Tonight's blog is in relation to the outflow of the starting point I had created towards my responsibilities. Within a negative perceptions/reaction towards my responsibilities, I then turned to find the outlet - the release - the point in which I could experience the opposite polarity of what I had actually accepted and allowed of/as myself in relation to responsibilities - which was moments of entertaining myself with series and online games. It was like little rewards I was giving myself throughout the day for 'getting through' the responsibilities I had. In this, I see I created a habit that I actually programmed within myself to automatically think about and want to go and play a game or watch a series after completing some responsibility in my day. So it was a pattern I developed wherein I would do some work, and then reward myself. Do some work, reward myself.
While I see nothing wrong with entertainment such as playing online games or watching a series here and there, the point that must be investigated is the self honesty within it - who am I within what I am doing? And so I can see 'who I am' as a being that is accepting and allowing the idea and thus action that when I complete responsibilities, which are so 'horrible and not pleasant', then I can go and do something that I find pleasant as a way to balance out this whole point. So in this, one can see I was not actually directing myself within going to watch a series or playing an online game, it was an 'urge' that I created in thinking and believing I 'needed' to do this, "I need a break", "these responsibilities are no fun, time to do something enjoyable." And so I see/realize and understand that because of how I was approaching my responsibilities, I was within that, creating this opposite point within me, of wanting to take breaks and let go a bit and do something that was more pleasant. Because I was 'forcing myself through' my responsibilities as this thing "I had to do", I wanted to do something "I wanted to do" that I did not feel forced to do, I wanted to relax. The thing is - anything we do can be pleasant, the problem comes in when we define one this as better or worse than another, or more strenuous, or when we are not looking at what is practical for us to do in our daily lives. Instead, we have accepted ourselves as always wanting to have a good time, doing things that are not really supportive or create anything of real worth in this world. That is not necessarily practical, as we can see this world has got a lot of things needing to be addressed and sorted out - so who am I to want to entertain and distract myself all the time while there is a world here asking for attention.
And so here, realizing the actual responsibility I have within my responsibilities and how I entertain myself. It's the 'me' within what I am doing that requires a change, to make sure I am not following some program within my mind that suggests "I can do whatever I want", simply because I had created this idea that "I have to do things I don't want to do." The point is there are things to be done to create certain outcomes, to get to certain places, to get to know ourselves and our world and so that requires priority attention.
The consequence of this creation is the compromise I then accept and allow as no longer willing to add to my schedule that which do in fact support me within my self-development process because I have 'used up all my time' with this polarity play out - responsibility and reward, and so instead, I want to hold onto things that do not support me, but only support this mental construct within my mind.
Okay, so I will go into the self forgiveness for this specific aspect of this play-out in the blog post to come.
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