29 January 2014

308: The First Mistake We Make in Relationships

I am continuing here in the process I've been walking in relation to the word 'insecure' and how I've seen myself live this out throughout my life.

The last two blogs specifically I was looking at the points of how this acceptance of myself as 'insecure' manifested consequences in my life in terms of attempting to find it in things separate from me here, such as how I physically look or how I dress - so this point of the picture presentation was where I placed so much of my ideas of security, believing that if I dressed the 'right way' or looked the 'right way', then I would find security within this world, which really what I was looking for was this point of security outside of myself as to be able to bring it back to myself - it's like we separate ourselves from such words as security or confidence or assurance and think we will find them in these outside/external sources such as our image yet within this, not realizing that we are doing this because we inherently want/desire to have that existent within us - yet we have gone outside of ourselves to find it and thus our act of separation. We don't consider that we are it already or that we can live it as an expression of ourselves - that in fact our physical actions and our physical words and our physical expression can stand within that very point, yet when we project it outside of ourselves unto something else, then in expectation that 'it' will give it to us or provide it for us, we are abdicating the ability and power we have to actually becoming Living Words.

And so here, for tonight, that point exactly - how I've expected to 'find' security, confidence and assurance in relationships outside of myself. I've already set myself up for an unstable and conflicted experience in a relationship with another because in this 'expectation', I have placed an 'ideal' that 'he' or 'they' must live up to. Of course, because only I can give to me that which I am looking for, because we have already established that by going outside of myself to find something, I am actually implying I want to exist within me - I am just disillusioned in believing it exists outside of me. So in actually believing another can or must give to me that which I have separated myself from, I create instability, resentments and anger - because 'they' are not doing what it is that I expect of them, which is actually what I expect of myself or know that only I can do for myself yet we attempt to so strongly hang on to the idea that we are not responsible for ourselves, that someone else is always 'to blame', that we are not the one that needs to make any changes - we completely miss the reality of the situation and what we are actually accepting and allowing and thus what we are actually manifesting as our relationships.

Ever wonder why relationships seem to fluctuate so much - why there is this acceptance of the reality of relationships to be such extremes in terms of love and hate - why they so apparently 'unexpectedly' burn out and we end up resenting and resisting our relationships - because 'they' (our partners) are not living up to our expectations, our demands. We want from them what we are not giving to ourselves and in not being self honest about that and facing this truth, we would rather blame, fight and end the relationship then taking another look at the responsibility we have to what we have equally participated in, in creating the relationship as it is, we would rather walk away and try again to find ourselves in someone/something else. The everlasting trap.

Man - how many struggles and conflicts one could save oneself from if only we dared to become self responsible in realizing..... I AM THE ONLY ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT EXISTS WITHIN ME. Any emotions, any thoughts, any judgments, any anger, any ideas, any opinions, any movement within us that we project 'out there', unto 'them' is the greatest gift in seeing who we actually are. It is always, in all ways only Ourselves.

And so in this point of separating myself from self-security, self-confidence, self-assurance and projecting it unto a relationship as if 'they' must provide this for me - I am setting up quite a fuck up. I'm living in an illusion actually, because it doesn't exist 'out there'. It never has, it never will - it will never be Real for me if it's not who I am here. Because the moment I trust in an experience of self security or self confidence or self assurance that I 'think' another is giving me - I am stepping on a faulty foundation that will be removed the moment that person no longer stands as that point for me - the moment they leave my reality or do something that is not aligned to this point of giving me what I expect; "all of a sudden" the tables turn and I am in the opposite reaction as I am no longer being fed this experience that 'they' must provide - I am then enslaved to them - to what they do or don't do, what they give or don't give; I become dependent on 'them'. This we, alone, do to ourselves.

So the gift - bring the point back to myself. Be my own security, be my own confidence, be my own assurance that I will walk a process and commit myself to changing practically in this life to a being that I can live with, stand by and express as who I really want to be and that I see is best for all. The part of me that is Equal with All and thus does not need another to give anything, as I give to myself. And so as I give, for-give myself for my acts of separation, I receive and if all gave as they would like to receive and stop expecting 'another' to do something or say something or give us a nice feeling that makes us feel better, or to be the change - we would have a world of self responsible humans taking responsibility for who they are as equal participants and thus creators and we would have a change we would like to see in this world.

Must start here - Self First.



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28 January 2014

307: 'The Look' of Limitation

Continuing here from the previous post, Day 306: Removing the Illusion of the Beauty System:

When and as I see myself looking for a 'look' of me in terms of my face, hair or clothes to find a sense of security - I stop and I breathe - I bring myself out of the illusion of value in how I look and instead bring me back within the real value as self as the physical within/as breathing. I see/realize/understand that I have for too long defined myself according to how I look and in this, completely separated myself from who I really am and what life is actually about and what is in fact HERE, as this physical reality, as what Matters and in doing so - gave up the ability to develop me as a being that is of self love, self appreciation, self worth and self value as self security and so I commit myself to stop giving away the value I have as a being into/as an image of me as a presentation that does not stand within the context of what is real and what truly matters in our world and thus not best for all and so I commit myself to realign myself back from the many ways in which I've separated myself and my sense of who I am in relation to what is best for all as what is real in this world, bringing myself back into my body, back into this physical reality - through the process of self investigation, self forgiveness and corrective application through identifying the relationships I have created towards words such as security and see where I have misplaced their existence to be something that is separate from me here such as existing in how I look and so I commit myself to align myself within the living word security as being that which is stable, here, physical and thus real and no more give value to the image of me that I attempt to present as matching the image within my mind of what I am 'suppose to look like' as that which was told to me from outside/external sources

When and as I see myself becoming frustrated and insecure within how I look - I stop and I breathe and do my best to let go of the energy that consume me within valuing this as if it's who I really am - I see/realize/understand that I am actually limiting and diminishing who I really am in defining myself according to how I look and so I instead commit myself to develop who I am as a being, as an expression, as a pillar standing within principles, grounded in this physical reality and what matters in this world, through my journey to life and the process I walk in establishing who I am as not a mental image of me that I attempt to project on my physical body - instead an actual, physical, breathing being that is here - in and as the shape I am, valuing the functioning of my body more than the look of it and thus not attempt to make it better or more based on ideas and comparisons or accepting the image I've seen that is said to be of value and ensure security in this world through the majorities acceptances - I commit myself to value the physical body for what it is as a functioning unit that does what it does in allowing me to exist HERE and so I commit myself to value the gift I have as my physical body that allows me to move and express and share in this world and walk a process to get myself to a point of equal unconditionality as the physical body supports me within it's living example - giving me life unconditionally, despite the abuse I attempt to put on it in trying to make it match an image existing within my mind as a judgment of how it's suppose to look

When and as I see myself reacting within fear of others not accepting or liking me and thus feel as if I am losing some kind of security in this world - I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the stability that is my physical body, equal to and one with this physical reality, and realize that this is where real security exists and not in the hands of others as I see/realize/understand that in thinking and beLIEving I will find security within others, I am giving away the power I have to be/live/express/stand as self - security, which I see/realize/understands exists within/as my physical body and the relationship I have with Me as a physical body and so I commit myself to develop who I am as a physical being in this reality through a process of getting to know myself - writing myself to freedom, self forgiveness and self commitments that I push myself to live as changing the nature of myself in no longer accepting and allowing myself to value the illusion that others can provide me with that which I am looking for, which is actually HERE, as me as self security - I commit myself to stop giving others power over me to decide for me who I am and how I experience myself as feeling secure or not and instead I commit myself to realize that security is not an experience - it is an expression of me that will take a process to develop through self honesty and thus self trust

When and as I see myself seeking and wanting positive feedback from others for the way that I look, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to my physical body and within the awareness that in this search, I am accepting myself as inferior and in need of another to tell me who I am as well as misplacing the value of who I am, defining myself in separation of what is real as who I am. I see/realize/understand that when I am seeking approval as positive feedback from others, and in this context, for the way that I look - I am missing the point completely in terms of what actually matters in this world and abdicating the responsibility I have to developing who I am as an expression of real life and not a condition of imprisonment we have imposed on ourselves and each other within thinking and believing that who we are is defined in the way that we look instead of the reality of life that exists within and as each of us - the breath of life and so I commit myself to stop thinking I require positive feedback from others and instead use this point as a cross reference for myself within my process in showing me I require attention within my relationship with me as a being as I am valuing more the image of me which is not real and so I commit myself to bring myself into the point of writing and self forgiveness to open up the points wherein I am looking for positive feedback from others and instead give to myself that which I am looking for - a sense of self security - I commit myself to be here for Me, in the ways that actually matter

When and as I see myself seeing, noticing and thus judging others immediately as the way that they look - I stop and I breathe and bring myself out of the beauty system of/as this world that accepts one to see the image of a being instead of the physical, breathing being that is here equally as me and as all life as I see/realize/understand that to accept this of myself is to accept it in this world and I see this does not serve real life or what is best for all as it is limiting life to be an image that we judge within polarity and so I commit myself to stop valuing the image of others and thus defining one according to how they look and start with sorting out this point within myself - stopping myself from valuing the way that I look as I see I must first change this within me before I can change it in relation to others and so I commit myself to removing the beauty system within me that judges and defines who self is in relation to my look and instead get to the real me as the being that expresses through thought, word and deed



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26 January 2014

306: Removing the Illusion of the Beauty System

Okay - so what I'm going to do here is apply the self forgiveness on the points mentioned in the previous blog - wherein I placed my sense of security and safety within the image of myself and from there will move into the points of security and safety I've expected to find in relationships. Enjoy the journey. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear make up from the starting point of insecurity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my sense of security in/as the look of myself - such as the make up I wear or how I do my hair or the clothes that I have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word security through defining it in outside/external points such as what my face looks like or what my hair looks like or the style of clothes that I wear

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will find security in how I look - trying to have a look that others will approve of and thus believe then I will feel secure

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define security to be within how others perceive me and thus submit myself to be enslaved to how I think others think of me - thinking I must look a certain way in order to feel secure in this world

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to create a world where the look of a being is valued more than who the being is and so within misplacing this value unto a false image of self and not on who self is - create a world of insecurity, as it exists within something that can be removed/is not real/is an illusion/does not matter as it is not matter as the physical, breathing being

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I get positive feedback on the way that I look, then I am secure in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define security to be in positive feedback I get from others about the way that I look

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to see others based on the way that they look first and foremost and thus expect this from others and so pursue the look I think will give me the most positive feedback within the starting point of fear - fear of not being accepted by others and thus not secure in this world

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to place my self security in the hands of others as if I am not capable of living within/as security as who I am

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if one is pretty and adored by others and popular, then they are secure within this world

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define security in this world to exist within the way a being looks

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not care to develop who I am as a being within focusing and giving all of my attention onto how I look, thinking and believing that is the most important thing because within this, believing that is where one find security

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if others like the way that I look, then they will like me as a person and so within this, I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am as a being, completely and totally, within the way that I look

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define being attractive as being secure in this world

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that attractiveness is subjective and thus not even real as it's a matter of opinion and so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to value the opinions of others and use that as a way to define myself as either secure in this world or not

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to never question the fear I have of being insecure, as wanting to be secure within the pursuit of acceptance from others as how I 'should' look - defined and accepted in accordance with the majority accepted definition of 'beauty'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself trust the story I was told within this world that if you are to wear the right clothes and have the right hair style and look a certain way - then you will have acceptance and thus security in this world

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define security as how I look instead of realizing that the look changes - as do the opinions of others and thus what we define as attractive or good looking and thus acceptable and so instead of questioning this - be in a constant state of fear as in trying to keep up with the latest trend on who I must be in relation to my hair, clothes and make up and never dare to see who I was within such an acceptance - how I was in fact ignoring the being I was in allowing myself to exist within/as vanity

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear living without security as how I've come to define it

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if one do not have security within this world, as security within how humanity has come to accept and allow it to exist - as the image of oneself - then I will be an outcast and not good enough and thus seen as less than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as an insecure being and thus attempt to cover this up with the image of myself that I used to mask the reality of me - fooling myself as I fooled others to believe that the picture presentation of myself actually defines who I am

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am less secure in this world when I do not put on make up or do my hair or wear clothes that are 'trending'

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to forgo who I am within principles that are best for all for the place within the group of humanity that defines some as safe and secure and others not as being an outcast due to our severe case of judgments we place unto others in not living up to the standards we have set for each other and thus constantly abusing and pointing the finger at others and defining one according to how they look - all because we do not DARE to see who we are as the truth of ourselves within our own secret mind - desperately wanting to be and see only beauty as we are covering up the ugly truth of who we've become

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the only way one can 'play the game' as the beauty system in this world and thus come to have a sense of security in it - is with money - and so like our value system of money is based on an illusion - so is our value system of beauty - realizing that those with more money have the means to spend time and energy and of course papers on primping and buying the best clothes and thus only further removing themselves from the actual reality we have on earth and the real matters at hand - which is removing poverty, starvation, homeless and the ignorance that exists within us all - exposing how completely irrelevant the whole beauty system has become

Will continue this tomorrow...



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305: CONsequences of Insecurity

While I was searching for an image for my blog yesterday, the one opening up about how I have lived 'insecurity' in my life - I was reminded how much more outflows of insecurity exist then I was actually seeing in writing it out.

My experience specifically was in relation to a relationship - wherein I was feeling insecure and as if I was doing something wrong or I was not adequate and this mostly coming from that point already established within myself and so from here, looking for it in a relationship. When that does not provide what one is looking for in such a stance, then the reactions come and the experience of feeling inadequate is seen more clearly.

Yet I did not realize the other ways in which accepting myself as 'insecure' played out in my life. I mean - the amount of make up I would wear and the time I would take to 'get ready' before leaving my house, the energy I put into what I would wear - I mean all of these things came from within a starting point of accepting myself as insecure, and the more I layered myself with make up and clothes and hair products, the more I was trying to hide how I really experienced myself, which was insecure.

I mean, the fact that I could not - that I would absolutely refuse - to leave my house unless I was completely satisfied with 'how I looked' says so much in terms of how insecure I actually was - I was simply placing my trust of security in the way that I looked. And in this, only fueling the fear and acceptance that without these things I was not good enough. It was clear I was not secure in who I was/am as a living, breathing being because I was constantly trying to live up to some ideal I had in my mind of how I was 'suppose' to look or how I was 'suppose' to act. And so I did my best to play the part and fit the role and to no avail.

I created my whole being to be consumed by this point of trying to cover up, deny, suppress the real experience of myself as feeling insecure and the more I did it, the more I feared it to be true and real and the more obsessive I become in trying to be the opposite.

So what happens when a girl accepts herself as insecure? She is willing to do whatever it takes to experience the opposite. She will compromise herself and diminish herself into believing she needs something to feel better, to look better, to be better, to be perceived better. All because the girl didn't realize she doesn't have to live for anyone else's approval and she can be comfortable, content, satisfied and whole as who she is as a being.

It's clear to see how our image-driven world would produce such people that value more the look of themselves than the being that they are and who they are as how they live - of course that does not matter in our current acceptance of reality, what matters is where you are in comparison to others - whether you are more defined as beautiful or ugly - and man, girls will just play the part. We will wear the clothes we think we must wear and do our hair the way we think we must and put on another face as make up in believing - that is what we must do. We don't even question it. We have a picture placed before us and our told, "Be this and you are acceptable, you will be desired and you will get the attention you want." And so we obey. Without this pre-written script, we believe we are not safe - not secure, we are missing something and thus we accept our own self judgment.

We have bought into the biggest lie and that is that we are not okay as who we are - without all the ways and means in which we try to feel secure. We haven't even bothered to check within ourselves to see if we are actually beings of integrity, of real value and worth - we are too busy pursuing this external source that will provide us with the security in the world in which we believe we cannot live without - acceptance. What happened to self-acceptance? Does that even exist in this world? When girls walk in groups wearing the same types of clothes and the same hair-do - do we actually accept ourselves as individuals? Or are we too much in fear and insecurity to express our own being - we would rather look like the rest as the one image we are told is acceptable.

It is quite a fuck up we have created here - a world of insecure people. Trying so hard to fit in and find acceptance, never realizing it doesn't exist in such a search.

I have questioned this aspect of myself in defining myself according to 'my look' - and it has been a challenge and a process in removing that which I had for so long defined and come to depend on as a statement of myself. Even removing that point of make up and shaving my head - I was left with the truth of me and that was a being I never dared or considered to develop - it was always based on a false sense of self that was defined by outside forces and feedback. Since walking without this point, I was left with no security as the security I had come to define myself as was just a mask - once removed, the reality set it. I had to face the fact that I never dared to create myself in such a way, where I no longer needed make up or a new hair style or certain clothes to make me feel good about myself.

And so, here another layer that sustained this acceptance of me being insecure. I will continue with this in blogs to come.


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304: Is there a Cure for Insecurity?

Insecure.

That is the word I would use to describe the experience I've had in the last few days.

Here I am going to deconstruct my relationship to this word and how I've lived it throughout my life, as I see it's a word, I've defined and thus LIVE as a living word.

First, I'll start with the definition of the word - insecure:
:  not confident or sure :  uncertain
:  not adequately guarded or sustained :  unsafe 
:  not firmly fastened or fixed :  shaky 
a :  not highly stable or well-adjusted 
b :  deficient in assurance :  beset by fear and anxiety

Well hello, story of my life.



Although I have seen changes within me and my overall experience within myself and within my life the last few years, with the support of the Desteni Process - I can see how throughout my life and here now, coming through quite predominantly, this experience of being 'insecure'.

In self honesty I can see that even with the changes I've made in myself and in my life - this experience of insecurities has always been 'here' for/as me. Perhaps I have been busy suppressing this and it's accumulated to the point where it's something I find difficult to change. Although that is not completely accurate either, as I have not given myself really the time to investigate this point/experience I've had the last week - so perhaps had I took the time sooner I would have already dis-covered the problem and so the solution - yet no regret or blame on myself here, simply stating how this point has been playing out and who I've been in relation to seeing this 'new experience' emerge.

Which, as I've stated, is not new. It's quite a predominant experience that's played out throughout my life. Not confident or sure? Check. Not adequately guarded or sustained; unsafe? Check. Not highly stable or well-adjusted? Yep. Beset by fear and anxiety? Yes.

So yes, this word 'insecure' has definitely been an experience of myself throughout my life - yet here I would like to remind myself and all that it's just a 'feeling' - only an experience. Although I have come to accept and define myself as 'insecure' and 'not confident' or 'unsure' of myself and so constantly hesitating and holding back - these are not actual 'traits' of 'who I am' or real parts of myself. Meaning - I see/realize/understand that I can actually correct this part of me that I've come to define myself as - as being 'insecure'. That is actually the responsibility I have. The reason being here is that I see who I am within living this word - insecure - and the consequences it has within me and within my life. It is not a pleasant experience, it's filled with anxiety and emotions and fear and paranoia. It's unsettling and cause for quite the conflict in one person's life.

YET - it's has an origin within my life, somewhere in my life, since birth, I decided in a moment that this would be an experience of myself - that it would be an expression of myself - that I would exist within and as this word 'insecure' and it would come to dominant who I am in moments, wherein 'it' takes control and I am consumed by this energy if insecurity.

It's basically the lack of self trust - the lack of self worth - living the reverse perhaps of the REAL LIVING WORD - In-Security, actually standing IN and as SECURE as who I am as Self as All as One as Equal - in seeing the security that is here, as the breath, as life, as the physical - seeing what is actually stable as this physical reality that I am a part of.

So the Idea of being 'insecure' is sustained through memories and accepted self definitions that say 'this is who I am in these moments and with these people and that's just the way it is.' Yet I see this is a program - a CONdition I have imposed on myself in some moment of my life where I came to believe that there is no certainty within me as who I am in relation to what is here, that I cannot be sure of myself, that I must be in fear and that I must not be confident - somehow I am lacking or perhaps even in-fear-ior?

Within living this word as 'who I am', the consequential outflow is the constant search of security outside/separate from me here. Whether that is in relationships or addictions or habits - I am constantly looking for that point outside of me that says 'I'm okay' and I can feel secure and safe and certain and there's nothing to fear. I use things outside of myself to 'make me' feel secure, to tell me I can be confident and that I can be assure of myself. The catch - it is nowhere to be found outside of me. Perhaps for a temporary, fleeting moment in time I will get that experience (that I actually define/accept and thus create within myself) of someone or something giving to me this experience of being secure, yet of course, because it's not existing as who I am, as a foundation of myself and what I live - it never lasts and that's no surprise, because it was never real. Being secure within self, being confident, being self-assured, can only exist within SELF. The moment I beLIEve I will find it in something outside of myself is the moment I separate myself from it and in that, living a delusion because I am thinking that's where I will find it - separate from me here.

So I see/realize/understand that this self-created experience within me, of being 'insecure', of thinking I'm not good enough or I am not safe in my relationships or am constantly having this point of anxiety existing within me as if to say 'at any moment your whole world could crumble because of you' - is my responsibility to sort out. And my responsibility to stop putting onto others as if 'they' must do this for me.

This point is specifically being revealed in my relationship, where so much of self is faced, yet I've been busy trying to get 'them' to provide me with this - pushing 'them' in not giving it to me - questioning 'them' as if they are not doing it right or giving me what I expect. And so I create an unstable self in relation to others and so an unstable relationship as an outflow of myself. Never allowing myself to realize - IT'S ME. Although I've 'known' this, applying this knowledge is another story. It's so much easier to blame others because then we abdicate ourselves from any responsibility, we wipe our hands clean of our experience and say someone else much make some changes. I realize I cannot wait for anyone to change or to give me a sense of security - because in that, it's not actually me giving it to me and so, it's not real. I would rather live security as who I am and I realize that takes a process - a process of getting to know myself, investigating who I am and my life and what I've accepted and allowed in every moment to be able to stand in self trust and sure that I am confident in who I am, what I express, what I stand for and as - because I'm giving myself the opportunity to get to know ME and align myself to become living words that are best for all and I do this through a process of for-giveness.

I will continue this process of redefining myself as the word insecure in blogs to come. 







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21 January 2014

303: What is Possible in One Day?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as either ‘good or bad’ as ‘positive or negative’ within my days according to what I do or don’t do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define doing things during the day within a positive polarity charge and to within this, define myself as good and get a positive feeling within this and yet define not doing things during my day within a negative polarity charge and thus when I live out this definition, experience negative emotions about myself and define myself according to this and so exist within a polarity relationship towards myself and my actions during a day

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am being good and a good person when I am productive in my day and thus feel good about myself and define myself as bad and being a bad person when I am not productive in my day and thus allow myself to be a slave to these definitions and exist within this play out of highs and lows as positive and negative experiences as self definitions within my days, instead of living without the definitions as positive or negative and thus constant and stable here, breathing in each moment and thus each day – doing what is necessary to be done instead of doing things out of a feeling or emotional experience that only produce more of the same as feeling and emotional experiences

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to fill everything that I would like to get done in one day instead of seeing what is practically possible and what is not and so instead create a weekly schedule for myself to ensure I am getting to all the points/responsibilities I would like to yet taking into consideration what is physically, practically possible and so not moving from within a starting point of desire to get it all done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a feeling of being let down at the end of a productive day due to this idea that I wanted to do more than what was practically possible and so although I was able to move myself through each point within the time available and was effective and efficient and dedicated to get things done, still having things left that I did not have time to get to – feel disappointed and so here, revealing the idea being valued more than the physical living and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value the projection in my mind of doing so much in a day yet not be able to practically do it and so experience a let down experience instead of seeing what I did do and appreciating and embracing that and unconditionally letting go of the day to be able to wake up the next day without holding onto desires still or feeling that I did not do everything I wanted to and so be able to walk the new day giving attention to the points still required for me to sort out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure for not getting to everything I projected within my mind that I wanted to do today in not seeing and realizing that the mind does no take into consideration practical physical reality and so although I was effective in doing the things needed to be done today, allow myself to judge myself for not doing what I saw within my mind I wanted to do

I forgive myself that I Have not accepted and allowed myself to value the physical living reality, things I am able to do in reality and instead value the mental reality as if that is real and worthy of value

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not create a weekly schedule wherein I can create a weekly schedule for myself for certain things I want to do, that I’ve attempted to do daily which is just not practical or physically possible with everything I am currently responsible for and so here, assessing what is priority daily and what is priority weekly and to plan my time accordingly and thus utilizing space and time to move myself physically in getting things done and thus allowing myself to then be satisfied as I am actually, physically moving instead of existing in the mind and attempting to make real the image of myself of doing more than what is actually possible in a day

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not consider changing my sleeping habits as to create a pattern within when/how I sleep that can support for more hours in my day – realizing here I will have to change the relationship I have towards sleeping which is actually my relationship towards living, as the reason one would want to sleep more is to hide out from real life and so I forgive myself that I Have not accepted and allowed myself to consider changing my relationship towards life and living to where I don’t create an experience of wanting to sleep as much and thus have more time in a day to do what is necessary to be done

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that one needs to sleep more than 6 hours within a night to be able to be effective and awake during the day, instead of realizing moments in the past wherein I was effective and able to move myself within stability on less than 8 hours of sleep a day and so here, challenging the belief within society that one require lots of sleep instead of realizing how much one can actually do within a decision and commitment to self and who self is and what self will can ACTually do in this life - I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the ability I have to be self aware, and self directive the moment my eyes open

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not find all possible solutions with regards to getting things done and participating in that which I see is necessary to be done and instead settle on the problem and not move myself within/as the solution

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto moments of not being effective within my days as giving into extra sleep or resting or basically not willing myself through self movement to take actions in my days and so fear recreating this point, instead of removing these past moments as points that influence me within my present moment and instead establish myself within new ways of being and living that I decide, within awareness, that are best for all and thus best for me

I forgive myself that I Have never accepted and allowed myself to question the ways of life and living within this world as how people have come to exist such as sleeping more than 8 hours a day and accept this belief that that is required instead of testing out new ways of existing, pushing self, challenging the ideas and beliefs that keep us within the same nature that has, till this moment, created a world that reflects no self will, motivation, consideration of physical reality and solutions to the problems we have and thus humans that are willing to realize what it will take as this one life we have to change our ways as to prepare a life that is best for all

When and as I see myself defining myself and thus my day as either positive or negative according to what I do or who I see I am accepting and allowing within/as my day as to what I get done or not, I stop and I breathe and realize defining one or the other as good or bad and thus positive or negative is useless and unneccessary and only traps me in the highs and lows of life that I have come to accept and allow without question and so I see/realize/understand what it takes to walk through each day and thus each week within principles that support me to be the most effective as self will and self movement to do that which is necessary to be done and so here I commit myself to make decisions in each moment that are best for all as best for me in pushing for self honesty, to not give into feelings or emotions as the director of me and my life and instead direct myself within common sense, practical reality and thus walk moment to moment, embracing what is here, what is possible and what is necessary to be done

When and as I see myself wanting to sleep more than I see is necessary, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself out of the energetic experience of 'being tired' or even simply stop the thoughts of taking a nap or sleeping in longer - instead I breathe through this to a point of stability and direct myself unto the next point that requires my attention as I see/realize/understand that if I am  no longer allowing myself to move within/as energy as thoughts and as emotions and feelings within my day, I will be satisfied as I am no longer giving into the Mind to direct me to repeat patterns and habits I see no longer serve me to be the best I can be in my days, instead I walk with physical reality and what is physically here for me to do and thus allow myself to get things done

When and as I see myself wanting to do more than what is physically and practically possible in a day, I stop and I breathe and bring myself out of this expectation I've created as the image in my mind of what I would like to do and instead assess what is practically possible within a day and thus I commit myself to support myself with rearranging any priorities I have as the schedule I walk in staying directive within my responsibilities and so assess what is daily priorities and what is weekly priorities and thus allowing myself to give to myself and live as myself solutions that I can stand by and as and thus satisfied in doing that which I see is necessary to be done and what I see I am fully capable of - pushing myself beyond any limits I set for myself, challenging and questioning my belief about what is possible in a day and in this one Life and thus move within the self motivation to live this life to the best of my ability which starts with simply walking through my days as effectively as possible as not giving into ideas or beliefs or emotions and feelings to tell me what to do, and instead decide for and as myself to do as that which is best for all




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16 January 2014

302: The Ways of Self-Sabotage

Here I am challenging the ideas I've come to accept in relation to 'how' I self investigate within my process as self writing and looking at points/relationships I have created towards all things in my life/living and expose to myself another form of resistance I've created towards writing and how that is in fact self-sabotaging.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within my process of self investigation as writing in thinking and believing that “I don’t know how to sort out this point” in relation to experiences/reactions to people and situations in my life instead of seeing/realize/understanding that this is where I then stop and do not go into writing about it but simply accept the idea that I don’t know or can’t figure it out or that it is not clear when clearly this is simply me fucking with me as my mind to ensure I do not find out what is going on and thus apply solutions as self forgiveness and self correction as the actual process of self change and transformation and so here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to trust the thoughts and ideas and back chats within my mind that suggest who I am and where I am within my process or what is possible within my process as getting to know myself instead of seeing physically who I am as not writing out the points which is a physical action I am not yet applying unconditionally because I have instead settled on the idea that it’s not clear and I cannot figure it out

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to prolong the process of self transformation as the various forms of resistances I have created that I allow to keep me within my comfort zone and the limited perspective of me where I will stop at the idea that It’s not clear and think in time it will clear itself up and I will figure it out eventually instead of seeing/realize/understanding that here, within such an application, I am not standing within the self directive principle of me and instead still giving into the ‘me as the mind’ which is ego as self interest and exists to serve and protect myself based on ideas and definitions of me and thus not pushing through and establishing who I am here as this physical process and what it will take to break through the chains I've created within and as me and so I forgive myself that I Have not accepted and allowed myself to question the ideas I settle on that do not lead to physical action and instead look at who I am within what I do as physical actions daily as that which defines and reveals so clearly who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create different forms of resistances to writing as a way to not have to change, to see the problem and thus the solutions that I can practically, physically live that will in fact produce a better version of me from the perspective of no longer allowing my mind as ego to direct me but instead direct me here, as the living breath, through becoming the living word as self will to will myself to find out what is here as me and the relationships I have towards all things in/as me and in/as this life to align myself to that which is best for all as equality and oneness, wherein I clear myself in relation to ALL things to stand within equality and oneness and thus no longer sitting stagnant in reactions and resistances and ideas about myself and others and all things in/as this life that do not allow me to move and express and change who I am as this physical process of self transformation which include writing, self forgiveness, self commitment statements and the living change as the corrective application of how I live, what I do, physically and who I am within that

When and as I see myself attempting to sabotage myself within my process as settling on ideas about me that I cannot figure out what’s going on within me, who I am in relation to myself, to others and to all things in/as this life, as a reason for not walking the physical action of writing it out, investigating who I am, asking questions, laying out the clear picture of what I accept and allow in relation to specific relationships/situations/circumstances, basically me and my life, I stop and I breathe and do not accept this of myself as I see/realize/understand this is another form of a resistance to going deeper within myself to see the truth of me and who I am in/as this life and so I commit myself to stop sabotaging myself within resistances to my process of self change and instead push for physical actions that are supportive in getting to know ‘what is here’ as me through writing it out as specifically here the application I've found to be most supportive, writing it out like I would write it to a friend/buddy/another – where I place the points in how I experience it and thus see/realize/understand that I've always been clear in what I see/how I am experiencing myself in relation to certain points yet have allowed myself to be stuck on the idea of ‘its’ not clear’ – the one back chat that I've allowed to direct me away from actually writing it out and so I commit myself to stop bullshitting myself and push to physically write it out and thus go through the process of self forgiveness and self commitment and corrective application as the only way to break through my own limitations and become more than what I've accepted and allowed of myself which is as the directive principle of me in every moment

And so I commit myself to no longer trusting the mind as me as ego as self interest that only serves to protect itself and it’s own survival and instead move myself into writing, to trust myself as the physical breath and the physical movements of my fingers/hands that place the words that are me here to see/realize/understand who I am and thus what I am currently facing at the points arise within my day to day life and living and so walk the points as they come up to bring through clarity and thus stability and so commit here to the responsibility I have to no longer accept a resistance to writing and instead embrace the writing as me and as this process we walk to establish within ourselves and within this life, beings with integrity, self honesty, self direction and self will to no longer accept and allow anything less than what is best for ourselves as what is best for all and that is to no longer accept the ‘me as the mind’ and instead push to see beyond our own limitations and the space within our heads that we have come to believe who we are yet is proven always to be in separation as not considering/taking care of real physical life, living and solutions to change both the inner and outer of our reality here


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13 January 2014

301: Why do we Become Addicted To...

Tonight's blog is a point I wanted to clear up in relation to the Desteni I Process Google Hangout I participated in last Thursday, where me and some other destonians discussed 'Stopping a Weed Addiction' and the various points within that.

Obviously one could go on about this addiction and it's behaviors and consequences for much longer than a half an hour, yet what was mentioned in the hangout is a cool support point for anyone looking for solutions in stopping their addiction to weed or to anything for that matter because the reality is that weed is not necessarily addictive, it's the nature of the relationship one created to/towards a particular point that one 'uses'. So in this case of the Google Hangout, and in my case, I did create an addictive relationship/dependency towards weed. So check it out if you find yourself in a similar situation and ready to take back your life and give new direction to where you are heading.

The point specifically here I wanted to mention in this blog, as to clear it up from the Google Hangout discussion, was when the question was asked, "Why does one become addicted to weed?" Now you can again, replace the word 'weed' in that question with any other word as the point one use to feed such an addictive relationship.

In the vlog, in relation to this particular question, I mentioned it was a social aspect that was the addiction - yet that is not true. That was the starting point for entering the use of marijuana - it was readily available, it was popular among people my age, and frankly many in my culture of all ages, race and creed participated in the activity. I simply wanted to be a part of the group and so when I was 16, I tried it. That was the beginning of a long love affair that turned out to be no so supportive, which is usually the case when one is blinded by positive feelings of love; all common sense, rational and critical assessment of reality goes out the window and the need for the weed (in my case, insert your point of addiction there) becomes the only thing that matters; the rest of the world falls into the background and the forefront of one's attention it toward attaining that feeling the use produce.

So why did I become addicted to weed? When I was asked this question in the vlog, I obviously did not hear clearly what was being asked, because as previously mentioned, I brought up the social aspect - yet that is not what I was addicted to. The addiction/use/dependency of weed in my life in fact isolated me or shall I say, I isolated myself within my use and become less social because of it - because I wanted to stay home, 'relaxing' and get high. So what was it about the use of weed that was so addictive? Why did I give up so much of myself just to smoke? When I look at this question again, the point that comes up is actually interesting because I had not really seen it before yet it is similar to my experience and I'm sure many's experience, in relation to alcohol. I lost my inhibitions, I felt 'free', I felt like I could let go and relax and not worry about anything. Instead I was too distracted by my mental and physical experience the high produce to really take notice/face the actual, more constant experience of myself, which was anxious, nervous and overall insecure.

Weed for me was like this point of 'invincibility' where I no longer felt so insecure, I felt safe. I felt like nothing mattered anymore, the problems I thought I had or the struggles I experienced internally. I could just get high, and forget about the normal, non-high me and to me that was what was so appealing - this feeling of letting go.

Obviously it's not a real feeling - it was dependent on a substance and thus not constant and so not real. Yet I was willing to go on the everlasting quest to find it. There was also this experience of feeling like I saw more clearly when smoking weed - like I could see more into the subconscious and unconscious points within me and within others and so when I would be out, it was quite entertaining for me to watch and observe other people interact, because I actually thought I was seeing the reality of people more than they saw of themselves, like I was seeing into them parts they were not aware of. So it also fed this idea about myself that I had some kind of inner-vision that others did not have and I preferred watching through my high, glazed-over eyes what was going on around me then stop and question whether I could actually live without this substance and the experiences it produced that I had to constantly re-establish through another hit.

It's also the desire to get that one high we had that one time again and yet we can never recreate it. We might get close, but instead we are trapped in the constant search for this past experience that made us feel so much better within it than who we are without it. This puts into question who we are in the first place. Why do we want to get high and hide from how we really feel, day in and day out? Why run and hide and not face and find solutions?

This is why I became addicted to weed - I didn't know where to go, what to do, what direction to take and overall I was discouraged with who I was and so I wanted a way out, a way to forget, a way to get that temporary relief from 'who I was' without realizing I could actually stop and change the 'who I was' to be who I really am and how I actually want to express and no longer be held down by these ideas of myself that I don't know what to do or I'm not good enough or I need this or that to make myself feel better about myself. I can remove all of those self ideas and definitions without masking it with a temporary high.

And with the support of the Desteni Principles and the Group, I have been able to stop masking the me I wanted to hide out from within a marijuana high. It's been over 3 years and I'm grateful that point no longer exists within me or my life, because I will tell you - there was a time when I thought I was so addictive, I would never be able to stop. If I can, anyone can and it starts with a simple decision. It can be stopped with consequences yet obviously that is not the route to take - take a self honest look at you, your life and how you are living and ask yourself - is this the best version of me? Am I running or hiding from something? Is there more to Life? Don't settle for the lesser version of you when there are countless of people who are living examples that change is possible, practical and what is necessary in this world.

Check out Desteni and the DIP Lite course that is free and an introduction course that assists and supports anyone wanting, willing and seeing changes are required in their life. Addiction, over-consumption, acceptance of limitations, hiding out, running away... does not have to be a part of human nature - we can actually stop and let that go, FOR REAL, without any mind-altering substance or external point that stimulates such experiences where we accept that to be better than the reality we are all equally creating and sharing together. Start with yourself - clear the fog, make a decision about who you are and what you participate with and dare to walk a Journey of a lifetime.



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