responsibility, directing myself and my own experience and thus NOT allowing it to direct me or how I express myself moment to moment, I rather projected this unto my partner in how I communicated with him.
It was like it's 'his fault' and he's doing something wrong and he should be the one to fix it. Now obviously I know this is not actually the case - whatever my problem is, is just that, MY problem. Though - how easy it becomes to, in relationships, blame and project our own (inner)stuff unto our partner/relationships.
So now the guilt and regret come from reflecting on what I'm accepting and allowing - though that's the point here I would like to address. It's only AFTER the fact, after I have already accepted and allowed myself to squander the moments I do have with my partner that I see the correction required of me. So then it's like wtf, why must I face consequence as the negative experience of guilt and shame before I decide to change myself, and direct myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to fight for my own limitations. Because that is essentially what I am doing when in such an experience when communicating with my partner - I am accepting myself as how I in that moment experience myself, as annoyed, frustrated, dissatisfied and I just sit in it, in some way blame my partner for not making me feel better, or for not being able to actually make me feel better, because that's also just it - I am the only one that can change the experience of myself as it is a self-created acceptance and allowance.
So the problem: Accepting and allowing myself to continue to 'sit in my shit' when interacting/communicating with my partner without directing myself within self-responsibility, projecting myself as the self-irritation, annoyance, or dissatisfaction unto my partner as if it's 'his fault', and then allow this to influence who I am in the moment of interacting/communicating with him. To then later feel guilt and shame as I see, realize and understand what I am doing, how it is NOT living to my full potential, how it instead perpetuates the self-limitations I've imposed on myself, and how I essentially squander the time I do have with him; separating myself from myself, him and the moment we have together.
The Solution: Take SELF-RESPONSIBILITY in the moment when/as I see myself in 'an experience' where there is something bothering me. Within my agreement, I have seen first hand how communication supports in 'talking through' any points that may be here and influence one or both partners, and how through self-honest communication and sharing can open up and 'lift' whatever weight was being carried by one or both partners. And so one solution is to be self-honest with myself, and my partner about what I am experiencing and be willing to BE the solution as no longer accepting and allowing myself to continue to participate in whatever is 'my problem', but to instead face it, deal with it, sort it out, direct it and let it go. So another part of the solution - to take that moment as the opportunity it is to make a Quantum Change in stopping, breathing, changing my physical position say from slouching to sitting up straight - asserting myself as directive principle of ME here in/as the moment, within/as my physical body and how I am expressing/presenting myself.
The Reward: Directing myself to live my utmost potential and expression in a moment by no longer accepting and allowing the Mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions that create an experience to direct/influence me as Who I am in the moment of interacting/communicating with my partner. Stopping blame, projections and expectations unto my partner to 'do something' to make me feel better and so no more causing a conflict within such communication/interaction. Giving myself the power to be self-honest within the ability to actually change me and no longer allow energy as experience to be my guiding force. To honor myself as Life as the self-awareness I am as each and every breath that exists in stability, consistency and actual enjoyment as self-expression of each moment. Living a Self-Agreement that can stand as a pillar of support for myself in relationship to other.
Self-forgiveness in the blog to follow...
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