31 August 2013

242: Standing Equal to my Ego

Here, self forgiveness in relation to the points I have been facing in the last few days and how I've come to see and realize it is an accumulation of a faulty starting point from which I made a decision of 'how to proceed' - where I moved myself into a position within self dishonesty. So this blog is in relation to the accumulated reactions I have experienced and in blogs to follow I will go back through the days in applying self forgiveness for the origin/starting point that created what I am now experience/facing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to writing my JTL blog within/as a reaction of myself within the last week in relation to my blogs, and more specifically the points I have opened up in relation to ‘no napping’ as I have come to see/realize/understand the starting point from which I moved into that point and see it was within self interest, to prove something to myself and others and thus not within the principles of equality and oneness as what is best for all – instead based within an idea of ‘how’ I must move and thus dishonest as I was not moving here as me, I was moving from/as a reaction of myself/towards myself within my process/my application

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and judge the words of my blogs in fearing that I have been ‘fucking around’ in thinking and believing that nothing of what I have written has been good enough and to within this, stop myself within continuing to apply and push and share myself as my journey to life

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to move myself within my process as a way to present to myself and others an idea of progress and to within this attach a positive energy to it where I ‘feel good’ when I am doing things to support myself in process, yet not actually supporting myself as I allow myself to go into a positive reaction in relation to it and then here comes the self definitions and judgments basically of myself and others and thus instead of facing who I am as what I create as what I share, want to run and hide away the moment I see dishonesty within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I see more clearly the starting point from which I move and instead of stopping and breathing, instead I layer on the reactions to the already existent point that requires to be sorted out/cleared out of me – and instead go into reaction where I create more stuff for me – I see/realize/understand that as I move within my process, I will find, as I have already found, more and more deception and dimensions within me where I exist/move simply to get energy, to define myself within separation from others and thus desire to present myself as something more or less than who I am here and as I walk this process of dis-covering the deception that exist within who we are as our minds, instead of reacting, simply stop – see and self forgive as the reaction implies separation still, where I react in saying “No, what I have done, this is not me “ and thus not taking responsibility within who I am in what I see as my starting point as how I move and so within this realizing that in that moment of reacting I am separating myself from responsibility of who I see I have become and how I have lived and so here self forgiveness required instead of reaction, as reaction is more of the self accepted definition of myself as ego saying “fuck – I am exposed”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to myself within my process, where I see I could of done things differently and see I could have slowed myself down and could have been more disciplined in my breathing to stand within self honesty as to not create from a starting point of self dishonesty and so instead of reacting as still existing within ego, taking personally the idea that I will be ‘called out’ and ‘exposed’ as being deceptive or dishonest, see this for myself and as support where I am getting to know more of myself and how I can correct myself as I see/realize/understand that how I function currently and what lies behind the mind that justifies my righteousness – there exists deception and manipulation and ways to win and so here, instead of judging or reacting or wanting to even in a way hold onto this within saying “fuck, is this me?” – see that it is and thus the process I walk to stop, clear it out/stop it and forgive it and no longer accept and allow it as who I am as the expression of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the mind as who I am as what exists within/as me in/as the totality of me – as I see how I move within my process and moments of realization that I am existing within/as my ego – realizing yes, that is why I am applying these tools of self forgiveness, self honesty, breathing, writing, self corrective statements, self corrective application, because I have already seen/realized/understood that this world reflects who I am as a being and what I have already seen within me is characters and personalities that I dress up in as my ego attempting to portray myself in the best way possible – always presenting an image – an illusion, as all humans currently do and thus revealing we are not actually living – we are not actually life and so here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from this realization and from the process I have been and must continue walking to see ALL of the deception, dishonesty and illusions that I exist within – I must face it before I can understand it and only then will I be able to change it

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to so absolutely attempt to hold onto my ego as self definition and the presentations I want others to see me as, revealing I am always existing within fear as I exist this way so that others will like and accept me and I will have a special place and purpose in this world  – revealing I am existing within myself as a way that is not acceptable, as I expect others to do this for me, because I am not doing it for myself and if I were living in ways that are acceptable, I would no longer require to play this part as ego in attempting to get this from others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my ego in moments when I see more of me, as who I am within the decision I make, the actions I take, the words I speak – react when I see I was not ‘here’ or ‘clear’ or could have been brutally self honest but instead see myself remaining the same in protecting/not wanting to let go of who I am as my ego in fear of somehow I will lose something – I will miss out on something, when I already exist in such a way, as I suppress myself as the expression of life for an illusion that I have made up as how to define myself within this world that only sustains it’s current existence – destruction, abuse, manipulation, deception, greed, war, competition, comparisons, polarity and thus no equality - no actual quality of life

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that to react to who I am as what I see within/as myself throughout this journey to life as the process of walking through my mind to get to the source of me that is of/as life – is to separate myself from my own creation; of who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become in this life, throughout my life – how I have constructed my self definition as ego through family, media, entertainment, society, language, friends – all relationships that are of this world, I have accepted and gone for the ride, creating a being that would be safe and secure in this world – and so as I walk this process of facing myself I realize to react to me as what I see, is to stand in separation of the responsibility I have as what I have created as me and so the first step is to stop reacting to me – stop separating me from/as my mind and realizing it is me – the accepted lesser version of me that I Have allowed myself to live out in this world and will take a process as my journey to life to deconstruct, get to know, understand, investigate and ultimately stop and remove all that is not of life as what is best for all – and so I commit myself to stop these reactions towards myself, towards what I see is here as me, how I live, how I speak, what I share, when I fuck up, when I fall, the decisions I make, the actions I take – instead I take it breath by breath to support myself within absolute self honesty in EACH moment, to be able to support myself to see in each moment who I am and the starting point from which I move, to no longer accept and allow the automation of how I have always existed exist, but to instead face the truth of me, that is of my mind, that is of this world and stand responsible in no longer accepting and allowing it – reaction is not responsible, it is claiming innocence – when it is clear to see in our world, no one is innocent thus all must become responsible and this I see starts with me.

When and as I see myself reacting towards myself in coming to understand and see more clearly the ego that is me - who I am within/as my mind and the dishonesty and deception that exists as me as attempting to portray an image and thus not living as life, I stop and I breathe and I do not allow myself to react to me, to what I see as who I am in moments where I am not standing in self honesty - instead I breathe and stop all reactions towards me as I see/realize/understand that to react to me, to what I see as me in moments that I act out my ego, is to separate myself and thus not standing equal to and one with me as my mind and I realize that I must become equal to what is here as me and that is currently an accepted lesser version of me that dwells in the depths of deception as my mind always moving in ways to be better and more and righteous in my ways and so here I commit myself to stop reacting towards myself as my mind and instead become responsible for me as my mind, as I peel back the layers I have created to hide the truth of me - as I walk this process and uncover the truth, I do not allow myself to react to me - instead I face me, I stand responsible for me, I forgive me and I correct me as I see/realize/understand that what must be walked is through the shadows of the mind that hide who I really am and so I commit myself to continue my process of getting to know myself without reactions or judgments or fear towards myself and instead as the directive force that will stop all of me that is not what is best for all

I commit myself to equalize myself with me as my mind; all thoughts, all emotions, all feelings, all reaction, all judgments, all opinions, all belief, all definitions - realizing that only once I become equal can I then become the change



Featured Artwork by: Marlen Vargas Del Razo

The Journey to Lifers

Equal Life Foundation

Basic Income Guaranteed 

Take Responsibility for what is HERE as this world, within AND without:
Desteni
Equal Money
DIP Lite Course (FREE)
DIP Pro
Eqafe (Self Perfection music, books, audio, etc)

28 August 2013

241: Living the Dream? Time to Wake Up.

Today everyone is revisiting Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr's speech, "I have a Dream." Addressed 50 years ago today, August 28th, 1963. This speech tends to rekindle some feeling reaction of hope and change in the minds of men, yet the words still exist without life. Because it's still a dream, the equality of All men. 50 years later and we are still asleep, dreaming instead of living these words.

Just shy of two years later Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr gave another speech, although this speech was a sermon; presented on July 4th, 1965. I read, "The American Dream" by Dr. King, Jr for an American Studies class today and considered his words carefully as so many are looking at the "I have a Dream" speech.

So here I will share with you his words from "The American Dream." (Encyclopedia of Race and Racism)

"I stood with many of you who stood there in person and all of you who were there in spirit before the Lincoln Monument in Washington. As I came to the end of my speech there, I tried to tell the nation about a dream I had. I must confess to you this morning that since that sweltering August afternoon in 1963, my dream has often turned into a nightmare; I’ve seen it shattered. . . . I’ve seen my dream shattered as I’ve walked the streets of Chicago and seen Negroes, young men and women, with a sense of utter hopelessness because they can’t find any jobs. And they see life as a long and desolate corridor with no exit signs. And not only Negroes at this point. I’ve seen my dream shattered because I’ve been through Appalachia, and I’ve seen my white brothers along with Negroes living in poverty. And I’m concerned about white poverty as much as I’m concerned about Negro poverty. 

So yes, the dream has been shattered, and I have had my nightmarish experiences, but I tell you this morning once more that I haven’t lost the faith. l still have a dream that one day all of God’s children will have food and clothing and material well-being for their bodies, culture and education for their minds, and freedom for their spirits. 

I still have a dream this morning: one day all of God’s black children will be respected like his white children. 

I still have a dream this morning that one day the lion and the lamb will lie down together, and every man will sit under his own vine and fig tree and none shall be afraid.

I still have a dream this morning that one day all men everywhere will recognize that out of one blood God made all men to dwell upon the face of the earth. 

I still have a dream this morning that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill will be made low; the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places straight; and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

‘‘We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.’’ (317)

He may of had a dream but they have yet to be made manifest. The dream seems to have turned into a nightmare as we see more and more poverty, more and more war, more and more violence, more and more separation and inequality. The problem is we do not live these words, these principles that we can see clearly are undeniable and best for all.

"All men are created Equal" simply seen by us being all flesh and bone; required to eat and drink and sleep, be housed and educated. Yet we have created a world where you are not honored within this equality as life. One is born into this world with the inalienable rights denied. We see them, we speak them, yet they are not giving to all equally.

We have created a monetary system that ensures without it's security and safety, you are not gifted with your right to life. Because we do not honor our basic human rights, we cannot say his 'dream' is real.

Perhaps we have had small victories in equality here and there - but within the basic foundation as the substantial matters that count most in this world - where ALL are fed, ALL are provided with clean water, ALL are given access to home and electricity, ALL have access to healthy nutrition. ALL are given the ability to provide these things for themselves with work... we have not come far. If anything we have walked backyards into our dreamworld in thinking somehow we have made some success -with equality in marriage or equality of race. Or we somehow our lives work (because we have money) so we don't question anything. Really it's been the equality of our enslavement.... as the poor get poorer and the rich get richer, the dumb and numb become the vast population. We watch reality TV and comment on celebrities shortcomings. We fight for our right to guns. We rape our land and kill other species. We consume and take and fight and fall. We blame, rape and kill each other. We ignore each other. We compete and compare and hide secretly our spite within our Minds.

We Cannot even see this is the Reality of Our World. We Dare to say it's not. We do not stand in the shoes of others. We do not love our neighbors as ourselves. We do not give to each other what we would like to receive. We do not investigate all things, we stay trapped in our individual pursuit of positivity, thinking this will make life better. We think fighting and yelling and standing in crowds will sway those in power to give up their position. We give in to our believed self-limitations that we cannot possible move ourselves into such positions. We do not see we must be the change, forgive ourselves, each other and start over as stopping our current accepted outflow of who we are as a whole. We have separated ourselves from the Living word as Living Principles - we Do not realize what is Best for All is Best for Ourselves. We cannot see how our actions influence this world to be what it is. We do not think we are responsible. We do not realize we must be the change we wish to see in this world. We have not yet realized we must LIVE our change as physical actions.

The solution has always been here and is so simple if we would just dare to open our eyes; to wake from our slumber, lost in our Minds. If we would only realize the ability we have to make manifest a world that is reflected in his words, in the best interest of all, if only we would stop chasing our highs and our own individual pursuit of happiness - if we dared to see our reality for what it is and not how we would like to imagine it. If only we could see the bubble we exist within in our own minds and if only we could pop them ourselves. If only we could realize the reality of who we are is reflected in this physical reality and as ALL.

We have all fell for the illusion that somehow we have made progress, when still there is poverty, war, rap, drug abuse, exploitation of life in ALL it's form... we have gone deeper into our sleeping state and yet to wake up.

The simple solution is seen within the problem. Money is our God. Money holds the value. Without Money in our pockets, there is no life, liberty or pursuit of happiness. Without basic human rights given to all as an UNDENIABLE right as our equality made real. We would live in a much different world. 50 years ago Dr. King, Jr saw the problem and within it, the solution:

"And I said to myself that these people who constitute the ground crew are just as significant as the pilot, because this plane couldn’t move if you didn’t have the ground crew. 

I submit to you that in Hugh Spaulding or Grady Hospital, the woman or the man who goes in there to sweep the floor is just as significant as the doctor, because if he doesn’t get that dust off the floor, germs will begin to circulate. And those same germs can do injury and harm to the human being. 

I submit to you this morning that there is dignity in all work when we learn to pay people decent wages. Whoever cooks in your house, whoever sweeps the floor in your house is just as significant as anybody who lives in that house... and I want to see them get the kind of wages that they need. And their job is no longer a menial job, for you come to see its worth and its dignity. 

Are we really taking this thing seriously? ‘‘All men are created equal.’’ And that means that every man who lives in a slum today is just as significant as John D., Nelson, or any other Rockefeller. Every man who lives in the slum is just as significant as Henry Ford. All men are created equal, and they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, rights that can’t be separated from you" (318)




Give All a Guaranteed Living Wage; give All the ability to LIVE; give all the opportunity of starting in this world within equality to express themselves freely, to create a life of dignity; as you would give to yourself. Only then can we say we have created a World where we can make our dreams come true.

Investigate Basic Income Guaranteed as a foundation for All life to be lifted out of the depth of our self accepted and allowed and created despair. Become a part of the Solution.

Investigate Desteni I Process Lite to wake yourself from your slumber and becoming the Living Change Required in this World - stand within the Responsibility of Who you are as an Equal in this World.

27 August 2013

Day 240: A Road Less Traveled

A Fall is not a Failure - this is a process of Self Perfection - Perfecting ourselves as we Go. We walk, we fall, we stand, we make mistakes, we learn - we do it until we get it right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall within my commitment in not taking a nap for 21 days

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure because I fell on taking a nap today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my habit to napping as something easy I should be able to stop and to within this define myself as useless in not being able to do just an easy thing as stopping naps for 21 days

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect this of myself, in building myself up as being so ‘good’ in stopping a habit yet not being able to actually walk the physical commitment of stopping – creating myself within a high of superiority and then having to prove myself that I am not by falling and not sticking to the physical walk and daily process of stopping my habit of napping

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the moment of being able to stop and then deciding to go for it anyway, giving in in that moment despite the script I had written for myself as the correction I can live in not accepting and allowing myself to give into the temptation of my mind as I tell myself that I must nap – that the day is too long and I am too tired and a nap would be a cure for my avoidance

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to make my 21 days of no napping about napping when it’s in fact not about napping, as napping is the consequential outflow, the manifested consequences I have created as physical actions I live out from my participation in self defeat, limitation and resistance where I resist doing the things I see necessary in a day, or where I can expand myself within certain activities, where I can direct myself in supporting myself through certain actions and yet I don’t “want” to do these things and thus turn to napping as a way to run and hide

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within what is possible in a day, where I have created a routine for myself in my day of daily responsibilities and once these are done I am free within the time I have available to do more, to expand myself within different skills or activities as actually applying myself and giving myself the time to learn and grow and develop and yet when my ‘routine’ of what I have accepted as my tolerance is done, not push myself beyond this, say this is enough, I have essentially giving myself the ‘okay’ to do what I usually do but not move beyond this and use the disguise of “im tired’ and ‘enjoying naps’ to be the justification to not expand myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not address the cause of my habit of napping as the deliberate avoidance of certain activities and time available I have to utilize in actually expanding who I am within this reality and instead decide to nap as a way to keep myself contained within the limitations I have placed around me – as saying that “if I do this, then this is enough and I cannot possibly do more than this”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within my days in thinking and believing that I cannot learn more, develop more, push myself through certain activities and tasks that could actually support me in this world to live within my potential, and instead choose to remain the same as the tolerance I have accepted of what I will change

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within what I can change about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within what I can change in how I live

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within how I perceive what I am capable of

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to settle of a lesser version of me that is okay to push a little bit but not beyond this – beyond the borders I have placed as ‘acceptable change’ realizing that I am still limiting myself within who I am as a being and not willing to push beyond it – to see what lies behind the lies I tell myself within my mind of what I am actually capable of in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I cannot possibly direct myself in moments where I don’t have something on my schedule and where I have time available that is free for me to do more than what I have accepted as acceptable change/development and to within this not take advantage of the moments I have given myself as the opportunity to become self directive within self movement – making the decision and commitment to no longer accept anything less than who I am as life and to stand within this in pushing in every moment to be fully who I am capable of as my potential as I see/realize/understand still how much I am limiting myself within my process of change

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process in such a way where I justify a little bit of change as ‘being enough’ and within this, feel satisfied and not face the fact that within self honesty I see that I am giving myself excuses and justifications to not go beyond the borders of self limitation, of resistance, of fear, of avoidance in trusting these experiences in relations to points in my life that could actually prove to be a benefit to me in developing myself and my ability to live within principles of integrity and trust as self expression and effectiveness as a human being in this world, letting go of the brainwashing and programming I have said is me and instead actually live the potential within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never think about or consider the potential that is here as me, as I never thought of myself as having potential through a self created, accepted and allowed self belief that I am not good enough, not worthy enough, ‘this is the way I am’ and that is all I will ever be

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question this belief that “this is who I am and that’s all I will ever be” in actually believing that I cannot decide who I will be and thus live this into physical reality – as a physical being – living within principles of no longer limitation but exploring the possibilities and potential that is here if I would just dare to stop this self abuse as limitation and doubt that I cannot possible change beyond what is comfortable for me

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to become complacent in my process of change in thinking and believing “I have changed enough” and to within this, limit myself within not actually moving beyond what is currently here as me as I see/realize there is potential within me – I see how I am limiting and diminishing myself – and I see what must be done so why oh why would I accept this of myself – because I have defined these moments of change has hard and the road most traveled as in what I have always done – that is easier and thus take the easy road in life, not realizing that I am accepting a lesser version of me and so here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the lesser version of me as taking the easy road in life, in not utilizing the words I have placed for myself as the correction I realize must be walked and see when it must be applied and how in such moments of decision to either fall or stand, as daunting the stand is – and how easy I think the other choice is, I can make it through and what I believed to be difficult was only for a moment as what I was accepting of myself and once I no longer accept it I realize it was not real because I am still here and so I commit myself to when and as I see myself in the moment of choice, the moment of change, not utilizing the correction as the words as me placed here to support myself in such very moments, stop and breathe and while I contemplate that moment of either falling or standing – breathe, breathe until there is no more influence in either direction, breathe until I am here, breathe until what remains is me as my physical breath, standing within my physical body – standing within this physical reality, here and thus make the decision that is best for me and is best for all as standing within the principle of no longer accepting a lesser version of me – no longer accepting and allowing myself to take the easy road, but dare to see what is beyond the lies of my mind as who I have accepted myself to be

I commit myself to re-walk my process of 21 days of no naps and take the focus off of the naps and back to where it belongs – what is here as me, within my mind, as my thoughts, feelings, emotions and beliefs about me that tell me I cannot possibly move beyond who I currently am, that I cannot possibly change

I commit myself to realize that I can change

I commit myself to realize that change might be difficult but is worth it as I am gifting myself with the ability to live a life to my full potential in no longer accepting a limited version of me

I commit myself to realize that what I have changed is not enough as I still accept and allow limitation

I commit myself to make the decision and commitment to actually change me – to not only write myself out daily, to self forgive daily, to self corrective statements – but to actually LIVE the change as the corrective application realizing that anything I do to prepare myself is useless if I am not living that change and so here I commit myself to walk myself through the process of actual, real, physical, practical change in living corrective application – to actually utilize the scripts I have written as self forgiveness and corrective statements – to take this knowledge and information and realizations and insights and actually APPLY them in my day to day life, no longer giving in that moment where it matters – where I face the decision of who I am, what I live, and where I am going – the easy road or the road less traveled 


Featured Artwork by: Marlen Vargas Del Razo and Maya Harel

The Journey to Lifers

Equal Life Foundation

Basic Income Guaranteed 

Take Responsibility for what is HERE as this world, within AND without:
Desteni
Equal Money
DIP Lite Course (FREE)
DIP Pro
Eqafe (Self Perfection music, books, audio, etc)


26 August 2013

239: One Small Step of Support

Here are more points I am facing as walking a 21-Day process of No Naps.

This is day 3. 
Today was overall cool in terms of not ‘feeling’ like I required to nap. I did go into a bit of “I'm tired” mode while I was in class, with the yawning and slouching a bit in my chair, yet I kept breathing and sitting up and moving myself physically as being present, here, paying attention to what was being said, hearing the words of the professor. I was grateful to be in class as this point came up of ‘feeling tired’ because obviously I was not in the environment to sleep, and as expected, the experience passed.

Currently in my city it is like 100 degrees outside. HOT. And I live on the 3rd floor with no air conditioning. The main parts of the house do have air conditioning, yet my room is ‘bearable’ in that I have lived in this type of heat for the last 2 summers and have become use to it. But I see that this tiredness character comes in when I am reading or doing work while sitting in my room – in the heat box and how I wanted to use that as an excuse to 'take a nap'.

I could easily bring myself downstairs to cool off, instead I sit in the heat and think about sleeping. Lol – I did not give in, yet it’s interesting how that point comes up also in relation to the weather. I realize that the body can overheat and sweat enough and become dehydrated, and I have been drinking a lot of water all day, so I did not see physically any concern about the heat in relation to my body and the tiredness was restricted within just thoughts in my mind. So I did not allow it to influence me and instead did things to bring myself back here, directing myself back to what I was doing in the moment.

During some studying and looking through some course material online for one of my classes, I found myself wanting to go to sleep; to go to bed early. There was still a few hours at least before I usually ‘call it a night’ as well as some responsibilities left to be done that I have committed myself to do daily and so I saw that I required to stop this back chatting as trying to convince myself to just go to sleep already and instead push through this moment, breathe, stand and continue on. As I was getting into one of the daily responsibilities this evening, I really ‘fell’ into this tiredness character of really just wanting to go to sleep. It’s interesting how whiny the mind becomes when we do not give it what it wants, “come on already – just go to sleep… I’m so tired, this stuff can be done tomorrow… really… it’s bed time” lol – this is the moment I decided to come write it out and apply self forgiveness as to support myself in not being directed by these thoughts; to give myself the full advantage of a day, to complete what is necessary and to not leave anything hanging and then go to bed with this stuff hanging over my head – or trailing behind me as the consequences of my sleeping habit creates – a pile of stuff waiting for me that does not go away but only cause anxiety about it not being done/directed yet. So instead of creating more consequences for myself, instead I choose to face the manifested consequence of this character – this sleepy being that wants to sleep all the time, breathe in this moment of thinking I am tired, assert myself here through physically changing my body; how I am sitting within myself/my body, getting up even for a stretch - back into the physical reality, breathe and continue on. One small step of support I can gift myself with as I walk my process of self change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to convince myself as thoughts and back chats that it’s okay to sleep as not directing myself within my daily responsibilities and commitments after I have given myself the commitment of stopping for 21 days this character that thinks it 'needs to sleep'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to find ways that justify me avoiding my responsibilities – using sleep as an excuse that I can not follow through on my daily commitments and that somehow I am right in doing so, instead of seeing/realize/understanding the cycle I create when I participate in this behavior/pattern – creating the same shit over and over again of not taking care of what is necessary in a day and creating a pile of shit I must add to the next day – dragging the past along with me as I move, in not addressing each point in the moment it is 'here' to be dealt with -  instead of doing all I can in every single moment of every single day as to be able to completely let go at the end of the day, I can let go as laying down – satisfied with what I have done, knowing I applied myself to the best of my ability and there are no regrets or shame or guilt for giving into the programming I have accepted of myself as using naps/sleep to not follow through with my commitments and responsibilities

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to blame the heat for my experience of wanting to take a nap/go to sleep– in thinking and believing and justifying within my mind that it’s okay for me to nap/go to sleep because it’s so hot, when this is not rational as I can simply bring myself into a part of the house that is not as hot, and cool myself off and thus then use no excuse as to not have to stand within my daily responsibilities and commitments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the experience of being tired and try to convince myself that what I am telling myself within my mind is absolutely right and that I should follow these thoughts instead of realizing and seeing that I would only be following a program – a character in which I have created that sleeps instead of moving, that avoids instead of directing, that does not live the process of change I tell myself I am walking – and so here I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless to my experience in the moment of feeling tired and wanting to give into napping/sleeping instead of realizing that this is a manifested consequence I must walk through, stand and walk through as who I have created myself as and thus the initial stopping process might be difficult, but it is possible and the only way to actually change myself - physically and for real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value more the experience of myself as being real instead of standing within the real physical work required to be done still within my day and seeing if I were to stop the excuses and justifications and ways I’ve attempted to not change, such as napping, then I would actually be living change – real, physical change, directing and moving myself through physical work such as writing or reading or cleaning or anything else I have given to myself as a daily responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is so hard to change instead of realizing it only require a decision within me that decides the process to be walked – to lay it out for myself as a commitment I will live and then actually living it – doing it – realizing at first it might be difficult and I might have to push myself through resistance and an internal battle to remain the same – yet I realize it must be done as it’s the only way to be done as the process of reprogramming myself to live in each moment as what is best for all – to stop the nature of me that does not support life in any way and instead live here, physically and practically to stand within the potential I have as being an actual effective being in this world, doing what is necessary to be done in each moment and each day to ensure I create myself in such a way that is best for all – best for this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up in the moments when it seems like it will never end – the experience of myself that I usually follow and fall within – where the back chats seem so real and valid and my physical experience backs up the back chats – instead of realizing the opportunity I have within that moment of actually stopping and standing – realizing this is the moment I must stand as it’s the moment of change and as I do, I see/realize/understand how much easier change becomes, because I am allowing myself to live it – every time I stand, I allow myself to change and so here I commit myself to continue giving myself these moments of change where I see that despite my experience tells me I will never make it, I will never ‘get through’ – I realize I can stop, breathe and stand and thus I commit myself to gift this to myself, to give myself this moment of self support and self trust realizing that once I stand, I become more stable within who I am as directive principle of me; seeing through the veil of deception that exists as my mind and no longer accepting anything less who I am here as the physical living breath – I breathe and I walk, giving myself the support required to get this done


Featured Artwork by: Andrew Gable and Joe Kou

The Journey to Lifers

Equal Life Foundation

Basic Income Guaranteed 

Take Responsibility for what is HERE as this world, within AND without:
Desteni
Equal Money
DIP Lite Course (FREE)
DIP Pro
Eqafe (Self Perfection music, books, audio, etc)

25 August 2013

238: No Naps reveals a Slave to Energy

Today is day two of no naps. Yesterday was an easy day to walk through in terms of making sure I did not allow myself to go into napping as I was up late the night before, and slept later into the day and had just more than a few hours before work. So I was up, did what I had to do in terms of responsibilities and then went to work. I did see however on my way to work the point came up of ‘wanting to sleep’ – where I had the thought, “ I am tired” and the physical consequence of my eyes becoming heavy and in this justifying that yes, man I really want to nap. Obviously I could not as I was on my way to work, but I gave into that experience through the back chats of “fuck this, I don’t want to work, I’d rather take a nap” and “how am I going to be able to get through this work shift” and “this is going to be a struggle” and so basically creating my whole experience for the night/work shift as being difficult and a struggle in ‘pushing myself’ through in ‘having to be at work’ when really I just wanted to be home sleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a thought of “I am tired” and to within this create an experience of myself as ‘wanting to sleep’ as I was driving into work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through this participation and experience of myself as ‘wanting to sleep’ go into the physical consequence of my eyes becoming heavy and a heaviness in general over my physical body as a depletion of energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then, without the energy as a driving force to move me, believe that I am actually tired and to equate this to needing to sleep/take a nap

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in this moment, exist within the back chats as validating and justifying my participation within the mind as saying, “fuck this, I don’t want to work, I’d rather take a nap and how am I going to be able to get through this work shift and this is going to be a struggle” as basically accepting the internal experience that I generated through such beliefs and back chats instead of realizing the ability I had in that moment to stop and not accept and allow myself to participate in the points that were fueling this draining of energy which reveal the dependency on energy I have accepted where I think if I have ‘no energy’ than I am tired and cannot possibly move myself or direct myself in how I experience myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent upon energy to move me where if I experience a depletion of energy and the thoughts and back chats that are telling me “Im tired and I must go to sleep/take a nap” trust this and follow this in thinking that this is my experience and there is no way to change it and thus I will have a ‘hard time’ moving myself as I have to be at work despite my want to be sleeping

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be present with/as myself in the moment as driving to work and being at work, actually in the moment of my physical reality, my environment and being an active participant with/as/through breathing and instead exist as this experience within my mind of being 'tired' and then defining and accepting my whole night at work to be that of a struggle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate, generate and accept the experience of being tired through back chats in my mind and in this accept it as ‘the way it is’ and then go into the experience that there is nothing I can do, I must work and so within this feel as if I have to fight my way through the work shift in moving through this lack of energy instead of simply stopping the belief of the need of energy, taking a breath, standing up within myself, sitting up physically and asserting myself here, in/as my physical and the directive principle of how I experience myself and thus not accepting and allowing this tiredness experience as I see/realize/understand I created it all through participating in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I have no energy I cannot move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am tired, then I am a slave to this tiredness and I must follow the instructions of my mind as the tiredness experience that says I must sleep

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to give in and give up on myself as directive principle through believing in the experience and thoughts of having ‘no energy’ and thus being tired instead of looking at the common sense reality that there would be no reason for me to be tired, physically and for real, because I had only been up for more than a few hours and slept well the night before and so here proving to myself that the ‘tiredness experience’ was a way to deceive myself into participating within the mind, following the thoughts to get me to follow the energy

When and as I see myself going into my thoughts and back chats that depict me being tired and wanting to take a nap and allowing this to lead to physical consequence of actually creating a tiredness experience, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back within my standing of me here, me asserting myself in/as the physical body in physical reality and sitting up physically within myself as to wake myself up, bring myself back here, out of the mind and the experience of ‘no energy’ I was creating and accepting and allowing and instead see/realize/understand that I do not require energy to move me and the tiredness experience is a lack of energy and thus my desire to then go to sleep would be to recharge myself as the mind in it’s dependency on energy and so here I commit myself to stop myself as the mind in existing for energy in all ways I seek it and instead to breathe here, realize that I am not my mind and I must stop my addiction to energy and instead change myself to stand here, without the need of energy, to move myself, direct myself, breathe myself back to life in no longer being a slave to energy

Today on day two I saw the point come up more extensively.

I worked the day shift/afternoon shift at work and see how I have created a habit of ‘wanting’ to take a nap after work where I will tell myself, “I worked hard, and my job is physically demanding and so I can take a nap” – I realize this can be cool support, however today the point came up immediately after I got off work and I went into irritation because I could not go into my normal habit of going home and taking a nap after work. Instead I had plans to meet my parents for dinner and within this I did not want to go. I wanted to instead go home and take a nap. Within the back chat of “I’m too tired, I don’t want to go, I want to just go home and sleep” and again this point of feeling like I had ‘no energy’ as the back chats kept coming up and I, participating within them as I saw how my experience changed the moment I allowed myself to believe and participate in this experience creation of mine – I become tired and irritated and expressed this irritation to my mother. I saw what I was doing in that moment and because of the support of the 21 days of no napping – I realized what I was trying to do in that moment. And then I realized that oh yes, I am stopping this point – this energy refueling point I have created within and as napping. So I realized fuck – this is the point, I cannot go to nap, I have to meet my parents. In the past I have actually made decisions to break my plans and instead follow the thoughts that lead me to my energy source. I saw this point today, yet I did not allow myself to accept it of me. And then the moment of truth, asking myself “do I have to walk this 21 days” lol

It’s so interesting to see how the mind moves and ways it will come up to justify it’s programmed existence in wanting to ‘stay the same’ in terms of the habits we create, we become use to and think we cannot possible change our ways. So I realized that I would not be going home, I would not be napping and I would be going to meet my parents. The irritation I stopped with breathing as I saw that it was not cool how I was expressing myself, although I allowed it for longer than necessary, even when I saw what I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated when I do not get my way in terms of the ability to live out my programming in how I have created myself through behaviors and patterns and habits and so when I stop this participation in certain behaviors and patterns, become irritated and want to exert this unto others as if ‘they’ are to be blamed for how I experience myself, instead of realizing it is a manifested consequence I must walk through as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and thus I must become responsible in not accepting and allowing myself to project my responsibility and my experience unto others and instead remain within the point of self responsibility, bringing all points back to myself, not allowing myself to blame anyone for what I have done to myself in terms of creating a relationship towards napping that I Have used to get energy and so when I stop become irritated and want to blame others for my experience

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to manifest the consequence of myself as becoming dependent upon naps after I get of work to the point where I become irritated if I do not ‘get what I want’ when I do not allow myself to go into my usual habit or pattern and instead decide to direct myself and so here I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in such a way where I must walk a process to change myself as 21 days of no napping instead of stopping in one moment, in one breath and not accepting anything less than who I am here as each moment as each breath where I am not dependent upon energy to direct or move me but I decide within who I am how I experience myself and what I will do and so here realizing/confirming points I have already seen at the extent to which we have programmed ourselves and what it will take to actually walk ourselves as changing our 'nature'

And so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the relationship I have created towards napping where I think I must follow the instructions of my mind that I Have allowed myself to believe, accept and follow when back chats tell me, I wish I could nap instead or I always nap after work because it was hard and I need to rest instead of realizing that if I were here directing myself as breath, I would be standing within/as my physical and thus not requiring energy or lack of energy to move me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself the moment I realized I was within the energy of irritation as a reaction to not giving into the habit I have created of going to nap after work and instead exert this irritation towards others instead of stopping, breathing and taking responsibility for myself as what I Have created as me in relation to napping and how I have used it to get energy and when I stop this point, becoming irritated and thus realize it’s no one’s responsibility but my own and so here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my self responsibility onto others instead of standing within my own self responsibility as the one that participated in habitual patterns as programming myself to exist in ways that are not best for all/me but instead only sustain the energy addiction I have created within/as myself within/as this world

When and as I see myself becoming or participating within the reaction of irritation in relation to stopping habits/behaviors/patterns that I have programmed myself within/as I stop and I breathe and do not allow myself to participate and instead  bring myself back to me here, back as the directive principle and no longer allowing myself to validate my experience that I am walking a process out of - as giving into the experiences I create through the participation within my mind that tell me I'm tired or irritated and instead make the decision in each moment of who I am, how I will live and thus always standing within self responsibility for how I have created myself throughout my life as I see/realize/understand that I am the only one that creates my relationship towards everything/all things here and so I commit myself to stand self responsible as I face and walk through the manifested consequences of/as myself as that which I have accepted of myself through my living actions and habits and no longer project this unto others or my experiences in relation to stopping as being irritated unto others, instead I re-direct myself into standing here without the expression of energy

The point of ‘wanting to nap’ as the physical experience of ‘being tired’ was with me for a few hours at least. While at dinner and once even I got home and realized how easily I could have, and how naturally I have in the past, would take such a moment as being prime for nap time - lol. I saw this moment as a moment of truth in terms of I would have to stop, stand and direct myself to not go into the point and thus I looked at what I could do instead, what needed to be done, what I would have normally avoided in such instances. So I decided I would push myself through and not give in as I have seen in stopping such points before that the moment of “I can’t do this, I am sooo tired” comes and as real as we think it is, it too shall pass. And after some time of participating on the forums, checking my email, getting some laundry done, I was back here, stable and not within the experience of being tired. Although it did come and go, it was cool to simply stop and realize that as much as I ‘think’ I want to take a nap, I will not do so as I see I can commit myself to this point – to walking this redefinition of myself within napping and the process it will take to do so. So gratitude for myself in these moments for not giving in.

I also thought about wanting to go to bed early in justifying this point of “I am so tired, I will go to bed early tonight and make sure I get a nice rest for tomorrow” and this is also within fear of not sleeping enough and thus fear the experience again of wanting to take a nap if I did not get enough sleep and how uncomfortable I would be if I were to want to nap but not allow myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to justify my napping character through back chatting to myself that I will go to bed early within the starting point of fear – fear of facing myself as this character that naps and thinks I cannot go a day without it

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the experience of myself of wanting to nap but not allowing myself to as being tired and having to push through and stand and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this fear, not realize my self directive ability to make a decision  and no longer accept and allow me as my mind or the energy fluctuation to influence me or determine what I do in movements (moments) and that I can in fact decide how I live and what I will live and who I will be within it

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to, within the fear of not getting enough sleep and having to face being tired and wanting to take a nap, attempt to not face the responsibility I have of actually changing, of facing that moment where I would tempt myself to give in and instead actually stand within the directive principle of myself to not allow it – to actually direct myself in that moment of not following the belief of the need for energy and instead breathe and physically be here, participating in physical reality as what it necessary to be done in the moment/in my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being tired and wanting to take a nap and not allowing myself to as being uncomfortable and so within this definition resist this experience and thus want to go to bed early

So these are some of the points I am currently facing/have faced since starting this 21 days of no naps. I realize it’s really not about the naps or sleeping – it’s really about the relationship I have with energy and how I depend on it so much to direct me and move me. And so this is part of the greater process in stopping my dependency on energy and realizing that the process I am walking is that of standing equal with the physical, with the breath, with life that does not require any source outside of me to move me and thus ultimately I must get myself to the point where I can move me without the need of energy. We have created ourselves as slaves to energy and have designed it to come is so many forms as our experience; our thoughts, feelings, emotions - yet have never realized that the only real experience here in this existence, this reality – is one that is/as/of the breath – with/as/of the physical body. That is when I am Here and that is when I no longer enslaved. That is when I am directive principle of Me. That is when I am actually awake.


Featured Artwork by: Marlen Vargas Del Razo and Desteni Artists

The Journey to Lifers

Equal Life Foundation

Basic Income Guaranteed 

Take Responsibility for what is HERE as this world, within AND without:
Desteni
Equal Money
DIP Lite Course (FREE)
DIP Pro
Eqafe (Self Perfection music, books, audio, etc)

24 August 2013

237: Naps and The Nature of Addictions

In my previous blog I was discussing the point of lists and how through writing down all the points I was seeing within me that I wanted to do, wanted to direct, wanted to give attention to, but had not yet done - I found stability and a release from the experience I was having as not being very clear and having all these things mulling around inside of me. And in turn created such an experience throughout my days.

So in the list I made, 4 things were laid out for me to face and ultimately give myself direction with. Since writing the list I see another point that is more of a priority than what I had actually written down because it's a point that supports in providing the time required to do the others things from my list. And it's a point that has been cycling throughout my life where I give into the action in an act of self dishonesty - as hiding from myself/not facing myself, in avoiding things, in giving up - not actually moving myself.

The point here is napping. lol - oh innocent naps - it's not 'you' - it's me! Naps are cool and I have been able to apply them as actual self support and support for the body, however as of recently, they have been to avoid, resist and suppress walking through certain points in my day. An act of giving up actually. Like, "Oh, I cannot do this, this is too much... oh cool, I think I'm tired, I would like to 'rest', sleep is nice and cozy and I don't have to do anything or think about anything, I can just escape to my bed."

Off topic for a moment here, for those that have been following my blog - the 'list' I am referring to and the points placed for me to give direction to, the last one was specifically the 'point' I was requiring to face, "the addiction" lol - sounds vague? Ok - I will reveal here it's an addiction to smoking cigarettes. I have not come out and shared that specifically because of self judgments about it 'being bad' and so this is not standing equal to my addiction. So I share for all to see - Hi, My name is Kristina and I'm addicted to Cigarettes. I also shared this point as placing the words "addiction" because the nature of my relationship with smoking is the same as any other addiction one would face. Whether it to be food, shopping, relationships, porn - whatever, the point remain the same. An outside source or point we use to consume ourselves and our life without any self directive principle within it - the belief 'we need it' and we use to suppress ourselves, to feel good, to lift ourselves up, masked as okay with all sorts of justifications - yet it remain that we are addicted and we cannot stop. So that is the first step - realizing yes, we are addicted yet there are solutions and the ability to stop. So I share my point of addiction in not 'naming it' also to support others - in relating to the nature of the relationship and not so much 'what' we are addicted to. Let's face it - we are addicts, doesn't matter our drug of choice. The behavior and motives and consequences are the same, to a certain extent. Ok - so that is that point.

Back to Naps. No more naps. That is the point I am giving myself direction with here also. I have used naps to not face myself in a whole day and I see I can easily support myself in stopping for 21 days - to redefine my relationship within it, to stop and stand up, to face myself and no longer allow myself to use such a point to escape, instead face what I am trying to escape from.

I have also never really applied self forgiveness or self corrective statements for this point or in relation to sleeping in general, so I will share this as well, what I find I am running and hiding from, why I am thinking I need to nap - so will be sharing the process as I go.

That is it for now - thanks for reading.

Featured Artwork by: Desteni Artists

The Journey to Lifers

Equal Life Foundation

Basic Income Guaranteed 

Take Responsibility for what is HERE as this world, within AND without:
Desteni
Equal Money
DIP Lite Course (FREE)
DIP Pro
Eqafe (Self Perfection music, books, audio, etc)

23 August 2013

236: Addiction and a Point of Change

Today’s experience was pretty similar to yesterdays although I see there was a shift after writing out the points last night and the self forgiveness I went into.

However, my experience was still the same in that it is not how I ‘usually’ experience myself, which is here, enjoying myself, having fun – I mean I would say that is my overall experience within process, stable and able to support myself and enjoying the process. Yet yesterday and today there was like this experience of something not sitting right, and I could not place it and I was feeling overwhelmed and discouraged in relation to where I am within my process.

Going into a chat with another, it was like a slight resistance but also anxiety because I did not want to communicate, yet it’s also like I was sitting on a point, without knowing it, and so in general my experience is not how it usually is when going into chat. You could call it 'a mood.' Which is how I experienced myself - impending doom.

I was not as amused and I was again within the experience of where I could not simply breathe and enjoy myself. Once the communication was turned around towards me, it was like I wanted to communicate about my experience but at the same time I didn't, because I didn't know ‘how to’ explain it. It’s like overall I have this experience of seeing multiple points and I can never specify myself in relation to seeing just one point and see how that is influencing me as my experience – it’s more like there are many, many points all interconnected and intertwined that influence me in a moment and so it’s like I ‘think’ I cannot pin point what exactly is going on with me.

However, through communicating with another about it, feeling like I was not really making sense and their supportive questioning - I got to the point of seeing indeed yes, there were multiple points that have been here within me that I have ‘wanted’ to give direction to, yet I have been allowing them to just sit within me – not directing them, not doing anything with them and depending on the nature of these things as my relationship towards them, some are more influential then others. But overall I realized there were many points I was not giving direction to that I wanted to. So in the chat I made a list and we walked through the list. And it was very cool to write them down and look at each one in terms of what I would like to be doing with them and why I haven’t been doing that. I placed about 4 things on the list – and the very last one of course revealed to be the one I was most resisting in looking at. Because it is an addiction I have continued to allow yet have completely giving up all direction towards sorting out. And in this could see the moment I placed it in writing, communicated about it with another - about where I 'really' was with it - getting to self honesty about it, there was like this weight that came off of me and all of a sudden I was ‘free’ again to be myself.

It was quite interesting how addressing this one point and giving myself at least the smallest of direction with it, in facing the fact that I haven’t and I have basically turned my back to it, which is another form of apathy where I have given up all hopes of ever being able to stop it. This one addiction I can see influence how I experience myself overall in my process. Because I have not taken on this one point, I have not written about it much, I have not really gone into it – really looked at it throughout my life, have basically attempted to ignore it – I see because of this that determines pretty much how I experience myself in relation to all things in my process. Because that is the point of change I am not willing to take on, direct and live. That is the point where I can apply these tools that I have and really prove to myself that I am willing and able to stop and change myself. Yet up until this point, I have not really wanted to. Not really tried. Or when I have stopped it – it has been a temporary moment in time and usually because there is some other external relationship that I can focus my attention on to distract me – but at the moment I find myself alone, that addiction is here and I really think I cannot possibly let it go. And because I have not faced this or actually made the decision to direct myself out of this addiction relationship – I feel like a fraud in my process as a whole – because I am not actually walking myself out of the addiction, supporting myself, directing myself and changing myself. I am accepting this dependency relationship. And in this - making the living statement of "I can't change and I wont change". Essentially compromising myself in all areas of my life because of this one point - which could then be seen as sabotage - sabotaging myself from actually standing up within principles, making the decision of who I am and actually living the correction. Because I allow lenience with this point I allow it in all others points in not becoming absolutely directive and determined to change my ways.

So I am grateful to have been able to communicate this with another, finally seeing what is going on in terms of my experience the last couple days and now be willing to give myself some direction with it. I am going to be writing about this on my own time and I will share I’m sure here and there where I am at with it – yet here I just wanted to share that I see how one relationship as an addiction within myself/my life influences me in more ways than I imagined. And because of my lack of facing this, I created quite the unstable experience for myself. So again, I am grateful to be able to see this and to now walk the process I realize it will be in stopping and directing myself out of it. So patience and breath and using the tools I have to become acquainted with myself as this addiction to then be able to give myself solutions, how to stop and reasons for doing so that are best for all/me.

Another point I will place for myself here - as I have seen/realized/understood within my process of how oh so supportive 'lists' are in sorting out whatever it is we are resisting doing, but have that point of "ok I know I must" and even "Yes, I would like to do this for myself" - even just writing these points down is the first step in the 'right direction' in walking them through. Obviously one then make that decision to actually do it yet if we can support ourselves within this one point of laying it all out for ourselves in terms of what we see we can be doing, but haven't yet allowed ourselves to do - that is a supportive step in directing ourselves towards living in ways we see are best.

Ok that is it for now... will continue on my Journey to Life.


Featured Artwork by: Kelly Posey

The Journey to Lifers

Equal Life Foundation

Basic Income Guaranteed 

Take Responsibility for what is HERE as this world, within AND without:
Desteni
Equal Money
DIP Lite Course (FREE)
DIP Pro
Eqafe (Self Perfection music, books, audio, etc)

Day 235: The Most Difficult Thing - Self Honesty to Shatter our Illusions

At the moment I am experiencing a more exaggerated experience I've had throughout the day – and perhaps another placed the word in communication – apathy.

I saw this experience when seeing on television the Syrian death’s – assuming it was a chemical attack – and many children were suffering because of it. I saw images of people having seizures and laying helpless and looks of pain on their face and the overall environment seemed chaotic. I found myself having the ‘expected’ reaction where I was seeing these images, I realize they are real people, I am expected to react in horror and sadness and yet I felt nothing. It was like I put on the “I feel this – I can’t believe this is happening” face, yet the experience there was nothing. It was like I could not feel for them. And yet the day before I watched a 6 minute documentary about animals being abused for our consumption and I cringed at the images, I didn't want to see but I told myself I must watch this and see what is happening in our world – to actually face it. Yet seeing these Syrian people suffering because of an attack – I cannot say the experience was the same as when I see animals being abused. And this is concerning. This is apathy. This is no real care as I cannot even stand in their shoes and see the atrocities that are happening.

Yet here I must ask myself – do I expect myself to feel something? Yes, to feel shame and motivated to stand up and do something about what is going on in this world. Yet there is this hopelessness, like no matter what I do it’s never enough. It’s never good enough. It’s never producing the results I want and really this reveals the ego that is me – the self interest that is me, because while millions are suffering and being abused for another man’s war, helpless victims to our sick society – I care more about whether what I am doing is coming off as ‘good’ to others. And it’s like I don’t even want to admit this. I don’t want to admit how selfish and greedy and uncaring I am. Although I think of myself to be so caring, all I care about is my personal relationships, how they define me, what kind of energy high I can get from them, what kind of attention I can get, what kind of appraisal I can get. It’s sick actually how much I have placed value on this. And even judgment that I have not allowed myself to sort this out before now. Why only now am I willing to look at this? Because my experience requires it of me, because I am feeling depressed and not satisfied and I see the satisfaction is the mask of seeking self interest. I think I am not satisfied in my process, when really I am not satisfied I am not getting the attention and recognition I think I somehow deserve when it’s clear I deserve none because what have I done for life? I am instead numbing myself to the real life events that are taking place every day because I am too blinded by the energy I am seeking to get - of attention and approval and recognition. I want to stand out and be special and I realize its all bullshit and so why have I continued to allow this?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become apathetic to the daily horrors of our world as when I see images of beings attacking each others and the chaos and pain in creates for other’s, I do not feel a thing, I am numb in fact and instead pretend I care by placing an expression on my face that I think is expected of me – one of disgust and concern, when this is only so others will see me and think “she really cares” – but the truth is I have no experience about it, it does not shock me as it should, back  into reality and willing enough to stand in their shoes and realize what the fuck is going on and stop at nothing to stop it’s existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about the animals that are being abused and suffering on earth more than other humans, where I have become numb to others humans and their lives, where I have been so completely brainwashed to care only about myself that I cannot even feel the pain of another, I cannot stand in their shoes, I cannot understand what I have actually accepted and allowed within this world through my apathy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become apathetic towards this world and what is going on as the daily events that reveal there is some serious problems that require attention and needing to be sorted out and corrected, yet I do not feel an ounce of this urgency because I have consumed myself within my own self interest as the American dream and what I can get from others, and how I can win and achieve more and be recognized for my somehow glorious changes, when in truth I have been only changing ways to justify my ego and the accepted existence of myself – I have not actually been willing to face myself in self honesty, the brutal truth of myself, as I do not even care to face the brutal truth of our world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process In such a way that serve only my self interest, where I only care about me and how I feel and how I look to others and to within this not become self honest about it in every moment, not allowing myself to claim ignorance as I have no excuse with the tools I have here for me in every moment, I have not pushed myself effectively enough to see what is behind the pretty picture, the picture I so desperately hold onto as to preserve my safety in this world, believing somehow I am sheltering myself from the ‘real world’ revealing I only exist in an illusion and here I must realize I must shatter my own illusion, I must break apart my own box that I have confined myself within to not see the truth of myself or this world

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the new layers and dimensions I see within me, that of being apathetic towards our world and what is actually going on and the nature of what is being accepted and allowed – to judge myself for not caring about real life and only caring about the fake life I continue to live within a fake face that I present to keep my ego and self interest alive

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing this to the world as I have feared exposing this to myself because within this there is shame at what I have accepted and allowed, that I have not actually pushed myself to see for real my self honesty, and have only presented myself within my process to remain safe and secure within my self interest of energy addiction

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I am unworthy for what I see as me, and feel I do not deserve a place in this life because I have not cared about this life – I have only cared about the insignificant things in this world that do not matter as they are based within an illusion in my mind of images and pictures that I want to keep as to not let go or lose my perceived position, where others like and accept me and validate me – I have been in fact to scared to see the reality of myself, to become actually self honesty and have walked my process in ways where I remain in tact in my self interest and energy addiction

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and slow myself down when I see myself reacting within my mind, towards myself, towards my experiences, towards my thoughts and emotions and feelings and continue to create this experience of overwhelming-ness where I then go into comparisons and judgments about myself and my process and really it’s because I have not been walking for myself, as my responsibility, but for others and how others will see me and what position I might be able to obtain as somehow being seen and ‘good’ and ‘changing’ when in fact because of my starting point for walking process being to hold onto my self interest and ego, I have not made any progress and thus feel stuck and not moving because I have not been moving myself, I have only presented the illusion of movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my application where I think I am trying to find my ‘structure’ in how I can place my writing and self forgiveness, or how I go about writing my JTL blogs, and within this ‘wanting to be effective’ as how it will effect others and so within this compromise myself within my own process as I am existing within a personality that I want to present so others will like me and look up to me, as I have looked up to others and in this still causing separation as I see some as more than me and others as less than me and not at all standing within the principles of equality and oneness as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the back chat of “I will never get this” in relation to my process and what I am walking – to judge myself within it through comparisons and to diminish or lift myself up depending on who I am comparing myself to and within this fear of sharing these words as I fear I will be judged by others instead of realizing this is a projection of myself – where I am judging others and myself and within this distracting myself from actually walking my process, because I don’t actually want to change because I actually don’t think I can change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I cannot change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think changing is hard and difficult and within this already give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process as a polarity, where I will cycle within myself of ups and downs as the back chats within my mind and here facing the down as the negative polarity cycle I have been playing out whereas last week I was within the positive polarity cycles, and so cycling around myself and finding my experience within my day to day living to be inconsistent and able to change day to day and seeing this is not stability

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to participate in positive back chats within my mind where I tell myself I am doing well, and I am being effective, and I am making process and define myself as my application of writing and self forgiveness to be cool, all within a positive energy charge and thus then become surprised when I find myself within the negative experience, where the back chats is that of I am no good, and I cannot do this, and I am not effective enough and all the while not realizing I am accepting and allowing this whole polarity play out through allowing just one back chat to exist within me, to believe it, to trust it

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to exist as polarity where I trust the positive, yet when the negative comes to equalize itself, I become afraid and overwhelmed and judge myself for what I have been doing, instead of realizing the trap I am existing within as my own creation – not stopping myself from going into the positive self talk as back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my mind is more of a mess than others and to within this think that I cannot possibly sort out what is here as my mind, instead of stopping and breathing and taking one thing on at a time as I see I have essentially walked my process in attempting to take one point on in a day, yet because of the extent-ness of our brainwashed programming – everything is interconnected and so I must realize the time and space it will take to walk one point at a time and stop myself from going into all sorts of points yet not walking them in their entirety, to get the actual understanding of the pattern I am existing within and instead accumulate many points that I start to look at but to do not investigate beyond the initial layer, because I don’t want to through my definition of it being too much and too hard and really not willing to face the truth of myself as I see within these self forgiveness's, I don’t want to admit who I am and what exists within me and so the very same point I started my Journey to Life blog series on – exposing myself. I have projected this ‘fear of exposing myself’ unto others, yet now it’s time to once and for all bring this point back to myself – I fear exposing myself to myself – fear of admitting what I have done wrong, what I have accepted and allowed within me, the truth of me and so within this wanting so desperately to hold onto the image of myself that I Have presented to the world, and to myself in my denial of what is actually here, hidden beneath the layers I have so conveniently covered myself up with – hiding the truth, not becoming humble and not willing to stand in the face of myself and dare to let go of my self interest to become life

I have really not allowed myself to go into myself and sort out the points that come up within me – I skim the surface and justify that as ‘being enough’ – when in reality I don’t want to face reality. Yet I realize this is the self honesty I've been hearing about and that it’s the most difficult thing. Indeed it is as it shatters the illusion we have so whole-heartedly accepted to be real and trusted. I realize the reasons I do not trust myself is because I have not really lived in such a way to be trusted, because despite my claim of ignorance, I have seen all along who I have been and what I've been doing, but I have attempted to ignore it in my desire to keep me as a personality, a character, an ego-driven, self interest, organic robot alive. I have not been willing to kill myself as “Kristina” as the definitions I Have placed upon myself and birth myself as life, to actually stand equal to others, to this world, to this creation - in fear of what I will lose, what I will miss, not realizing it’s all been a lie.

I must become humble and stop this ego as this ego is destroying life. It is not real. It is not living. It is fake and false and I have completely giving my power over to it. The road to freedom is through self honesty and self forgiveness. No one can forgive me unless I forgive myself.






Featured Artwork by: Desteni Artists

The Journey to Lifers

Equal Life Foundation

Basic Income Guaranteed 

Take Responsibility for what is HERE as this world, within AND without:
Desteni
Equal Money
DIP Lite Course (FREE)
DIP Pro
Eqafe (Self Perfection music, books, audio, etc)