24 September 2014

369: Living Words: Approval

Approval.

As I was sitting outside tonight, reflecting on my past week, I saw the most conflict I had was in relation to this word approval, wherein I still accept and allow myself to believe approval must come from something outside of myself from either my relationship/partner, my parents/family, or my work. Even in the approval of others, as my fear of others not accepting me, I am accepting and allowing this belief that approval MUST come from something or someone outside of myself.

So in seeing what I have experienced this past week, I see the solution that is necessary is for me to redefine this word Approval. Instead of seeing/defining it as something that another must give me, or that comes from something that I do as statues-definition, I must realize that approval must come from within and as who I am, as how I live; that what actually matters is that I approve of myself. And if I am not approving of myself, if I am not living Approval, as who I am in a physically, visible way, FOR myself, which is thus me in separation of the WORD approval, than obviously I will seek it from outside of myself because I have not yet ALLOWED it within/as myself.

And this is what I see in my life. This constant search for approval FROM others. Instead of it coming from ME.

So - in my life, I have defined this word as first something that another person must give me, or that society must give me; that the feedback I get from others suggest that THEY approve of me and who I am, then I believe I am able to 'have' approval. When in reality, I can see clearly whether I am worthy of approval, and I see that can only come from living principles that are best for all, and so best for myself. So I absolutely determine, in all ways, whether I am living Approval - by proving to myself that I will and am living/expressing my utmost potential.

Also, I have defined this word to have a positive-energy charge, where it's like this 'good thing' when one gets approval. So it has this energetic experience when I interpret other's actions or words or experience towards me as being 'approving'. Then I am constantly seeking PROOF that I am okay, good enough, and accepted. Instead of SEEING that the proof I am looking for of/as approval is revealed/expressed in my thoughts, words, and deeds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define approval in separation of myself here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that approval must come from something or someone outside of myself, such a my partner/relationship, or my parents/family, or the type of work that I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that society as a whole must approve of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly attempt to PROVE myself to others in order to get their approval

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must prove myself to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that approval comes from something outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to LIVE the WORD approval as who I am, in every moment, as my living expression and thus no longer participate in the belief that I need something or someone outside of me HERE to approve of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if another accepts or approves of me, then that proves I am acceptable or good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this word and world of approval wherein everyone is in a constant state of trying to prove their worthiness and value, because we have separated ourselves from the REAL value as LIFE as ALL in equality, and instead placed it in things and objects that we can buy and consume

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can express approval as who I am and thus no longer fight for it and seek for it outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to re-define the word APPROVAL as who I am in how I express myself, and how i live within/as principles, as the REAL proof that I am of life and for life as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a false definition to the word approval in seeing it as something positive that comes with a positive experience and so seek it from others to provide me with this feeling of being approved

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must prove myself to be worthy of life instead of realizing I have accepted an idea within humanity that life must prove itself as worthy and that it is not intrinsically worthy AS LIFE in equality and oneness simple by the mere fact that it is HERE, it is physical and it is Equal to All

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define approval as an image in my mind of others smiling at me, and praising me for what I do and who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if others don't approve of me, then I am unworthy as an equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define approval to be something that is of a standard that has no grounding in actual, physical life or living but instead exists as an image within the minds of men that have created a picture of what is to be 'approved' that only continue to perpetual and fuel a cycle of beliefs that do not in fact honor physical life or living, but instead an energetic feeling

Websters  Dictionary defines approval as the following:

noun \ə-ˈprü-vəl\
: the belief that something or someone is good or acceptable : a good opinion of someone or something
: permission to do something : acceptance of an idea, action, plan, etc.


I have lived this word as the belief that something or someone OUTSIDE OF MYSELF must tell me/show me that I am good or acceptable - instead of giving/gifting this to myself.

So here I am bringing the word back to ME, giving myself permission to do something, which is to approve of ME, self-approval. I give myself permission to be here, to be EQUAL to all others, not more then or less then, but simply Equal as Life. I give myself permission to stop needing or looking for approval/permission from others, as the authority of me, and instead direct myself as my own self-authority to determine who I am, my self-expression, and so how I live in each moment.

When and as I see myself looking for approval from others as my relationship, or through family and friends, I stop and I breathe and ground myself back to ME Here. I see, realize, and understand that when I am looking for approval outside of myself, it implies I am not living/giving it of/as myself and so I commit myself to ground myself in the living of the word approval, as giving myself permission to be here, to accept myself, to be EQUAL to all others as Life and thus honoring myself within my expression, in every moment of breath.

I commit myself to stop believing that approval must come from something outside of Me, My-Self

I commit myself to practical living of self-approval through giving myself the time to get to know myself, my strengths and weakness, to not judge myself, and to instead unconditionally embrace ME as an equal part of/as Life and so participate as the +1 I am in creating substantial change within this One Life I am.

Approval - giving myself permission to get to know myself, to become intimate myself through the process of writing, self-honesty, self-forgiveness, and self-corrective application. To express myself through an unconditional acceptance of who I am HERE, in this moment, and through the time I have here, as each breath, establishing myself within/as Equality with All things and All people as the real value of Life and Living. 







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19 September 2014

368: Justification for Keeping my Distance

Continuing on with the recent points opened in the previous blogs, here I'm going to have a look at a memory I could see was in relation to this avoidance of creating/sustaining relationships with people.

I was working as a server at the time, at a place I had been for quite a while; more than a few years at least. It was during the summer and I was on the patio setting up tables and getting it all ready for the lunch shift.

At that time, I had been looking at apartments on the West Coast; just getting a general idea of what the cost of living was out there and seeing if and how I could afford to do that. So moving was very much on my mind those days. I'm not sure what specifically triggered the thought pattern I started to participate that morning while opening up the patio for the restaurant that I worked for, but I started to go into justifications as to why I didn't want to or that I saw it wasn't necessary for me to build any lasting or significant relationships with people, specifically those that were in my immediate environment.

Perhaps this was coming from a long-time friendship that had just hit the rocks prior to this time, or even me having reactions about the current relationships I had, mostly with those that I worked with at the time. I had always had this experience of being on the outside, not ever really fitting in, and making my niche with others. I have had very few relationships in my life where there was this complete bond, or absolute comfortable interaction where I felt I could be completely open with another and they could be with me, and in that we got along great. The two major relationships of those types I had in my life - both ended in conflict and did not last, as we ended up no longer speaking.

So like I said, this specific memory I am looking at - I must have been assessing my current friendship/relationships at the time, or assessing the reaction or overall experience I had in relation to those specific relationships because I recall coming to the conclusion that I would be moving away anyway, and it would not be necessary for me to try and create any deeper, more substantial relationships with anyone at that time.

Obviously, I can see for myself, that this was the justification for some kind of resistance or idea or fear I had in relation to actually getting to know, and thus letting my own guard down, in relation to others.

Now while I am speaking more from the contexts of friendship/relationships here, I can how this can and does also relate to business relationships, or family relationships, or even intimate/partnership relationships. The point being, we are interacting with others and within that, forming some kind of connection with another.

I've heard that relationships were like plants - you had to water them, and put them in sunlight; care for them, and tend to them, in order for them to grow. So for relationships, we had to tend to them, reach out to them, make contact with them in order for them to grow, or for them to even sustain as they are. This I was never good at, at least as I've gotten older, I can see this is not something I am most willing or eager to do. And obviously there is a reason behind that, some purpose in which I resist doing such a thing, and would rather 'keep to myself'. I would never define myself as anti-social, quite the contrary actually, I would define myself throughout my life as quite sociable and always with friends. Here then I must look at the experience in relation to people/relationships as the source from which I see a resistance to actually interacting/connecting/bonding, and overall simply forming a relationship with people - no matter the specific type.

The main point within this memory and specific experience is that I have had throughout my life a resistance to relationships; to forming/creating/sustaining any kind of relationship that goes beyond the surface of the 'hi, how ya doing' type of interaction. And for awhile there, I was using the prospect of moving out of town as the justification for accepting and allowing this resistance to creating relationships with others. Now, I am in a position where I will have to do the very thing that I resist, in order to move myself into a career/business that I would like to create for myself, so will have to face this resistance to others.

In the next few blogs I will address this memory with self forgiveness, as well as more back chats/excuses/beliefs I have about myself and others that sustains this resistance to forming relationships with others.



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01 September 2014

367: Stop Avoiding the Present because of the Past

Continuing on from the previous blog of self-forgiveness, here with self-corrective statements in how I can establish myself within facing this fear/resistance of building/sustaining relationships with people and how I can from this moment on, change myself in moments when/as this reaction comes up.

When and as I see myself fearing creating/building relationships with others, I stop and I breathe and do not participate as believing in the fear. I see, realize, and understand that this is not a practical fear, but an irrational fear that I have created based on past moments, and so I commit myself to deconstruct this fear and remove it from myself as no longer accepting and allowing it to direct me or have influence/power over me within and throughout my life

When and as I see myself wanting to keep a distance within myself and others as not wanting to build/sustain relationships with people, I stop and I breathe and do not participate in this 'want' as I see, realize and understand that this 'want' or desire has a starting point within/as fear, which is irrational and not practical and so is not valid as an accepted and allowed experience of myself and so I commit myself to get to know and understand where this fear is coming from and how I created it, to remove it from myself and thus no longer allowing myself to justify a fear within me that keeps me limited within staying the same, and that in the end, limits me from doing more for myself that could potentially be best for me

When and as I see myself defining relationships with people as difficult, I stop and I breathe and do not allow myself to participate within this belief/definition as I see, realize, and understand that this is only fueling my fear/resistance to building/sustaining relationships with others and so is not in fact best for me, and so I commit myself to redefine what it means to relate and interact with others, and to see the benefit in building and sustaining relationships with others and so no more accept and allow a definition based in fear keep me from doing what is necessary in the context of developing myself in specific areas of my life

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that creating and sustaining relationships is hard within the thoughts and ideas that I must change me in order for others to like me, I stop and I breathe and ground myself in my body and do not participate in such ideas as i see, realize and understand that to follow through in changing me when I relate/interact with others, I am essentially putting in more work then necessary and not allowing me to simply be here and be with others and so then it's obvious why I think it is 'hard work' because i am doing something that is not necessary and instead only based in a fear of others not liking me, and so I change me in order to get others to like me - here I commit myself to get to know myself and change the relationship I have with me and so start liking myself as that is the source, cause, origin of why I think others will not like me, because at it's core, I do not like myself and think I'm not good enough and then project this unto others and so I commit myself to redefining my relationship to me as the priority relationship to sort out and so no longer project it unto others in thinking 'they' will not like me and so I must change for 'them' to like me - instead I change for ME, and get to know myself and live in such a way where I can like me and enjoy me and thus can simply express me when interacting with others - here I realize that creating and sustaining relationships with others become much more easy as I am no longer participating in the projecting of me not being likable and so putting in effort to change in order for them to like me - when I like me, I do not need others to like me and so do not have to change for them and thus will prevent the want to avoid the 'difficult relationships' as I am sorting out and directing the relationship that determines all others - the one with me

When and as I see myself defining relationships as useless, I stop and I breathe and do not participate within this idea/belief/definition. I see, realize, and understand that this idea/thought is coming from past experiences and seeing how they have turned out in conflict and turmoil and never lasting and within my current experience as wanting to avoid relationships and so to no longer accept this of myself, to no longer carry the past with me, or live in the past based on memories of past relationships, I commit myself to not participate in this aspect of the fear and the memories related to it, that I am facing and walking through and so support myself to see how relationships can be and are beneficial when/as I am directing and expressing myself to the best of my ability - then relationships become equally beneficial and useful

I commit myself to walk in the moment, as the present, as to not limit myself and avoid potential beneficial relationships with others simply because of what happened in the past, instead I commit myself to give myself a new moment and a new opportunity to redefine who I am within relationships with others

When and as I see myself wanting to avoid relationships with people, and justifying why I want or must have few relaitonships in my life, I stop and I breathe and do not allow myself to participate within this want based in fear, as I see, realize and understand that this is coming from past memories of relationships with others wherein I experience negative emotions and so wanting to avoid relationships is me really wanting to avoid negative emotions and experiences I've had in the past. I also see, realize, and understand that instead of avoiding these negative emotions/energies, I can actually change myself within relationships with others wherein no conflict or negative energies exist as I am actually responsible for accepting and allowing that, and so I commit myself to instead of running from or wanting to avoid relationships based on past memories of relationships 'going bad', I instead face myself within relationships, and direct myself within myself, and so within the relationships, wherein I do not allow those reactions to exist, in investigating them for myself, seeing where and how and why they exist, and walking the process of self-forgiveness and self-correction to actually change it and so I commit myself to stop thinking I must run from the past and the experience I've had, and instead learn how to CHANGE me in relation to them, as no longer allowing negative emotions and experiences to direct me from changing me and keeping me in the same box of limits wherein I think I am protected

When and as I see myself resisting creating and sustaining relationships as not realizing that relationships is what MOVES this world, I stop and I breathe and do not allow myself to participate within this resistance, as I see, realize and understand that this world is set up on relationships and human interaction, and to limit myself within them, is to limit myself within this world and to limit myself as the movement within/as this world and so I commit myself to step outside of my comfort zone wherein I think and believe I 'prefer' to be alone or with only a few people I am most comfortable with, and instead face my insecurities, my fears, my anxieties about relating and connecting with others and thus move beyond the limits I have designed for myself and so supporting myself and others to create and sustain relationships that is beneficial for both and ultimately for all



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