01 February 2014

Day 310: Implications of "Acting Out"

A point here I would like to flag for myself - a pattern I see I'm continuing to accept and allow that is now creating more consequences for me. Acting out my anger and frustrations and irritations and projecting them unto others.

What is interesting about this point is that in this 'acting out' of frustration and anger and irritation and specifically expressing it outwardly towards others, we are in a way saying, "this is not my problem - these reactions I am having - this is now your problem - here, deal with my shit." And so the problem within this is that I am not 'dealing with my shit' and then spew it unto others to deal with. I am not directly saying this, yet that is an aspect of this pattern I am now seeing, that I've been facing in the last couple months - what I am actually doing in not directing myself out of these reactions with others is saying, "I have not dealt with the REAL issues within myself, here - you deal with it/me."

And so red flag here as I see this is absolutely unacceptable the way I am acting. It's almost like a blame as well, saying, "I am walking into this moment with you guys, and bringing with me these possessions that is my anger and frustration and now I'm going to use you to be the bouncing board for it and act as if YOU are doing something wrong and creating this anger I am expressing towards you." Man - what a fucked up thing to do.

And so today, I leave the place of my family, knowing fully I've just accepted and allowed myself to 'act out' once again and not stop and direct myself to stabilize and STOP my bullshit, and so the guilt, regret and shame surface. I mean these feelings of remorse are useless because I am fully capable of stopping what I'm doing, which from my perspective is quite abusive. And the reason I am so remorseful is because I am not LIVING the WORDS I speak, which is 'be the change.' Instead I am acting out of energy and reaction and blaming and projecting myself unto others and not coming even close to the awareness that life is equal and I am not more or less than anyone else and what I am essentially doing to others as projecting my issues unto them is attempting to somehow abdicate myself from the responsibility I have to 'do unto others what I would have done unto me' and 'give as you would receive' - living the principle of Equality and Oneness.

This is absolutely unacceptable and just goes to show where I am within my process - which clearly shows I am nowhere where I claim to be because I am not yet bringing through the knowledge and information and the CORRECTIVE APPLICATION of stopping in a moment, breathing and no more accepting and allowing myself to exist as an automatic robot that stands in separation of self responsibility which exists within self awareness which comes back to breath.

So this is a point I would like to correct, to no longer accept and allow myself to abuse others as projecting myself unto them and blaming them and expecting them to 'take my shit' because I have not yet taken my shit in terms of FACING my shit - dealing with what is here, with my reactions and angers and frustrations - sorting out the internal friction that I see cause consequences that I no longer desire to live out. Because there is no reason to - there is no reason for life to be in conflict. Thus I must become responsible and apply which means to LIVE the tools I have to stop and change me.

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