Last week I had a dream I died.
I was walking on a street in a neighborhood, and some guy came past me very fast and shot me with a gun, straight into my neck. It was at point blank – there was no missing me, it was inevitable, I was going to die.
In that moment, my initial experience/reaction was shock. This was it – it has happened and there is nothing stopping it, I am going to die.
I started to breathe, I brought myself to my breath, realizing that is where I am and this was happening.
More things moved within me – I thought of my partner and the unexpectedness he would have to walk with, with me dying.
I thought I wasn't ready, or that I slightly resisted the reality of what was happening, that I was dying.
I was disappointed that it happened this way, that is happened at that time, I wasn't ready to go, or at least I thought. But then I realized, or within me I knew, it was happening, that was the reality and there was nothing I could do to change it… so I just breathed.
I breathed and experienced no pain, I just breathed and waited – waited for the death process to be complete. As I was breathing, I was silent within myself – it was black and I was just breathing, there was only me. And then I told myself to open my eyes.
Actually – before this, before I went quiet in myself, and after the initial shock/realization of what was happening, I saw the night and the decisions and choices I made that brought me to that very moment, and I was regretful. I saw the timelines as the consequences of events, how I had created myself to be in that very moment. And to me, it was a shame. It was a shame it was ending this way because I could have chose differently. I could have gone another direction. But I didn't, and here I was.
And so then I told myself to open my eyes. And as I opened my eyes, I found myself in my bed holding my neck, calmer than I expected myself to be. It was just a dream. It wasn't real. But it showed me who I was in the moment of death, if death were to come to me today.
It was a reference for myself, for me to see who I would be in that moment. And while I had the awareness to breathe, and to be with myself, to ground myself, I still had the regret and the shame and the disappointment… I am not yet living my full potential.
In living my full potential, there would be no looking back, there would be an absolute embracing of what is here. And while I was prepared to embrace what was here as me dying, I did not unconditionally – there was a slight resistance, there was a slight fight… I wanted to not believe it, I wanted another chance. But that is the reality of death. When it is here, it is here and there is no going back.
I see such a gift of this dream, this dream where I faced my death. I was able to face that moment without any real consequence except the reality of who I am and what I am still holding onto and what I am still living. I in a way have a second chance – I was brought to my ‘end’ and could see what I would have done differently based on who I was in that moment.
And the gift – I am here, after dying, realizing what I did, seeing who I was – I am still here, and I can take all of that and support myself to improve my standing, to re-align my standing in this Life, in who I am, in what I accept and allow, and how I direct myself in this life.
Thank you death, for visiting me, for showing me to me.
Featured Artwork By: Sylvie Jacobs
The Journey to Lifers
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