14 May 2014

337: Wait for it... Wait for it... Where is it?

Pardon my absence from the online blogging - for those that read my blog and do not know, I was busy finishing up with my last semester at my current college. I decided, with the course-load that I had, to give my full attention to my studies and so the time I had available I have been giving to strictly work and school.
I have just finished my last final and in the last week, as I've been slowly finishing up everything for each class, I have been in an anticipation mode of this great release from anxiety - like waiting for this weight to come off my shoulders and to be able to breathe a big sigh of relief.

It didn't come and hasn't come. And while I am now actually finished, completely - I still experience myself the same. The cool point within this is to see and realize that the school work is not the 'cause' of my stressed experience, of feeling like there was so much to do with so little time - and that for me to expect this relief feeling to come after the semester, reveals how I was not in fact taking responsibility for myself within my actual experience, but that I was in abdicating my responsibility and in essence, the power of myself to relax, take a breath, and walk steady and stable through all the school work. In the end, I was wanting the end of the semester to cause this relief within myself.

It is cool because now I can see that and take responsibility. I can see that I in fact was stressing myself out, and I am in fact the one that can relax. I had created a reaction towards my courses and thus created the negative experience for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within points of anticipation and expectation of the end of the semester and thus the end of my studies to bring an experience of relief and release from the stress I was accepting and allowing within myself from and through how I accepted and allowed myself to experience myself in relation to my school work - which was stress.

So here, the polarity play out - school work/this semester being defined as 'tough' and 'too much' and 'heavy' and thus overall a negative experience. And so what do I do - look for the positive. The 'end', the relief, the heaviness to be lifted. Obviously that cannot happen when it's being created through and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an unpleasant, negative experience within myself in relation to this semester/to my school work and to within this, desire the positive experience of being released from the heaviness I accepted as the negative experience towards my studies and so waiting and anticipating for that moment to come as the end of the semester

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that within anticipating or expecting a positive feeling as a weight being lifted off my shoulders and being able to sigh with relief, that I was in fact creating that from a starting point of reacting negatively to my semester/school work and to within this, not question my experience, simply accept it as 'how it is' and just wait and hope and look forward to that moment when it would all be over

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the experience of myself and thus not exist within hope or waiting or anticipation or expectation of some better feeling to come over me by something outside of me happening, such as the semester ending, but to instead, investigate myself within who I am in relation to ALL things within myself and within my reality - and thus be able to direct myself more effectively as not waiting and hoping for things to change me and how I experience myself, but to instead be the change as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to not having a change in my experience since the ending of my semester, within expecting it to cause a relief for myself without seeing and realizing that I create who I am and thus how I experience myself and even how I express myself as my experience, in every moment and so it's not 'up to' something outside of me to move me or to change how I experience myself - this reveals an acceptance of powerlessness, or enslavement even wherein I am wanting something or someone to soothe my experience, thinking and believing I cannot do that myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think 'now I have to figure out what this experience is' as like a resistance to self investigation, which I see is a point that I have often had a resistance to, digging in deep within myself to see what is actually here and the actual source of why I feel the way that I do - which at the moment is still this slight vibration of anxiety and heaviness as if there is something else I must do, that i need to keep moving and get something done - when in reality, I am able to stop, breathe - let go of the semester I have just completed and thus give to myself a moment as being relief

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize the compromise I was accepting of myself when having a negative reaction to my school work/semester and the positive reaction of wanting a big relief when it was over as not being clear about who I am within my studies/school work and thus able to more effectively direct myself within that which I was doing, wherein I am not allowing a point of being forced or dragged through it all, creating like a force against it and instead moving myself as my school work/semester, being able to learn about the material, and myself without some emotional influence fogging my overall experience

When and as I see myself reacting negatively towards things I do within my life, I stop and I breathe and bring myself out of the reaction and instead investigate why I am reacting, forgive the reaction and thus give myself direction in terms of how to approach that which I am doing which will assist and support me to get the most out of that which I am doing/applying/learning and so no longer compromising myself through the influence of a reaction I in fact accept and allow within myself and so here, I commit myself to no longer simply accepting any negative reaction towards that which I do in my life and instead clear myself from such a reaction to be able to see and direct myself within clarity

When and as I see myself within a point of expectation or anticipation of some relief or experience of letting go - I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to me, here, as my body, as my breathing and within the realization that I am here and thus I am able to relax and become stable within myself without needing or requiring something to happen outside of me to create that for me as I see, realize and understand that i am in fact responsible for how i experience myself, whether it's a positive experience or a negative experience or a neutral experience, I am always making a decision within myself about 'who I am' in relation to all things within/as this existence and so it is my responsibility to ensure I am clear and stable in relation to 'what is here' to be able to effectively support myself to be directive in that which I do and live and express and thus here I commit myself to take responsibility for myself in all moments, for how I experience myself, the thoughts that I Have, the words that I speak, the action I live out - to always push myself to become self-aware of what I am accepting and allowing and to ensure that I can stand by me/who I am in every moment within self honesty and self responsibility

I commit myself to no longer accept myself within a powerless position wherein I think and believe something outside of me is the one to change  how I experience myself - I commit myself to be the one that changes me

I commit myself to no longer exist within hope and wait for something to happen that will give to me a feeling of relief in relation to what I've done and created within myself in terms of how I experience myself within all that I do

I commit myself to investigate myself in relation to all that is here to clear out any influence of negative emotions or positive feelings that is so limited in the context of life and living and allows one to get lost in the energies instead of being here, breathing, moving, directing and thus learning about myself and my world

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