28 October 2013

Day 265: Directing Myself to Prevent Overwhelming-ness

A point I've noticed the last couple days or the last week is this reaction to 'all the points' that are coming up within me/my mind that I see I can investigate or work with in writing and self forgiveness and in that the reaction is 'where do I start' or "there is too many points" and I do not even then begin the process.

So what I see is that I can direct myself to actually direct these points coming up within me as I've learned and created to organize myself - within a structure that is effective in working with each point, one at a time. The reaction I am having is unnecessary as I have more than enough time and the ability to organize myself in such a way where I can give attention and direction to each of the points. All it requires is my self willingness to actually direct the points.

So instead of seeing all these points coming up within me and saying, "oh yes - I can investigate this point more..." and then not doing it and then see other points I've started to direct but have not been consistent with - start giving attention and direction to each one. This simply requires a small amount of time for each point - giving each some time of my attention and focus and the power of accumulation works wonders. I've seen how it works and I see it supports when one is busy working with multiple points or projects in one's life.

So here - forgiveness for the reactions I've had to all the points coming up that I have not giving attention to and instead the correction in how I can direct myself to give attention to all the points coming up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself towards the various points coming up within me in the last week that I see I can give my attention and focus towards such as thought patterns, fears, desires, memories...  basically here seeing a lot of points I can take into writing out and applying self forgiveness for but instead of doing that the moment I see 'they are here' - instead 'let it go' as suppressing it and in a way waiting for it to come back later in thinking I cannot take on more than one point at a time, when in reality - they are here, they are in my awareness and I see how I can support myself to see what these mind components are showing and supporting me to see and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the points that come up within my mind instead of giving each direction even it is as something as small as making a note of a thought or memory or reaction - as a way to remind myself later that I can write about this specific point I saw in my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to myself as my mind in thinking "why are all these points coming up when I can only work with one point at a time" in thinking that I 'should' only work on one thing at a time within myself instead of perhaps considering the various points that are coming up and the reason for them and realize that they are here and thus I am able to work with them by giving myself at least a few minutes each day to 'work with the points' that are coming up whether that is with writing it out or applying self forgiveness or creating a mind construct - here utilizing the accumulation process of 1+1 = 2 where each day I can give a little bit of attention and focus to each point and thus work on various points a day instead of allowing them to come up in my mind yet not do anything with them and instead suppress them as putting them away for later

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to myself in seeing various points coming up within me/within my mind that I see I can work with but then not in thinking 'there is too much' and 'why are all these things coming up' instead of giving myself the direction in NOT reacting and simply making the decision as to what is priority to work with and then make a note for myself as what I will work on later as a self-commitment in sorting myself out and re-aligning myself to actual life and living - in this seeing how this process of self direction and decision making in terms of how I will direct and give attention to this points assists and support me in my overall process of becoming self directive principle of me and of/as my mind where I no longer allow random thoughts or back chats or reactions to exist within me without investigating where they come from or what they are revealing about me and instead find a solution to how I can direct each of the points effectively within my day as either being where I work on multiple points for a small amount of time each day when I see I am able and thus allowing myself to accumulate the point of working with each thoughts or reaction or memory - or make the decision as to which is priority for me to work with and then make note of the rest of the points I see I would like to work with and putting them away for the moment as I sort out that which is the priority within me/within my life - either way giving myself solutions and directions in no longer allowing myself to accumulate massive points within me that I am constantly ignoring or suppressing until eventual I create a consequence of experiencing myself as being overwhelmed - instead allow myself to prevent such an experience through giving myself the direction in how to proceed within each point I see coming up within me as of recently - facing them all, directing them all, giving attention to them all as I see I have more than one option as to 'how to' do this

and so, when and as I see myself reacting to the various points coming up within my mind as thoughts or back chats or reactions or memories or feelings and emotions where I think 'there is too many, how can I direct these all" - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself, as the here moment, as directive principle of me and take direction in terms of making a decision of how I will support myself to investigate the points coming up within me that I see I am able and capable of doing and so in that moment, either take the points into writing it out or making a note of what came up within me as to save for later when I have the time to work with the point - here giving myself solutions to live instead of accumulating a reaction experience of feeling overwhelmed as all the points that come up that I am not giving direction to and so I commit myself to exist within the principle of prevention is the best cure by taking note each point that comes up within me that I see I can investigate and work with further as giving myself self direction and no longer ignoring or denying the reality that is existing within my mind as me

When and as I see myself reacting to all the points coming up within me in thinking, 'why are so many points coming up... I can only work with one thing at a time" - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself, back to being here and within the realization that the power of accumulation is quite a cool process and I've seen how effective it can be in directing the points and responsibilities within one's days, especially when one is working with various points within oneself and one's reality and so here I commit myself to give myself the attention and direction in working with multiple points that come up within me through giving a small amount of time each day to write out the points, start applying self forgiveness or creating a mind construct - here simply giving myself the direction to actually work with the points and do a little bit each day if I decide to take that route or at least start with one thing and then make a note of the other points as to commit myself to this process of self change and self directive principle where I no longer allow thoughts and memories and reactions simply linger in my mind - instead I bring them through here into my physical reality as writing them down, creating a note for what I can work with in the future if I make a decision to work with one point at a time - realizing that whatever I decide to work with as either working each day with each point, giving a little time to all and accumulating working through them all slowly but surely, or deciding which is a priority and saving the rest for later but still making a note of them as a list of what to work through - either way I am giving myself directions and solutions within my process and no longer allow points to slide - if they are here, I see them and I am aware of what's going on within my mind then I am responsible and have the ability to investigate and sort them out and re-align myself as to see where there is a problem and what is the solution - realizing this is the process of physical change, of becoming self directive, of no longer allowing points to go unnoticed or without my attention - instead i use my mind as the support it is here for me and using what is here as my mind to get to know myself, see where I am still limiting myself, enslaving myself to an idea or self definition, what memories I'm still holding onto and overall seeing where I am still standing in separation of all life, equal and one and so I walk my process of directiveness and in giving myself solutions in how to process all that is here and comes up within my mind - one day at a time, one point at a time - simply ensure that when I am in a moment, no matter what I am doing, I am here and standing in/as reality with/as what I am doing - embracing and giving all of myself as all of my attention and awareness with what is here as me



















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27 October 2013

264: Working with Resistance

Today I saw resistance towards studying. Because I have had this resistance experience towards studying before, today there was some stuff 'piled up' to get done and in that, more resistance as in thinking "this is too much now". This is just the consequence of what one allow when things get put off 'for later' in accepting and allowing resistance in the first place. So prevention was possible and obviously the best cure.

This is also a point I have been facing/working with - yet without an effective solution I am walking that I am satisfied with. Yet - still working with it and so tonight's blog - in relation to the resistance towards studying and the ways in which I 'walk around it', justifying me putting it off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to studying through and as defining school work as difficult or challenging or me as not being 'good enough' or 'good at it' and to within this, constantly accept these ideas and thus create a resistance to actually, physically, doing the work as studying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into and be influenced by this resistance I have created towards studying through doing other things and not doing that which I am resisting - which is studying even though I realize the common sense solution I have seen works to stop and direct myself/move myself through resistances which is to simply STOP and physically do the work - do that which I am resisting and when I do not and allow the resistance to exist within me - I only solidify it's existence towards studying and thus compound and accumulate the experience until it completely directs and takes over and I create even more consequences that I see/realize/understand are absolutely unnecessary

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be consistent with my school work in moving myself to studying as the priority in my life and instead allow myself to create a resistance towards studying and every moment I accept, allow and define this resistance to be real such as then not studying and doing something else, I allow the resistance to become bigger and greater than me where I create even more of a resistance experience even though I have seen time and time again how I am able and capable of moving myself through resistances and how silly resistances are revealed to be when I allow myself to walk through them

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to continue to trust resistances as defining myself according to how I experience myself within resistances instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that it is ME I am resisting - me within studying and so based on self ideas and definitions I have given to myself - which then exist within the MIND - which is NOT REAL and as I've shown myself in other areas, once I allow myself to sit myself down, stop the resistance and physically DO THE WORK which in this case is studying, I find that it's quite easy and I am effective in doing the work and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to deceive myself in believing the resistance experience I have within me towards studying is real and not allow myself to realize that I know how to support myself through stopping the resistance and thus direct myself to make my own decisions about what I do within my days and no longer be a slave to my own creation as my resistance towards studying

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define studying as more difficult then other responsibilities within my day and so opt out of studying due to this definition or actually judgment towards studying and go for the 'easier route' which is something I find no resistance towards and thus use this as an escape to run from the resistance experience I have towards studying and instead do things I can then make myself feel better about in thinking 'well at least I am getting this done'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate consequences for myself within not taking the moments I have to study to actually study and instead create a resistance towards studying as telling myself "I can do it later - I will have this day to do it ALL" instead of seeing/realizing/understanding this is the same 'ol excuse I've used time and time again that I see is absolute bullshit and only create consequences for me in my physical reality and so instead of continuing to trust this - to instead stop this - stop me in my tracks when I see I am trying to pull this on myself again and instead take the route as the only solution possible which is to do that which I resist - I realize this is the only way through, there is no way around it and as I've shown myself, it is possible and I am capable of doing such things and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give power to my mind as ideas and definitions and judgments of myself within and towards studying and instead stop, breathe and realize that physically - I can study and the mental resistance I am creating is not real and the only way to prove to myself that it is not real is to actually change myself as moving myself through - making the decisions to move myself through the resistance in no longer trusting it as valid as an experience of myself

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not effective within studying as a self judgment that i am not good enough or inferior to studying and thus separating myself from the act of studying as seeing the material and the lessons as more than me - I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards something through my mind as a way to not face how I feel about myself, how I define myself and in how I attempt to keep myself the same in not developing myself as redesigning myself in no longer accepting these limitations of who I am within what I can or cannot do - I realize the necessity of studying and that I am absolutely able to stop the resistances I create towards it through physically moving myself to do the work - I've done it before and thus it's about creating the consistency to substantiate the change I am creating within and as me as deciding for myself who I am within studying and when I will study and no longer allowing an energetic experience determine who I am and what I will or will not do within my days

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what I could be potentially missing out when/as I allow resistance to direct me within myself and within my world - as I've seen and realize how enjoyable I can experience myself and that which I do of what I initially resisted, once I allowed myself to stop the resistance and actually, physically do something, the thing I was resisting and how silly I see the resistance is once I allow myself to move through it and so I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to gift myself with moments of walking through resistance and doing that which I think I cannot do as I see moments of self growth, expansion and directiveness I can give to myself when I make the decision to move me and no longer allow energy to move me

When and as I see myself resisting studying - I stop and I breathe and if in that moment I am able, I move myself physically to do that which I am resisting which is studying as giving myself back the power and authority of who I am and no longer allowing resistance to direct me as I see/realize/understand the various consequences I create within me and within my life when I allow resistance to studying to exist within me - I limit myself in what I am capable of within studying as well as within my process of becoming directive principle of me as well as accumulate a bigger load of studying that must be done when I do not allow myself to do it in the time I have available and so I commit myself to stop the resistances towards studying within me through/as physically moving myself to simply sit myself down and do the work - realizing it's that simple and the moment I think it's not is the moment I have abdicated my self will to the resistance as attempting to make it real and valid - I realize it's not and so I commit myself to live the solutions I see necessary for me to stop this resistance and change me seeing/realizing/understanding that's it's the only way and thus the only option

When and as I see myself inferiorizing myself within studying as defining the work as too difficult or me as not good enough or smart enough to understand - I stop and I breathe and I do not allow such self judgments and definitions determine who I am within myself or within my life - I see/realize/understand that these self judgments or ideas about me as self definitions are the seeds in which I plant a separation within me towards studying and thus a resistance as the consequence of participating within the mind - instead I commit myself to exist here in physical reality and thus realize the ability I have to direct myself to move, sit down with myself and simply do the work and until I allow this of myself, resistances will always be the king of me... I no longer accept this of myself as it's my responsibility and my creation and so I commit myself to move through any/all resistances I see towards studying and allow myself to live the simple solutions that I have proven to myself before that work in stopping resistances which is to physically MOVE myself in doing that which I resist and so I commit myself to stop myself from creating continued consequences in allowing resistances towards studying and instead allow myself to enjoy the process I have as the opportunity I have in self development in all that I do, such as studying, realizing that I no longer accept the power I give to the mind to determine the power I have in physical reality and so I commit myself to walk the process of establishing myself as self directive in all ways within/as this physical reality to ensure I am the one always making the decision of who I am and what I will or will not do and thus no longer allowing myself to be a slave to energy as resistance - no more a slave to my own creation





























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263: Fear of Loss - Fear of Letting Go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of points within myself, within my life that I have attached value to as being important or somehow giving me something that without - I could not or would not have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of the attachments I have created towards points separate and outside of me here, through and as my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of those points within myself and within my life that I have attached a positive energy and definition towards - where I do not want to let go of them at all, I fear letting go of them because I fear not having them/it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself within defining myself according to something outside and separate from me here as having a positive value judgment I have given to it and to within this define myself as better or more or my life better or more and so fear losing that point of self definition I have given to myself towards something outside and separate from me here as fear losing that which I think I have gained towards how I have defined things within myself and within my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the self-enslavement I cause for and as myself when I define myself according to things in my reality and within my life and especially when I define those things as something positive and use to make myself feel better about myself or more than myself and thus fear losing/letting go/walking without those points

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the enslavement I have caused within myself where I cannot imagine myself walking without a particular self definition or positive experience I have given life to towards points separate and outside of me here to the point where I will hold onto these things for as long as I can within the fear of losing them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give so much value to things outside and separate from me here to the point where I cannot stand to live with/be with/walk without these points - yet not seeing/realizing or understanding that I have in fact accepted, allowed and thus defined myself according to something that is separate from me - I have already created the loss as I have lost touch with the reality of myself and with all life that is here in each moment as each breath - instead I have gone into my mind, defined things within my reality as positive and good and within this - define myself according to these things and thus define myself as positive and good and more than myself and thus have abdicated myself from the real reality that I am here without any self definition or positive feelings yet I have attached such a value judgment to something outside of myself through how I see/perceive/define it that I have created a point of fear within me towards it - fear of losing it, of letting it go, of being without it and never stopping and asking myself, is this a real fear? Is this a real experience?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the experience of fear I have towards things within my reality that I don't want to let go of and instead simply accept the fear as if it is real and valid and practical instead of seeing that it's only a self-trap I have placed myself within as actual self limitation because within my fear of letting something go - I am saying I cannot exist without this thing or I actually think I will not exist without this thing - instead of realizing this thing is a separate entity that I have constructed within my mind that only serves my ego of self definition and if I would dare to stop and actually face and walk through my fear of letting this point(s) go, I would realize that I am still here - with or without this point - I still exist, I am still here and so seeing I am only fearing to lose the experience I create through defining myself according to things in my reality

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to become reactive as fear and resistance towards letting go of points within my reality where I will actually desire to hold onto any point I see I can that will keep me attached and connected to this point that I fear losing

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself within myself and within my relationship with myself and within my reality and the priorities and responsibilities that I Have within defining myself and valuing something outside of myself to the point where I want to place all my attention and focus onto this point and let go of everything else - instead of realizing that what I am actually not allowing myself to do is let go of the fear that is gripping me to hold tight to something I have defined myself according to - I am attempting to hold onto an illusion - to my own creation yet to something that is not real - yet I have given it so much power and validity within my mind in how I see it and how I see it serves me and how it makes me feel that I have not questioned it or asked myself what the hell I am doing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust how I define myself in relation to others things within my reality instead of always investigating that which I am creating a relationship towards to ensure I am never placing myself and who I am within a thought about this thing and instead remain standing where I am, with two feet on the ground in physical reality and thus always actually here, always actually stable - as this physical reality - and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I actually fear losing/letting go of how I define myself in relation to points outside/separate from me here and even more within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse points outside and separate from me here as a source of self definitions that I can use within self interest to serve me as ego in how I feel about and experience myself and so realizing it's not these points in my reality or life that I fear losing - it is the relationship I have created towards these point that originate from within me; how they make me feel and how I use them to define myself - which I realize are not real and so fear of losing/letting go of an illusion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the fear I have towards losing something outside and separate from me here as being that which I have not yet created, designed or sustained within myself and thus this fear of letting go/losing something within my reality as the relationship I have created towards it actual reveal the self interest I am accepting and allowing of myself as I am using something outside of myself to define myself, to make me feel a certain way, to have me experience myself a specific way and thus limiting even now the existence of something/someone else to be that which is only here to support and serve me as my pursuit of happiness which only exists within the starting point of fear

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the power I have in creating something such as an illusion as a relationship towards something outside and separate from me here to the extent where I will then fear to lose it - something that is not even grounded in physical reality, something that does not feed me or nourish my body, quench my thirst or protect me from the environment - it's not anything of substance as actual reality that I fear to lose - it is something that 'makes me' feel a certain way about myself and so within this I forgive myself that i have not yet accepted and allowed myself to investigate this relationship towards points outside/separate from me here that i Have attached such a value towards where I think I cannot possible let it go and find out how it is serving me as my self interest as I see/realize/understand that is where I will find the cause of why I don't want to let it go because I also see/realize/understand it's not necessarily about fear of letting it go - it's of not wanting to let it go because i have used this point outside/separate from me here as a source of positive energy, of a feeling experience - which I've come to see can be stopped in a moment and so I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to, within self honesty, see what it is I am holding onto as what this point outside/separate from me here gives to me that I think adds to me and my life experience and ask the question why am I not living/giving it to myself and instead abusing something outside of myself for this point(s)

When and as I see myself existing within and participating as fear of loss/letting go towards anything outside and separate from me such as a relationship I have created towards something in my life or my reality - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to my body within/as this physical reality and to the realization that this fear of loss or of letting something go indicate a point of separation within me where I am accepting and allowing myself to think that without this point I have created a relationship towards that I am fearing to let go/live without/not have in my reality, that I will somehow lose a part of myself and so indicating I am defining myself, as a self limitation, in relation to something and use it to serve me in some way or another and thus existing within/as self interest and so I commit myself to see/realize/understand that anytime I experience fear of loss or of not wanting to let something go - I am not giving/living this point that I am attached to and have given such value towards, within and as myself and so I commit myself to investigate the fear of loss/letting something go - where it's originating within me such as how it serves me in how I feel about myself or my life or how I experience myself or my life and why I think I cannot live without it - I commit myself to be self honest in the face of any fear of loss as I see/realize/understand that such a fear exists within the mind because if I were to remove the attachment as a value judgment of positivity towards anything within my reality, I would realize I am still here, I still remain and so I commit myself to investigate what I am holding onto and what I am defining myself as in relation to it in order to remove the self enslavement such a relationship cause



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25 October 2013

262: Into Me I See

Tonight I was writing about some memories from a fear (interesting - meant to write few here) years ago, in relation to a particular experience I faced and how I reacted within that - realizing I never really gave myself the opportunity to write it out for myself and actually look at what happened and how I, myself, played out the whole experience within me and within my life.

This memory/time in my life was specific in that it was the point in my life where I realized the process of self forgiveness. This was before I ever was introduced to Self Forgiveness as a structured application of taking self responsibility and as a self clearing/cleansing - it was before I ever found desteni. I came to the conclusion that the only way I would be able to let go of the experiences I was having at that stage in my life would be to forgive myself for my past, what I had done - I mean I was in the point of self blame and regret and it was consuming me within my mind to the point where it was a constant distraction and would completely take me over - and so it was cool from the perspective of supporting me to see for myself this point of realizing, I can forgive myself - I will have to forgive myself.


So while I was writing these memories out from this time in my life I got to a part of the memory that I had never really looked closely at. There were emotions coming up as I was writing that I had not realized were 'here' within me. I kept writing.

When I finally stopped - I placed my hands together and in that moment experienced gratitude for myself and for the moment as writing I was giving to myself. And in that - realizing the time I was giving to and as myself. It was as if I was communicating with myself, spending time with myself, getting to know myself and I was really enjoying the self intimacy in that moment. I mean these are things I've heard are the process in which we walk within the desteni group - yet tonight it seemed more clear what it really meant to get to know myself, spend time with myself and be intimate with me. In this, I also realized the relationship I have with myself and how I have not really honored it to the best of my ability. It's like we get so caught up and consumed with relationships with other people or school stuff or having to work - that we never stop and spend some time with ourselves, for real. We seem to get caught up in living for others or doing for others that we forget about ourselves. And the relationship that matters the most in the world and the focus of what this process and journey to life is all about - getting to know self.

So as I stopped writing, I put my hands together, folded and placed them on my keyboard and sat there for a moment and just breathed, seeing me as the words typed on the computer. I experienced a sense of intimacy with myself I had not yet experienced or realized I could have with me. I saw myself as my own friend and in that the potential of developing a lasting relationship - one that I can trust and count on and be content with. That was another point I saw - how in that moment, after a long time of missing the point, I was okay being with myself alone. I have not experienced that in quite awhile and I see how I've used things outside of myself to distract me as this act of self-separation.

I've been reading some fellow Journey to Lifer's blogs recently and this point has come up in more than one of them - of giving ourselves some time with ourselves, cherishing the time we have with ourselves - stopping for a moment and spending some quality time with ourselves. And that can be doing anything, but specifically in relation to this point of writing. I have had such a resistance to writing myself out since I started walking my process 4 years ago, although I have pushed through the resistances to some extent and got myself to a point of consistency with it, it's still been a 'push' for me. And tonight I can say for the first time it was something that I enjoyed, as myself and with myself - really seeing more into what it actually means to living self intimacy.

So tonight's point - grateful for self and this process of self writing and developing self intimacy and the relationship that counts the most in this world - that relationship with ourselves. And seeing the extent to which I've attempted to hide from myself through resisting writing and how I've not really given myself the opportunity to get to know me to the extent to which I now see and realize is possible. A point I will work with - spending time with me, writing with myself as self-communication - developing self honesty and enjoying the process I walk with me, in getting to know me and what is here as the totality of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the point of self intimacy as self writing as self communication - where I give myself the time and space to spend and get to know me, to really see myself through the words I write and the memories I have and how I have existed throughout my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist this point of self intimacy as one develop through the act of self writing

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider what it means to be self intimate through self writing/communication in allowing resistance to really bringing out points within my life that have been here but I have not directed in allowing them to 'sit in the back ground' without really bringing to the forefront

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not spend time with myself as placing other relationships in my life as more important - forgetting about the relationship that matters the most which is the relationship I have with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never consider that I can actually live self intimacy through physical actions that I live in my days such as writing and really letting go in looking at memories and experiences I've had throughout my life and how within that, I can actually get to know myself and get to a point of trusting myself and heck, even enjoying myself as the time I give for and as myself through self writing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value more the communication I have with others instead of valuing the point where communication can be developed as being most effective and that is through communicating with myself through self writing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the essential point of my process as what I am currently walking and that is the point of self intimacy which leads to self trust and self expression when one wills oneself to be self honest through self writing and so here getting a taste of what that actually means to become self intimate and all that can come from this gift to self

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself time each day as a point of self directed time spent with self - where I spend time with me, enjoying my own company, getting to know myself and in that, honoring and cherishing the relationship I have developing with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so easily become distracted by other relationships within my life and let go of the one relationship that I know I can create to be of worth and accountability, stability and that I can trust - which is the relationship I have with myself - here is where I develop the starting point for all other relationships and thus I see/realize/understand now the importance of actually getting to know myself, becoming intimate with myself, communicating with myself and thus laying a foundation with myself as an agreement I walk with and as myself and thus always within the starting point of self responsibility and honesty within all relationship within my world/life as I walk in creating a solid and substantial relationship with my own self

When and as I see myself not giving myself the time and space to become self intimate with me as communicating with myself through self writing - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization of what this process I walk is all about - getting to know myself, developing a relationship with myself - creating within myself and as myself, the foundation and agreement from which I walk/live/apply in my life - self trust, accountability, honesty and ultimately, intimacy - seeing into me as who I've been and who I can will myself to become and it starts with me here, through physical actions that I can apply each day where I spend time with me, give to myself the time I deserve and as what it will take to establish a self of worth and integrity, expression and actual life.

I commit myself to getting to know myself

I commit myself to developing self intimacy

I commit myself to developing self love

I commit myself to developing self stability

I commit myself to developing self enjoyment

I commit myself to create a relationship with myself that I can count on, that I can stand as and from which I can move from that will create, from and as me, a relationship with all life that is best for all and within/as equality and oneness. So I embrace myself and this process of change that can and only will start with self.


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24 October 2013

261: The Addiction to Starting Over

A pattern I see myself live out time and time again is this point of moving within a certain responsibility or task, commitment or decision on a particular project and what I will do is go into the point motivated and with energy as thinking "I can do this - this will be fun and easy and I see it's cool support for me" - yet what happens is the energy as the reaction to the imagination of actually doing it and thinking how I will feel about it when it's done is like the whole play out in the mind that I then settle on and thus do not actually manifest in my reality - I don't actually live out/walk through/complete the things I set forth for myself, instead I accept them as the internal reality I see for myself and within that become satisfied as if that is real or actually living - clearly it is not.

The problem here I see is the starting point from which I move into these points/projects/commitments as an energetic high of feeling positive about doing the things - and then when I do not actually do them/complete the tasks/responsibility I 'fall' into the negative experience that follows as feeling shitty about myself, going into self judgments which is just self diminishment and then the cycle repeats...

and this is the point I see I have become addicted to.

The starting over.



That moment where I say to myself, "Okay - I am going to try this again, I am going to start over... I am going to do it right this time." The thing is though I never do, and that feeling of giving myself a 'clean slate' is actually only suppressing what I've accepted and allowed as the behavior and thought patterns I've accumulated and so in not directing/dealing with/correcting myself as aligning to the best I can be - I instead get hooked on the feelings of 'starting over' and the feelings I've attached to this as 'letting go' and having a clean slate. But this is not a starting over.. it is a cycle that is playing the same 'ol song on repeat. And what happens is I accumulate the consequence of having all these points left hanging, forgotten about, giving up on... it's like I throw those out, say fuck it, I fucked it up... okay, I will just start over - not ever investigating why and how I got myself into that position in the first place.

So a solution is required here - a correction to the acceptance I have allowed of Me. The trap of starting over... of basically suppressing why it is I allow myself to give up on certain points through accepting procrastination or lack of consistency within what I do - looking at why in moments I do not stand and walk through any resistance or fear or judgment or 'state of mind' that dictates what I will do in each moment; what is behind the feelings and emotions that are telling me to just put it off and put it off until I get to the point where I can just throw it out (suppress it) and start over. For me I see what is missing here is consistency and the absolute allowance I am giving to myself in moments where I do not push through and do what is necessary to be done in a moment as what I have previously decided would be best to do in a day or a moment.

What is required is stopping the Fall and finally Standing. I mean that is the process of self change - of self creation - that is the real artwork in which we are making as ourselves... creating something new, something that serves ourselves and everyone else to be that which is best. I mean we see we are living the same thing over and over again and we see it does not support us and yet we continue to trust ourselves in those moments when we tell ourselves as our back chats and thoughts that, "it's okay this time.. next time I will do more, I will be more.. I have time to do it later." The catch - there exists no later, there only exists moments as what I accept and allow and that is what accumulates and creates my reality. All the moments I tell myself not to push myself to live and be and direct myself to the best of my ability, within principles that I can stand by to produce a real being of worth, those accumulate as self creation... so what am I actually creating? A cycle I trap myself within and as. So no more starting over... now it's about making that stand, that decision, that commitment to myself to push myself beyond what I have accepted of myself and as what I see I am capable of. So no starting over here - a re-establishment of who I am and the principle in which I will myself to move myself. I am long past the point of starting over in my process/in my life - because I have already made the decision to take responsibility for who I am in this world and all it exists as and so now the moment to actually walk it - prove it to myself that I can live by and as my decision within/as self will.

Okay - a little pep talk for myself here and now the self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to starting over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of starting over where I can say fuck it to things and points in my life where I see I have not been effective, suppress the allowances that created the consequences of my ineffectiveness and instead think and believe I can just let it all go and saying fuck it and starting over and then within this - attach a positive feeling to the image of starting over and the ideas of who I can be and what I can accomplish and how I can feel about myself within that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern/cycle in my life where I start working with specific points, projects, commitments, decisions, responsibilities within my life and within this imagine a positive experience/feeling within doing these things and how it will define me and how I can define myself yet not allow myself to actually LIVE out that which I see I might be capable of doing by giving all of myself in all that I do without any justification or excuse for accepting a lesser version of me and so then within this - create a negative energy experience of not actually following through and completing that which I have set forth for myself and so end up back within the position of wanting that positive feeling/experience of being effective within the things that I do and thus re-start the program as the starting over design I have created within myself and within my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the feelings of being effective as how I've defined it to be positive and better than who I am now as a judgment/comparison and projection of a future self and thus desire that more than working with who I am here and where I can actually, in my physical living, change myself in moments to no longer allow myself to live out this pattern and instead change the pattern/behavior to be that which is REAL and not limited within my mind as an idea of who I can be - instead living who I can be in real time, physical reality - breath by breath and thus stopping the energy addiction of feeling high and good and positive as starting over after creating the negative experience of the 'fall'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue the pattern of starting over in thinking and believing I am standing and falling as a pattern instead of realizing that I've never been standing as I've always allowed myself to fall and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  not be consistent in my day to day application of effective self directiveness and decisions in moments where I see I have an opportunity to NOT give into the mind as the experience I generate within me through participating in thoughts and back chats and imaginations of who I am, who I could be, what i can do and instead stick to the physical and the physical daily applications that create stability and the consistency in which I can commit to and by and thus stopping the cycles of having to start over and instead make the decision to stand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of the points I have within my life to work with as responsibilities and tasks that support me within self development and self change and instead of pushing myself beyond what I 'think' I am capable of - instead always make the decision to stop, breathe, and stand as directing myself to actually, physically changing myself in moments where I see I am trying to/wanting to/thinking I can give up or postpone or put off the things necessary to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for the commitment and decision I have made within this life/my life to walk a process of self change which implies an actual changing and not a repeating and so instead of allowing myself to continue to fall - to actually take the step to stand and walk and not allow anything less of myself as I see I am able and capable of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am letting go of points that i have created consequences towards when I say "I'm starting over" instead of realizing I am suppressing the acceptances and allowances I exist within and as in moments where I was busy accumulating the now manifested consequences of being behind on things and not effectively directing all points within my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate the moments that accumulate the now manifested consequences of who I am here and what I've created as the patterns and behaviors I have decided to live out as understanding the driving force from which I move or that is moving me as influencing me to not apply myself as effectively as I see I am able and thus understand the design of the behavior to better support myself to face the moments where the pattern 'wants' to repeat and thus giving myself solutions to apply in such moments to no longer give into/live out the patterns/cycles/behaviors that hold up this whole construct that I see I am sick and tired of facing

When and as I see myself wanting to 'start over' as a positive feeling within projecting into the future of how I will experience myself and how I can define myself - I stop and I breathe within seeing/realizing/understanding this is the outflow of a pattern I have accepted and allowed and at this moment I have already gone to 'far' in terms of accepting the behavior that accumulates this position of wanting to start over and suppressing who I have been and so I commit myself to slow myself down with breathe when walking through my days and towards the moment where I allocate my time to 'do the work' in terms of responsibilities, tasks, projects and commitments - to support myself through these moments where I usually 'give in' and to instead utilize breath and the realization that I know what I create when I accept the option of giving in, putting things of, postponing and thinking I will do more and have more time later - and instead choose to make a change in that moment to not give in, breathe, stand and continue walking this process within actually, physically changing me

When and as I see myself within a starting point of positive energy from which I move towards a responsibility, task, commitment, decision or job to be done in my day - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself out of the influence of the energy that I see/realize/understand that exists as a polarity cycle and instead  bring myself back to the physical, that which is stable and within equilibrium to ensure I do not create the cycles of self abuse that accept a lesser version of me and so I commit myself to stop moving from/within/as energy and instead use breath as my guiding force from which I move to ensure I am clear and self directive in all that I do

When and as I see myself within a negative experience towards this pattern of postponement and putting things off and accumulated consequences that I just want to say 'fuck it' towards - I stop and I breathe and I do not allow myself to continue the pattern from which I will then suppress these experiences and desire the positive polarity of 'letting go and starting over' and instead investigate where I have been, what i have been doing and why I allowed myself to get to this point in seeing/realizing/understanding this is also past the point of consequence as I took it to the point of the end of the cycle and so instead of throwing it all away, in terms of my experience and what I am facing as my manifested consequences of who I've been - instead face it and direct myself out of the mess - taking responsibility for myself and what I create in my life as each point still requiring my attention and direction -  realizing it's accumulated from every moment in which I breathe and so I commit myself to stop cycles of energy I have created within standing and falling and instead stop, breathe and walk - making the decisions to take the moments I have available to actually stop and change and no longer repeat patterns that I see do not support me but only keep me within the same cycles - I commit myself to become self directive in each moment - using each moment I have to move myself through the responsibilities and tasks and commitments and decisions I have made - to actually walk real time change in the moment as the breath and thus start actually living and walking this process in no longer allowing a repeat cycle to run.



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17 October 2013

260 - Real Worth

Here the self corrective statements and commitment in relation to my previous blog post:

When and as I see myself reacting toward another's words, expression or behavior in relation to feeling unworthy or not good enough, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself here, back to my body, back to where real worth exists as who I am as the physical, as life and so I breathe within seeing/realizing/understanding that the reaction is in separating myself from the relationship with me - the relationship I have within my own self worth and indicate I am not yet giving/living self worth as who I am here and so I commit myself to stop looking for worth outside of myself here, outside of the very breath I breathe and commit to realizing that real worth as who I am is defined and determined in every moment of breath, every thought, word, deed and as who I am in this life, how I live, what principles I stand by - those are the real determining factors of self worth and thus I commit myself to continuing the process of stopping and bringing myself back to my own self worth, self created in every moment to be that which is best for me and thus best for all each and every time I stop my mind and bring myself back to the physical reality through/as breathing

When and as I see myself in expectation of a specific expression or communication from another in desiring a sense of self worth - I stop and I breathe and I do not allow this of myself as I see/realize/understand that to stand in such a position is to stand conditionally within life and thus not best for all as it's coming from a point of self interest - instead I commit myself to stop looking outside of myself for self worth within seeing/realizing/understanding that it can only be found, established, developed and expressed by/as me here, through myself as a physical being and accumulated within each and every breathe I breathe, standing equal to life as the real worth that is equal for all

I commit myself to getting to know myself as my own self worth - redefining worth to be that which is real and best for all within/as this life to no longer base it on an idea or expectation or picture in my mind, believing that I will magically find it in another, in a relationship - outside and separate from me here and so I commit myself to walking the process of establishing who I am here as self worth - to discover the life that is worthy for all when all are standing together, equally as one, within principles that are best for all and so I commit myself to taking responsibility for my participation within this world, within myself, to establish within myself self worth and to establish a life of worth for all in this life and thus no longer accepting and allowing myself to place conditions on another to give me that which I am able to give to myself and once I am able to give/live self worth as who I am then I am able to support others within discovering their own self worth and thus stop the cycles of abusing each other in seeking another to give us that which we are able to give ourselves - real worth = life giving/supporting life.

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11 October 2013

259: Forgiving the Search for Self Worth

Yesterday’s blog was my ranting and raving on this point I've participated in throughout my life within relationships. They were the main players in my search to fill my self worth. Obviously indicating I was not seeing, accepting, living or embracing worth within myself in any way and actually believed that another could give this or offer this to me. I've known for some time now that is absolutely not true and the only way to know real worth is to live it as myself as who I am, how I live, the principles I live by and to no longer accepting and allowing the abuse of myself and others that is created within seeking self worth in separation of myself. So self forgiveness


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe self worth can be and will be found in a relationship with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there is no way one can find SELF worth in another as the words indicate – SELF worth – can only exist within and lived as SELF

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate the responsibility of my own self worth through placing the responsibility onto another to give it to me, to express it to me, to communicate it to me – to expect them to be this point for me as I was unwilling to live/give it as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be unwilling to live self worth as who I am within accepting the initial idea about myself that I am not good enough, not worthy enough and thus begin the process and search of looking outside myself for self worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within relationships within a starting point of separation and dishonesty through thinking and believing another could give to me my sense of self worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use and abuse relationships throughout my life for my own self interested search of self worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define self worth as a relationship outside and separate from me here, with another, in how they speak, act and express themselves towards me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if my partner says nice things about me and to me then I am worthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth in how another acts towards me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth in how I interpret another's words and behavior towards me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I do not have points in a relationship where my self worth is validated simply by not giving to me that which I expect to find – which is a sense of security within feeling worthy in a relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being in a relationship as being worthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth in a relationship to be when my partner shows me in show many ways they want to be with me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the only relationship where I can find/create/live/express worth as what is actually valid and real is within/as the relationship I have with myself and if I am looking outside of this relationship with my-self, then I am obviously not paying attention to the relationship that matters - which is the one with me, here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe if I am not in a relationship then I am worthless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if one is not in a relationship then they are missing out in life – they are not complete

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my self worth to be that of things in which I have received in past relationships such as compliments and another telling me I’m beautiful and that eagerness they express to me that I am the one they want and to within this, use it to feed my ego as being special and beautiful in which I have also defined as my self worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my current relationship/agreement to the ones of my past and to within this think there is something wrong as I am not receiving that which I 'normally' would in a relationship and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject and define my current relationship through comparisons and judgments of my past relationships and to within this - miss the points of embracing what is here and how I can support myself and another to actually create a relationship of real worth where each stand individually and responsible as an equal participant in the creation of the relationship and thus without any expectations or wants from each other and thus can give and express unconditionally as the real worthiness of relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth to that of beauty instead of realizing that beauty is a perception and not something real in this world as how we have come to define beauty – it is only a picture we have given value to in which we place as some more than others and thus creating some as less than others and thus sustaining life of inequality for all as we place all within a value system based on judgments of something that is in fact an illusion as how we perceive others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self worth within an illusory idea created within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am not worthy if my partner does not express things to me specifically that I can interpret as meaning “I am worthy and good enough”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my self worth in separation of me here within the responsibility of another and thus enslaving myself and my self worth into another and then create a dependency on another for my sense of self worth and if I don’t receive that, react and think there is something wrong with me or the relationship instead of realizing what is ‘wrong’ here is thinking that another can give me real self worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another for my belief of a need for self worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth to be that which feeds my ego of being special wherein my worth is defined according to how others see me and within the desire to be more than others and special and to within this, never question any relationship within my life that offers me this experience of positive feelings as being self worth and only question relationships where I do not get this point of self worth instead of realizing the reverse reality I am participating in where I should be questioning any relationship where I feel better within, within thinking that another gives to me my sense of self worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good enough and unworthy when not in a relationship with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my relationships with others to be that which something only supports and benefits me yet only as a mind and not as actual life and thus cut myself off from actually growing and expanding in a relationship, within myself and equally with another where both stop participating in the needs of asking the other to fulfill self and instead live self fulfilled to then be able to exist together without self interest serving a purpose and thus actually move towards and within self expression, unconditional

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within relationships for my own self interest of finding my self worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look towards relationships to give to me a sense of self worth instead of finding ways I can live self worth here as myself, in each moment, as each day – living in ways that support me to expand me into a being of self honesty, integrity and real care in this world where I stop the endless search for my self interest as self worth and instead find ways to change myself and this world into what is best for all as I see/realize/understand that what currently exists within me and within this world Is worthless and does not honor real life – it only honors the mind as ego where we play the game of believing we are something we are not and all the while real life goes without our attention or care

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about how I feel and what a relationship can offer to me in the form of my self worth instead of what is actually going on in this world where millions suffer needlessly – which exposes the unworthiness we have become to actually be life and support life

I will continue with the corrective and commitment statement in the following blog...


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10 October 2013

258- Worthless Search in Relationships

Continuing here from the self worth points I have been walking. I started with this acceptance within myself where I stated “I am not good enough, not worthy” and saw how easily it is for anyone to come to such a conclusion in a world where money is valued as what is worthy of/in life and the more you have, apparently the more you are – so I saw how in general, how this world is set up in terms of the economic system – the value system being out of whack as it is – produce such ideas within people. However, I also see my responsibility within this – in accepting this point within myself and thus the self forgiveness and self correction application that must be walked.

Okay – so I will continue with the next point I placed for myself in that first blog of this series, where I said,

“I accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth and being good enough outside and separate from me here - in a relationship with another”

Alright – well this is a big point for me in terms of how much I have so completely abdicated the responsibility to my own self worth through relationships with others. Where once in a relationship and how I define that particular relationship, how that relationship goes, how the partner acts and reacts towards me, their words, their expression – everything of ‘them’ is where I look to determine and define my self worth – as being good enough.

In relationships in my past this point was always ‘here’ for me in terms of always having specific feedback that said to me that I am beautiful, I am special, I am good enough, I am worthy… again as how I defined self worth. So once I was in a relationship, it was like I was settled and content with myself and no longer had to sit with this experience of feeling inadequate or unworthy – because I had a partner that would exist in ways for me that validated this point for me – this point of self worth.

So quite a fuck up as I see/realize/understand that the responsibility I was placing of my lack of self worth onto another/my relationship. And I never questioned this before because it felt so good to have another swoon over you and say things to you and interact with you in ways that simply feed your ego in how you define yourself. That is the fuck up of relationships as they currently exist – there is no self questioning or investigation or slowing down even; no self honesty – there is only this latching onto this point outside of you to use for your own self interested purposes of fulfilling those parts of yourself that you have separated yourself from – or to sustain the current version of yourself that you believe is you yet is only a parasitic ego that feeds off the compliments and good feelings another provides.



In agreements – man, that shit does not exist – which is absolutely supportive for one to stop their self-delusions about who they think they are and what they need and exposes so much of the deception that exists within our minds – yet when a point such as self worth is defined and determined by another, outside of myself as in a relationship with me, as how I have always existed, automatically and without question – and then I find that I am not given that point of self worth as validation through their words and actions – wow, that’s when the system crashes – lol. Seriously though – throughout my life relationships have been that point of validation for me that I have sought after relentlessly to tell me I am good enough and worthy. Yet it was always based on illusion – things that didn't matter, things that I defined as who I am, like how I look and the clothes I wear and how others saw/perceived me or how much positive feelings I could get – it was never according to things that really matter such as how I live, who I am, living principles or getting to know myself and another for real, without the facade as the fake image we present to ensure we get what we want.

So relationship – major factor in my life to determine my self worth. Currently – I am not being supported within this point of getting my fix of self worth through relationship and this was what really set this whole point up for me to face and take responsibility for. That it’s time for me to stop ‘needing’ another to validate my self worth, to tell me I’m good enough or that I’m worthy and it’s time for me to stand on my own two feet, stable and absolute as my own self worth – living it here as myself and no longer using another to do this for me. I mean that is where real relationships exist – when we are no longer needing or wanting something from our partners because we are giving to ourselves that which only we can – self acceptance, self love, self worth, self trust, self intimacy – I mean man, imagine – you stand within such points as who you are – you no longer need anything/anyone outside of yourself to give to you these things, then you are standing absolute as who you really are and thus can express unconditionally within a relationship as you are no longer coming from a point of self interest – abusing another in fact for your own source of self definition. I mean relationships are quite abusive in how I have lived them throughout my life – there was no real care in such a relationship because it was always within the starting point of looking to get something out of it, whether it’s a self definition or love or sex… relationships are the stomping ground for self abuse and abuse of another; using each other for the mental games we play of thinking and believing another will fulfill us and lift us up and make everything glorious and grand – when the truth is in such a reality as ours, love does not exist and when one find themselves in a relationship of love and bliss realize there is only blindness, because such a thing cannot exist in a world of suffering. The truth of who we are and our world is in fact ugly and that is the ugly truth we must face, as ourselves, in relationships to be able to actually understand what the hell is going on in this world, why human beings seem to lack any real humanity and why we are all so blind to how our world and reality actually function; where is our responsibility, our participation and our ability to actually change anything?

So I realize I am in quite a cool position in terms of facing myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become in this world; an ego of self interest looking in all ways to use others and abuse others for my own purposes. Agreements are the STOPPING grounds of our abuse and deception. That is the nature we are here to change. And so I realize that ALL relationships I have had in the past – the blissful ignorance I existed as, I was caught up and shutting myself off to the rest of the world and when things started to ‘get real’ in terms of the energy running out and all of a sudden you are faced with an experience that ‘you don’t like’ or ‘can’t handle’ – that’s when I would head for the hills… looking for any ways to justify why the relationship would have to end. The moment when I could start getting to the reality of myself – I would run away.

Okay – so again, the reason and purpose as to why I am here, why I write, why I self forgive and give myself corrections to live in my life – because how I have existed in relationships, within myself, within my mind, within this reality is unacceptable and I’m here to stop and change it.

Starting with this point of self worth. No more looking outside of myself and at relationships or another to give to me this – as I realize I can and am able to give this/live this as myself. I will continue with self forgiveness in the blog to follow.


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07 October 2013

257: Self Worth Limited by a Letter Grade

In the last few blogs I have been writing about this point of self worth and how I have come to accept that it's something I must find outside of myself - either through relationships or fashion or the amount of money I have or don't have.

Today was interesting because I saw yet another point within myself in relation to defining my self worth and the experience thereof on something outside of myself.

I had class today and the experience of myself before class was that of frustration and irritation - again. That is now twice this week. I could see what I was accepting and allowing within myself that then created this frustration - so I slowed myself down and breathed as to not accept and allow myself to continue participating in the frustration and irritation and instead let it go and bring myself back to myself in the moment.

Once I got to class, the professor was handing back a test we took from last week. I recall not being as confident taking that test as I have been in other moments of taking tests; although I had studied and kept up with the material, I was not sure what to expect from the test. Turns out I got an A and inside me was a little 'yay' - almost like a sigh of relief because that outcome I was not necessarily expecting and I think overall I was expecting something worse. So that was cool.

However, the point I want to bring through here tonight is once I left class and I was walking to my car, I saw such a difference in my overall experience. Earlier in the day I was feeling unsettled and agitated and yet here I was walking with even a little skip in my step. All of sudden the day looked brighter, I felt lighter and overall I was content with myself.

And then it hit me - what I had done. Within the A on my test, I defined myself as worthy and good enough. I defined myself according to that letter grade and within that - felt good about myself. Yet it's not really that I felt good about myself - it was that i felt good about the definition I have given to myself in relation to my education and grades and how if I have A's then I define myself as good enough and worthy and if I do not get A's I define myself as not good enough and unworthy.

So again here, defining my self worth according to something outside of myself. Now I'm not saying I should not be pushing myself to get A's in my classes because I see that I am able and all I require to do is apply myself, do the work, show up to class and make sure that I am applying myself to the best of my ability and within this I can produce the results I see I can expect of myself. Yet the problem here is that because of that A on the test, I felt better about myself. Now if that grade was not a A, I know very well that I would not have had the same experience about myself - I would have felt shitty, I would have felt worthless and not good enough and would most likely start going into other judgmental and abusive thoughts about myself - creating an experience of helplessness and hopelessness.

So what is required here is for me to stop defining myself according to things outside of myself - such as grades. What is required for me to stop is this point of enslaving myself according to how I define my self worth - to be subject and dependent upon what kind of grades I get. I should be able to get any kind of grade in school and the experience of myself and the way I experience myself in relation to self worth should not change; it should not move - I should remain the same; constant within who I am as self worth. But because I allowed myself to define myself as 'good enough' and 'worthy' within receiving an A - my whole experience changed and it could have quite as easily gone the other way if I received a different grade.

Quite interesting and clear then to see how much polarity still runs my life. Me before class = negative. Me after class = positive. And it's all according to how I define myself and my self worth on things outside of myself. So it was cool to see this point actually today, since I have been writing about this point of self worth the last couple days. Okay - so self forgiveness for this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth to things outside of me and thus allow it to influence and direct the way that I experience myself as either being positive or negative where if I see that I am not able to create the image of myself within myself as being 'worthy' and 'good enough' - I become frustrated and irritated and short with myself and everyone/everything else in my reality yet when I am able to align myself to the definition of my mind of what it means to be 'worthy' and 'good enough' - change in that moment as experiencing myself as feeling better about myself and lighter and overall positive about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth separate and outside of me here into/through and as my grades in school where I define A's as being good enough and worthy and anything else as being not good enough and unworthy and thus according to the letter grades I receive I will allow myself to be directed in how I experience myself, as either this positive definition of self worth or this negative experience of self worth

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define self worth as images and definitions within my mind within an energetic charge of either positive or negative - simply accepting polarity as who I am and how one must experience themselves or this life and to within this according to what I am able to create and express and get feedback in as either being the positive or negative definition - experience myself as that - as only either positive or negative not realizing the enslavement I am creating within myself in how I have come to accept/allow and define self worth to be as something outside of me that represents and makes a statement of who I am - not realizing I am only subjecting myself to this and thus enslaved to this as this 'thing' outside of me, whether it be my clothes, my money or my grades, according to how I interpret those to be as either positive or negative, then I will experience myself as that - either positive or negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so easily influenced by my own brainwashing as how I've come to accept, allow and define self worth to be such as one moment feeling bad and not cool about myself, not good enough and not worthy as a form of a reaction to myself in how I am judging myself in a particular moment to then in an instant and according to something external from me within my reality, such as getting an A on my test, switch like a light bulb to be 'on' within a positive experience of myself and then feeling good enough and worthy and better about myself

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the polarity definition I have given to my self worth will always fluctuate between the positive and negative as the nature of polarity as being one and the same and thus one not existing without the other; one feeding the other and so one moment I am low and the next I am high, all according to the limited definition I have given to my self worth as something outside of myself and thus constantly circling and looping around myself and my own self definition of what it means to live self worth

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to define A's in school as being worthy and good enough and to within this attach a positive energy to it

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define anything other than an A in school as being unworthy and not good enough and to within this attach a negative energy to it

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity relationship within myself in relation to my self worth and within this, how I see myself and how i define myself as either being the positive, good enough worthy or the negative, not good enough unworthy

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the negative experience of myself that i accept and allow when I define my self worth outside/separate from me here within the grades I get in school and to thus desire the positive end of this point - it's equal - as getting A's so that I can then move from the negative energy experience into the positive energy experience in which I have come to accept as 'better' yet not realizing that both polarities are an illusion in which I participate and I can simply stop the back and forth, up and down existence that is me as my mind and these external self definitions of self worth in one moment and through realizing that my self worth is NOT defined according to what kind of grades I get in school, but who I am within/as my education process; who I am within my classes, whether I am applying myself, pushing myself to produce results that I know I am capable, not giving myself any excuses and thus getting out of the time I Have within school to be that which is best for me and so

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use my education process as another way to feed my ego as the self definitions I have accepted and allowed within me - specifically here in relation to my self worthy where I will define myself as either good enough or not according to the grades I get instead of according to who I am within the education process and whether I am giving it my self honest all or not and thus no more enslaved to these ups and downs of self created abuse through defining myself and my self worth to something that is outside of me and instead bringing myself back to the principle that who I am determines the worth that I have and whether I am actually living a worthy life as who I am here, as life, in each moment, according to principles that are in fact best for myself and thus best for all

When and as I see myself changing in a moment from feeling negative about myself to then moving into feeling better about myself I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the real moment of experience as myself as the breath, with/as my body and thus check within myself what i am accepting and allowing as I see/realize/understand that what i am doing in such a moment is allowing energy to influence me through defining myself and my life according to a polarity definition as either positive or negative and so I flag such a moment for myself as/if I see myself changing in order to then investigate for myself what is the polarity relationship I am accepting and allowing within myself and thus remove the polarity energy charge from myself to no longer allow myself to be directed by energy but to instead become self directive of myself as who I am here in each moment

When and as I see myself defining myself and thus my experience in relation to my grades in school, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself out of the energy experience and back into/as reality and not allow myself to participate in any form of self definitions that subjects me to something outside of myself as I see/realize/understand that it does not necessarily matter what kind of grades I get in my education but who I am within the actual process of my education; whether I am actually applying myself, pushing myself to do that which I see I am capable of and not determining my self worth as a self definition to be limited to that of just a letter grade but instead expand it into the process that i have walked within my education and that i am still walking to ensure that I am giving all of myself in ways that I am able to thus then be able to produce results within myself and within my education that are truly reflective of the worthiness that is who I really am as life and thus living up to my real potential and no longer allowing myself to be limited by only ideas of who I am according to the grades that i have thus getting back to the real quality of what life is about - who we are and not what is outside of us that we use to define who we are

I commit myself to stop my ego as it exists in all various forms and specifically here in relation to my self worth as how i define myself according to the types of grades that i get

I commit myself to stop defining myself to things outside of myself and instead bring myself back to reality in realizing what really matters is who I am and thus only within self honesty can I see I am actually apply my self worth in every moment or whether I am limiting myself to only an idea of myself or to something outside of myself where if that point that i am using to define myself and my self worth changes or moves or no longer exists - then the experience of myself and m self worth changes - I no longer accept this of myself and thus commit to living my real self worth which is here in every moment of breath of/as self honesty and within applying principles and tools within my life that realign me to the actual worth of life as equality and oneness as what is best for all


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