another is due to how we experience ourselves inside ourselves. The desire to be accepted by others, and so our own self-interest as our self-image cause us to do things that are not best for all or even in the consideration of another. Obviously if I had any awareness of the Desteni I Process, and the principles and tools shared – I would never allow this of myself. Instead I would investigate why I felt like I needed to behave in this way, why I felt like I was powerless in relation to my cousin and so wanted to overpower her and turning the tables sort to speak, or why I thought how others viewed me was more important than how I viewed myself.

I would tell my younger self to stop and breathe and look at WHY I feel the way I do, to stop focusing on the people outside of you or around you, and instead get to know yourself and realize that an un-directed mind can cause harm to others and does not support you to be the best being you can; to live to your utmost potential. I would tell my younger self to do unto another as you would have done unto yourself, and to place yourself in the shoes of another…. And ask yourself – would I like this for myself? I would tell myself to use those principles to walk with and guide my actions and to never allow myself to accept anything less than this, as then I am considering more than myself… then I am considering the potential within life, and the potential in creating a harmonious and mutual beneficial relationships. Then I am not attacking the life in others, instead I am recognizing it and treating it equally.

Watch the LIVE Google Hangout on this topic:

What creates a bully? Where does the nature of bullying come from? Are bullies just a small group of individuals, or does bullying exist in all people, on various levels? What is the bully not considering when they bully other people? How can the Desteni I Process support one who has been a bully in their present or past? We will be discussing this and more in tonight's LIVE google hangout! Join us with your comments, perspectives, and questions!




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405: Practical Reality Considerations - Prioritizing

Yesterday I noticed a cool point come up within me. I had a lot of responsibilities staring at me during the day – a lot of things requiring my attention. Not because I had allowed them to pile up or because of some lack of responsibility created such a consequence – simply the timing of things and before me were many things needed to get done.

Or at least that’s what I thought.

I am currently in the process of getting my work permit for Canada – and am in the final stages of the approval process. I got a few documents that I required yesterday to continue on with it, and two weeks to get them completed and submitted. Within this – I felt this urgency come up like I wanted to ‘get it done NOW’. Though – I also had some others things I needed to do… I am hosting a hangout this week that needed some attention in terms of sorting out some technical issues, and going over the material/topic for the hangout, I had some e-mails to get to in order to organize some points, I also have my sisters birthday this week, which I also needed to do a few things for in preparation.

So that was me during the day – looking at the list of things I needed to do, in the time frame I had, and by the way – I had to go to work that evening. So I felt a bit restricted and overwhelmed. Though – what I could see was that the overwhelming-ness was coming up due to working on the work permit application. What I realized or rather asked myself in this moment when I could see anxiety come up in relation to ALL that I had to do was this, “What is priority?” And then I looked at what I needed to do, and the time frame for them all and from there – determined which needed my attention first and which not.

So while I wanted to work on the permit application first, that was not yet necessary as I had two weeks, and there other things that needed to be done during that day and within the next few days, so had a deadline quicker than the permit. So the permit got put to the bottom of the list, and everything else due during that day and the next day was bumped to the top.

This was cool because within me was that point of practical consideration – what is priority – what is most important in terms of needed to be done first. This is something I got a lot of practice with during school, and in general since walking my Desteni I Process – learning how to work with physical reality, what is most practical. So putting aside my wants that are really just fears (like getting that permit application in QUICK in fear of me not getting it/missing the deadline) – I had to let that go for a moment because other things are of more importance in terms of when they needed to be done.

So learning how to stop emotions/feelings from determining how you direct yourself and your life, and allowing considerations to step forth that are practical and of priority has been a cool change I've noticed within me. Doing what is necessary to be done in this moment.
                         
Another gem of an application supporting me to become the most efficient and effective being I can be in this life; getting grounded in physical reality and directing myself based on principles that sustain a self-responsible nature, rather than an emotional reaction drive based in fear. Principles before Preferences.






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22 March 2015

404: Digging Deeper into the Death Penalty

Talking more about the death penalty, I did a bit of research as I was intrigued by the topic and it’s history and origins within humanity.

The death penalty, I’m sure like all punishments for breaking the law, stands as a deterrent – something put into place to be carried out as punishment if one were to do or participate in certain acts and behaviors. Though… throughout the history of mankind, crimes are still committed and these deterrents do not show any relief in the amount of crimes existing.

So then one must consider… if the threat of death or being put in jail for the rest of one’s life does not stop one from acting out certain behavior, is it really doing it’s job effectively? Or is there something else we are missing? I mean to have the death penalty or life in prison be the reason that keeps one from committing a crime yet people commit crimes still… there must be something else we are not considering in terms of WHY certain behaviors exist.

Though, from my perspective, this would also bring into question the laws or ‘crimes’ being committed and the starting point for them being acted out. For example – someone robs a bank…. Why? Is it really for simply the thrill of it? Or does it have to do with what they are actually going for, like money? If one were not put into a constant state of fear of no money, do you think robbers would exist? Or if a lavish lifestyle was presented as the ‘best life on earth’ yet kept at a distance from the majority of people who ‘have not’ – would the desire for more money exist?

Another example – when someone is in a moment filled with an emotion of anger or jealousy or rage… do you think the consequences of their actions are considered? Why not? I mean we see it all the time – someone kills someone because of some emotional reaction that ‘took over’ and left them ‘blacked out’. I mean this is a serious condition happening within humanity.. where we have no control over our emotions and feelings to the point where we cannot see or think clearly or rationally to say to ourselves, 'hey look, now if I do this act, that I am picturing myself doing, there are some series consequence. I may have to spend the rest of my life behind bars or even put to death.” Of course this is not considered in the mind of someone acting out in a moment of rage… because they are consumed and possessed by that emotion to the point where that emotion direct them to act in an interest that does not serve them or anyone, but only the emotions being experienced.

Now this is a problem of the mind, of how humans are conditioned and programmed to exist… this is a problem that in itself, if addressed, can act as a deterrent or preventative measure from crimes such as murder to exist. If there existed an education that taught someone what their mind is, who they are as their mind, what emotions and feelings are, what energy as emotions and feelings can potentially do to oneself and one’s body.. I mean if we were taught about the consequences of allowing our minds to direct us rather than ourselves in self-awareness and within principles direct us, perhaps we would see and realize there is no need for the death penalty or life in jail to act as a deterrent.. because in this, we are not just addressing the ‘bad behavior’, we are addressing what CAUSE the bad behavior stems from.

Which is what I brought up in the previous blog… that people do not act in certain ways because of no apparent reason. There is ALWAYS a reason/cause/source/origin/starting point for WHY people do what they do. Whether that’s fear, desire, lust, greed, envy, rage, anger, jealousy – you name it, these are all things that exist within us because we have not been educated on who we are as a being and as a mind. We have not learned about the interconnectedness that exists within us all, we did not learn about living principles that are best for all, we did not learn about our life’s potential. Instead, we were taught to live in self-interest, to define ourselves according to how we feel, and what we experience as our emotions, and to trust those experiences as valid and worth nurturing. We have not learned about our physical bodies being the real beings we are, we have not learned that our actions have consequences. We have not learned how to take self-responsibility for ourselves, and we have not learned to give as we would like to receive. We have learned spite, and an eye for an eye and revenge. We have not learned by our mistakes or that doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results, is the definition of insanity. We have not learned how to question ourselves or our world as a whole - we have learned to accept what is here as simply the way it is, no questions asked.

The death penalty and life in jail does not solve any of the problems we have that are the reason for these things in the first place. So we must dig deeper, and find the real root as to why certain behaviors exist. It is not by chance and we are not victims of circumstance as who we are as human nature. We are the creators of our nature, and every generation before is the leader into the next generation – living by examples of how life exists on earth.

Desteni and the principles presented are the key to understanding who we have become as our Minds and how, in our lack of self-awareness and abdication to self-responsibility, we have created a chaotic world where emotions and feelings run rampant and the consequences are that of murder, the death penalty, wars, poverty, rape, child abuse, abuse to the environment, profit over life… all things existing within a self interest that does not care about the physical world or life that ALL are equally a part of. Not until we understand ourselves, our minds, and why we experience what we do as our positive feelings and negative emotions, will be begin to see the error of our ways; that we have complicated life on earth and created it to exist as a contradiction, when really we can simplify everything while creating a harmony that serves the interest of all.

Consider this – why do we have so many laws that dictate what is right and wrong? And how come these laws do nothing in stopping human behavior that clearly isn't best for all. What is missing? To blame humanity is not the solution, saying “it’s just the way it is”. It’s just the way it is because we have created it to be that way. And only when we start digging into our own nature will we see the reflection mirroring what we see in the whole of humanity/this world. Perhaps then we will realize we will have to be the ones to change.

Investigate Desteni. Investigate yourself.





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21 March 2015

403: The Death Penalty and Forgiveness

The other day I was sitting around with a few people and one person was reading/mentioning an article about a state that was considering bringing back the firing squad for an option in acting out the death penalty. This spurred an interesting discussion. One person mentioned that in such a situation of a firing squad, one person was always handed a gun that was a blank, yet out of all the shooters, no one knew which was had the blank and which one had the loaded gun. In this, it was so that the shooters did not feel guilty or have to face that they may have been the one to in fact shot the bullet that killed another human being.

I thought this was absolutely fascinating – that it’s the concern for the shooters and their potential guilt and regret for participating in a firing squad, that one of the guns would be shooting a blank. Does this not in fact reveal how the very act of the death penalty, and the firing squad specifically, is not an act that is in any way righteous or justifiable? I mean, if one participate in an act that requires a preventative measure so that that one may be able to live with themselves… then perhaps the act is not valid or 'right' in the first place.

I don’t agree with the death penalty and here’s why... It’s a statement that what someone does wrong in their life, as extreme or innocent it is, cannot be forgiven and cannot possibly change themselves. Instead they are punished to death… they must be removed because what they've done is so horribly wrong that we cannot have them existing in this life anymore. If someone kills another person, then we say an 'eye for an eye' - and yes, then the world is blind. We do to another what we are saying they did was wrong in the first place. "You killed someone? Your are SO WRONG and SO BAD... that is unacceptable, you cannot kill people. So... we will KILL YOU!" huh?

I just don’t agree with that. And while discussing this with another, I made this comment. And she disagreed with me… she said how all pedophiles should be locked away and that she wanted nothing to do with those types of people.

The problem with this is that we just see the act of pedophilia, or murder, or rape, or robbery. While I in no way condone any of these acts… we are missing the whole story when we simply judge and define someone according to this final stage as the play out of a long accumulated consequence that has it’s origin in this reality… within this humanity. 

To lock someone away and throw away the key, or to sentence someone to death is an attempt to deal with a problem that we recognize exists, yet we don’t have an actual solution for, is not correcting any problem. Instead we ‘throw it away’ – we in a way suppress it, we ignore it, we don’t want to face it and so we get rid of the glaring problem that exists within the minds of humans that cause them to act in ways that is not best for all.

Is someone born wanting to rape someone else? Is someone born wanting to murder someone? Is someone born sexually attracted to children? No – people are the products of their environment, from the small inter-personal relationships of family, to the greater societal structures… and what we are currently producing from the environment we have created on earth are people who harm one another, who want to rape and abuse and kill each other.

Locking them up or putting them to death does not solve anything, as it’s an attempt to cure the symptoms.. it is not looking at the origin, the cause, the actual problem. We cannot just look away or put something out of our sight and think it will just go away. We will have to, as a whole, and individually, take a real look at how we currently exist, and WHY it has manifested the way it has.

A final point about this, which I mentioned quickly at the beginning is the point of forgiveness. We are not willing to forgive the pedophiles, the murderers, the rapists as understanding WHY they/it exists, then we are in fact thinking and believing that we, ourselves, cannot be forgiven or understood, and that human nature cannot change. Perhaps this is the starting point…. Realizing that human nature is a condition programmed through the environment in which the human is exposed to and that through different conditions, human nature CAN change. And that ability to change is not selective for some people.. it’s a potential within all. And until we see it in ourselves, we cannot see it in each other. So back to ourselves… as the source, cause and origin of what we have here as Life on Earth and as the only point responsible to and for change. When we forgive ourselves for what we have done, who we have been, and GIVE ourselves the ability to change… we start seeing this potential in others. 





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20 March 2015

402: Cyber-Bullying

Cyber-Bulling.

The internet is just another medium in which we used to inflict abuse and harm onto each other. The stakes have been raised though, as the lack of accountability runs rampant and the anonymous become bolder to say and do things they could never in the face of their victims.

How can you support yourself when being bullied online? What is important for you to know about the nature of bullying to help understand why it exists and how you can help change it by changing yourself. How can bullying give you insight to yourself and how can the Desteni I Process support you to do just that? These are just some of the things we will be discussing in this Desteni I Process LIVE Google Hangout. 



My experience with online bullying consisted of a few YouTube comments here and there, that fortunately I never had the extreme experience of allowing it to influence me. I was already prepared through walking the Desteni I Process – the tools of breathing, and self-awareness, self-honesty and self-forgiveness – of not allowing my emotions to rise up and not take what other people say personally. So though I never experienced the harshness of bullies online, I was exposed to how to handle myself in such situation where it would come up slightly and for future reference.

The consequences are extreme though, we've all heard the news of people taking their lives because of the way bullying has escalated. We are not equipped to handle the abuse we allow towards each other and so our consequence of not understanding ourselves, our minds, and so each other and each other’s mind is the diminishing of life to the point of death.

Desteni, as a group, orchestrated an Anti-Hate Campaign a few years ago, where we addressed the mis-information, lies and blatant abuse coming from others towards Desteni. This for me was a very cool practice to be a part of, as it allowed me to practice being rational, and bring through common sense to what was being said about Desteni as a Group – how when one stop their mind, their thoughts, their emotions and feelings, and their self-interest and see for REAL what is behind the words we use as weapons, we see there is no logic or grounding to what bullies represent and should not allow to influence who we are or how we experience ourselves.

In this – the power was given back to ourselves, where we no longer feel as victims to what others say, but can put into perspective what is being said and why. Then we have understanding. Understanding why someone would want to bully another, and there we can have forgiveness. Though forgiveness can only be within self/towards self, through this – one can let go of the emotional turmoil created in the construct of being bullied and start seeing how self-empowerment is only a breath away and within that, the game of bullying can no longer be played. It’s all about what you participate in. You either feed the fire as participating in the back and forth of bullying, or by internalizing it within yourself as if it’s even worth your time, or you stop, breathe and stand up and no longer accept and allow yourself to participate. You investigate any reactions you have towards yourself, and you stop blaming the bully as you realize how our world supports the nature of bullying and until ALL take self-responsibility to stop the bullying we do to ourselves and others, will bullying no longer exist. May take a while, but 1+1 it can be done. 










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19 March 2015

401: The Real Reflection of Self

Self Commitment/Corrective Statements from the previous blog:

When and as I see myself reacting negatively as judgment toward others in terms of their behavior or what they are doing, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this negative reaction as judgment indicate this point existent within me – where what I am judging/reacting negatively towards another about is the same point I've participated with throughout my life, or am currently participating within. And so I commit myself to not participate in judgment towards others, and instead in the moment, breathe and take back self-responsibility as identifying where in my life I've done exactly the same thing, and so within this – stopping blame/judgment and bringing all things back to myself as the cause, source, and origin. I commit myself to realizing a reaction towards another within me is never about anyone else, and always about me.

When and as I see myself constantly checking myself out in the reflection of a mirror, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this behavior is within a starting point of fear of others, and how they see me, and to constantly think and believe I must ‘check myself out’ in the mirror is only the act of searching for self-validation and whether I am acceptable in the eyes of others. I commit myself to bring validation back to myself as a living expression of who I am, rather than the image of a mirror as I see, realize and understand that that is exactly what this behavior indicate – me looking for myself as validation and acceptance in the mirror.

When and as I see myself stepping into a character of confidence and security after looking in the mirror and defining myself as acceptable or attractive, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the consequence of getting my sense of validation, security and being ‘okay’ within the image of myself in a mirror is me separating and enslaving myself to this image and definition I've given to validation, security and being okay. I also see, realize, and understand that this is not real – the picture of me, and the definitions I've given to it as to determine my experience is not me seeing with real eyes, but instead with eyes of fear that support the construct of this world where beauty is defined in how someone looks as a value. I commit myself to give myself back the value of validation, security and being okay to be a living expression of myself rather than the picture presentation of myself and no longer supporting this pattern to exist within me. I also commit myself to stop allowing positive energy generated from the definitions I give to myself from looking in a mirror move me to be able to express as I am then only dependent on that positive definitions and energy from looking in the mirror to be able to move me. I commit myself to practice self-movement where energy is not required, as I am not defined by an image or how I define what I look like… I am defined in who I am in every moment of every breath and the starting point for what I think, say and do.

When and as I see myself supporting the conditioned behavior of automatically, constantly looking in a mirror/reflection of a window as to ‘check myself out’ as a reference of whether I look acceptable or not, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this behavior/pattern exist due to my constant participation of always allowing myself to look at a mirror/reflection when the opportunity is there and only through me deciding NOT to look in the mirror/reflection every time I am able will I be able to change this habit, as it’s become automatic and so I commit myself to become self aware in those moments when I’m looking in the mirror/reflection of a window to stop myself and no longer participate and through this constant application of STOPPING every time I ‘want’ to look in a mirror/reflection of a window, will I begin the process of changing and transforming myself as no longer needing or requiring a reflection of myself to give me any sense of validation or security or self-worth. I commit myself to realize that self-validation, security and self-worth must come from within me, as who I am, as the nature of how I exist and not in a picture of myself.

When and as I see myself placing my self-worth and value into the picture presentation of myself as the reflection of a mirror, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that in this act, I have separated myself from real self-value and worth and so in order to bring that back to myself, aligning myself with the living expression of self-worth and self-value, I must stop participating in the physical behavior of looking in the mirror as well as letting go of the definitions I've given to my image, and the value I've placed on the way I or anyone looks.

When and as I see myself defining others as shallow and limited within their actions or behaviors, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this judgment unto others is only me judging myself and so I first stop judging others and then see the gift those ‘others’ are giving to me as the clear insight to who I am as that which I judge in others I've judged or am judging in myself and so I commit myself to use that gift as what others reflect towards me as the REAL mirror of who I am and walk the process of self-forgiveness, self-responsibility and self-honesty in removing the judgments towards myself

When and as I see myself judging myself and being ashamed for my participation in the behavior of constantly checking myself out in the mirror as to get self-validation and acceptance, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that in judging myself or being ashamed of myself, I am diminishing myself and am not able to then change myself as this behavior/construct. I commit myself to instead stand equal to and one with who I am as what I've accepted and allowed as the current version of myself that has created a pattern of wanting to look in the mirror for a sense of self-assurance as facing myself in self-honesty and thus allowing myself to work with this aspect of myself, becoming self-aware of myself in the moments where the habit can emerge, directing myself to no longer participate as looking away from the mirror, applying the self-forgiveness necessary in the moment to no longer feel as if I “need” to look and instead, breathe in the moment HERE and align myself to the real me, as my physical body, and my physical breath that is equal to and one with what life actually is

When and as I see myself looking in a mirror and then feeling good about myself, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that this ‘feeling good’ is based within a definition I've given to myself as the image of myself in the mirror as attractive that creates a false sense of security. I commit myself to stop deceiving myself in this positive energy of feeling good based on what I look at, and instead walk the process of writing, self-honesty and self-forgiveness as seeing the REAL picture of myself, the real story, the who I am in each moment as thought, word and deed that can be seen as not attractive, as the nature of me is the nature of humanity and then nature of humanity is not pretty

When and as I see myself feeling shitty about myself after looking in a mirror, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this ‘feeling shitty’ is based within a definition I've given to myself as the reflection of me in the mirror and does not actually define who I am. I commit myself to stop deceiving myself as allowing how I define what I look like to determine how I experience myself. I commit myself to become self-responsible for my experience in every moment, and stop victimizing myself to me own self-created definitions

When and as I see myself looking in the mirror to see what I look like, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is an act of invalidating myself as thinking and believing I NEED to look in the mirror to find my self-validation and self-worth. I commit myself to instead create self-worth and self-validation to be within who I am as how I live and express myself, as who I am in every thought, word and deed and count on that to be the real determining factor of who I am in this life, and no more enslaving myself to an image of me that can change so easily throughout my life. I commit myself to create myself as a constant and stable point of self-value and self-worth, as confiding in myself as my breath, self-awareness, self-honesty through this process of self-change

When and as I see myself existing as a narcissist where I am so consumed and obsessed with my own image, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this behavior is the cause for the lack of movements within individuals to see what is really going on in this world, and what is necessary to change our world -  because we are all so lost in our own image and likeness as the reflection in the mirror. I commit myself to stop existing in a reflection of myself and stand as the individual I am, equal to and one with, as well as interconnected to every other person/being/life on this earth and so take the responsibility I have to change my part of existence through my participation. I commit myself to open my eyes to what is real in this world and no longer give attention to what is not, as the value one place in how they look. Our look plays no role in determining how life on earth exists for each being…. Our actions and inaction do.

When and as I see myself trusting in an experience of ‘being good’ in the context of others/life/existence as a whole, based on what I look like, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the way that I look as no bearing on who I am as a being, and does not determine what effects I have on this life and how others see me, it truly matters in who I am as how I live and what I create in this life. I commit myself to work with what matters, and this physical matter, as my physical body, and my physical actions, and my physical expression, and NOT on an image of me that I hope others will accept. I commit myself to taking responsibility for myself within existence as on part of the whole that determine what that ‘whole’ looks like and whether there exists equality, integrity, respect and what is actually best for all.






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400: Shattering the Definitions of Me

The following is self-forgiveness in relation to yesterday's blog:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively to another and her daughter when I saw the behavior of them checking themselves out in the reflection of the window… as judging them as shallow and limited to have such a concern about constantly seeing what they look like, without realizing this is the same behavior I participate within and act out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly think and need I have to look at my own reflection in the mirror, as a constant point of validation and checking as to whether I look acceptable or not, based within the starting point of fear and desire where I fear what others will think of me and desire to be accepted by them through how I look

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a positive energy experience when I see my reflection in the mirror and I look as I would define acceptable or even attractive and to from here, experience confidence and security as a validation that “I’m okay” and to then from this moment, move within this positive energy as a character that uses the energy for my motivation to move as I think and believe that because I see my reflection as attractive, others will see me as attractive and so somehow I am safe within the groups of people I am interacting with

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this behavior of always looking in the mirror/reflection of a window when the opportunity arises through constantly doing it, and so conditioning myself to create it as automatic instead of stopping this participation/habit of ‘needing’ to look in the mirror to validate a self-worth that I've given to my physical presentation rather than who I am as a being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself as self-worth, and value through placing it within a picture image of myself that I see in a reflection or mirror

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others who display this same behavior I've participated within, as being shallow and limited

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for constantly looking in the mirror as a reference of some self-validation that I expect to get from a mirror, and to within this be ashamed of such a behavior or mental construct without realizing that in judging myself or being ashamed of it, I am not able to change it as I am dis-empowering myself in relation to it rather than facing it in self-honesty that this is me, this is what I've accepted and allowed of myself – as needing a mirror to tell me who I am and how I must experience myself and only from facing this within self-honesty am I able to change it as realizing there is more to me that I am not yet allowing myself to honor and nurture in such behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a behavior of constantly looking in a mirror or window reflection when I see one as a constant point of needing validation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate myself through looking in a mirror and defining myself as attractive, and to within this, feel good about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invalidate myself through looking in a mirror and defining myself as unattractive, and to within this, feel shitty about myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to invalidate myself through looking in a mirror as the source for self-worth, and self-value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself to be a narcissist where I am so consumed and obsessed with my own image, that I am constantly stuck in the reflection of me as what I see in a mirror, that I cannot see the world around me, the reality that is here equal for all, or the universe I am as my physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I ‘look good’, then I am ‘good’ in the context of existence and in relation to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my self-security to be in an image of myself in a mirror, and how I think others see me

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I think others think of me in terms of the way that I look, is simply a projection of myself and my own mind where if one gives me positive feedback on the way that I look, yet I have defined myself already within a negative context of not looking good (according to my definition of what looks good and what doesn’t look good) then it doesn't matter, I still think and believe others are seeing me as I see myself through my own mind and thus always only seeing me as a reflection of my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my looks to find security and validation and worth and value in this world instead of realizing it is a construct of this world, an act of separation that keeps people in competition and so divided and so easily concurred

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity of ugly/beauty that exists of this world – where some have and some have not – some are defined as pretty and others are not, and in this placing all of me as who I am within this one limited picture of myself and so not develop any other parts of myself

Self-corrective/commitment statements in the blogs to follow...






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18 March 2015

399: Self as a Reflection

The other day while participating in a medical study – I noticed a reaction towards one of the staff. She was a young girl and you could see that she put a lot of effort in her physical presentation; what she wore, how her hair looked, and how her make-up was done. Soon enough we (me and the other study participants) found out she was the daughter of one of the nurses who had been also working with us. What I observed within myself while observing this girl is how much she placed emphasis on the way that she looked, and within this, judgment towards her for that.

A particular behavior I could see clearly that indicated this was how she would constantly check her reflection in the mirror of the windows. It’s was quite obvious she was doing this, or at least from my perspective. The judgment was she is conceited and lost in her own image and reflection.

Though – I get it. It’s the same behavior I've seen within myself. And that is what caused this reaction  of judgment within me towards her – she clearly was displaying a part of myself that I continue to live out; placing emphasis on the way one looks as a point of self-definition and self-validation.

I also didn't like the attention I could see she was getting from everyone else in the study. These are the same people that I have also been observing as how they relate/interact to me, and within me thinking I was ‘the most attractive’ girl in the place. Then it's like all of a sudden there is this new face, this new person who challenges 'my position' (that I created in my mind) of who I was in relation to everyone else and within that, did not like her 'taking my place'.

So there was jealousy and competition that emerged – not liking that she was getting the attention I had already claimed to have as my own. I then felt insecure and diminished within myself. I compared myself to her and felt as if I fell short of what she was presenting and so in that ‘couldn’t compete.’

The next day her mother was back working with us and what was interesting was this point that I had not yet seen in her, which is the same behavior I saw in her daughter, as well as myself… checking her own image in the reflection of the mirror. It’s like this quick glance, a quick check to see how we look, to ensure we ‘look good’, and from that continue on with the activities one is busy with, with this refreshed reassurance that our image is how we like/want.

For me I can see it’s this constant point of validation – where when I act out such behaviors, I am checking to make sure I look ‘pretty’ and ‘attractive’, and if I do, there is this positive energy that activates and I can see how this then triggers a particular character that has confidence and is secure… but basically I am running off the reflection in the mirror as the source from which I get these things. Clearly then not living them as myself, or seeing that such words as an expression can exist beyond just an image of myself.

So a lot of work to do still in terms of removing the self-definitions I've placed within how I look, and how I use that to feel secure and confident. The mirror is not my confidant and has only facilitated an act of separation where in such a moment I am not here, I am not in my body or in physical reality – I am lost in the image of myself I see in a mirror and I am consumed with the self-interest of how this look can and does serve me, specifically through competition with others, getting self-value and worth through what attention this look may give.

We have truly created a narcissistic society where most are lost in their own image and likeness reflected in some glass. We become mesmerized and in that, place value on what we see rather than who we are. It is not sustaining – when I am not satisfied with how I look, I am not satisfied with who I am and I create an unpleasant and uncomfortable experience within myself. The point then is to remove the importance, value and self-definition of oneself to exist only in the reflection, and instead on who one is, and how they live. How they live meaning – who we are in every moment of breath, who we are in our mind, who we are in relation to other people, what we keep in the secrecy of ourselves, whether I am living self-honestly and self-responsibility, who we are day in and day out as the action and inaction we allow.

Am I a being of integrity and truth… or am I just occupied with an image of myself that makes me feel good? We truly are missing out on so much when we are only seeing ourselves. And in the reflection of ourselves... we are not actually seeing ourselves, we are seeing our mind as how we see ourselves, how we define ourselves, and what value we place on what body part or shape of our face. To see yourself/myself for real.. it is to face the totality of ourselves in every moment, every thought, every feeling, every insecurity, every worry, every doubt, every desire, every thing that moves within ourselves/our minds is who we really are. If we can dare to see that, we will hen see the real reflection and see much is needed to be changed





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15 March 2015

398: Automatic Assumptions

Some self-forgiveness here for the instant judgments and assumptions I see myself think up in my mind when meeting new people, and how this actually reveals more of who I am as the relationship with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a person the moment I meet them and to assume to know who they are, and to from that, decide whether it’s worth it or not for me to get to know them and if it’s not, make no attempt to get to know who they are as communicating with them – in this actually resisting them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist others based on how I define them in the first moment of meeting them – to already decide I know who they are and how they live and what kind of life they've had and whether or not I want to get to know them, within this doing exactly to others what I fear others will do to me – assume to know me before making an attempt of getting to know me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a person based on the clothes they wear, or how they speak, or the color of their skin – to size them up in one moment as whether or not I will get along with them, or whether I have any interest in getting to know them… and for most people, decide it’s not worth it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume to know who people are based on their physical presentation of themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow a resistance to others based on how I’ve come to define them in the first moments of meeting them and not realizing that I fear others doing this to me, and that I would not like others to do this to me and so to not give as I would like to receive as the time and energy in actually speaking to another, getting to know them and learn about who they are and what kind of life they have lived

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others based on their looks, and what they wear and the color of their skin and to within this, assume to know who they are and make a judgment as whether or not they are worth it for me to talk to, within this – constantly placing judgments on others based on a value system formulated through a society that is not my own and so not actually me making the decision myself about who I will or will not interact with, but instead me enslaving myself to a value system and a thought construct that sees and limits others to being only what they look like as the first impression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that resistances towards certain people indicate a confinement I've created within myself as my own mind that I would not dare move beyond as it’s outside of my programmed mind as ‘who’ I would like to interact with… and not realizing that the resistance indicate the point I must move through as breaking down the mental construct that exist only in judging others and keeping me from seeing life rather than just a personality I think I would like to get to know or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give others the benefit of the doubt in terms of giving others what I would like to receive as the time and energy of communicating and actually getting to know who a person is rather than assuming to know who they are and whether or not they are ‘worth it’ to get to know simply based on first impressions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define some people as worthy and others as not, as actually removing the worth and value of ALL life that exists equally in all, as being a physical, breathing being – and so actually judging the equality that is here and making some more or less than others – separating others into categories that supports the current hierarchy of the world where some have money and others don’t and where we thus define those with money to be of more worth than those without

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my judgments towards others in a moment has any real validity instead of seeing them as purely a mental projection of myself – indicating again that I am not even really seeing another, but only a reflection of myself which reveals a relationship with ME that is not standing in equality and oneness, but rather separated into a value system where I am placed as either being of worth or not, and either better than others or not – placing myself in a position of either empowered or dis-empowered in relation to myself, to my surroundings and to others… not realizing that I am simply here, I am life, and so I am equal to and one with the potential life is… which exists in each person I meet

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to live and express myself as life as who I really am, as actually recognizing myself as an equal part of life and so since I Have not yet been able to see that in myself, of course I cannot yet see that in others and so I forgive myself that I Have not yet allowed myself to establish myself as life and so giving myself the opportunity to seeing that in me as well as others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically judge people within my mind as who I think they are without ever really investigating for myself whether I am right or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a judgment towards others, as a judgment towards life, as  judgment towards the minds and the personalities and the characters I see in others, realizing here that I am thus till judging myself as my own mind, my own characters and my own personalities without having any real change as I realize that if I were to stop judging myself and instead forgiving myself, then I would forgive others and not judge others as I exist towards others as how I exist towards myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the mutliple ways in which others support me to see me, to see myself and who I am and what I like and dislike about myself as I see, realize, and understand that what I see, like and dislike in others is actually within me as well as how I treat, judge and interact with others is how I treat, judge and interact with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an automatic point within myself to be that of assuming to know who others are based on how they look, what they wear, and how they speak - judging purely based on what I see externally of others rather than taking the time to get to know them for real and understand where they've come from, and to hear what kind of life they've lived and getting an actual glimpse into why they are the way that they are

When and as I see myself automatically assuming and judging others when I first meet them as thinking I know who they are, yet it being based only on an external presentation of them, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand there is much more to the story that I am not allowing myself to see or hear and instead existing in the mind as the judgments and assumptions I've accepted to be a nature of me in relation to others. I also see, realize, and understand that this is what i fear others do to me and would instead want others to take the time to get to know me before jumping to conclusions about me and so I commit myself to give others as I would like to receive as giving them the benefit of the doubt... giving them the time and energy to get to know them, to actually speak to them, to hear what they have to say as allowing myself to exist within understanding rather than instant assumptions

I commit myself to change the way I treat, judge and interact with myself as letting go of the judgments towards me as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a mind, as personality, as characters that only sees and serves myself and instead ground myself into physical reality where life is interconnected and of equal value and worth

I commit myself to start seeing others as myself so to ensure I am never blaming, focusing or pointing the finger elsewhere and instead SEEING me as what others reflect to me as indicating in how I relate, react and exist with others.



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02 March 2015

397: Why Should I Let go of a Grudge?

In the last few days, I've been working with someone who keeps mentioning this point about something another co-worker did to them. For a handful of days, at least one comment has been made about this person that ‘did wrong’ in the eyes of my co-worker. In fact, it's the exact same words coming out of this person's mouth, day after day, about this 'bad action' by another co-worker. I find this interesting because it’s like this point of not being able to let it go as such an clear example. Holding onto a grudge – keeping that past moment present; constantly carrying it around wherever he goes.

I’m sure we can all relate to this. I mean I can – when I find myself repeating the same sentence or statement to various different people. In this, re-living whatever it is I am holding onto over and over and over again, re-telling the same old story.

I find I have a slight reaction to this co-worker of mine, for him not being able to simply let it go already. I imagined telling him to do just that, “just let it go” – though the fact that I am reacting to him, and imagining ways I could tell him how it’s quite an unnecessary thing he is doing, I am doing exactly the same thing. Not letting go of the fact that he cannot let it go. Me not letting it go is evident in the fact that I have allowed myself to play a scenario in my mind regarding this exact point. Yet I do not say anything to him about it, I just think about it – fueling my own reactions further… instead of simply letting it go.

It’s interesting how we has humans do this – take one moment in our life and replay it over and over again; constantly reminding ourselves why we were upset in the first place, or convincing ourselves to each person we talk to how we are ‘right’ and the other person is ‘wrong’, and the story we tell about the moment in time is the justification.

So why do we do this? From my perspective, we as humans are not willing to go beyond our limited interactions as our constant fighting and bickering with each other, where we so readily blame others of their shortcomings, meanwhile not at all taking any responsibility for ourselves and who we are in every single moment of our life. If we just for a day were self-honest about our thoughts, words and deeds we have, especially in relation to each other, we would be astounded by the lack of care and consideration that actually exists within us. If we just for a moment asked ourselves, “would I want another to think this about me, or to say this about me behind my back,” we would see we are not doing to others what we would have done unto us. If we dared to say to someone’s face what we are so willing to say to others when they are not around, or in the secrecy of our own minds, we probably wouldn't say half the shit we do.

Because that’s all it is – shit talk.

The devolution of humanity is quite clear in our communication with each other, about each other and when each other is not around. We keep telling the same old stories, justifying our self-righteous position that can only be validated by putting another down. We hold onto grudges and resentments, not allowing ourselves to let go of the past and live a new life in a new moment, as a new breath. If only we stopped blaming and started taking responsibility. If only we stopped reacting to each other and learned how to forgive. If only…. If only we took a step towards becoming self-aware of who we are in our thoughts, words and deeds… only then will be able to Let go and Let Live.

Learn to let go. If you cannot let go in a moment through breathing… then it’s up to you to investigate why. Blaming another is never a solution and only diminishes you as the full potential of Life. Don’t deliberately diminish yourself – deliberately decide to Be the Change and not delve into the desires of the mind looking for any and all reasons why YOU are not the ONE responsible for YOU. No, No, No.. it's not 'them'... it's YOU.

Only when we start to consider ourselves, and how we've lived, and what we've done to others, and why we've done to ourselves, and what we've done in Life will we realize it's not 'them'... it's ourselves we are most upset with. If you learn only one thing in this life, learn this... each person is YOU. A reflection of what you've accepted and allowed as yourself. Whatever you think about another, whatever you feel about another, whatever you react to positive or negatively towards another is YOU.. and only when we start dealing with the ONE that is the actual 'problem' we are facing, will we finally become aware and understanding of who another is. Understanding must come instead of Reactions. Realizing that, through forgiveness, you cannot change others until you change yourself, And once you've walked the process of changing yourself, you realize the challenge others are facing... and there we will find compassion for each other. "Forgive them for they know not what they do..." Forgive yourself so that you can forgive others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another for holding onto a grudge towards another instead of realizing my reaction is the same as holding onto a grudge; holding onto that moment as a reaction of irritation and not allowing myself to simply breathe through clear in the presence of another holding a grudge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold a grudge towards another as a way to make myself feel justified and righteous in my stance towards them as being better or more than them - to prove them wrong and to prove me right as if that is the meaning to life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the devolution of humanity through holding onto grudges towards others and not allowing myself to let something or anything go - realizing that if I cannot let something go, then I am defining myself according to that thing and in that, diminishing myself within my existence as thinking and believing I NEED that something to be who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of reactions as grudges towards others, as wanting to re-live the moment and re-telling the story to as many people as I can so that I can get a constant validation that I am right as the words of others... for them to hear my story and to tell me that I am right, and the other is wrong and so I am justified to have reaction in the first place

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of the words I speak and how limited I am in what I speak about as it's constantly about others and what others have done, and how they have wronged me - constantly placing myself as a victim to the wrongs of others and so constantly justifying why I am not taking responsibility for ME and who I am in this Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry the past with me as my thoughts and words as I replay the same moment from the past where I reacted to another, and to constantly tell myself that they are wrong, 'they, they, they' are the fuckers... and I am 'right, right, right' and so exist within this limited reality of conflict and friction that only breeds chaos and destruction and leads me farther from the reality of life and living

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to see, realize and understand that only I am defined by my words and any words that inflict blame unto another or does not stand within the principle of 'do unto another as I would have done unto me,' or 'love thy neighbor as thyself,' then I am not living to my absolute potential and instead allowing myself to fester in my mind of separation, conflict, blame - always existing in the past and never being PRESENT with what is REAL and what is HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to succumb to my mind as the back chat reactions towards other, and to allow myself to imagine what I would say to them, yet never have the balls to actually say it directly - not allowing myself to live out loud as self honesty whereas in the mind I can say whatever I want without any apparent consequences, yet not realizing that my thoughts, words and deeds have an impact on who I am and what I resonate within this world and what actions I take, and how it ripples through everyone and every thing around me. I am not isolated or alone... I am interconnected with all that is here and so I am absolutely responsible for every moment, every word, every thought, every judgment, every grudge, every moment of me that did not consider what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to LET GO of what I think others have done wrong, to me or towards others, and instead get on with myself and my life in terms of taking responsibility for ME and to stop worrying and focusing and re-living who another is... I realize this does not change anyone and only defines who I am and so I commit myself to define myself according to principles that are best for all... lifting myself through self-forgiveness out of the pits of petty living where humanity has succumb to the squalor's of an irrelevant existence where only the mind as ego, and self interest can be served.

I commit myself to live a life of relevance, where I do not participate in gossip or holding grudges or blaming others for what they've done and instead re-create myself to be the best version of me that stands up for what is right, what is just, what is best for all and what supports me and others to LET GO of what has been done and Start Over as Allowing, once and for all, Life to be Lived.




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