28 July 2013

222: Denying My Existence

Here a point I faced as reacting and judging myself for 'acting out' the personality suits of the Mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the reactions and internal movements that exist within me as my mind and how I act them out and only once I have allowed myself to express myself as my mind, where I am not directive principle, but simply allow whatever to come up and out to do so – then react for ‘having a mind’ and all these various characters and personalities I go into and essentially 'act' out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having a mind and internal mind movement as reactions and characters and personalities I present to others and then project this onto others thinking and believing ‘they’ are the ones judging me or fearing they are judging me instead of realizing that I have been judging myself and suppressing who I am as my mind to not have to take an active role in actually investigating myself and facing myself as my mind - actually standing equal to my inner world as my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the passenger seat when it comes to investigating myself and facing myself where I have accepted this belief that I can just simple walk through my days and my life waiting for ‘points to come’ up within me, not directing myself through my mind, but instead waiting for my mind to activate so only then will I face myself – basically creating consequences for myself as allowing myself to be influenced by my mind and then go into reaction for having a mind and wishing I didn't and regret expressing myself as what I did in fear of others judging me instead of realizing that since I started this process I have been like tip toeing around facing my mind and not really wanting to dive in – as what is here within/as me as my mind and just passively waiting for points to emerge themselves instead of directing myself through my mind as taking the preventative measure in not allowing myself to 'act out' my mind as my reactions, personalities and characters that seem to turn on and off at a drop of a hat depending on where I am or who is in my environment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself be ashamed of myself as my mind, as the reactions I have, the back chats I have, the character and personalities I go into when I see it 'suits me' to do so, instead of realizing that judging myself, being ashamed of myself and basically trying to deny the existence of me as my mind does not change the fact that there still exists within me a mind that sees and accepts life in separation, where i have not yet established a relationship with all that is here as life in equality and oneness and thus there are movements and reactions that happen within me - and so realizing this is the process that I am walking and have been walking but instead of sitting back and waiting for points to come to me - which is like waiting for a savior or waiting for someone/something to tell me what to do or to direct me - take the directive principle role of actually walking my process, in realizing how simple it could/can be if I allow it of myself, to use daily the tools I have to support myself and no longer allow accumulation of energy to build within me where I then become overwhelmed and find this journey to be difficult

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and the experience I create through my participation in the mind - as thoughts, feelings and emotions, as difficult and hard and to within this create a resistance to walking my process as self investigation through writing and so instead step back and just wait for everything to come at me instead of taking the initiative and looking for myself, what is here within me, what is going on within me, what is the reason I am allowing myself to feel as if I have no control over my experience and thus apply the tools I have that work effectively in gifting myself back the ability to actually live, to be here in a physical moment as a physical breath and allow myself to simply be - being here with that is in the moment and thus stopping the mind participation which in it's separation from reality I become overwhelmed and give away my power and control to actually walk this life and this process and changing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet stand absolutely equal and one with/as my mind in realizing it is who I am - a limited version of myself that has abdicated the potential that exists within me through suppressing/denying/ignoring what is here as my mind, trying to 'pretend' it doesn't exist and continue on my process in not really going deep into myself, in really sorting out myself, in clearing the mess within myself that i see comes at me as the accumulation of energy I allow when I do not apply myself daily and so here I commit myself to apply and support myself with the tools I have of writing and self honesty and self forgiveness daily, as to create a consistent flow of support and self grounding, always bringing myself back to earth and the points I see I tend to project outward, back to me here and so taking self responsibility daily with what it is I experience, finding out why, where it was created in my life, through what acceptances, allowances and self definitions and to once and for all direct myself within my process of learning what it actually means to live self directive instead of allowing energy to move me or reactions to move me or the influence of a limited version of me as my mind as who I have designed, accepted and allowed myself to be and become

When and as I see myself reacting to myself as expression a reactions or a movement originating within my mind as energy, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to my physical body and back to the realization that this is the process I must walk, out of the mind as what i Have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and take back directive principle as the active role in expressing and being who I am for real and so I see/realize/understand that if I am judging myself or reacting to myself as the mind in moments where I 'lose control' as expressing points from within/as my mind as the characters or personalities I go into to suit my self interest, then I am essentially attempting to pretend it's not me and suppress what it is that I am experience or seeing as me, and so here I commit myself to become self honesty in standing equal to and one with who I am as my Mind, in accepting myself to accept me as my mind, embrace me as my mind in realizing this is the only way I can change me as my mind - because if I am judging or reacting to me as my mind - then I am separating myself from myself as the mind as either blame or denial as abdication of self responsibility and so I commit myself to become self responsible daily within the support of writing to stand equal to me as my mind, to face me as my mind, to embrace me as my mind and to get to know me as my mind in realizing this is the only way I will find practical solutions that i can physically live in realizing that how I live now is through/as my mind and so I must go through a process to correct it - and that starts with sorting out myself and so I commit myself to this journey - cleaning up the mess I've made and no longer sweeping things under the rug


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26 July 2013

221: Trying to Secure a Moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to let go of a moment in allowing a moment to end and a new moment to begin – as a breath, breathing in and breathing out and letting go of what was here but is now gone and so embracing the new moment of what is here

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define some moments as better or more special than others, where depending on what I am doing in a specific moment or who I am with or where I am and how I respond so that moment, in terms of how I react to it as either being positive or negative and thus how I feel about it – not want to let it go – so here defining some moments I share with others as better than when I am alone and thus not wanting to go into the alone moment and instead hold onto the shared moment because within that I define it as positive and fear of it ending

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk each moment as embracing what is here and not attempting to hold onto an experience I impose on a physical reality moment of what is actually here and instead want to exist in my relationship to it – to how I allow it to make me feel

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of a moment I share with others in fear of never having it again, as if I am losing something instead of realizing it is only the way I define myself and how I allow myself to react as the experience of myself in such a moment that I do not want to let go of and so revealing I am existing within my mind as how I interpret and define such moments and myself within it instead of walking consistently as each breath, as each moment, embracing and honoring each moment equally and not allowing self interest to determine how I see some moments as better than others because of how I have allowed it to make my feel/experience myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use some moments to define myself with – where when I share moments with another I feel good and want to hold onto the moment out of fear of who I am alone – who I am without such a definition I have given to myself in relation to a moment with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to stay in a moment as feeling an experience of sadness when a moment ends with another – and so not wanting to face this moment alone as a moment ending with another because of how I allow myself to experience myself in relation to the moment with another – as feeling happy and complete and safe – safe from the fears I have of losing what I perceive myself to gain in the moments with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others in using them to define myself as either gaining something or losing something and if I perceive myself as gaining something such as acceptance or validation or security – then I do not want to let it go because here realizing I have not allowed myself to live such words as myself – as who I am in each moment and instead still seeking outside and separate form me here and thus I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I do and will find acceptance, validation and security outside and separate from me here instead of realizing the instability I create as the uncertainty I experience when I allow something/someone outside separate from me here to determine whether I experience myself as accepted, validated and secure – realizing that if I think I am not getting this from another/outside and separate from me here, then I go into reactions and emotions of feeling like I am missing something or without something instead of realizing the simplistic solutions of gifting myself with these points as myself – as how I live in physical reality, redefining myself as the existence of these words within me to be who I am/how I live/what I express as myself and no longer thinking I will find them outside of me

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I will find acceptance and validation and security outside and separate form me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to my own belief that I can and will only find acceptance, validation and security outside and separate from me here

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to accept this belief that I receive acceptances, security and validation outside and separate from me here and thus when the point I define myself receiving these points from, is no longer ‘here’ as the moment that I am in/as, then I allow myself to experience a loss and go into a negative experience and thus desire the positive experience of still having that, instead of realizing I can stabilize this polarity experience I have created through standing/gifting/giving myself these points – realizing that only I can and thus the only time it will be real and constant

When and as I see myself reacting to walking out of a moment and entering a new moment as a change of environment or an interaction ending - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here, back to the simple solution of breath and realize I am here and the perception of 'loss' and thus desire to hold onto something exists only within my mind where I define myself according to that moment, or people that shared the moment with me and so Instead of allowing myself to validate such a belief about myself, as if I am missing something - I stop and I breathe and I allow myself to see/realize/understand that what I 'think' I am losing/missing when a moment ends that I define as better or positive that gives me a good feeling about myself, is points I have separated myself from, such as acceptance, validation and security and so instead I commit myself to investigate these words/expression within myself, see how I have separated myself from them and how I can redefine them within a physical living application that I can live as an expression of me and no longer allow myself to enslave myself to something outside separate from me here- no longer enslave myself to my own creation such as accepting that I am missing something or losing something when a moment ends and a new moment begins

I commit myself to realize that each moment is within/as each breath and as I take in the moment (breath in) as standing with 'what is here' as my physical reality, I then let it go, as I breathe out, allowing myself to not hold onto anything as trying to define myself according to it and instead walk breath by breath, moment by moment without judging some moments as better than others and instead allow myself to live consistently as each moment - as each breath and thus truly honoring myself as being here and my physical reality that I have been gifted with in the ability to realize what it actually means to Live


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24 July 2013

Day 220: What LIES Behind the Look

A point I see within me recently is this point of self definition. How I define myself according to my physical body - it's shape, size and structure. No - not the practical, physical, functionality of it - the things that matter - but more the 'look' of it.

While I have been busy 'perfecting' my body as an image I present to others, I have began to question myself - what the hell am I doing. While I spend so much time 'developing' my body to be in accordance with the look I desire - the shape that I have accepted and defined as 'attractive' and 'beautiful' - I have failed to give any attention or focus onto the being that actually matters - the who I am within every single moment of every single breath I breathe. Is there integrity in such a being that values more the 'look' of the body rather than the physical support of it. I mean who I am within my desire to perfect my body - what are the reasons I am doing this? Where is this motivation coming from? And is it best for all?

No - because I am running on fear and desire and all according to how I define 'beauty' and 'attractiveness' and within this 'needing' to be accepted, validated and secure in the face of others. So I am not really living for me. And I am not really caring about who I am as a being - who I am as the decisions and choices I make - who I am as the physical actions I take or do not take.

I mean the value has been misplaced as I value more the definition of myself as my look of my physical body rather than who I am as a human being - what I am actually doing in this world. How am I actually assisting and supporting myself to become a being in this world that could actually assist and support the rest of humanity? Because in my self interest as desiring to 'look good', I am not seeing the rest of reality - I am limited in my perception fueled by feelings and not seeing the factual reality - what is actually here and how 'who I am' as a being that values an image more than actual physical substance as Life - sustains the existence that is here - where we care more about fashion and beauty and celebs and entertainment and FEELING GOOD, instead of standing firmly in reality, in equality as ALL physical bodies here, and doing what is practically necessary to be done in changing ourselves to thus change our world into a place of real worth.

There is no worth in a picture that is beautiful if behind it is lies and deception. There is no depth in the shallowness as the value of an image. There is no life in the presentation of a personality that is determined and influenced by social conditioned acceptances of 'what life is' without the consideration of what is best for all.

I will be going more into the specifics of this in blogs to come.


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23 July 2013

219: It's Only Me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility as self investigation and reflection through writing, self forgiveness and self honesty through projecting myself, my process and ‘my points’ unto others in making my attention and focus unto others and what ‘they’ are doing and what ‘they’ are facing and how 'they’ must change – instead of realizing it’s ALL ME that I see within and as 'them'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately ignore myself as abdicating my self responsibility to sorting out myself and who I am as the conditioned nature of myself as self interest in attempting to not have to face myself or sort out what I accept and allow as myself in each moment through existing in thoughts and back chats about others and their process and what they are doing or not doing and to within this blame them for how they walk their process instead of realizing I am projecting all of myself unto others in attempt to hide yet still facing myself directly as the gift of a mirror

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that how others walk their process determines the relationship I have with them instead of realizing I am an equal participant and the points that emerge are my equal responsibility as I am an equal in relationship and so what is ‘here’ as my relationships with others is a reflection of my self relationship – and what I see in another is a reflection of what exists within me and so all thoughts, all judgments, all ideas, all opinions, all beliefs, all desires, all fears, all wishes, all things that I allow to exist within me in relation to others are actually and simply only me and so I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to face, address and become self honest about that which I see in another and within me in relation to another as the reactions that come up within me realizing they are IN ME and thus MY creation, my existence - my responsibility

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to always throughout my life exist within and as the focus of a relationship with another and give attention to what another is doing and essentially blame them for the experience of myself – within this basically justifying my reactions and experiences as ‘their fault’ instead of realizing it is me, through my acceptance and allowance of ‘who I am’ in relation to these points brought up in relation to others and thus my responsibility to stop and sort out and remove from within/as me as my process of self change

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing myself through relationships with others wherein I focus on others more than myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hide from myself in relationships with others

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to blame relationships with others for why my life is not going as I would like it to go instead of realizing I am creating my life and my experience within/as it as what I accept and allow within and without in each and every single moment and thus the blame towards another is also a projection of the self blame as I see I am not walking my process of walking out of the mind and into actual physical reality/living as effectively as I see possible and so instead of blaming - simply stopping and changing

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to want to end relationships with others out of spite and blame as projecting self responsibility onto another as the reason/cause/source/origin for why I experience myself the way that I do instead of realizing I am creating it in placing my value, stability and ability to walk my process unto another

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to exist within my ego as taking another’s process personally wherein I will react to another and their process and how they walk, instead of realizing the reflection I see as the gift to me showing me where I have the opportunity to change myself, to perfect myself – to stop myself from constantly separating myself from that which I see outside of me and instead bring it back to me

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to live the realization that ‘all is me’ as bringing all points back to me – everything that goes on within my mind, as my internal experience – any reactions, emotions, feelings, whether positive or negative and the trigger points that are outside of me as the gift of the mirror that show me what exists within me – back to myself to be able to actually get to know myself for real, to stop the blame and limitations as the ego of reaction

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself and my process and my self agreement through/as giving attention, focus and value as importance to relationships outside and separate from me here, instead of realizing that all relationships that I participate with and how they unfold are an outflow of me and thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to take full self responsibility for the relationships I have within my world as the reflection of the relationship I have within me and thus use the gifts as relationships are to be the mirror in which self can see who self really is and I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the mirror as relationships with others as I attempt to hide from the truth of myself because in the face of the truth of myself I have to become self honest and change me and that I am finding is like a deliberate dance as moving away from it in attempting to not have to change

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to attempt in all ways to hide form myself as focusing on others I am in relationships with – wherein I make it ‘about them’ and what they are doing and how they can change and when they do not change in how I expect, like or desire, react to them within blaming them – not realizing what I am actually seeing is my dishonesty, my attempt to run from myself, to not take responsibility for myself, to not have to face myself and so in essence not have to change myself and so within this I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to use others as a projection for me to attempt to not have to change myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the simplicity of the process that I walk and the unnecessary difficulty I create within myself when I do not apply the effective and simplistic tools I have been giving and supported with consistently and unconditionally which is breathing, writing, self honesty, self forgiveness – bringing all points back to me in realizing the equality and oneness that is here from the perspective that all is me – I am only seeing me, as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become – so I am always facing my mind and when my mind tells me that it’s “their fault” I experience myself the way that I do or my life is going the way it is that is a clear red flag that I am abdicating my self responsibility to become self honest in taking back the point back to myself – to see where in me exist what I see, what I react to, what I judge, what I perceive, what I value – anything that I say “is them” is actually me and so I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to live this realization practically and physically consistently within my life, day to day, moment by moment through the tools of writing and self forgiveness in bring myself back to me here, back to where I have the ability to actually become directive principle of myself in no longer being influenced by outside forces such as relationships – as I see/realize/understand that what is ‘out there’ is actually ‘in here’ and so I commit myself to take responsibility for ALL that is here as me, within and without through the Journey to Life and with the tools of writing and self honesty



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19 July 2013

218: Tripping on Fear

My summer school semester is coming to an end with one week left. The follow week I am going on holiday and the other night I kept waking up with the experience of fear and thoughts of the trip and fearing things were not settled and I would go on the trip not being prepared or missing something that I should have done before I left.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my upcoming trip/holiday in feeling like I am not prepared

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my upcoming trip/holiday because I fear I will not be prepared or have everything that I need – I think I will miss something or forget something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of fear when considering my upcoming trip yet within this not have a valid reason as to why I should be experiencing fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to quickly get to the day I will be going on my trip yet at the same time experience a resistance towards the trip as the date approaches closer and closer and so within this it’s like this point of rushing all along to get to the date and now that its right around the corner I am fearing and resisting it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a polarity experience in relation to my upcoming trip wherein I initially was excited and judge the trip as something positive and good and so within this want to move quickly towards the date and want it to be here already so that I can have this experience of how I defined the trip to be positive – yet as the reality sets in of the date actually around the corner – the trip becoming more and more real – go into the polarity experience of fear and resistance, where essentially my mind reality is facing physical reality and thus I experience a conflict because I did not support myself to remain here, walking moment by moment and instead project myself into a future reality within my mind wherein I think and believe everything will work out fine and I want to quickly get to the destination – yet in reality there are many things to consider and the reality of myself to be faced as actually facing the unknown and uncertainty and because I did not support myself to walk in real space and time, experience myself as not grounded in relation to the trip as I allowed myself to go into my mind and imaginations in relation to the trip and thus now have to shatter the bubble of/as my mind as the reality I have made up and not taking into consideration or care of physical reality

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to trust my imaginations to the point where I create an experience of feeling like I will miss or forget something for/during my trip because I spend so much time just projecting into the future of being on the trip instead of here, walking each moment and ensuring I am placing all practical reality points into place to ensure that I do not miss anything and I do make sure all is set and ready for me to go on the trip and thus create stability within myself in relation to the trip as I walk self stability in making sure everything is set and in place for me to go and not have to worry about missing or forgetting anything as essentially I am walking breath by breath to ensure I am directing everything into place and so

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to walk breath by breath in relation to my trip and instead allow myself to exist within my mind as a future projection and thus as I walk closer to the date of actually going on my trip feel unprepared and nervous about missing something or not being ready because I have not supported myself within physical reality practical points and instead just allowed myself to lose myself within my mind of imaginations of how the trip will go/be and not consider the physical reality in which I must take care of certain points in order to support myself to ensure that I can actually be 'here' and not worrying about anything and thus actually being responsible for myself and for my trip and for what needs to be done before I go, instead of existing just in the illusion of my mind as the mental projection of what the trip will be like without consider physical REALITY

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the experience of fear within me in relation to my trip

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the fear I experience in relation to my upcoming trip and so within this - when the point/thought/back chat arise that I am afraid of the trip and worried about how it will go or if I will have everything I need and take care of everything before I go - feel overpowered by this emotion of fear - instead of stopping, breathing and realizing it's my creation in how i define myself in relation to the trip and so instead I commit myself to support myself to remain here and sort out any points within me or within my reality that require to be stabilized and given attention to ensure I do not have to worry about it while I am gone and thus support myself to actually be able to go on the trip without any concerns or fears so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the emotion of fear in relation to the trip instead of questioning whether it is a practical fear or not and if it is - then to sort out the points in reality as a way to support myself - and if it is not practical then stop and investigate what I am afraid of, what am I reacting to and so get to know myself to create stability within myself to be able to let go and enjoy myself on the trip instead of experiencing irrational fear based on mental ideas and definitions that I can easily support myself to remove



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18 July 2013

217: Addictions of the Mind - Missing and Hoping

Here I am continuing from the previous post, going into self forgiveness in relation to the points I shared about some experiences I have been having this week since stopping my addiction, which has been a point of 'missing' and a sense of 'loss' as how one could relate to 'losing' a relationship and within that the experience of hope that one day I will be 'reunited' or be able to participate in the addiction again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship within myself towards a point (my addiction) outside and separate from me here to such an extent that when I remove/stop this relationship I go into an emotional experience of missing and a sense of loss - where I relate it to ending a relationship that I can no longer participate with and thus within this miss it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency towards something (my addiction) outside and separate from me here to the point that I allow myself to miss it and feel as if I have lost something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the experience that comes up within me of 'missing' my addiction and to within this actually believe I am missing it within a sense of loss instead of stopping in that moment as realizing the experience is not real and my creation that I can stop in one moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within/as my addiction as the relationship I have created towards it that is outside/separate from me here and thus when I no longer have that point/addiction/relationship - feel as if I am missing something, as if I have lost a part of me - revealing I have separated a part of myself into/as the addiction - instead of realizing I am still here, complete and whole and without the need of the relationship as addiction I have created in separation of myself and thus proving the experience of 'missing' and 'loss' is not real, because I am still here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an addict that cannot live without my addiction

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to trust the experience as the emotion of missing and a sense of loss in relation to my addiction that I Have stopped,  so much so that I then within this, experience hope that one day I will be able to participate within it again

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to desire being able to participate within my addiction again, projecting myself into a future reality within my mind, separate from me here, into an actual illusion that I then generate the feelings of hope in projecting myself into the experience of having/participating in my addiction - all within the starting point of fear as no longer having my addiction and thus desiring to have it again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hope of being able to participate in my addiction again in some future reality in not allowing myself to realize this is the seed of failure, of falling, as setting myself up to not stand as the decision I have made to walk this life in no longer allowing addictions to direct me

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can hold onto hope, instead of realizing that hope exists within the mind as holding onto some future belief that I will obtain something - instead of being here, in this moment, as this breath, not in my mind, but as myself as life, directing myself here in each moment in stopping the desire for a future without taking responsibility for what i am creating in separating myself from this reality as this moment here through accepting hope within my mind - not realizing that in not being here and allowing myself to exist in hope - I am not directing my present moment to be a foundation of the future in which I would like to be within for myself and for all equally

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to secretly want to hold onto my addiction as hope within my mind of being able to again participate in desiring the feelings and experiences I have had within the addiction - valuing that more than me as physical substance and being self directive in no longer requiring an energetic experience to determine the nature of myself or 'how I feel' or what kind of life I will live or experiences I will have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain ideas and thoughts within my mind in the form of missing and feeling like I have lost a relationship and within this exist within hope for it's return, instead of stopping and breathing and realizing that to allow this point within me is me accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self will and directive principle of me here over to my addiction as thinking and believing "i need it" and "I miss it" and I am at a loss without it - instead of realizing that what I am missing is me here in the moment of allowing such words and beliefs to exist within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself here through existing in my mind as thoughts of my whole life projected into the future - where I see the rest of my life without this addiction and to within this 'dread' the future without the relationship I have created towards the addiction - instead of seeing the support here in referencing to me that I have separated myself from myself here and so in this moment immediately and stop and breathe and bring myself back to myself here, as this physical reality, as my physical body and do not allow myself to separate myself into my mind as a separate reality as a life that I Have not yet lived where I see I then go into reaction for no longer having my addiction - instead of remaining HERE, grounded in actual physical reality and taking on the moment as I stand as I see here is where I am capable and able to walk the decision I have made in stopping my addictions

When and as I see myself existing within an energetic experienced produced from within my mind of thinking and believing that I miss and am at a loss without my addiction and thus hope to one day be able to again participate within this addiction - I stop and I breathe and bring myself out of my mind and back to my directive power and principle here as breathe as who I really am within the self honest decision I have made to in this life walk without addiction, as i see/realize/understand that the experience of missing and loss and even hope for my addiction as the relationship I have created towards it as something outside/separate from me here that gives me special, energetic experiences that i have created a dependency on - is supporting me to see I am within my mind and not here and is actually the seed of accumulating a fall and so within this I stop and I breathe and do not allow myself to accept, believe or participate in the experience of missing, feel as if I've lost or even hope to experience my addiction as giving myself the gift to actually walk the decision I have made as the commitment to myself as life as directive principle and no longer giving my power and self will to something outside and separate from me here


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15 July 2013

216: Stopping Addictions = Ending Relationships

I am well into Day 8 of stopping an addiction I once saw as so much greater than me. But man what a cool week I have walked, in stopping and standing up and seeing just how much of a distraction I was allowing within myself as my own addiction. So cool to stop and get back to reality and to the matters at hand.

There is an experience in relation to this stopping the addiction that I want to address - it's like the 'urge' to go into my addiction has become quite less and less, where I experienced it initially as a physical urge, then I saw how it was a mental desire in the form of thoughts and back chats attempting to justify the decision to go back into the addiction. I did not FALL for it.

So the decision still remain and I am still clear in what I must do/walk in order to get myself through this point of no longer being influenced by any point outside/separate from me here through my own participation and creation.

The experience I am seeing now within this - 8 days later of stopping an addiction - is this point of 'missing' and experience of 'loss'. Where it's like I am actually grieving for this addiction I am no longer giving to myself. I experience it like a death. The point will come up quickly and quietly - to go into my addiction - not making a lot of sound or movement within me, but still here slightly and when this happens the following experience is expressed in the words of "I will never have this again", "I will never be able to do this again", "I will never have this experience again", and it's like looking forward to the rest of your life without this one point and within that the emotions (negative energy) is like 'missing' and 'loss'.

And I see how automatically I still become this moment as it arise within me - granted I don't sit and stay in that experience as I realize it's not real, I am just perpetuating/sustaining it through accepting it - so I will stop immediately as I see I go into that experience. However, the point is it's still coming up and I can see how within myself there still exists a point of hope within it.

It's like I lost a friend, a companion - a buddy that I was use to spending so much time with and that gave me special feelings that I become accustomed to and enjoyed - whether I questioned the validity of this experience or not - the point is I created this relationship that I then turned into a dependency that dominated and controlled me/my life - yet that I willingly activated and participated within.

I have not ended this relationship (Interesting point here - I wrote 'not' with the intention to write 'now' and so this reveal to me the relationship/addiction still exists within me, obviously, as I am writing about this point of 'missing' it). I have removed this relationship from my life and the death experience in relation to it is like grieving the loss of my friend, my companion - my buddy that kept me company/busy/distracted.

Within this 'missing' and 'loss' experience of my 'friend' (my addiction) there exists hope. Hope that one day, sometime down the road, perhaps in my future... I can... I will be able to... just once more... have my addiction (hang out with my 'friend'). This is a red flag for me as I see/realize/understand that this is a seed I am/have planted within me/my physical body/my mind that will grow if I do not remove it. It is a weed that will grow and overtake me if I do not address it and pull it out.



So I will do this in the blog post to follow - remove the weed in my mind that tells me one day I will be reunited with the relationship I have given up.

Thanks.



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14 July 2013

215: Gripped in a Moment of Choice as Facing an Addiction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suspend myself within my mind in a moment of time when/as I see myself hanging before the cliff as if I could easily fall into the addiction in which I am stopping

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself, within my mind, making the decision to fall into my addiction through justifying reasons and excuses as to ‘why’ it is ‘ok’ and that I can ‘start over’ and to within this actually for a moment or several believe this and actually think I do not have a choice within my decision – as if I do not have the ability to in that moment, despite what my mind is showing me or what I am accepting in that moment, I can always change, I can always change my mind, I can always change my nature and no longer allow that point to exist within me as taking back directive principle – even though I realize how easy it is to NOT – to just trust the habitual ways of my existence that validate to me the ease I experience when I just give into the point of addiction – as it’s what I ‘always’ do and have done and so instead of trusting this – trusting MYSELF to actually stop realizing that this moment of uncertainty is here because of me and so I decide to stand equal to it in directing myself out of the uncertainty and back into the certainty as the decision of who I will be in this life as what I accept and allow in each moment as me

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to actually contemplate going back into the addiction I am stopping in allowing myself, for just a split second to think, “maybe I will fall”, instead of realizing that in that split second of the moment I was willing the fall in even considering, contemplating and entertaining the idea – instead of realizing that it is not beyond me to stop – as I so easily trust my programming as my addiction – I can equally trust myself to change it, to re-script it into ways of living and existing that are best for me and ultimately best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear never making through the moment of the grip as when the addiction come up to test me – fearing I will fall and give in as that is what I Have always done and so through this constant ‘fall’ completely lose faith and trust in myself -and so when this moment arise, fear myself – fear I cannot trust myself as I have seen how it usually go and to within this existing in the past as the memories of times before when I did not push and apply myself and to within this even sabotage myself from the NEW moment I have here of actually stopping, and changing and trusting that I will continue to apply this (stopping) within myself each time the moment arise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stop my addiction for others – so others will take my example and stop their own instead of within this realizing that with this starting point – I will never stand, because it’s not a statement as ‘who I am’ that I can then live for real for eternity as who I am and so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to desire saving others as I save myself within stopping addictions in realizing one can only ever do it for oneself and so I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to realize that only once I actually stop and save myself from my own addictions can I actually be of assistance and support to others and thus to stop FOR others is not actually valid or real but is in fact separating myself from my responsibility to me HERE

When and as I see myself facing the moment of my addiction as the test of the decision I have made as to whether I will fall or stand - give in or give myself the ability to stop and direct myself - I stop and I breathe and I continue to reaffirm to myself the decision I have made with the realization of the process I must walk through as walking out of the addiction and giving myself back the power to be self directive and not a slave to my mind as the energy in which I have created in relation to my point of addiction - I commit myself to stop being a slave to energy

I commit myself to stop and breathe and decide to CHANGE in one moment as I see I am able in not 'going for' the easy route as falling for my addiction but instead stand stable as who I am as the statement in which I accept and allow as the moment of choice in how i live and continue to walk this process of stopping the addictions and releasing myself from the hold i Have created within myself towards something outside and separate from me here

I commit myself to walk the process as the Journey to Life, with writing, self honesty, self forgiveness, self corrective statements and breathing as getting through each moment self willed in becoming self directive principle of who I am in each moment and no longer being a slave that cannot stop and change my mind, my nature in one moment - I commit myself to walking the process of freeing myself from all addictions within/as me



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10 July 2013

214: The Last Three Days is Evidence of a Four Year Process

Three nights ago I decided to stop, in one moment, an addiction I had been long giving my power and authority to. The dependency I had created to this addiction as something outside and separate from me here was quite extensive from the perspective that I actually FEARED no longer having this point of addiction - and I feared stopping it and the process I had to walk to actually stop it. This fear was the justification I gave myself to not even try - to ignore the addiction I was allowing. I basically suppressed my responsibility and who I was within my addiction as the consequences it created as me within my habit of it.

So I stopped this and the self forgiveness I applied for the fears I was allowing grounded me and solidified my decision to stop this addiction. It has been three days since this moment/decision, like I said, and I have been walking since this moment with this anticipation and awe within myself of, "wow - am I really doing this? I can't believe I am doing this - how the hell am I doing this?" Because within me there is an absolute certainty that I will remain within my decision to never again allow this addiction within/as me.

There is like a surprise within me because the fear I had to letting go of this point of addiction was so great - yet what I have realized in the last three days is that it was my creation.

I try to look at the difference in terms of how I was able to make the decision and stand within my decision to actually walk this and will myself to say "NO" each time the addiction energy came up within me attempting to drive me into the point again - how is it that this time around I am able to actually be certain within myself that I will not accept and allow this of myself - to go back into the addiction.

One thing I see is that this time around I saw how the addiction was indirectly influencing who I am and thus what kind of consequences it created as the 'who I am' - as what I was accepting and allowing within myself is a point I accept and allow in others and existence as a whole. So my responsibility here is obviously within myself, yet within the awareness that who I am in each moment as my Acceptances and Allowances - I accept and allow equally externally. As within so without. As above so below. So this time I saw how the inner was affecting the outer and from here I was able to make a decision.

This is also proof of a 4 year process I have been walking. The fact that I am able to forgive myself for fear and addiction and actually GIFT myself with the will and know myself well enough to say I WILL not give into the addiction - till here no further - is proof of the Desteni Message and Tools. Breathing has been one of the greatest supports in the past three days because as I complete certain tasks throughout the day - the program I have created through my participation in my addiction will go off as if to say, "Ok - time for your reward - go into your addiction" and I experience it physically like this high-pitched pleasure-teasing energy that jumps up and grips me in the moment and I see I ALWAYS have a choice in that moment - and I have chosen each time to say NO - BREATHE and this too shall pass.

So breathing has assisted greatly in getting me through those moments where I think I will eternally be stuck in the program that says "now - addiction now - go into it here" - instead I remind myself that I am walking a PROCESS and this process is a re-programming myself and like the time it took to script myself to go into certain patterns and habits at certain moments or after certain things - instead I breathe through this and re-script myself by NOT going into my addiction and say to myself, I do not require this - I no longer accept this of myself - this will pass - and I breathe.

So the process I have been walking the last 4 years have given me the ability to reason with myself in common sense - to not just give into thoughts and feelings and emotions that tend to take one over in a moment where we become automated robots with no sense of responsibility for ourselves - we just go into the easiest point because it's our program - it's how we have 'always' existed - as what we have accepted ourselves to exist as and so to change this is a CHALLENGE - yet it is the GREATEST challenge one can face as I can say for myself - the last 3 days have been a TESTimony to myself - in testing myself in terms of asking "Who am I?" Am I directive principle of myself HERE, or am I just a willing slave to my pre-program life design that determines how I relate to things and how I function in this world. The last three days I have proven to myself that I DO have the will to walk my process, to be able to trust myself, to breathe through moments that seem I will never get through -  that the tools I have been applying of writing, breathing, self honesty and especially self forgiveness with self corrective application WORK in changing my nature.

The addiction I have been letting go of and am absolutely, in all ways committed to continue giving up and stopping, was something I NEVER thought I could let go of. And yet the last three days I have proven to myself that I am not my thoughts, I am not my feelings and I am not my emotions that act as the script I must follow - instead I decide who I am and I have offered this ability to myself. So it's been quite cool.

Do not get my wrong - the last three days have been quite difficult in terms of facing and stopping my addiction each time the point come up - yet without the tools of Desteni and the starting point of my decision within common sense as what is best for all - I would have never been able to do it. Proof that I am changing myself and human nature can be changed and it is as easy or as difficult as we make it.

The point from the beginning of this blog - WE are the CREATORS of what we ACCEPT and ALLOW within and without - thus why would one choose anything other than LIFE with the tools that make it easier to effectively do so? Why do we make our lives more difficult by choosing to fall time and time again to the self inflicted beliefs that 'we cannot' and 'we will never make it' and "it's too much, i'm not good enough, it's greater than me"... we have created who we are and we solidify that statement in each moment - so WHO are we choosing to be?

Investigate Desteni and the Destonians who are Proving Human Nature can be changed and there is no actual reason that can justify otherwise - that just prove we choose to live in abuse. Dare to Chose Life as what is Best for All - become Responsible for the Reflection you are as what you see in this World as your Mirror. Face yourself. Face your Fears. Face your Addiction and Make the Decision to ONCE and for ALL - Change.



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213: Self Support through Stopping Addictions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to suppress the points coming up within me through NOT writing them out or applying self forgiveness for them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define looking at and addressing the points coming up within as the nature of thoughts, back chats, emotions and feelings as 'too much' and within this resist supporting myself within them as facing them instead of suppressing them - which would be to either write them out/self forgive them or just ignore them, pretend they are not here, push them down down deep and go alone with my day in doing something else

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as 'overwhelmed' within all the points coming up within myself as my mind - where I have basically removed my suppressor pacifier and now all the shit I have been hiding from and ignoring is coming to the surface and within this want to resist and suppress it in other ways, such as sleeping and resist writing but here I support myself to no longer be directed by the limited version of myself that accepts submission to that which I define as 'an effort' and opt for the 'easy way' revealing that I don't want to actually change I just want to remain the same as easing myself into the process of automation - instead I push myself to no longer accept what I see is unacceptable within me and change myself in moments I see I am able - such as here, writing out the resistance to write self forgiveness for the experience/points coming up within me the last couple days

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and resentment projected outside and separate from me here because I Have removed my point of addiction as my suppression pacifier and so within this become agitated and irritated that I no longer have my habit I have programmed myself to be dependent upon for my stability

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to create and program myself in such a way where if I remove a habit that I participate within - I become irritated and agitated and to within this believe there is a 'grace period' that I am allowed to be irritable in thinking 'it is normal' and basically not graceful but more like spaced out or aggressive and so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to accept this belief that because I Have removed an addiction from my life - that I will go through withdrawals and because of this "I am allowed" to be irritated, to lash out  at others or not 'here' but instead unfocused and distracted and basically what I am saying is I don't have to direct myself - the withdraw from the addiction is 'more than me' and thus I just have to 'go through' this experience of irritation and anger until it pass, then I will be ok, instead of realizing I have the ability to stop it in any giving moment

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself through the process I am walking of stopping an addiction as I directed myself within the actual decision to stop my addiction - self directive and self supportive where I no longer accept myself to be separate or a slave to something outside of me or habits I have created as me and thus taking full responsibility for MY CREATION - realizing that this experience I Have accepted and allowed as going through 'withdraw' is my creation through my acceptance and allowance and to continue to allow this experience, even though I have realized that I AM my addiction - as I created it through my PARTICIPATION - allow myself to submit to the 'experience' of 'withdraw' as like a way to feel sorry for myself - not standing fully self responsible for what I accept and allow as ME - what I do, what i think - what I speak - all things that come from/as me and are a statement of who I am reflect my acceptance and allowance and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in such a way where I accept a lesser version of me, even when I see I can be so much more, accept myself to fall into the trap of the mind as seeing it 'more than me' as being so persuasive instead of realizing "it" is ME - and so here I commit myself to stop buying into the belief that 'my mind' is somehow separate from me, outside of me, greater than me and more powerful then me - so much so that IT decides and directs the experience I HAVE within/as me as each moment - and instead I STAND EQUAL to/as my mind as WHO I AM as what I Have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and as I realize it is a limited version of myself - it is still me and thus within this I have absolute power and control to DIRECT me in each moment and so here I commit myself to no longer taking orders from my mind as 'who I must be' in this moment as the 'experience' of myself and instead I breathe - breathing self directive decisions in each moment of what I will and will not accept and allow as a living statement of who I am.

I commit myself to purifying myself through a process of self transformation - standing equal to the limited version of myself as my mind that is addicted to all forms of energy and release myself from the dependency as a false belief that I require it to live - instead I choose life as who I really am, equal to and one with/as the physical and support myself within this walking/process/application in each moment as each breath and through daily writing and self forgiveness and self corrective statements

I commit myself to release myself from all forms of addictions and dependency so that I may stand here, free and clear without 'needing' anything but instead standing absolutely stable and sound, here, as who I really am


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07 July 2013

212: Conditional Expectations in Communication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dissatisfied in communication with another in defining our communication as nothing of substance because we were talking about things I was not interested in and to within this think and believe another was avoiding something or resisting communication with me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word communication and the physical action thereof to be within the limited definition of my mind as either being 'of substance or not' in defining it within certain topics or points where if they are not how i define them accordingly, then I will judge the communication and thus reveal I am not unconditionally here as myself as communication with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have rather communicated about specific topics that I have defined to be of 'more substance' as a limited judgment within my mind, instead of perhaps directing the communication as I would have liked wherein if I saw points I wanted to communicate about – to bring them up instead of allowing another to be the authority of the communication and within this not make any suggestions for discussions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of directing the communication in speaking about specific points or topics that I wanted to, instead blame another for my own submission and acceptance of the communication and so within this not actually live a solution but instead blame another as projecting my self responsibility of myself within communication onto them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations in communication with another – wherein I did not like our communication because I felt there was nothing of substance – seeing in the beginning there was but then consider the last part to be boring and not stimulating or things I would have liked to discuss
  
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet see the point here I am facing in regards to the experience I had after communicating with another where it’s like I went into this point of “that was not good enough” in having expectations of the communication perhaps through comparing it to the previous communications where I felt we were moving through points that mattered and felt there was movement within our communication and the connection being made within the communication – yet here question whether what I am looking for in communication is the energy fix of speaking about certain topics

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disinterested in communication with another when they want to talk about things I define as not interesting or that do not give me the energy fix I am seeking 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within self interest in communication with others wherein I only consider what i want to speak about and not consider another as my equal in realizing they might have something they also want to speak about and thus not judge what is here or comes up in communication, but instead stand clear and without judgments or the limited version of me as my self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use communication with others as a means for my own self interest of feeling an energy fix, where if the points being discussed do not stimulate me in some way then I become disinterested in the communication and dissatisfied

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to talk about specific topics and points in communication with others because that is where my attention and focus is going - to a limited perception and awareness of myself and what is currently here as my life and so desire to just focus is on the point that I receive the most energy stimulation

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to experience disappointment after communication with another in anticipation of a different kind of communication where I wanted to talk about other things, things I would define to 'matter' – instead of just chatting about this or that as nothing to serious or important

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe another was holding something back in communication and using certain topics and points and what not, as a way to avoid or distract from a point as not facing something - and within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to reflect this back to myself in realizing it is me and so investigate and take responsibility for who I am within communication - when am I holding something back or resisting in communication as to not face myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold back and resist facing myself in communication with others and then to project this as a form of blame on another another when I experience dissatisfaction in communication - revealing that what I am holding back is my intention as not being unconditional in communication with others in looking for ways to fulfill my self interest instead of being unconditionally here with another without expectations or need to receive something within communication and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing this part of myself as what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as needing communication that stimulates and feeds me energy to sustain the self definition of my ego as not being here unconditionally with another as my equal in/as communication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet see the self honesty here within this point as what my responsibility was because there is a point in regards to ‘directing communication’ and not satisfied within the communication with another – almost like it was a waste and so within this not knowing if this is a real consideration or just my mind’s expectations being let down or my need for energy in how I find some communication with others to be more stimulating than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a let down after communication with another - revealing I was within expectation and not unconditionally here as the communication

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine and project another having an experience after communication in judging themselves perhaps for how there was no real substance within the communication – it was more just a ‘whatever chat’ and within this go into my mind wondering if this is a point another is contemplating instead of directing the point back to myself in terms of looking at what is here within myself – where am I responsible, what is this experience and how can I direct myself within this as moving within self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider bringing this point up in communication with another yet not wanting to because I think that I am being paranoid or feeding my expectations and so don’t want to ‘make a big deal’ yet if it is here why not bring it up at least to clarify

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge some communication with another as better than others
  
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into paranoia within myself when communication with another is not like some we have had in the past where it’s like there is real communication about real stuff that matters and then when that does not happen, according to how I define the communication, feel disappointed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not communicate with another unconditionally within having no expectations of ‘what’ the communication will be about and also expecting something in return, where I expect an experience as energy that makes me feel good and gives me excitement and hope of 'whats to come' 

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the past as defining past communication with another as 'good' and within the positive polarity charge that I use to get energy as feeling good and thus expect and want this to continue and when it does not, react within myself because I am not getting my energy fix

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I would like to discuss something specific in communication than I have the ability to direct myself to do so and to sit and allow myself to back chat and react to communication with another because it did not 'go the way I wanted' is not a solution and only fuel this point of separation from my self responsibility even more and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into back chats as disappointment in communication with another instead of stopping and breathing and questioning myself within that moment as to what I am expecting or wanting in the communication and whether it is in fact self honest or deceptive as seeking an ulterior motive such as an energy fix and so within this I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to trust the experience of disappointment within myself after communication with another instead of realizing this reveals that I was holding onto expectations

When and as I see myself existing within ideas and expectations within my mind as holding onto past moments in relation to communication with others - I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the realization that this is expectation that is CONditional in nature and leads to disappointment and so I stop and I breathe and I clear myself from/as the expectation in allowing myself to stand here, clear, and without needs or desires from the communication as this implies I require something within communication instead of realizing all that is required of me is to be here, directing myself and the communication as effectively as I see possible and I am able and so I commit myself to stop ulterior motives within communication with another as needing an energy fix of excitement or self definitions that 'things are cool' instead of simply being here, stable, clear and effective in no longer allowing a conditional nature as myself that exists within expectations without giving fully as I would like to receive


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