28 October 2014

374: Why Do we Give Ourselves the Option of Giving Up?

I am currently busy walking the EQAFE Atlantean Series "Giving Up". I highly recommend this series, as well as any series on Eqafe, but specifically the Atlantean's as they present a step-by-step guide on 'how to' understand and correct specific emotions/feelings we face throughout our lives.

So the first interview was insightful and supportive for me, because although I was able to identify the 'giving up' thoughts that were coming up in relation to a specific point I am facing in my life - what I was able to see more clearly through listening to the interview was the trigger of this giving up play out within my mind which came from an initial reaction to a point in my life that was negative in nature, and from there I activated this 'giving up' construct within/as me. It was quite a heavy experience this past week as this specific energy/emotion was coming up as wanting to give up. That is why I am so grateful for the Atlantean series, as it supports you to see ALL the dimensions in relation to a particular point you are facing; what is behind it and what to look for, specifically, as to dismantle system within you. Like I said, I am currently busy with the first part of the interview series and the practical application suggested. Below I will share the self-forgiveness that came from that, and in the blogs to follow I will share the process in which I am walking in relation to letting go of this energy of wanting to give up.

So although this particular 'desire to give up' came up in relation to just one point I am facing/walking in my life - it is something I can relate to in various aspects/parts of my life, throughout my life, and as described in the interview, one of the cunning ways in which we manipulate ourselves into giving up - usually at the moment of transcendence - when we are at that pivotal point in our process, we will want to give up. So suggest to read the following out-loud and see where you have allowed yourself to give up at the moment just before the 'big break' where if you would have allowed yourself to stick with it just a little longer, you could have freed yourself from the constraints that facilitate the belief that you must just give up.

Phase 1 - Part 1:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively to another's change in their interaction with me as them distancing themselves from me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively to another's change in how they interact with me as being disengaged from me and to within this – think and believe they are not interested in me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define another as no longer being interested in me as a negative thing and to within this, place so much value on whether or not they are interested in me, that I lose sight of me being interested in me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that in me placing so much emphasis and importance on how others see me/interact with me that I do not acknowledge the starting point of such an experience, which is me not caring or having any interest in myself and so I seek it out in another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as not interesting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the back chat of  "they are not interested in me” as a reaction to another changing their interaction/behavior with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the back chat of “We have nothing in common” in thinking and believing that without energy as positive experiences, we have nothing to keep us interacting/relating and so validating and trusting myself within energy in relation to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having positive energy when interacting with others in thinking and believing that without it, we have nothing to keep us interested and interacting

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that relationships/social interactions require energy as positive feelings to exist

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to explore a relationship/social interactions with others without emotions and feelings as energy to play a role, in a way, hiding my real self for an experience with another, instead of getting to know the reality of each within/as relationship/interaction and thus getting to know another and myself for REAL

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself within back chats of abuse wherein I diminish myself in such a way wherein I tell myself I’m not good enough in relation to others, as comparing myself to them and them as more than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet see, realize and understand the equality inherent within myself and others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having created relations with others based on energy as interest and positive experience and to think and believe that without the energy experience, we will not have anything in common/any reason to interact; that we cannot possibly remain in any kind of social interaction/relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout these back chats acceptances and allowances, to fear being alone/without friendships/relationships/social interactions – in thinking and believing without energy as positive experience, we will cease to exist, and because of that I will be alone, and so ultimately fear being without another/a relationship/social interaction/alone with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I am always alone, at the very core and origin of my existence as who I am and will always be is alone, and that to fear it is to fear my very existence, and the nature of existence, as all being ALLONE and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace this aloneness as the onenenss and equality of life

When and as I see myself participating in negative back chats in relation to my relationships with others as reacting to ‘what we have’ together and what we've created as our relationship/social interactions – I stop and I breathe and I ground myself in that moment. I see, realize, and understand that this initial negative reaction was due to a change another made within themselves, and exposed where I was in relation to that, as also participating in a positive energy, and so instead of going into judgement about what has happened/what I've allowed within/as myself in relation to my relationship with others and where I am at the moment, to rather learn from the mis-take and see what is required to change, instead of projecting failure unto my relationships with others, to instead take responsibility for myself within/as the social interactions/relationships as a part/extension of myself and so I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to participate in back chats of the mind in relation to social interactions/relationships not working out, and instead ground myself in the physical and work it out in writing to see what is going on, remove any fears or reactions that may be triggering the back chats, and to instead find practical solutions for myself in terms of aligning myself back into my self-stability, without the need or participation of positive feelings or negative emotions and I clearly see relationships based on energy cannot stand/last as well as if I see that if my social interactions/relationships are in conflict, It is because I am in conflict within myself and so to take responsibility for that point, as myself before placing importance or priority unto any relationship/social interaction outside of myself here

Will continue with part 2 of this first phase in the blog to follow...




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25 October 2014

373: Changing the Past

I am continuing here from the previous blog in relation to a memory/experience of when I was a child in dance class, being put in the back row and interpreting this as a personal thing against me, as implying I was not good enough to be in the front row. Here the corrective statements and realizations to live by, as I can see just how much that one moment from my childhood defined/influenced the rest of my life.

When and as I see myself interpreting another's actions or words towards me or in relation to me, as something personal, specifically as it implying I am not good enough - I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand how since my childhood, from one moment of accepting and allowing myself to take it personal when my dance instructor put me in the back row, as implying I was not good enough to be in the front, I carried this self-belief and idea about me that I was somehow not good enough as who I am, and that my place belonged in the back - simply from accepting this one moment of mis-interpreting another's actions towards me without seeing the common sense reality of why I was being put in the back row.

And so I commit myself to not participate in the assumptions, and ideas in my mind when they are making another's actions or words towards/about me personal and instead stick to the breath, stick to the physical, and thus stick to the REALity of what is actually going on and not allow my ego to come to any CONclusions about what is going on.

When and as I see myself defining things in relation to good/bad or positive/negative - specifically in relation to what I'm doing, or what someone is saying to me, or directing me in a particular position, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand the consequence of defining things about me and others, and existence really, in the context of polarity as good/bad, or positive/negative as a limitation to mean that I can only be/experience/express in either of those two points, instead of removing the polarity, remaining stable, seeing reality for what it is and so not to enslave myself to be determined by how I define something/someone/me as only positive or negative - as well as how I then accept myself to experience myself according to how I defined a particular point/event/situation wherein if I define it as positive, I feel positive or if I defined it as negative, I feel negative. So rather I commit myself to stop limiting myself, others, situations, life and existence as a whole to be that of only two points, positive or negative, and instead let go of the polarity construct within my mind as it has no grounding in physical reality.

When and as I see myself comparing myself to others as others being better/more than me, and me as not good enough/good as them - I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand how destructive comparisons are in this context, and how I have been accepting and allowing this kind of use of comparisons to flourish in my life wherein I use it as a constant reminder that there are those that are better than me and so I should rather sit back, keep quiet and let others take the lead - and how this is based on an idea of myself from my childhood that I have been sustaining and living out, yet was not founded/grounded on any substantial/real evidence, but based within the mind as a reaction of taking something personal in a moment, and comparing myself to others. Instead I commit myself to use comparisons constructively as seeing how others live, and express themselves as examples from which I can learn and expand myself, rather than to use it to diminish myself and essentially keep me in a fear of breaking through the initial belief about me that I am not good enough to be in the front/to be seen

When and as I see myself internalizing my external reality and interactions, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the mind does not interpret reality based on common sense, or physical reality, but solely on self-interest, self-belief, and assumptions and so I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing myself to reflect upon my reality and situations that I am a part of through my mind, but to rather write out any refraction that I experience as to ensure I am seeing FOR REAL, and not through the mind's eye of separation as judgments, comparisons, or self-limitations and to rather investigate what is REAL in an situation based in common sense, understanding and clarity. I commit myself to stop allowing my mind to interpret my life, and rather take responsibility for my own life and what is here and who I am in relation to it.

When and as I see myself feeling bad about myself based on ideas/judgments of me that I am somehow not good enough, or should stay in the background/back row, and to within this, blame myself for being one who is not good enough, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, understand that this self-belief and experience of me is a consequence of a constant acceptance and allowance of myself that I Have listened to time and time again, and that has it's origins in my childhood wherein I defined my dance instructor putting me in the back row as implying I was not good enough to be in the front and how in that moment, I accepted the idea that there must be something wrong with me/I must not be good enough since I was not put in the front row. I commit myself to stop living out the patterns developed throughout my life and to instead let go of the belief that I must stay in the back, or that allow me to blame me for thinking I am not what others expect of me - instead I commit myself to change the pattern and make a decision about who I am based on actual physical reality, and not within my mind as fear, self-interest, and judgments and so to ultimately let go of this moment/memory as to no longer keeping the past alive and to instead LIVE HERE, in this moment, as who I am now - not who I thought I was 25 years ago.

When and as I see myself wanting to hide out, and stay in the background as not drawing attention to myself or being visible by too many people, I stop and I breathe. I ground myself in this moment through breathing before I allow myself to live out this idea of me, as I see/realize/understand that this construct is based on the past of who I was in a moment as a reaction in relation to being put in the back row of my dance class and how I've come to find comfort in the belief that I do not have to face the fear of who I would be 'in the front'. I commit myself to do that which I resist, to stop living out the idea that I must remain in the background and not visible, and instead see who I am HERE, visible and present and willing to live out loud for all to see as I realize if I am not hiding anything within me, then I have nothing to hide from others. I commit myself to stop living out my childhood fear and belief that I am not good enough, and face myself in those moments I fear the most and to move beyond the constraints of this construct based on memories from my childhood.




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19 October 2014

372: How does our Childhood Experiences Influence Who we are Today?

In yesterday's blog, I wrote about a memory that was an initial moment in my life where I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, based on the actions of my dance instructor - putting me in the back row and misinterpreting this as meaning I was not good enough to be in the front row.

What I see more clearly since writing it out is how that has been a major experience throughout my life - always feeling I must and should 'stay in the background', in a way hide out and not make myself visible. The idea of 'stepping up' or 'stepping out' and drawing any kind of attention to myself would trigger self-judgments and this idea that I'm not good enough to be seen, or heard, and so rather stay 'in line' and 'in my place' of being in the back row.

This has obvious consequences in my life such as suppressing myself in a moment where I could speak, or act, or share myself and instead I will remain silent and as less noticeable as possible - there I feel the safest and as if it's where I belong, instead of realizing the abuse this is actually towards myself and how I am not giving myself the opportunity of equality; to actually share who I am here and not be afraid that others will judge me or define me as not good enough and that I am stepping out of place, but rather honor and embrace me in each moment and allow me to step up and take the spotlight when it becomes/is relevant/necessary for me to do so.

Another aspect I see of this, is how from such a starting point of me, where I accept and allow the belief that I am in an inferior position/a negative position in relation to others, I go into a desire to 'be more' and to 'be seen' and so can see how this very much played out in my life of 'wanting to be special'. Essentially attempting to access that part of me that I denied to myself when I compared myself to the other dancers as being better/more than me. Though the problem here, it was always based on energy (attempting to get to the positive), an attempt to move from the original self-acceptance that who I am is not good enough/inferior/less than others.

So now for the self-forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I was put in the back row of my dance class as thinking and believing that the reason of this was because I am not as good as the dancers who were put in the front row

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being in the back row of my dance class as a negative/bad thing and being in the front row as a positive/good thing and so react negatively/bad within myself when being placed in the back row

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret me being placed in the back row of my dance class as saying I was not good enough to be in the front, to be seen, and to within this, compare myself to the other dancers that were placed in the front row as them being better/more than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to internalize the placing of me in the back row by my dance instructor as defining me in a particular way as being not good enough to be in the front, to be seen, and so hidden in the back to be out of sight

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about myself and judge myself in dance class when I thought I was being put in the back row because I was not a good enough dancer to be in the front, and in a way blame me for being who I was because apparently who I was was one that was not good enough to be in the front row

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from this moment in dance class, carry the belief/idea about me that I am not good enough to be seen and should rather hide in the background as to not draw attention to myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to challenge/question this belief/idea about me that I accepted and allowed as a part of me when I reacted in dance class to being put in the back row

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry this experience/reaction as the memory within me/my mind as a guiding force in my life as a constant reminder that I must stay in the back row/background as to not be seen as accepting that there are others that are better and more than me and more equipped to 'be in the front'/be visible and so I should rather keep my place in the background/inferior position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life, create a fear of being 'seen' or visible to others where I draw attention to myself based on this memory of being in dance class and thinking I was put in the back row because I was not good enough to be in the front, and so fear what would happen if I were to be put in the front/become more visible to others - thinking they would judge me as I judged myself and compared myself to others as not being good enough

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider the common sense of why I was actually put in the back row of my dance class, as being obvious to not tower over the other girls in my class, as I was one of the taller girls in class and would block the shorter girls if they were put in the back and so instead of seeing/realizing this common sense reason as to why I was put in the back, and that it was NOTHING PERSONAL, instead accept it as such, define myself accordingly and then live out this self-acceptance as keeping myself quiet and in the back as if that is where I belong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself in relation to the other dancers in my class, and define those that were placed in the front row as better than me in thinking they were put in the front so that others would see them and not see me, as I was placed in the back row

Self Corrective Statements in the blog to follow.



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17 October 2014

371: A Moment When Self-Judgment Began

Recently I have been facing/seeing more and more the self-judgments that I seem to allow to prohibit me in every aspect of my life. Whether it's work, social interactions, an online presence, or in my relationships, self-judgments seem to be the one point I allow to keep me diminished and locked down into a specific stance of inferiority wherein the ability to move me, in whatever it is I decide to do, is hindered by this idea of me that "I'm just not good enough."

I see how much these judgments effect my ability to move me, such as a fear that no matter what I do, it will always be no good; like I will always come up short, missing something, and somehow worse than the 'other guy.' So perhaps if my starting point was based in equality and oneness, and not competition as separation, this experience would not exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the judgments I make about me/all aspects of me and to within this, accept and allow myself to judge myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge everything that I do as not good enough, or not up to par which begs the question - what and who's standard am I attempting to live?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as myself and all that I do within a starting point of trying to prove myself, in trying to be better than the judgments I impose on me, which become the imprisonment of myself as I see the hesitation my own self-judgments create wherein I do not trust me to move freely, to act, to express, and to instead keep me enslaved to the idea that it doesn't matter what I do, it will never be good enough anyway.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to exist within who I am without judgments, to see who I could be and who I am without self-judgments.

In writing this self forgiveness for myself today a memory came up. It was a memory of when I was quite young, before the age of ten.

Memory:

When I was in dance, I was always put in the back row. I was never in the front or center; always in the back, very last row. I started to take this quite personally as I felt the dance instructor was implying with her placing me in the back row that I wasn't good enough to be in the front, that in the back less people can see me and so would more likely see the other dancers in the front. So here I accepted comparison as well - that being placed in the back row meant those in the front were 'better' than me, and so I was not good enough/worse than them.

I can see how perhaps this was not the case at all. Having nothing to do with my ability to dance, but rather more a structural/balancing point. You can say I'm on the taller side for an average girl, and those in the front were the shortest in the class. Me and the other dancers that were taller were placed in the back, I'm sure as to not be towering in the front row where definitely no one would see those in the back. So from this perspective, I realize it was nothing personal, it was common sense, you put the shorter dancers in the front, and the taller dancers in the back that way all dancers are able to be seen; it was merely a common sense point.

Perhaps if the instructor explained this to us, I would have been less likely to have taken it personally; another reason as to why communication is so important. To articulate one's reasons and intent create clarity for all involved and prevents any unnecessary reactions/assumptions/consequences.

So a source point in which I've allowed self-judgments to continue to cycle throughout my life - a moment when I was a child wherein I reacted, took something personally, believed the thoughts about me that I wasn't good enough, and that there were those that were better. Throughout my life then carrying this as a self accepted belief about me. I will clear this up in the blogs to follow.







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01 October 2014

370: Does Your Name Define You?

Ever notice yourself see someone's name and immediately you are convinced you know who that person is, simply because of how you defined, or reacted, or perceived that name to be?

This is something that came up within me recently, and what I realized is just how much we project ourselves unto EVERYTHING of this existence. Whether it's a person, or a place, or even a name - the ideas, reactions, experiences, everything we feel about something or someone, defines who WE are, not who the person or thing is. And so even with a name - how I define the name, how I experience the name, whether I see it as something familiar or different, it's ALL me - yet we so conveniently think we are 'seeing' who another person is based on what their name is. But no - it really does reveal exactly who we are and what we accept and allow.

So the following is the self forgiveness applied for the reaction I had seen within myself in relation to another's name.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge another for the name they have, wherein it was different sounding and not a name I have seen/heard before and so within this, react negatively as defining names that are different to me as those people being different from me and so stand in separation of them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the name (insert name here) as not traditional or familiar to me and to have a negative energy reaction to it, in not wanting them to be different from me, and thus actually fearing them/our interaction all based on ideas I had about them in relation to their name

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define another by the name they were given, instead of who they are as a person/being/expression/life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I know who someone is based on their name, instead of seeing and realizing that what I ‘think’ I know about them, is actually what I now know about myself, as all I have done is projected my own ideas and perceptions and feelings about a name unto who the being is, and so it actually has NOTHING to do with who they are, and instead who I am as what judgments/perceptions and so separations I am still accepting and allowing within/as myself in relation to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist anyone who has a name I have not seen or heard of before, and so within this, wanting to stay in my comfort zone of ‘what I’m use to’ – instead of realizing that this being and their name is a gift of support in showing me where my limits are, and where I've set up boundaries within my mind, and how I've done it as here it is within names and so I forgive myself that I have trusted the initial reactions as the ideas I have about who others are according to their name, instead of making my own decision through getting to know them, interacting with them, and thus not allowing my IDEAS and judgments and perceptions limit me, but to instead move past my own self-created limitations

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define any and all names I have not heard of or seen before as different and to within this, attach a negative energy to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit the expression of beings to be that of a name, and not even just to a name, but to my definition of a name; my experience in  relation to a name, which are simply a construction I've created throughout my life, based on experience, that exists within my mind – yet is not actually REAL or VALID in terms of actually, physically, practically defining another or showing who they are as a being

When and as I see myself reacting, defining, and so assuming to know who a being is based solely on their name – I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that what I THINK I know about who another is, based on their name, is only my own judgments, perception, and ideas, and does not in fact in any way define or represent who another is. And so I commit myself to take responsibility for what exists within ME in relation to how I see/define others based on a name, and to instead get to know them for real before accepting and allowing any ideas, judgments, or perception to influence who I am in relation to others.

When and as I see myself resisting anyone based on ideas of them being different from me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this resistance is my own limits that I have created within myself in relation to others, and that it’s not actually real or valid, but only a way to sustain my judgments and perception of others, which does not define them but defines me. And so I commit myself to realize the responsibility I have to push through any resistance I have created in relation to others, based on ideas of who they are, and to instead see for Myself, FOR REAL, and not based on society, family, culture, or consensual perceptions and instead decide for myself who others are, as well as decide for myself to move past my own limitations that suggest I should stay in my comfort zone and not embark on anything that I define as ‘different’, and thus is another way to create separation. Instead, I commit myself to stop separation, and instead find, face, and stand as the equality within All life.




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