26 March 2015

406 - My Experience as 'The Bully'

My experience with being a Bully.

When I was quite young, my cousin and I, who were less than a year a part, spent a lot of time together. We basically grew up as sisters. I would spend a lot of time at her house, and with this was the experience that ‘she was the boss’. Now, while I was the older one, this experience of her being bigger, or stronger or the authority of me while at her house was ever present. I never liked the experience, though for whatever reason I felt as if I had to check with her before I did anything, like get a snack or play with a toy or go to different part of the house. So while she never, as far as I recall, outwardly express this ‘bully-ness’ towards me, I felt within myself that I was being bullied… that she was the authority and I had to do what she said, and it was an experience of fear, like she could harm me in some way if I did not follow her rules.

Then there was this moment when we were out front playing in the yard. She had a bicycle, and I was standing over the bike – you know like you are riding it, then you come to a stop and just stand up, while still holding the handle bars? She then came in front of the bicycle, facing me and asked for her bike back, while also then grabbing the handle bars. She pulled the bike towards her and told me to give it to her. And I wasn't ready to stop using it. So I pulled back and said no. Within me there was quite the difference of experience, I had this rush of positive energy as becoming powerful enough to say no to her, or basically stand up to her. It was like in the moment I was not ready to give her the bike back, and I would not accept her request. I absolutely refused and expressed this to her. I was not moving.

We pulled and pushed for a bit until she became frustrated and called to her mom, saying that I was not giving her bike back. Within me, I was exuberant as I could see she was experiencing what I had always experienced in relation to her – that I had no choice in what I wanted or what I could do, she told me what to do and I just had to do it. Yet here, I was making the decision and I was not backing down.. and I liked the feeling of it. It was almost like that moment was the moment where my victimized experience towards her diminished because I saw a glimpse of being on the other side, if you will. In that, I felt like I was the authority, I actually had the power to decide for myself, and it no longer mattered what she said. There I also felt like the roles were now in the correct position – as I was the older cousin, and so ‘of course’, I should  be the boss. Obviously that is irrelevant, and only a social construct created where equality is replaced with self-definitions that put some above as better or to be of more value than another. Though at that young age, I experienced it and I embraced it, as I had no other understanding of it.

I later in my school years, elementary and high school, participated in the point where I deliberately acted in ways that I would classify as bullying. The first time is I outwardly told my closest friend at school that I could no longer be her friend, made quite the dramatic scene with it, and ran away from her to join my new friends.

So here was the desire to be apart of a group that I defined as ‘better than me’, and so in that, did what they wanted me to do and that was to tell my friend that I would no longer be her friend. I had to potentially harm another simply to make myself feel better. So is that what all bullies do? You exert yourself and your position over another, simply to find acceptance in some other group or in the eyes of someone else? I have since, walking my process and Journey to Life, written about this particular experience and shared the insights and self-forgivness, which you can read here.

Then later in high school – there was a girl that I had been in school with for quite some time, so we knew each other well enough. We did not hang out with the same people, though I knew her and she knew me, and we were for the most part, and up until this moment, pleasant with each other. Though – she then started dating a guy that my best friend at the time use to date. And within our relationship – of course, you play into each other’s ego, and so I then became to dislike this girl I had known, simply because my friend did, and simply because she was now dating her ex.

There was only a few run-ins with this girl, though what I did to her, in terms of verbally and physically, I would classify as bullying, It was like we wanted someone to attack, and I wanted to prove to my friend that I would stand up for her, and I was ‘cool’ in that I would express to this girl what she wanted, though wasn't doing herself. So again – it was for my peers, it was for acceptance, and it was to be seen in a specific way in the eyes of others. I later regretted this behavior, and I knew it was unacceptable, and told myself if I were to ever see her outside of high school, I would tell her that behavior was unacceptable and that I am sorry for treating her that way.

So this is my experience with being a bully – clearly indicating that what we outwardly express to another is due to how we experience ourselves inside ourselves. The desire to be accepted by others, and so our own self-interest as our self-image cause us to do things that are not best for all or even in the consideration of another. Obviously if I had any awareness of the Desteni I Process, and the principles and tools shared – I would never allow this of myself. Instead I would investigate why I felt like I needed to behave in this way, why I felt like I was powerless in relation to my cousin and so wanted to overpower her and turning the tables sort to speak, or why I thought how others viewed me was more important than how I viewed myself.

I would tell my younger self to stop and breathe and look at WHY I feel the way I do, to stop focusing on the people outside of you or around you, and instead get to know yourself and realize that an un-directed mind can cause harm to others and does not support you to be the best being you can; to live to your utmost potential. I would tell my younger self to do unto another as you would have done unto yourself, and to place yourself in the shoes of another…. And ask yourself – would I like this for myself? I would tell myself to use those principles to walk with and guide my actions and to never allow myself to accept anything less than this, as then I am considering more than myself… then I am considering the potential within life, and the potential in creating a harmonious and mutual beneficial relationships. Then I am not attacking the life in others, instead I am recognizing it and treating it equally.

Watch the LIVE Google Hangout on this topic:

What creates a bully? Where does the nature of bullying come from? Are bullies just a small group of individuals, or does bullying exist in all people, on various levels? What is the bully not considering when they bully other people? How can the Desteni I Process support one who has been a bully in their present or past? We will be discussing this and more in tonight's LIVE google hangout! Join us with your comments, perspectives, and questions!

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