10 January 2014

299: Words without Awareness

**Here I am opening up/discovering points within me in relation to 'speaking words without awareness'. So some self forgiveness/writing to freedom - understanding more of the point through self forgiveness.

Something I have noticed the last few days is this point of speaking words and sentences that clearly are without awareness.

It's like I will say something that has no reason or purpose or function or intention or direction - it's like words are just coming out of my mouth because they can, yet there is no real awareness within them at all.

It's more like I am speaking to 'fill the gap' or to add noise or to become some kind of character or personality that is looking to be fulfilled with the words I speak - so depending on how I am defining myself in a particular moment, who I am around, the type of 'mood' I am in - I will say certain things, but it's like all ego talk. There is really no awareness or reason, as I've already written, to what is being spoken.

So this is definitely a red flag for myself to slow down and become aware as who I am as the words I speak and to speak deliberately and as directive principle.

We so often say words for the pure fact of saying words, yet majority of the time, our words are meaningless, unsubstantial and dead - there is nothing to the words we speak, the actual reverse of the Living Word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak words without awareness where I will say things simply to say things, yet without any awareness or direction to what I am actually saying - I more speak from the starting point of presenting some kind of character or personality or presentation of myself, which is obviously ego, and thus serves no real purpose in my life or life as a whole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be responsible for who I am as the words I speak as speaking words with awareness - where I am clear as to who I am as the words I speak and I am speaking deliberately and directive, not because "I can" or because the situation SUITS me to be in some character suit that speaks just to act in a certain way that does not benefit me or anyone else for that matter yet only fuels the lack of awareness as the consciousness characters I've created that act according to the type of scene - oh sorry, situation/environment I am in

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to speak words without the awareness of what I am actually saying - and thus speak words with the awareness of who I am as the principles of self honesty and what is best for all - speaking within a starting point of directness and a purpose and not speaking simply because I am trying to entertain or act out or be someone that others like or accept

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to speak little sayings that I have defined as interesting or funny or cute in hopes of portraying myself in a way others will like or accept

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must speak every time there is a moment of silence and to within this moment of silence, become nervous or anxious and thus want to fill the space as the silence with words

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace as breathing through the moments of anxiety and nervousness when I am faced with silence with/as others as walking through idea that I must speak when no one else is or I must have something to say for each movement I have/express physically - it's like I am speaking a script as explaining myself in each moment when really what is that - it's like I think I must explain myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel I must explain myself when I am moving in the same environment as others and there is a moment of silence and then become nervous and anxious and so within this - think and believe I must have a play by play script of why I am doing what I am doing or speaking words to distract others or simply myself, from the actual experience of myself in such moments

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to speak words out of the starting point of nervousness and anxiety and thus want to distract myself from this experience and thus want to exert/present myself as the opposite of my actual experience and so I will speak words with the polarity point of being confident or attempting to funny or clever, all the while trying to hide the truth of who I am in such a moment and so here I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to abuse words as who I am in moments of trying to deny/suppress/cover up/distract myself and others from the reality of who I am/how I am experiencing myself and so want to use words to present myself in such a way where I can deliberately hide how I am experiencing myself as to not be honest with what is going on within me

When and as I see myself becoming nervous or anxious in a moment with others wherein I want to speak to fill the space of silence, I stop and I breathe and embrace the moment as the silence, within and without, as the silencing of my mind in not allowing myself to add noise to a silent moment as I see, realize and understand that is actually unnecessary and simply in the starting point of making noise to distract from how I am actually experiencing myself and so here I commit myself to slow myself down in moments of facing anxiety/nervousness in moments with others and there is silence to not speak just because or without awareness or to entertain or to be funny or to fuel the characters and personalities within me that are simply my ego attempting to portray an image that is not actually who I am

I commit myself to put a guard in front of myself before I speak as to check within myself to see 'where'/'who' I am within the words I speak as to bring through an actual self-awareness as the words I speak so that each word becomes substantial and with purpose and meaning and the directive principle of me as the statement of who I am that I can live/stand by/as, what I accept and allow and who I will be from here on out as the process of becoming the living word


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