31 May 2013

187: Trusting Thoughts Creates Resistance

I have opened up this point - of finding out I am the bully that I feared - and while I am busy walking through it - I see thoughts and back chats coming up as reactions to it - not wanting to 'do it' - or complete it - like just wanting to 'free write' about my day or not give myself direction basically in actually sorting out what is here as the memories I have placed - as the whole personality I have developed that is still existing within me of being a bully - so it's like I see this point as "too big" and will take many blogs to complete and yes, so not wanting to actually direct myself, commit myself to actually walk through what I have allowed myself to see. This is not cool because obviously it's an attempt to ignore what is here, and what I have specifically, physically placed for myself to write - so I will apply self forgiveness and corrective statements for myself here as to no longer allow the resistance to walking this point direct me, and thus support myself to keep on walking - keep on moving into the direction of actually removing this from myself as I see it only serves to keep my trapped in the past, stored in my mind, influencing who I am today and thus is oh so useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance through walking with self forgiveness and self corrective statements for the memories I have placed for myself in my blogs as taking responsibility for who I was in my past and how I am still allowing it to direct and influence me, through back chats and thinking and entertaining ideas of "this is too hard, this is too much, this will take too long"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts long enough as reactions of "this is too hard, this is too long, this is too much", to then create a resistance within myself towards actually, physically walking myself through the memories with self responsibility as self forgiveness and self corrective statements - in wanting to give up what is REAL as my physical process of/as the journey to life and instead trust the ILLUSION of my mind as back chats/thoughts that tell me "I can't do this"

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to entertain these thoughts long enough to create an energy around the point that then direct me in not wanting walk through all of the memories - in investigating all of myself within these memories, in actually getting to know myself in how I have and do function and thus I forgive myself that i Have not allowed myself to realize/see the gift I have given to myself as the memories of who I was in creating myself as  a bully and the fear of being bullied that is still here with me - as it is an opportunity to learn about myself within self awareness, as the tools I have of self honesty - wherein I can actually take a look at who I have been in my life, the patterns I have participated in and WHY I accepted and allowed this in my life - as who I am, thus be able to get a better understanding of who I am and how I am able to change as I see/realize/understand that I cannot possible change unless I allow myself to see myself for real - with self honesty and the principles of what is best for all as then I am able to re-write what I accept and allow as myself as well as remove these memories that I Have carried with me throughout my life

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to react to the idea of within my mind as 'how long' it will take to walk through these memories, not realizing that I have accumulated myself throughout time to be who I am now for 28 years and thus patience is required in realizing that I have a gift to slow myself down and walk myself slowly but surely through these last 28 years to see what i have accepted and allowed and actually correct it - in looking at every moment of my whole life, what a gift as getting to know myself, in seeing who I am and what I see this reality and how I can actually remove the filters that I have placed on myself as given to me by this world and generations before - I have the opportunity to actually become responsible and thus I allow myself to slow myself down, cherish these memories as the support in getting to know myself and allow myself to live patience as who I am, taking care of every detail I see I am able to correct

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what i tell myself in my mind of this being 'too hard and too much and too long' is not actually real and so I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe in my thoughts instead of me - as becoming self directive in what I do in this life, what i do each day, what I will accept and allow and no longer allow thoughts to direct me

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that thoughts as back chats directing me away from doing what I SEE and REALEYES is best for all as walking my journey to life, as supporting myself to change with the tools of breathing, self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective application - instead of stopping in that moment and giving no value as validation to ANY thought that I see attempts to influence myself away from what is best for me, as walking my process of self responsibility in no longer allowing abuse I see within myself to exist within me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe my thoughts in relation to the memories I have of being a bully and walking myself through the process of clearing all the shit I have carried with me as the memories as bigger than me - are real, instead of realizing it is my own way of attempting to sabotage myself in actually changing, in misdirecting me away from what is practically necessary to be done - deal with what is HERE as me, within and without

When and as I see myself back chatting about my blogs and the process I walk in investigating who I have been throughout my life as the accepted nature of myself within/as self interest - I stop and I breathe and I do not allow this of myself and so I stop in that moment and do not allow any thoughts as I see/realize/understand that to allow the thoughts, to participate in the thoughts, to entertain the thoughts only adds energy and thus through this energy, the resistance exist as I have now given value as energy to the thoughts that "it's too much, i can't do this" - and thus direct me away from what is best for all as I also see/realize/understand that if I simply breathe and do not allow the thoughts/back chats, if I stop them in one moment, then I am not giving them any power, I am not validating them and thus I am here to breathe and direct myself as deciding what I will do throughout my days and here throughout my life and so I commit myself to support myself within breathing, bringing myself back to breath and stopping any thought I see arise within me in no longer trusting that i am my thoughts and instead trust that I am life as the breath, that is really who I am and so I commit myself to no longer creating my own resistances through participation in thoughts and instead trust myself to direct myself in each moment - in each blog, to do what I see is common sense and necessary in creating myself within the nature of what is best for all and thus support myself to be able to support this world in creating a world that reflect each individual standing within the same principle

I commit myself to walk my journey to life, slowly but surely in realizing it will take time, patience and self trust to do what i see is necessary to be done as what is best for all

I commit myself to trust myself to stop thoughts that I allow to create resistances

I commit myself to realizing that patience is key in walking my process as the journey to life, as it took 28 years to create myself to be who I am and thus I walk an equal amount of time, as the commitment I make to myself and all life in this one life

I commit myself to stop seeing my thoughts more powerful than me as allowing them to influence me away from walking my journey to life



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186: Seeing Equality Through Polarity & Dumping Life for Illusion

This is a continuation of a series I am currently walking:
181: The Birth of a Bully
182: The Birth of a Bully part 2
183: The Bully Character in All it's Dimensions: Memory #1
184: Bonding over Names and Shared Interests
185: What we Allow within Inferiority and Superiority

We will go straight into self forgiveness here:

Allowing myself to be influenced by the girls I defined as 'superior' to me in order for them to like me and accept me and so that I could hang out with them/be friends with them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within defining two girls in my class as superior to me and thus me as inferior to them, standing in fear of not being 'as cool/equal' to them - from fear move into desire as wanting them to like me and accept so and thus allowing myself to be influenced by them and myself in accepting and allowing myself to make decisions that were not best for all, but only best for me in how I perceived what was best for me - which actually was only best for me ego as self definition - in sustaining this whole belief that I am/was inferior - thus to be able to hang out with them/be friends with them - and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my comparisons of superiority/inferiority placement of myself and two girls in my class wherein I made a decision to then do whatever it is I can in order for them to like me, accept me and be friends with them

When and as I see myself attempting to move from fear into desire as the self definitions as comparing myself to others as being inferior to one's superiority, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself here, back to equality as the physical substance that is real to see/realize/understand that what i am accepting and allowing in that moment is an illusion to influence me in what i define as who I am, who others are, and thus attempt to fulfill my self interest as 'what is best for me' and not take into consideration what is best for all and so I commit myself to question myself in the decisions I make as to how i define myself and thus move myself as what is influencing me, to no longer allow my ego as self interest become more important then what is best for all and thus I commit myself to clear my starting point from which I stand as fear, through my own self created definitions/perceptions/ideas about myself being inferior and others being superior into and as equality and oneness as what is best for all - as what is actually real, in realizing that I am equal as one with all beings here, as the physical substance that we are, and thus I stand in reality and no longer in illusion, attempting to sustain the ego of limitation

Wanting to be 'cool' as how I defined the two girls in my class

Wanting to experience something better then what I defined/accepted of myself - so experienced myself as inferior to the two girls and so within this, wanted to experience the polarity, as being 'equal' to their superiority in which I defined I would find in 'being their friend'


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be cool in how I define two girls in my class wherein I define them as cool and superior and to within this, see myself as inferior and within my inFEARiority, desire to be as cool as them, equal in how i saw them as superiority to them and thus I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed a limited definition of myself where I was inferior to two girls in my class and thus from here move into wanting to be equal in their standing - not realizing I AM equal as who they are as physical beings of/as physical substance and yet I trusted in my mind's definition of 'who I am' in relation to them and from here decided I must be 'more', not realizing I was creating myself as 'less' through comparisons and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as comparisons within my mind, as an illusion that is not even real, but only an interpretation/perception of actual physical reality and thus not stand HERE AS actual physical reality, as breath, in seeing/realizing and understanding that we are in fact equal as the substance from which we come

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through my limited perception of comparing myself as inferior and less then two girls in my class, want to experience something better as I experience my accepted definitions of myself as not cool, and not feeling 'good' about myself and so from here, want something better, to feel better, to become more not realizing that I am the one creating myself as less and so I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I create EVERY experience within/as me through how I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret physical reality and physical beings and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to, through how I interpret physical reality and physical beings, design myself as an automatic play out of a pattern of moving into inferiority as a negative experience and thus from here, automatically move into desire as a positive experience of myself - never stopping and asking myself or questioning myself in what I was accepting and allowing myself to participate within as defining another as more then me or me less then another and thus not even allowing myself to be aware of the automatic movement into inferiority/negative experience into/as the superiority/positive experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see equality through the eyes of polarity in accepting the self created state of ebing as 'inferior' to the two girls in my class and to within this, desire to 'lift myself' to their 'standing' as becoming 'equally' superior as how i defined them as being 'cool' - not realizing that this equality is separated into polarity, as negative and positive and thus not REAL equality, as REAL equality realized the equality within/as physical substance without negative/positive experiences or energy charges - it is simply HERE, as what it is in physical matter - without perceptions, judgments, comparisons, and ideas or opinions - it is simply here


When and as I see myself attempting and trying to become 'more' out of an accepted experience/perception/self definition of being 'less then', as how I define myself and others, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the real equality that I am with/as all that is here, and out of the illusory idea that to become 'more then' myself, as the accepted inferiority, in standing equal in another's perceived superiority - as I see/realize/understand that to move within the starting point of inFEARiority into the desire to be more or 'equal' to how I define others as sUPerior/more than me, is in and as separation of myself, as who I really am, as equal and one with all life here, and only perpetuates the self accepted definition that I am less then - thus I am only moving from the negative into the positive, instead of creating equality and oneness, here as myself without polarity, without fear, without desire, but a constant, stable expression of who I am equal as one with all life here - and so I commit myself to living this equality and oneness as all ife here, with each breath I take, as breathing is equal to and one with the physical body that is of substance, of actual reality and thus equal to all others in/as physical reality/substance and so I commit myself to no longer participating/validating the illusion within my mind that I accept in separating myself from others and moving myself from fear into desire, instead I remove the polarity, I stop the positive search from within the negative experience, and instead breathe here, without separation, without ideas of 'who I am' and 'who others are' and instead commit myself to get to know what is real, as who I really am, as what i have accepted and allowed of myself within the illusion of energy as self definition and to instead walk the process of writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application, to no longer allow a limited perception of actual reality and thus stand AS actual reality, in/as physical reality - as what matters - as the breath of life that is here as me

Deciding to 'dump' my friend Cristina out of fear of not being 'cool' and thus desiring to be 'cool'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the accepted starting point of fear, as inferiority of not being 'cool' and thus desire to be 'more than' my accepted experience of inferiority, move into becoming 'superior' make the decision that was within/as self interest, as fear and as desire to become more than myself, more than others and more than my own creation in fact, as I was allowing myself to create an idea within my mind that I am not equal to other beings, such as the girls in my class, and even as Cristina, as I defined myself as inferior, I also defined her as inferior and thus attempt to move away from this, for myself, as self interest - and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to within self interest as the directive principle of me, and not me HERE as the directive principle of myself, decide I can no longer be friends with Cristina, as I believed I needed to protect myself, to survive as the ego definition I placed upon myself, that I enslaved myself to and thus decide to harm another within my own pursuit of surivival

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by self interest as fear and desire in making the decision to 'dump' Cristina - as I literally saw your as less then the opportunity I had to become more than her and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see other beings as trash I can dump, throw away, get rid of for my own self interest, revealing the nature of humans - even children, does not consider life in equality or what is best for all, or even care for another as ourselves as we are willing to 'dump' each other for our own survival, for our own self created bullshit ideas about who we are within this world as requiring some kind of status that secure our position - our safety and so I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to question myself, as who I am as the decisions I make as I see clearly that to allow self interest to influence who I am always create a consequence that is not best for all and thus is unacceptable

I forgive myself that i Have not allowed myself to honor all life as equal and instead honor the ego's perception of status in this world, fearing to be 'left out' or 'not good enough' and thus be willing to dump others - to disregard others for our own self interest and thus seeing this within our world on a daily basis, where we do not care to feed starving children or provide all with the ability to live and support themselves within this life, instead we disregard what is HERE as what matters in physical matter and instead choose our pursuit of self interest to become better than others, to be more than others and not take responsibility for what we are creating within our misplaced value in life

When and as I see myself making a decision within self interest, that suits my needs but disregard another in what is best for all - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back into the awareness that Life matters - that physical substance matters and I see/realize/understand that what I've done within my own self interest to become better is disregard and dump on others where I do not consider what is best for them or how my actions have consequences for them, I only have considered myself and what is best for me as my ego in what I WANT - and I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to make decisions within self interest and instead commit myself to investigate every decision I make, every choice and action and ask myself "is this best for all" in getting to know the nature of each decision that I can make as I see what is created as consequences if I do not - a world where we dump on each other in thinking and believing that how we perceive ourselves and others in this world is more important that actual Life that is here, suffering and waiting to be seen/heard - waiting for solutions - waiting for life to exist as what is best for all and so I commit myself to walk my process as the journey to life, as breathing, as writing, as questioning who I am in the very nature as what i Have accepted and allowed to ensure I bring myself within the starting point of/as equality and oneness as what is best for all - honoring ALL as my equal and giving to another what i would like to receive and thus doing to tothers that I would have done unto me - I stop the illusion of ego that believes my 'status' in this world is more important that PHYSICAL LIFE


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28 May 2013

Day 185: What we Allow within Inferiority and Superiority

This is a continuation of a series I am currently walking:
181: The Birth of a Bully
182: The Birth of a Bully part 2
183: The Bully Character in All it's Dimensions: Memory #1
184: Bonding over Names and Shared Interests

Defining two 'other' girls in my class as 'cool'
Defining the 'cool' girls as superior to me and Cristina

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define two girls in my class as 'cool' and within this attach superiority to them as being 'cool' in seeing them more then me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being 'cool' as being superior and better than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from girls in my class in seeing them as 'superior' to me as within the definition of being 'cool'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the validity of such a definition of someone being 'cool' within superiority, as when I look I cannot see what it was about them that was so 'cool/superior' but just accepted it as the way it was and so within this I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust my perceptions of others without really investigating where I am coming from in defining someone as cool or superior, as to get to know who I am and what I see as what defines my reality, and finding out if it is real or not - if it is fact made of any substance or just a reaction through comparisons within my mind, as a way to separate myself from others

When and as I see myself defining others as cool and superior as separating myself from them in not seeing/standing as equals as substance - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the common sense of questioning myself and my perception of others to get to know who I am within it, whether i am seeing for real, or through my ego that attempts to interpret and define physical reality as people according a self created guiding system that determines some to be superior to others, as I see/realize/understand that to see another as superior to me is to separate myself from them through comparisons and is in fact a judgment on myself and so I commit myself to stop judging myself and others i nhow I define as some as superior and to instead investigate and question what i accept within me in how i define others as 'cool' or superior to see what is real within this seeing - whether it is in fact for real, or just my minds ways of attempting to define and limiting myself within an already set way of being/thinking without any physical reality practical consideration and so I commit myself to stop limiting myself within how I see others and instead investigate who I am within what I see as others to get to know myself, to get to know what is real and what is ego as the mind that compare and separate and not live as equality and oneness as what is actually here as the physical reality substance

Defining me and Cristina as inferior to the two other girls in our class

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and Cristina as inferior through and as comparing ourselves to two girls in my class in which I defined as superior and so in relation to them, accepted, allowed and defined us as inferior, as less then, not realizing or seeing that that was not and is not a valuable assessment as there is no substance to validate such a thought, and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to, within thoughts as thinking - exist as separation in creating polarity as myself and others wherein I define myself and others as less then those that I define as superior and to within this, create a relationship within/as myself that I do not like and thus lead to actions which are not best for all as I see/realize/understand that to place myself as inferior to another, I will always attempt to be superior and within this always act out of self interest in attempting to make myself more - not realizing I was the one that made myself 'less'

When and as I see myself accepting and allowing myself to define myself as inferior to another or another as inferior to others, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to physical reality as substance, as who I am as my physical body and take a real look at what I am doing in such a moment, and investigate where I am separating myself from myself as life - in existing as thoughts in my mind as comparisons, creating polarity and thus constructing a space in which I can move from as self interest as I see/realize/understand that to accept myself as less then, I will forever attempt and try to be become more, without consideration of what harm I might do, as accepting inferiority allows one to desire more, in fear of the inFEARiority that is being accepted and thus I commit myself to stop the abuse on myself and others through accepting comparisons that allow for some to be superior or inferior to others and instead see and realize that I create within me in such an acceptance, a starting point of FEAR and thus move into desire to become more than that which I defined as myself to begin with

To be continued...


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27 May 2013

184: Bonding over Names and Shared Interests

This is a continuation of a series I am currently walking:
181: The Birth of a Bully
182: The Birth of a Bully part 2
183: The Bully Character in All it's Dimensions: Memory #1

In yesterday's blog, I laid out for myself all the dimensions within myself that I found in the memories I wrote out - in investigating myself in an experience/reaction I had and have had throughout my life.

So here I will go into self forgiveness as releasing myself from the past - from this memory where I acted in a way that was not self honest, was not best for all as it was purely based within my own self interest and did not see/consider how this has a consequence in/as this life for myself and others.

Let's begin:

"Bonding with my friend because we 'share' the same name - defining that as something 'special'"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to determine a 'bond' or friendship with another according to their name and to within this, if their name is the same as mine, to define this as something 'special' and thus within this feel special about the other person as connecting a value to the person according to their name, and also to me where I see that we are 'special' for having the same name and so within this accepting our friendship to be of value and worth based on our names and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and another according to our name - limiting me and another as who we are according to just a name and within this, separating myself and another from others in seeing us as 'special' for having a special name and even within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define our friendship as special because of our shared names, instead of realizing that all the while this point only reveal the ego within self - that require similarities and ways to feed the desire to be special within this world and not realizing how limited it is to see myself or another by just a name

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to another as the definition I give to them according to their name, in placing value in them according to their name and thus feel 'bonded' with them, not realizing this is all made up/created in my mind and thus not an actual relationship made of substance, but only as according to how I see another and myself, limited by the definition of having the same name

When and as I see myself defining myself or another according to their name within seeing myself or them as special and within this, defining another having the same name as me, defining this as something 'special' and enough to determine how I see/view a relationship with them - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself here, and out of the mind as I see/realize/understand that within the mind is where I seek ways to define myself according to our I perceptions of others and my relationships with them, such as defining having the same name as another is something 'special' and thus value it more then others as a way to feed my ego and desire to be special in this word and so I commit myself to realize the ego's pursuit to find specialness within self definitions according to a limited perspective of what it means to have a same name as another and so I commit myself to stop limiting myself and my relationships to be within how I define a name or having the same name as another and even I commit myself to STOP defining myself and other according to their name, and simply seem names for what they are, of practical use in physical reality and thus I commit myself to stop adding value and worth to people and their names and thus allow myself to get to know people for real and find out if a relationship with them is what is in fact best for all, and not according to how I define a relationship to be according to some ideas I have about my name and another's name


"Defining my friendship with Cristina as 'special' because of our common interests of dance":

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my friendship/relationship with Cristina to be of something 'special' because we both had shared the interest of dance, as we both took dance classes and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place value on the activities I do and a friend does as a way to define myself and them as 'special' - as being something that we share in common, yet within this, cast judgment on those that I do not share something in common with and so within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that to like someone simply because they share a commonality with me such as the enjoyment of dance - does not make them or me or 'our relationship' special and that I can in fact find commonalities with all people as we are all human beings subject to this same world/reality, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define similar interests I have in another as something 'special' and base this within the worth and value of creating a friendship with, instead of realizing that this worth and value I am adding to the friendship according to how I define myself and them as the commonalities we share, is only in separation of what actually is of substance, just as being two human physical beings in this world, equal as the substance from which we are made of and that I share this similarity and commonality with ALL that is here and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define some people as more or less according to our shared interests instead of standing equal with all that is here in the realization that we are ALL in fact equal and thus do not require an extra definition of worth or value, as that only cause one not to see where the true worth and value is and that is in/as Life as who we really are

When and as I see myself defining myself and another and our relationship as something 'special' within defining the fact that we have shared interests, and think and believe that because of this - we have a special relationship - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to who I am as a physical, breathing being that is equal to all other physical breathing beings and to within this see/realize/understand that to see a relationship with another as something 'more' then the equality we are as physical life, is to create separation when it is not necessary to sustain a relationship and only in fact serve self interest as self definitions and seeing ourselves and our relationships as something separate from other's and other relationships and so I commit myself to see all relationships as equal in value, as being an interaction of physical beings, here in physical reality and so commit myself to stop adding value and worth separate form me here as to define me and another according to our shared interest and to within this define us as special and our relationship as special - instead, I commit myself to realize the shared interest of all which would be to be able to live life here, freely and unconditionally as what is best for all

To be continued...



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25 May 2013

183: The Bully Character in all it's Dimensions: Memory #1

Ok so I am continuing from the previous two blogs, The Birth of a Bully Part 1 & 2, in identifying this 'bully character' from memories that I found in investigating myself as this experience I've had throughout my life of fear of others 'bullying' me.

What I will do here is take the first memory, from the first blog I wrote in this series, and lay out all the mind-dimension that are present in the memory - as a guideline for myself as I walk through the memory, placing myself as 'who I am/was' in that moment as the memory, in order to release it from myself, with self forgiveness and self corrective statements/application, in no longer being influenced by 'who I was' in my past, and instead be here, free, without memories directing me within who I am now - or what I will no longer accept and allow myself to be.

Looking at the first memory, this is what I find:

Bonding with my friend because we 'share' the same name - defining that as something 'special'

Defining my friendship with Cristina as 'special' because of our common interests of dance

Defining two 'other' girls in my class as 'cool'

Defining me and Cristina as inferior to the two other girls in our class

Defining the 'cool' girls as superior to me and Cristina

Allowing myself to be influenced by the girls I defined as 'superior' to me in order for them to like me and accept me and so that I could hang out with them/be friends with them

Wanting to be 'cool' as how I defined the two girls in my class

Wanting to experience something better then what I defined/accepted of myself - so experienced myself as inferior to the two girls and so within this, wanted to experience the polarity, as being 'equal' to their superiority in which I defined I would find in 'being their friend'

Deciding to 'dump' my friend Cristina out of fear of not being 'cool' and thus desiring to be 'cool'

Fear for having to tell Cristina I would no longer be her friend and thus desiring to 'get it over with' so that I could move on with my 'new' friends

Thinking and believing I had 'no choice' in that I 'had' to dump Cristina so that those I saw superior to me would be my friend, and that is what I wanted

Raising the tone of my voice because Cristina did not believe me - so raising my voice as 'getting more serious' so that she will understand that I will no longer be her friend

Ran away from her after it was done, like trying to 'get away' from the whole thing and what I had just done - a form of suppression

Adrenaline/shaking in my physical after running away from her - in seeing what I had just done, a lot of energy as the fear rushed through my body for actually doing something I thought I could never do - that I 'faced' her in that moment

Relaxing/calming when I reach the girls as they were laughing and so within this saw the 'approval' as now I can be their friend

*This is not in the memory/written out, but as I write here, I see there was sadness within me for what I had just done, that I could do that to another being, that I could do that to my friend, and ultimately I knew it was dishonest, but my fear of not being accepted and thus desiring to be accepted was stronger then my concern for her and so I suppressed the sadness

Relief the moment was over

"Dumping" Cristina for my own self interest

Years later - seeing anger between us

Being a bully/bullying Cristina

Ashamed that I did this to Cristina

Fear what I did to Cristina will happen to Me

Not considering the consequences I created in my actions toward Cristina, not standing in her shoes, considering how she would experience/define herself after this moment with her

Not caring about Cristina in that moment or how 'who I am' would affect her

Thinking I 'needed to survive' as 'dumping' Cristina to be able to hang out with the 'cool/superior' girls

Reacting to seeing this memory, in seeing 'who I would be' if I were to stand in her shoes in that moment as the memory - feeling ashamed

Cool - so this is what I found in looking back at the first blog in this point and so as I continue, I will take each point laid out here and apply self forgiveness as taking responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and from this moment, as the seed in which I planted as myself - what grew from it, a rotten experience/acceptance of self.

To be continued...


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24 May 2013

182: The Birth of a Bully part 2

This is continuing from yesterday's blog: Day 181: The Birth of a Bully

So yesterday I wrote out a memory that I saw existing within me in relation to an   experience/reaction I was having within myself. It was this fear of being, how I would defined being 'bullied' - that fear of another is 'messing' with me, is not being real with me, is joking/playing around with me at my expense - basically like thinking they are just fucking with me to get a laugh, like deliberately nasty in pretending to be 'cool' with me when they actually are not. So I saw a couple memories connected to this - where I had actually done this in my life and thus now fear it being done to me.

So yes, the first memory I wrote in yesterdays blog. The 2nd memory I will write out here.

This second memory was from when I was in High School, maybe 10th or 11th grade. I was friends with  a girl, we will call M. She had dated a guy a couple years prior who was now dating another girl, we will call her N. N was a girl that I had been in school with since at least junior high. In junior high and maybe even before - we were 'fine' with each other, we got along, were acquaintances, friendly, but  not very close. In high school we did not talk much. So like I said, N was now dating this guy that my current friend M use to date. For whatever reason this was enough reason for us to 'not like' her. I don't even know how this point came about, I mean I original never had a problem with N - but apparently, and had seen in some of my other friendship-relationships, I would become protective of them and attempt to 'stand up' and defend them or something - like I needed to be their protector and not let anyone fuck with them. This instance, I see it was more of an alliance thing, where I was 'taking sides' with my current friend M, in accepting maybe her jealousy towards N for being with her ex-boyfriend. This could also be an assumption - so will just look at the memory.

Anyways - this one day we were standing in the halls of my school. My school would have a monthly 'donut day' - where we would have some extra time in between classes and they would have donuts for all the students to enjoy. We were standing on the balcony of the 2nd floor and N came walking by us (me and M), or maybe she was standing near us. I am not sure what words were spoken in that moment or if M said anything to prompt me, but I threw my used napkin at N. Like out of no where and I recall giving her this 'dirty look' like showing her, "I don't like you - you are a loser" type of look. God, I even shutter at this memory, like who did I think was? And just a memory because like I wrote in my last blog, I have always experienced myself to be a 'kind/nice/caring' person, that would never deliberately try to harm anyone. Clearly my actions show otherwise.

Another moment I had with N at school was during classes. No one was in the halls and I was walking up the steps and I ran into her. I am pretty sure my friend M was there with me. I exchanged some words to her, like taunting her or something, I can't recall specifically what I spoke - but I do recall her saying, "why don't you just leave me alone."

That was the extent of the mean girl character I displayed with her. But seeing this, and after seeing the memory I had yesterday, it is clear why I would fear/think/believe that one would be deliberately nasty/making fun/fucking with me/bulling me - because this is who I have been - this is what I have lived and without awareness as what I was actually doing/what I actually was and no responsibility - I have created this point within myself of fear it happening to me.

I am shamed by these memories, that I actually had the audacity to act in such a way, and even that I could believe that I was actually this 'genuine/nice' being, when it is obvious in my actions I was not. yet that is the thing about who we are as individuals - we do not take into consideration how we live, our actions - what they actually reveal about ourselves, and obviously we do not investigate the inner self - as the mind, where we come up with all these nasty thoughts and judgments and ideas and opinions about others - we just go into these characters or personalities and live them out without question. Or even investigate ourselves in how we define ourselves or believe ourselves to be so 'nice/kind/genuine/caring' - when the physical living does not show this. The idea of myself was not real - who I was in physical reality, how I acted, what I spoke - that is the true nature of what I have accepted and allowed to be 'me'.

So within this, I can also see how I was 'feeling powerful'. Where when I would 'stand up' for my friend(s) in moments, like with N here - it was clearly not a 'standing up' for anyone, only playing ego games and attempting to project some kind of dominance unto her - and yes, see how within this I felt superior and powerful in how I was treating her - yet still fail to see actual reality because of self interest. Where I recall later hearing how N's mom was hearing about how I was treating her and 'had words for me'. So obviously I was creating some kind of conflict in her and that is not cool. Again - did I ever consider how that experience/interaction would effect her life? Or who she is or how she sees herself? I am not saying this like I have so much power to 'change people' - but we don't consider how we can/have influenced people throughout our lives in not really seeing them as a being, but only as another ego we must fight against or compete again or go to war with - or project ourselves as something better. It is really fucked if you ask me.

I will continue in tomorrow's blog with beginning to forgive myself for these moments in my life, where I did not stand equal to and one with another being, and instead allowed the self defined ego as 'needing something' or 'having power' to influence who I am with others and how I treat them - forgiving myself for not loving them as myself, forgiving myself for abusing them for myself.

It's interesting as well - because the only reason I am now looking at these memories is because I - me, myself, had this experience of fear of something happening to me that I have done to others - and so it's like wtf - I would not have on my own accord looked at these moments and considered what I did/who I was - so even in our process it's about self interest. Perhaps another consequence we must face as what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become - and walk this process to ensure we never again accept and allow our self interest/self defined ego to determine what constitutes life and living as an interaction as who we are with/as all that is here.



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23 May 2013

181: The Birth of a Bully

Last night I was doing my own personal writing, I came across an interesting point.

The experience I was writing about was this point of fear - fear of someone making fun of me, laughing at my expense, not being 'real' with me in terms of they were fucking with me - basically pretending to be 'nice' or 'cool' with me but secretly they were making fun of me.

I have seen this point come up within me before - but this time I found the memories that were sustaining it. It was so clear - two distinct memories that allowed me to see and realize WHY I was experiencing this point within myself. I found them in asking myself ok, why would I experience this? Where in my life perhaps have I done this to someone or where in my past have I experienced this before. Basically just directing myself through my mind in looking for anything that 'came up' within me in relation to this. And yes, there they were - just waiting to be dealt with.

So I will write out the memories here and continue in blogs to come with the self forgiveness.

The 1st memory was from when I was in 4th grade. I had a friend, her name was also Cristina. I am sharing her name here because I am no longer friends with her and have no idea where she is in life and so am assuming that she will not read this, lol. Also I want to share because I see it as valid that we shared the same name, it was like a point we bonded over as creating the friendship and also what this memory revealed also is linked to why I have carried it with me and turned it into a fear, as I can see I identified myself as 'her' because of her name. Anyways - We got along and I remember it was still at the beginning of the school year. My family had just moved to Minneapolis from a slightly smaller city and so it was a new area and I had to make friends as I was no longer in school with the friends I had growing up. So Cristina was my friend and we got along nicely I recall, we had some other similarities as she and I had both taken dance classes growing up. So yes, we had some common interest, a common name and we were friends.

Then, there were two other girls that were in our class. They were how I defined 'cool'. Already I can see that I saw myself and Cristina as inferior to them and saw them as superior us. So this is the background information because the moment as the memory stored in my mind is what I can vividly see within me, not so much about my experience meeting Cristina and the time in between the memory. Ok - getting to the memory now...

I must have began interacting with the two 'superior/cool' girls in our class. They convinced me that I should no longer be friends with Cristina and that I should basically 'dump' her. I don't recall if I reacted to this, but I know that I wanted them to 'like me' and to 'accept me' and wanted to be their friends/hang out with them and so we devised this whole plan in how I was going to tell Cristina I was no longer going to be her friend/hang out with her. It was recess and we were all on the playground. Cristina was sitting at a lunch table, with me - it was just the two of us. The two girls were 'hiding out' in a bush next to this small type of building in the middle of the big school yard. They were like behind it but I knew where they were and I knew they were watching me - my back was to them. I remember Cristina did not believe me at first and I had to become more 'serious' and I raised my voice for her to 'get it' - so she would understand that I was serious, I was no longer going to be her friend.

I told Cristina I didn't want to be her friend anymore and I wasn't going to hang out with her anymore. I basically 'dumped' her as a friend. I don't recall her response or reaction in that moment - but fuck, when I opened up this memory for myself I can see EXACTLY who I would be in that moment if I were  to stand in her shoes. So I told her and then I ran away from her, I ran to where the two girls were hiding out and waiting for me. They were laughing and I was in this experience of like adrenaline - like I couldn't believe I did that, like I couldn't believe I had the nerve to actually do that, because I recall now fear in the moment of having to tell her - almost like I had no choice - this is what I had to do in order for the two 'superior/cool' girls to like me/hang out with me and I wanted that. I wanted to be 'cool' and friend with them because I defined them as better then me and I wanted to be better then how I defined myself.

So I ran to them, they were laughing and I was like shaking with adrenaline and glad that moment was over. Cristina and I were no longer friends after that, I don't even know if we spoke. She actually went to school with a friend of mine, and so I 'ran into' her again, like maybe 4 or 5 years later. I remember there was anger/hate between us. I know that I didn't 'dump' Cristina because I 'hated' her, I did it purely out of my own self interest - to make myself better by who I associated myself with. But I definitely recall anger between us when we saw each other again.

Yes - so that is the first memory I saw when investigating this experience I had, of fearing/thinking/believing that someone was making fun of me, of using me/fucking with me just to get a laugh, or like deliberately deceiving me, like not being 'real' with me. And this is how I would define being a victim of a bully - a bully being one that is deliberately nasty to another - laughing at them at their expense. I can clearly see that that is 'who I was' in relation to this moment with Cristina. I did not at all consider her, her feelings or what kind of experience/self definition that would have created within her - like looking at this memory still with me now, playing a role/influencing me in my experience of myself because it's like what I did to her, I fear is or will be done to me. So like I have this memory here as me and this is how it is effecting my life - what about Cristina now? How did that memory mold her into how she experiences herself today? Like - what the fuck, I did not consider the consequences of my actions, of my self interest, of my lack of caring about another human being - I was just so wanting to no longer feel inferior and so did whatever I could to 'survive' - as thinking I 'needed' to be friends with others that I defined as superior. So this is quite fucked up and when I saw this last night I was ashamed because although I recall this memory from time to time - I NEVER considered myself to be a bully. But clearly I was. I did harm to another being and that is something that I cannot take back. So I must forgive myself for this lack of care, lack of compassion, for not standing in her shoes and asking myself, 'would I have this done unto me'?

There is another memory connected to this point, but I will share that tomorrow and then begin the process of forgiveness - in forgiving myself for accepting and allowing myself to value more the self definition of myself - which is NOT REAL, then another human being, that is real, that is of substance, that is me in fact as an equal.


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21 May 2013

Day 180: What Self Forgiveness Reveals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to apply self forgiveness here and so instead just want to write, yet within this writing without applying self forgiveness - I find the physical goes into a discomfort wherein the words are not 'here' as me, the expression becomes forced and I see this clearly indicate an image/presentation I am trying to display as a way to deliberately avoid myself, as the reality of myself that is here and instead pretend 'all is well' in not actually taking a look at what is going on and what I am attempting to hide from myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hide from myself when I come here to blog in not wanting to apply self forgiveness and instead just want to write and within this defining my writing as better then self forgiveness, as I have allowed many times the ego to come out to play, sort to speak, within my writing as a way to display myself as something other's will like - so again this ego/self interest seeking it's validation of it's existence, for being here, yet not realizing the harm I am actually causing, as I am telling myself not to trust myself, that I do not actually know myself and cannot 'hear' myself as what is here as the truth of myself as I try to hide my-self within the personalities I display - and so within this I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist applying self forgiveness here because within self forgiveness - the truth always comes out, the inner-sights of myself become clear where I can clearly see what I am doing and who I am and so within this resist facing/seeing what is actually going on within me and not wanting to see it/share it in fear of what I might find and what others might think of me

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide myself from self forgiveness and hide myself from others as my self forgiveness in still allowing my original fear in my journey to life to influence me as the fear of 'being exposed' wherein I have walked with this protection of not allowing myself to really go deep into what is here as me in fear of how others will see me - how I will see myself - of actually facing the truth of myself

I forgive myself that I have yet to realize that to fear 'exposing myself' as writing my self forgiveness, in seeing how the reality is always revealed as to 'who I am' in what i am accepting and allowing - fear what i might find and fear how this will make me look, instead of realizing that within this fear is the origin of self interest and in my fear of the reality I go into to desire to present something that I can manipulate and control others with as a way to be 'authority' of myself, yet not at all realizing that the authority I think I have is actually an automation of myself wherein I go into specific personalities that I will present and change into to suit my self interest in the moment

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to play games with myself in terms of deceiving myself in not seeing/standing within self honesty when I see what I am accepting and allowing in terms of 'writing' a blog but not applying self forgiveness - as attempting to not 'go there' - not face the forgiveness as I see/realize/understand that that is where I will find the true problem and ultimately the solution and so within this I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can forever run away from myself as the problem and the solution - in thinking if I don't face it, it somehow isn't real, and yet I see it's influence on my in every moment that I do not breathe, the fact that I cannot breathe, here, as directive principle in every moment without the mind stepping in and taking control as the CON of my consciousness that creates a character in which to survive in this world - that that is proof enough that I require to take a good look at 'who I am' in/as my self forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the power I have within/as self forgiveness and I have shown to myself time and time again the truth of myself as I write/speak my self forgiveness as each layer is pealed of the protection I have placed around me in thinking I need a suit to keep others out and to protect my own survival, not realizing that this world is what causes the belief of needing survival and so I forgive myself I have not allowed myself to question the validity of our world system and my belief that i need to survive, in seeing/realizing/understanding that if I would dare to remove the protection, get back to life, to be here and sort out myself and this world in creating a life support system that allows ALL to life - we will no longer need protection from each other - we will no longer need personalities to present as competition - we will no longer need to pretend that everything is ok when we know it is not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed resistances to self forgiveness and resistances in general direct me in my life instead of realizing the gift they are in showing me where i must go - what I must do in pushing beyond the walls that keep me in place and not willing to expand, because once I do - I will no longer require my defense mechanism as the mind of ego that fights for it's survival - I will become life and I will create life for all equally as me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the depth of my self-deception as the ego of my mind as self interest that forms in many ways in my life is too much for me to handle, is to much to see, is too much as being more then me, instead of realizing it is me and as I see the simplicity of breathing, I allow myself to see the simplicity of one thought, of one memory, of one reactions, within one moment - to take on one thing at a time within me, as I see I have a 7 year journey at least, with plenty of time to walk myself out of my mind and back into reality, as the real expression of life that is here without the guidelines as the dictatorship of my own mind

When and as I see myself not wanting to apply self forgiveness in my Journey to Life blogs, and instead just write as going into a character/personality that will present something of me that is not real but only masking the reality of me - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to/in/as my self honesty, as becoming real with myself as I see/realize/understand that i have had enough of this fake face that I present that can never last, and cannot stand the test of time as it always fluctuate and exist as inconsistency and thus I see I cannot trust it and so I commit myself to becoming self honesty in each moment of breath as I walk myself into/as my daily Journey to Life blog and push myself to not be fake with myself, to not deceive myself, but instead support myself to become real in seeing what it is I am trying to hide, what i am fearing to see, what is actually here and so I commit myself to get to know myself as self trust to be gentle and walk with myself as holding my own hand in supporting myself in this journey into the depths of myself as I see that i might be afraid, I see it is necessary, because if I do not, it will come out in ways I will later regret and so I commit myself to become directive within myself to no longer allow myself to hide from myself, or hide who I really am, or fear myself or fear others - instead I commit myself to support myself with writing self forgiveness as pealing the layers off of my eyes so I can once and for all see for real the totality of our reality and the solutions that are required to be lived as me so I can stand here without fear, worry or blame and instead with/as all life equally - I commit myself to daily self forgiveness in seeing the support it is in taking back the power I have as standing up for/as myself in no longer allow myself to be a slave to my mind as the ego of self interest and instead bring myself back to the interest that is best for all and so seeing this starts with me - it is always me who is responsible for what is here



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179: Why would One Need Validation for it's Existence?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, even within the realization of the nature of myself as self interest, in where I am constantly seeking and seraching to find ways to ‘fill myself’ with a reward for the being in which I display myself as, still exist as the starting point – in still allowing myself to move from/as self interest as who I am instead of stopping and breathing and moving myself from the awareness of what is best for all as I see/realize/understand that to move from/as self interest in not best for all – it is in fact greedy and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as greed as self interest in where I just want to get anything I can to reward myself as a form of validation for ‘who I am’ not realizing that the ‘who I am’ that I am trying to reward is my ego that has been constructed and programmed into me since birth, in where I was taught ‘how to be’ in order to survive in this world and in this world of comparisons and competition I have accepted myself to have to be the best and thus move within this starting point in/as desire to be the best, better than others, something that others will approve of so that I can survive in this world and within this thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this world of survival as competition and comparisons in not investigating whether this is of something that matters – of substance – if it is best for all or best for me as I see/realize/understand that what I(it) create and produce in this world is inequality in all ways and abuse and greed and selfishness and lack of humanity – where we as humans do not care about life, as we do not even care about our own life as the flesh we are because we are too busy within our minds attempting to validate the existence of our ego as needing an reward for the personalities we present that we think are of value and worth and so I forgive myself that I have given my value and worth to a false idol, a false self that does not take into consideration what is actually real in this world and instead separate myself into an illusion as me as ego as the sense of self that needs feedback/validation in order to exists as I see when I do not get the validation/feedback I expect – the mind reacts and wonders “what is wrong” and so I forgive myself that I have so utterly accepted myself to be an organic robot taught and trained to exist for reward, never giving unconditionally but only consuming the FLES(h) as SELF for something that I never bothered to question such as why would I need validation for my existence when I AM HERE – as I breathe – I AM HERE and that is constant and trustworthy and without the need for an external reward system – it simply exists – that’s it – and so I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the true meaning of life and living to be here without need of a reward and thus be able to unconditionally give – as I would like to receive



When and as I see myself existing within self interest – in realizing it is ingrained as the very flesh I am as the movement as me in/as this world – I stop and I breathe and I gift myself the opportunity to get to know myself as who I have accepted as a being of self interest, where I do not take into consideration the life that is here and the life that suffers because of my unwillingness to care as I am too busy caring for the ego of my mind that seeks reward for it’s existence – only proving that I am not life, I am but a programming operated to function in expectation of who I must be in this world as a part of the whole that sustains the very system that takes life and does not give life and so I commit myself to investigate myself in ALL WAYS to find out the origin/starting point of/as my existence and why I believe and have accepted that I NEED something in order to exist as I see/realize/understand that what life is, is equal to and one with the manifestation of the body that breathes – a constant give and receive that does not require validation for it’s existence, it is simply here, sustaining life and so I commit myself to bring myself back to myself as the part of me that is life, as my breath and push myself to remove the self interest that cause inequality and lack of true compassion in this world – I commit myself to get out of my head as the limited space of self interest where I wear blinders to the reality that is here, that I have created without awareness yet am fully responsible for and so I commit myself to become/walk/stand within self responsibility – taking responsibility for what I have created within the starting point of self interest and push myself to no longer allow it – so committing myself to SLOW myself DOWN with/as breathing to see who/where I am within myself as the ‘reason’ for what I do/say/think – to see the starting point of myself as I realize from that is what I create and if it does not produce what is best for all then it is not worthy of life and thus in separation of life and so I commit myself to re-align myself to/as the substance as life as what matters in physical matter as what is best for all

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20 May 2013

178: The Hidden Truth of Inferiority

I am continuing here from Day 175: The Implication of Needing Assurance and yesterday's blog, 177: Who Defines Me as Acceptable or Not?

What I have been seeing is the self abuse I inflict on myself in seeing myself as inferior to another being - in how I go into self judgments and worry and doubting myself because of how I see/define another being as superior to me. So I want to just go into self forgiveness for the experience I had that opened these points up and see what else is here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from another being in seeing them as superior to me and within this define myself as inferior to them and through this acceptance of seeing/perceiving - allow myself to go into fear when communicating with this being - wherein I will judge myself as not good enough and not smart enough and not worthy enough and so within this go into fear of doing something 'wrong' in it not being what I am suppose to do in order for this being to like me and so within this, I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define another being as superior to me as in having the say of 'who I am' in a moment, wherein I will trust the perceived polarity of superiority/inferiority to be 'the way it is' and thus accept myself to exist within fear as judgments of myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within myself in the polarity relationship I have created towards another as being superior to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself in the moment of communicating with another I define to be superior to be - doubt that I am saying the 'right thing' or expressing the 'right way' to within it, attempt to fulfill my self interest of them 'liking me'

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place the power and authority into another being to define whether I am acceptable or not - within thinking and believing that how they perceive me is more important that how I perceive myself

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to trust another's perception of me instead of how I see myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the responsibility to stand as self trust within accepting myself in every moment - when and as I see myself allowing another to be superior to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within standing as inferior to another being in seeing them as 'more then me', and not at all considering equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define another as superior to me because of they way they express themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mask myself as who I actually am in this point of being inferior to another - wherein I think and believe I am a victim because I am placing myself as inferior and then will go into all sorts of reactions and comparisons instead of realizing that what I am ACTUALLY doing is attempting to manipulate myself and another to be that which they will like, so that I get a feeling that will reward me in defining myself as 'ok' - instead of realizing this is a deliberate act of self dishonesty in where I do not take responsibility for who I am in each moment in not allowing myself to play the polarity game as seeing another as more then me, as I have come to see and realizing that it is NOT real, that I am equal to all beings in that we all exist currently as a mind of self definition and it's only through our ACCEPTANCE that we do not see/realize/stand within/as equality and oneness and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to play the part of being a 'doubtful being' wherein I will deliberately doubt myself in attempting to get what I want - fuck that is like so abusive and dishonest

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within the experience that I ALLOW as inferiority to another being

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because I am inferior to another being, then my experience is valid in terms of accepting that I am a victim to another's superiority - instead of realizing I AM creating it ALL within my mind

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within polarity as my mind wherein I will see separation between beings as some being more or less then me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to change myself according to who I am with or communicating with - in realizing that to change who I am is always a deliberate decision of what i am allowing, as when I allow inferiority, I think and believe that I am a victim to the experience and in a way judge the other as being responsible for what I am experiencing - instead of realizing that it is me and what I am doing is quite abusive as I am attempting and trying to manipulate for an expectation - where I expect a being to give me specific feedback that 'makes me feel better' instead of realizing that I DO NOT require that, I can simple be here without the need of another's feedback, without the dependency, without the self interest - as I see it is just a game I play, as I am not actually inferior, it's make believe - believing that I am

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust in the doubt I experience when communicating to another that I have defined as superior to be

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust the fear I experience when communicating with another that I defined as superior to me

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to trust the need for acceptance I experience when communicating with another that I defined as superior to me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust the definition I have giving to another as being superior to me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use others within my world/reality for my accepted belief that I need them to accept me or like me - instead of me accepting me and me liking me so that I do NOT expect that from others, as in doing so I see/realize/understand that I am then only using another for self interest, to give ME what I want, that which I believe is not me or see it is me but not living it as who I am and so again, see it is a deliberate decision in what I accept and allow

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that because I see myself as inferior to another, then I am allowed to have experiences of doubt and worry about myself, instead of investigating what the hell I am allowing as I see it is all ego - defining myself and another within my mind and separating myself from the REAL reality of two physical beings communicating within the substance of reality that is equal for/as all

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use communication as a way to use another to validate me and accept me

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to use communication as a way to present myself in a way that I think another will like and accept me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use another for that which I have not giving to myself and in this way, saying that I cannot or that I wont and so thus seeing that it is a deliberate act of not changing

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to not stand self responsibility in moments of communication with another wherein I will allow the separation as the definition of superiority/inferiority to exist within my mind and thus allow it to influence who I am in the moment of speaking/sharing

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason that I have not accepted and trusted myself as 'who I am' in communication with others is because I have NOT lived/existed in ways that are acceptable or trustworthy - as I see I have always existed within self interest alone, wherein I do/live/act in ways to fill my need of feedback that feeds my ego of being validated and accepted and worthy and so within this, proving that I cannot trust myself as I have manipulated and abused others for my own personal gain, wherein I think I am gaining something by being a certain way with others, or a specific being, such as acceptance so I can clearly see why I do not trust/accept myself because I have yet to live in ways that are acceptable and trustworthy and so I commit myself to releasing myself from the self interest as the ego of my mind that plays games to get what I think I want, such as validation and acceptance - I commit myself to walk my journey to life and the process of self honesty as self change as writing myself out, facing the self interest nature of myself as the mind, forgive myself for what I am accepting and allowing and provide myself support in which I will live to actually change, as correcting myself in the moments of no longer allowing separation as inferiority superiority and instead equalize myself with all that is here - not allowing myself to be influenced by the self interest of "how can I get what I WANT" and instead live in ways in which I can eventually give as I would like to receive - realizing that to take and take and take is selfish and that is who I am within my mind and so I commit myself to give myself back the responsibility to become acceptable and trustworthy in life - in no longer accepting and allowing myself to play games with myself as deliberately choosing to not change, to abuse and to exist in ways that only consider myself and not what is best for all - I commit myself to become worthy of/as/for life


Featured Artwork By: Cathy Kraftt

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