06 February 2014

311: Is there Power within our Appearance?

Okay - so an interesting point here that's emerged and connects to the last few posts. My previous post was in relation to this 'acting out' I see I was and have been accepting and allowing, specifically here in relation to my parents. Now the reason this is interesting is because what I see I was reacting to within myself and then projecting onto them, this anger and frustration, was specifically in relation to the previous points I had been walking in terms of defining security as something outside of myself - specifically my 'looks' and also within relationship. The 'looks' point is what I was going into as defining myself according to my looks, becoming dissatisfied, or should I say, reacting negatively to 'how I looked' and within this, becoming frustrated, angry, annoyed and lashing out on my parents.

Partly because I see there exists still blame within me towards them for conditioning me to care so much about how I look. I realize this is absolutely my responsibility, totally and completely, yet there is still this aspect existing within me that says, "You did this to me, you told me to care about how I look, you care more about how I look then me." And so yes, definitely still blame and so what happened was when I saw myself reacting negatively towards my appearance, firstly I reacted towards my reaction, that I was still valuing and caring about how I look and then because they were in my physical environment, I immediately went into the point of "it's YOUR fault." And so within this, victimizing myself to my conditioning and programming, to my environment growing up - self pity even as if I have no control over how I was raised and where the values were placed within myself and within my life, when I in fact accepted and allowed all of it. I never questioned it, I participated within it and still am as clearly the fact that I am reacting toward 'them' for caring how I look implies I am still caring how I look. I realize this has nothing to do with my parents, as they are a product of their environment and family and so this world, and so like everyone else, we are all responsible for ourselves in all ways, always - I mean that point must be clear if self change is to ever be real

So I see this is an inherent design within me that will take time to sort out, because the layers accumulated and solidified within me over the years of constantly and continuously defining myself according to my appearance and thus participating in the whole construct of the beauty system that exists within this world - which actually starts with me - it exists within me and thus this world shows ME who I am as what I've accepted and allowed within ME.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I look and thus whether this definition is positive or negative, act accordingly and so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react negatively to how I look, define myself according to this reaction and then feel shitty within myself in thinking who I am is reflected in how I look yet not seeing, realizing or understanding that 'how I look' is still being seen through the eyes of my own filter as the polarity of consciousness that judges something as either good or bad, positive or negative and so I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to define the way that I look within a polarity as being either positive or negative and so then within this, allow myself to experience myself as that judgment

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I look, judge it as negative, to then accept and allow myself to go into the energy experience of negativity wherein I become irritated and annoyed and frustrated in not existing within the positive definition of feeling good about how I look

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself according to a positive or negative definition and thus experience I give to myself through my appearance

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to use my appearance as a determinant for who I am and thus how i experience myself

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to constantly judge myself as either good enough or not according to the way that I look, thinking it's me caring about me and my looks, when really it's me caring how others will see me and if I think others will judge me as not attractive or gasp, dare I even say it - ugly, and so if I think and believe that i am not living up to the standards I have placed in the power of others in how they see me, become irritated and frustrated as an actual experience of fear - fearing that I do not look good enough, because I've defined myself according to my look, fear others will see this as well and thus trap myself into a never ending cycle within something that has no real value within this world whatsoever

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to react to myself when/as I see myself still participating as accepting and allowing myself to react to how I look

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for giving so much value on how I look to the point where it's an automatic point that I believe is greater than me and will take much time to sort out instead of realizing that each moment I see myself participating or accepting and allowing myself to go into this 'valuing the way that I look' character, I am able to stop and time after time after stopping and stopping and no longer accepting and allowing it of myself, I will begin to trust myself again enough to take control of who I am in the moment in no longer allowing ideas and images to direct me within who I am and thus how i experience myself and so I forgive myself that i Have not accepted and allowed myself to yet be patient and gentle with myself in relation to this point of aligning who I am to be that which is of physical substance and not the physical image

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents as abdicating my responsibility to ME and my life, for how/who I am in relation to my looks - thinking and believing it's their fault I am the way that I am instead of taking responsibility for myself in not questioning everything of me throughout my life

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a victim to conditioning and programming and to within this - feel as if I am a victim to my parents and so within this blame them for why I am the way that I am in relation to my looks instead of realizing they are the way they are because of their parents/environment and the point repeats and so we have the sins of our fathers yet here i see and realize that I am not a victim, I am responsible for my life and who I am and how I turned out and thus have the ability and power to question me, who I am, what i do, how I exist and to thus change me into no longer accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from me that matters, the physical substance that is of this physical reality instead of valuing an image of me that does not actually exist or reflect who I am as a being

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to abdicate the responsibility to who I am within how I define myself according to my looks through blaming my family, my society, my culture - in a way attempting to 'save' the ego of me that values the image of me when I feel good about it and thus here seeing/realizing/understanding that through blaming, I am deliberately not wanting to change me as an attempt to hold onto some kind of power I perceive I have within this world in relation to my looks

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the definitions I have given to myself in relation to my looks

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not yet see, realize and understand that the image I'm attempting to hold onto as a sense of perceived power, is not an image i Have given to myself, it has been accepted by me through what I've seen within my world that has come to define life as a picture and not actual life substance and so here seeing I'm wanting to hold onto the program, onto the conditioning in fear of not having that point to define myself according to - fear of who I will be without it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the value I've placed on the way that I look

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being defined as ugly/unattractive within this world and so go to extremes in order to 'feel okay' within how that I look, in fear of judgments from others and thus not being accepted or fitting in - or in fear of losing my 'power'

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there is real power within the appearance of myself

I forgive myself that i Have not yet realized that the power I am trying to possess through defining myself according to my looks - is a point of separation as competition in wanting to be better than others, to be the best looking girl and so get all the attention and to within this, feel safe that others will like and accept me and I will be okay within this

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to so utterly accept the twisted views of this world that value the look of someone more than who they are as a being and so allow myself to live this out throughout my life wherein I valued more how i looked than who I was and so created an insecure girl who fears not being perfect in the eyes of the system that is brutal and abusive to life

I forgive myself that i Have not yet allowed myself to realize what it means to redefine who I am within how I look - to use my physical appearance as an expression of who I am, yet not defined as who I am - not as something that enslaves me within thinking I must look a certain way to be okay and feel okay about myself - I realize that I do not require that, I require food, water, shelter, education, satisfaction in my overall experience of life and that does not depend on the way that I look - it is the same for all life, the requirements for a 'good life' that is actually currently dependent upon money and so here I see/realize/understand that a good life is not defined by a good feeling that is defined through how I look - that is an illusion I commit myself to shattering in this life

When and as I see myself defining myself within a negative reaction according to how I look and thus allow my experience to change within who I am here, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to me here, as life, as my physical body, as the REAL me that is of/as this physical substance and breathe through the reaction until I am stable and within the realization that I am NOT my looks and thus I do not accept myself to be influenced by the image of me within my mind I've attempted to project onto my physical body - instead I commit myself to allow myself to be here, in/as my body, as who I really am and let go of the self definitions of limitation I've placed within how I look - I commit myself to apply self forgiveness for the points that come up in relation to any negative reactions I have about how I look and give myself corrections to live, as I remove the layers as walking through this point of letting go of the 'look' of me

When and as I see myself reacting positively to how I look and to within this, feel good about myself, I stop and I breathe and breathe until I stop the positive energy as I see/realize/understand that to define myself and allow myself to participate in the 'positive' side of this point in defining myself according to this look, I am simply sustaining the whole beauty system construct within me that exists within the polarity of positive and negative and so I do not allow myself to go into the positive side either as I realize it's also not who I am and only an attempt to gain some kind of perceived power within myself and within this world, clearly due to a feeling of powerlessness within myself and so here I am simply attempting to find the power within myself outside and separate from me as in my looks - and so I commit myself to, as I stop the negative reactions about how I look, to also stop the positive reactions about how I look and do not allow myself to participate in ANY thoughts or reactions within me in relation to how I look - instead i keep it simple and practical and work with what is here as my physical body, yet without the fear or desire to look a certain way to drive me - I commit myself to investigate the positive experiences in relation to my look through writing and self forgiveness and give myself self correction to live as how I will change me in relation to this point of no longer accepting myself to limit myself to be only a picture presentation

When and as I see myself blaming my parents or my family or culture or society for who I am in relation to my appearance, I stop and I breathe and do not accept this of myself as I see, realize and understand that I am completely and totally responsible for who I am here, as how I currently exist and so I realize that to blame is to abdicate the power I have to change, and that is a point of deliberate abdication of my ability to change and so I commit myself to stop myself from blaming and instead investigate what I am trying to protect or hold onto through not becoming self responsibility for what I accept and allow myself to participate within myself in relation to my looks - I commit myself to BE THE CHANGE I want to see in this world and thus realize that is not possible through pointing fingers or blaming anyone or thinking I am a victim of circumstance, I realize I must take full responsibility for my life and who I am in this moment and so I commit myself to do so, to be the change, to no longer think I am a victim and so I commit myself to walk the layers of this point in removing the illusion of the beauty system as I see it does not serve any purpose in life other than separation, competition and abuse and so I take the responsibility to no longer participate within this point as stopping it here within and as me



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