I see it almost as if I see/experience/feel as though I am inferior to another and so in attempting to polarize this point to be at the opposite position, or not diminished, I will go into this ‘repeating words’ point as to exert some kind of power or control… something… it really doesn't make much sense to me actually. Like I do not understand why I do that, and in the moment immediately after speaking the repeat words or statement or sentence of another, I will look at it/me and see what I just did and ask, why did I do that? What is that?
I mean from one perspective, it’s simply this point of speaking words without awareness – so here I am basically trying to uncover what Lies behind this point, I mean there is always something behind what we do and what we say – that is the process we walk – to remove the deceptive layers that masks who we really are, what we are hiding and where we currently are within ourselves. Usually it’s a point of protection – protecting our self interest or our perceived idea of comfort-ability, safety, security or survival even. Yet of course it’s unnecessary – I mean this type of thing is simply a learned behavior, a defense mechanism or something. Like I said, I am still investigating to see what is actually going on within me when I speak such statements – these repeat statements I hear from others.
Slowing down here and looking at some specific moments, Its like I want to repeat what I hear another said specifically to put the attention onto them, to be funny, to expose their words to be something perhaps they are not. It’s like a form of criticism, yet I do not see it as something that is deliberately harmful or aggressive or within blame or judgment… well actually, as I write here I see it does have an element of diminishing. It’s like I want (and this is not necessarily conscious) to make them feel diminished or belittled in some way. The only reason I can see I would want to do that, is because overall my experience in relation to them is a point of inferiority or feeling belittled and even though I might realize this is something I accept and allow and thus responsible for – this point of using their own words against them is like trying to exert my dominance or my stance as not being inferior or not accepting the experience of being diminished. The problem here is that within this I am basically blaming them for the experience within myself, when I see, realize and understand that it’s absolutely within and as me and thus what I am doing, accepting, and allowing within myself.
I cannot help but say this is a weird point that I did not quite understand. Yet it’s something I've noticed within myself the last couple days. It’s like this totally unnecessary way to speak/communication that has no real purpose, reason or meaning besides simply to exist as a character of the ego that is acting within self interest to present and thus protect the self definition I have given to myself as a limitation.
The automation of the human is startling - indeed the organic robot.
Will continue this in tomorrow’s blog yet a point I will work with till then is this point of slowing down and 'watching' myself in terms of seeing where/when this point comes up of wanting to repeat another's words within this specific experience written above and what is more specifically going on within me as the thoughts/feelings/emotions/imaginations/back chats/energies to have a better understanding of what the heck I'm doing within it all lol - till tomorrow
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