03 August 2014

357: The "Want" that Hinders our Awareness

Continuing here on from the previous blog, "Self-Correction as Transcendence and why we don't Apply it," there is one point I would like to mention before moving into the self forgiveness. 

I wrote in the previous blog that self correction happens AFTER one goes through their writing and self forgiveness process, and then you take that into living the change as no longer accepting and allowing a certain pattern, reaction, behavior, response to exist as physically no more participating in it and thus living it out. Yet here I would like to mention that it is not always necessary to 'have to' do the writing and self forgiveness first. One can actually take a moment when one can see one is in a reaction or about to participate in the same old pattern one has lived out time and time again, and in that moment, stop, breathe and correct themselves in that moment as no longer participating. It is not that we 'have to' do the writing and self forgiveness first - if one is in the moment and see how one can correct themselves, then by all means - that is the point, to in that moment, quantify one's process by making the physical, living changes. This of course requires self honesty but I mean that would be the goal for us all in process, to not have to wait to act in the moment as changing and instead go through the writing and self forgiveness, but to instead make a decision/choice in that moment to change who self is. Obviously, if one find that it's quite difficult to just change in that moment, then the writing and self forgiveness is here for us to prepare ourselves for the 'road ahead' shall we say, where we are preparing ourselves for that moment when/as we face that moment of change/correction again. 

So that is one point I wanted to mention. 

Now - on to self forgiveness for the experience as a 'want' I see will come up when I am in/as a reaction. This is a 'want' to let it continue, to sit in the experience of the reaction and to in no way, shape or form let go of what it is I am experiencing. I see this mostly when I am in a reaction of negativity, and usually in relation to another person, where there was some kind of disagreement, or argument that happened and I will react negatively towards this other person as blaming them, point the finger at what 'they' were doing wrong, and how they are solely responsible for the fuck up as the reason we were in a conflict in the first place. 

The 'want' is basically a justification for me to not have to take responsibility. So often when I find myself reacting to another, I want so much to be 'right' and for them to be wrong, that I will back chat my way into convincing myself that this is so. When in reality, all I am doing is participating in more energy and my apparent superior position, and so only validating the ego of me that suggests I am right, they are wrong, and they need to be the ones to change/correct who they are or what they have done and thus I am free and clear to remain the same as apparently I've nothing to be responsible for. 

And so when I've seen myself within such a reaction towards another, I will see - okay, here is an opportunity to stop myself and breathe and not participate any further with this emotional energy/experience - to in that moment, stop ALL the thoughts, ALL the back chats, to breathe and ground myself in my physical body and so in this physical reality. Yet, when I have seen this window of opportunity which is the actual correction application of no longer accepting and allowing it to be existent within/as me - I see this want pop up, like this desire to keep it going, to keep myself within this reaction, to not let it go and to basically use it to my advantage in terms of keeping myself in the righteous position that I believe I am in. And so from this want, I will allow it to continue, and I will not make the changes as the correction necessary in that moment. I will instead use it to define myself as right, the other as wrong, and simply let it be that. Another act of separation and without any self-responsibility. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a 'want' when emotionally reacting to another wherein I 'want' to stay in the emotional reaction and not stop myself as somehow I think and believe that my experience towards another is right and so will decide to instead accept it as me instead of changing me in that moment as stopping and taking self-responsibility for my participation in any conflict and thus the reaction that followed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself in a moment of reaction as seeing I have an opportunity to do so - there is that awareness as me as self honesty that comes up and says - hey, see here, I can stop now and no longer participate in this emotional reaction - and yet instead I will suppress this awareness of me, as who I really am, and instead give into the want as the mind to continue existing in conflict in relation to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to nurture the mind as back chat and blame towards another after a disagreement or conflict, and suppress the awareness that comes through that sees I can stop this in that moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold onto an emotional reaction towards another as blame and judgments as them being wrong after a conflict, within thinking and believing that somehow I am right within it - wherein the want is justifying the reaction and I trust the want to be showing me the reality of my reaction, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding the various ways in which I deceive myself to not have to take self responsibility and thus change me, and instead want others to have to change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hinder myself within my self correction process as actually transcending the mind as the nature I've come to accept and allow of me, when and as I hold onto the want that comes up in not stopping myself the moment I see I am in an emotional reaction, and 'fall' back into the mind, into the energy experience and the apparent power I believe I have in back chatting about others and how they are wrong and I am right

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I think I am right and others are wrong, I am simply saying "I don't have to change or take responsibility for me' and so see this as a cool point of support for myself in referencing when I am holding onto a reaction instead of seeing my responsibility within myself and in relation to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather 'want' to stay in a reaction, then to physically change myself in a moment of reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a want, as another energetic experience, to direct me in the moment when/as I see I am able to stop the initial energetic experience as reaction

This is interesting, because it's almost as if I initially have the negative reaction to another from a disagreement or conflict, and from there, create the positive experience/reaction for myself through this 'want' - wherein it's like 'fuck, I am uncomfortable and this person made me uncomfortable because of what THEY said or did - so here, let me create a positive feeling now for myself as the 'want' to not stop the reaction and ahhh yes, that is so nice, I am right, they are wrong, hahaha.'

Really though, that is interesting because it's like I am taking myself through the roller coaster of the mind and thus there is no stability and I see here it has nothing to do with another person. Man - the addiction to energy is extensive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the positive feeling/experience as the 'want' to hold onto an emotional reaction in relation to others and to within this, not see how I am circling within myself in polarity and not at all HERE, grounded, breathing and in my body and instead playing games with myself in my own mind 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to quantify my process of change as stopping myself when and as I see myself reacting in emotion (negative) or feeling (positive) energy, as the awareness is here and so it's my responsibility to honor myself as that self honest awareness of the opportunities I have to no longer give in to the mind and give up on myself in seeing, realizing and understanding that the want is like a form of a resistance to the actual moment of change, and instead of embracing it and walking into/as that moment of change, reverting back to the same old me that exists in separation of all life, where I create wars and justify my wars towards others in the small, limited space in my head - instead of walking myself into/as life, as physical breathing here and being in this physical reality, which is the commitment I had made to myself when I said I would walk this process

And so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live my commitment to myself and all life equally, when I embarked on this journey to life and this process of transformation wherein I saw the common sense of self change and how that effects all life equally and so here, realizing again the responsibility I have to myself, and others, to change myself in these moments when my awareness comes through to STOP in the moment of any reaction, to no longer accept myself as simply an energy addict, and instead birth myself as life in the physical

The commitment statements to follow...

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