30 April 2013

159 - Day 16 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge: The Lover's Illusion

Relationships, as they currently exists - fueled by the Mind - are a trap that keep people stuck in a bubble of bliss without any awareness of reality. I know it's easy to 'fall' into this experience of joy where we think the whole world is now complete as 'we' have found something 'worth living for' - yet within this we do not have a clue - not an ounce - of what we are actually doing. While we are stuck in the love illusion - this world continues on without any consideration from humanity - no one sees the starving child, no one sees the raped women, no one cares about the homeless man, no one gives a shit about the brutality of this world - because we are all too busy being selfish in our desires for "love". Love does not exist - we prove it everyday by our inability to change a system that cause so much suffering.

Relationships - especially the 'new ones' - are quite specific in keeping one busy in their minds about 'what ifs' and imaginations and fantasies - I wonder why the media and entertainment and this whole consumer system would be so aggressively pushing love, sex and relationships? Hmm.. perhaps to keep people running on their wheel trying to get that next feeling of 'falling in love' - such a trap, an absolute, actual FALL because we Fail to see ALL that is here, as our World. While we see only one other person, focused in and blocking everything else out, or our relationship and how wonderful that is - maybe we need to STOP and take a look around at this world and see for REAL what is going on. This world is NOT getting any better and there is no one, not one being that will save humanity from the consequences we create. WE must BE the CHANGE.

Pop the Bubble of Bliss and stop the lover's illusion and dare to walk IN/AS/WITH reality - getting back to the reality that is real, here, as this physical reality and taking care of and keeping in mind what matters - Physical Matter.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in the illusions of love

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become distracted by the illusion of love

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be blind by the illusion of love

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that love is an energy I create through my participation within/as my mind as the picture presentation of desires and wants, fueled by fear and self interest

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to believe love exists in this world

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to never question why so many seek love more than anything in this world in the face of starving children, war, poverty and destruction

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to never question how love as it now exists, could be a solution to this world, instead of realizing this world is not getting any better depsite the millions who claim "love" is the way

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to exist within tunnel vision in only seeing love in the form of a relationship with another

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself within the ideas of love in my mind, separating myself from my-self HERE in/as my physical reality and what is requiring my direction, attention and care

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become an island of ignorance in my desire for love

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to limit the word love to be only within a sexual relationship as a partnership with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe love exists between two people and not ALL LIFE HERE instead of realizing that is does not exist as all life here because I have accepted and allowed myself to create it in separation of myself as life wherein I have defined it to be within the limitation of sex and relationship with another, formed and founded by energy produced through the mind as thinking and projections and imaginations - never questioning the validity of such a belief of what 'love' is and how to make ti practically real in this world, equal for all

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others as ignoring this reality and those that suffer for my search for Love - how evoL

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that LOVE, as it exists in this world is actually EVOL

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the evol-ness of love in this world as it now exists - in consuming the feeling to perpetuate this consumer world where we just consume and feed of each other and pay no attention to the rest of Humanity; all locked up in their minds as a picture of what love is and the eternal chase for the feelings it produce - not realizing it is a chemical reaction as a program switch, designed to ignite the ultimate distraction, feeling good in the face of the physical matter that suffers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, throughout my life, never question and always accept what is here as Love, as it is portrayed in music, movies and even porn - wherein we have defined love to be something that exists between only two people, bonded and designed to uplift one to the ultimate experience of 'life', the organism in it's search for orgasm - not realizing that the real life here is without such an experience as the fight for survival is the reality of this world

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to enver realize that love in this world is the mask for the humans inheret desire for sex

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit love to be that within an internation with another that can only exists as such, instead of asking - how can love be made real for all - not limited to an expression that does not stand with the ability to see and support all life equally

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to accept a life purpose of searching for love as defined to be within sex and relationships

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to support the love that currently exists in this world as a way to drug myself into submission of a system that abuse all life equally and never stop myself to say till here no futher, I will no longer seek my self interested need for love while this world requires caretaker willing to actually love for real

I commit myself to bring about Love Equally for All as an Equal Money System, founded in the principle of what is Best for All

I commit myself to expose what Love has become in this World - a drug to keep the human complacent and not willing to see REALITY

I commit myself to support myself in learning and living a real expression of Love, that is here, in this physical reality, walking a process of bringing self to self love and in this sharing it with all equally in realizing that Love should not be exclusive, but instead a living manifestation of giving to our neighbors what we would like to receive - LIFE

I commit myself to stop the illusions of Love in/as my mind

I commit myself to getting back to reality and out of the trip of Love that I accepted myself to take

I commit myself to redefining love to be an expression I can live in each moment I have here, as each breath, considering all as my equals and what is necessary to be done in this one life I have

I commit myself to no longer accepting love to be limited within a partnership and sex - I commit myself to expose how love has been used to abuse each other and all life equally

I commit myself to getting real in realizing that if I am not here, but in my mind, on a high of my own design, then I am not loving life, as I am not living here, instead I am in separation as my own creation of a bubble that will eventually have to pop and so I commit myself to pop the blissful bubble of Love and shatter the illusion I have seen it as and instead walk my process of self honesty, self forgiveness and self integrity - pushing and committing myself to Realizing and Living what is Means to be Love as Life for Real


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158 - Day 15 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge - Self Interest in Communication

So while in communication with another recently, I saw an 'easiness' to it where it just flowed, and I was here and could be open and expressive and in that enjoyed myself with/as another. Then we communicated again, and I saw something shift, something change. I know it wasn't the 'other' - it was me - it's always me I see. Because according to how I placed/defined the first communication - placing it on a pedestal within a positive polarity charge - when the communication happened again, I had something to compare it to - created then an expectation and thus did not 'live up' to the initial judgment of it. I went into a negative experience within/as myself and I saw what was creating. Me - me within thoughts and fears and uncertainty and assumptions; interpreting another's words according to my own mental filters and so within this stops me from being here, in/as my communication, unconditional, and instead go into my thinking and wondering and fearing 'what is going on' because the communication is not the positive experience I allowed of it to be the time before.

So it's like setting self up for failure, in existing in expectation and comparison - not allowing the moment to be here and new and without influences from past moments or expectations to be similar to past moments. Why not allow every moment to stand as it's own?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn communication with another into something only about ME, my experience, my feelings, my "needs" - not standing here with as another as the communication we share but instead exist within my mind where there is only self to gain something and usually in the form of abuse towards another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within communicating with another, define it within separation as a positive experience and attach a positive energy to it, wherein I feet 'good' about the communication and so within this, want to hold onto this point as to keep myself 'feeling' positive, but the negative is obviously not a cool experience, and now that i have found a point to get positive energy from, I want to hold onto it as my own personal source of energy - sounds like a vampire eh?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge communication with another as being positive and so within this comparing all others moments of communication as unequal in seeing it as less then the positive reaction and within this I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the communication is what I am experiencing as somethign positive - instead of seeing/realizing/understand that it is ME that I am experiencing; my own self created positive experience that i believe will last an eternity, instead of realizing the harm I am actually doing as the starting point for creating such a definition - as I am within judgment, comparison  expectation and self interest = separation- attempting to seek a fulfilling experience as communication for myself and not being here unconditional with/as ALL that is here in the moment - the other being, the physical environment, the sounds, the smells, the animals - limiting myself into/as this bubble of positive experience not realizing it is by own self creating a bubble that I must now pop

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as expectation in communication with another, as how I defined a previous communication as positive and thus carry this experience as a feeling as energy into/as the next communication and so from there, expect it Will 'be the same' as desiring to have the same experience of 'feeling good' and when I interpret someone's words as not in alignment to my expectation - go into fear and worry and doubt - thinking and believing there is 'something wrong' instead of realizing/seeing what i was doing in that moment as carrying the past into the present and holding it hostage to recreate for myself (self interest  an experience that would escape me from the dullness of communication I think I have with others

And so I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to judge all other communication that I Have with others as being dull - in the comparisons of communication with  another that is cool and effective, yet take this cool and effective point and turn it into something that I can use for my own self interest and abuse of all others, through my mind as seeing them as inferior or boring or not enjoyable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind when and as I feel like communication with another in not living up to the comparisons I have placed on it as being 'enjoyable and cool', as thinking and believing there is something 'wrong' instead of realizing that all I am doing is failing to recreate a pat moment that I defined as 'positive' and thus believing something is now wrong, when in reality the point that is 'off' is me, not here, breathing and not in expectation from the communication to give me something, but to be here, simply, expressing without conditions

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use others for my own self interest in seeking a positive feeling within/as myself

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to become like a vampire in seeking and sucking out energy wherever I can find it - as the positive charge feelings that get my high in defining communication with another as positive - and so when I see this source is no longer providing me with the energy, go into a reaction of believing there is something 'wrong' - when the only thing that is wrong per say is the expectation to fulfill self interest in gaining something from another

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define communication to have to be within the same experience I had previously and so within this judge it if it is not

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to use communication as a means to get energy as positive feelings

I forgive myself that i Have not allowed myself to push to breathe in moments of communication to stop all energy movement within/as me that attempts to define and judge the communication within separation as polarity if either 'good or bad', "positive or negative"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself here as the moment of breathing when communicating with another as I see/realize/understand that if I am not 'here' - breathing, then I am within my mind taking notes and comparing and judging the present to the past, wherein I am then stuck in the past and not 'here' as the totality of the moment and thus not actually able to hear what is here as the words of another and so I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the importance of being here when communicating with another as I see/realize/understand the influence of energy on communication and then becomes the directive principle of the moment, instead of me an so even within this I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself as communication with another in not being here as breathing when speaking/communicating with another and instead give up my power and authority to the mind to tell me 'how to' define it, whether it is acceptable or not, and how I should 'feel' about it instead of realizing that I do not require to feel anything about it, it is just words interacting with another and if my starting point was not within self interest then I would not attempt to make it into something that gives me a good feeling

When and as I see myself wanting to hold onto or holding onto a past moment of communicating with another where I define it as 'positive' - I stop and I breathe and bring myself back here, back to myself as the physical and investigate what it is I am attempting to 'hold onto' as a way to carry the past with me into the present as I see/realize/understand that when I do this I am in judgment of the present moment, the new breath, according to how I have defined the past moment and so I commit myself to investigate who I am within the past moment of communicating with others to see the nature of the relationship I have created towards it and what I am believing I must hold onto and so commit myself to realize that in wanting to hold onto a past moment implies I believe I am missing or lacking something and so investigate within myself with writing, self forgiveness to see what it is I believe I must hold onto, and why I believe I have to generate a positive feeling that in the end I am afraid to lose and so showing that the desire to hold onto something is within the starting point of fear - fear of loss - negative to positive

When and as I see myself attempting to gain a positive feeling as self interest in communicating with another, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to myself here in no longer allowing energy to direct me as I see/realize/understand that to seek a gain in communication with another, such as an energy fix of positive - if I do not get that, then I go into the negative polarity and allow my reaction to influence myself here as the words I communicate with and thus not here, not responsible for myself and so I commit myself to realizing that I do not require energy to communicate with another - I do not need energy to exist - I can function without the positive or negative definition I have given to all things real in reality and thus separated myself from all things here as reality through defining them within a polarity design used to support my self interest



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29 April 2013

157: Day 14 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge - Policing Myself as Self Dishonesty

So here a point I have been 'walking to' in regards to seeing this belief in the background coming to the foreground of thinking that within this 21-Day breathing challenge - I MUST only write about breathing, lol. I realize that the point of this journey was to walk 21 days of really bringing myself back to breath and seeing when I am not, yet at the same time, it's like I don't want to address any points I have seen, but instead just focus on breathing.

For instance, I guess I did write a bit about seeing some addictions to the energy of the mind since I have started this 21-days, but every time I come to sit down, I want to write about breathing and things I saw in relation to breathing, instead of allowing myself to simply write unconditionally what is here and what has been here as me throughout the day.

So it's like placing myself on a path but there are walls keeping me from going off track, like believing that I can only go 'this way' or 'that way' instead of allowing myself to open up and expand on things I see throughout my day, as breathing and this 21-day challenge supports especially in relation to see one's day more specifically, what is coming up in the mind, when I am breathing, when I am not and so yeah, like more with the ability to 'see' clearly. So it's ok for my self to write about thing I see throughout my day, lol - I don't have to police myself into writing ONLY about breathing. As I realize I am not breathing enough to write such a blog, and thus the purpose of this challenge, essentially - to show myself just how much I am not in control of myself and I have created quite the mess in the Mind. But in seeing the problem we can support ourselves with the solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my 21-day breathing challenge is only about breathing, where I believe I can only write about breathing, instead of realizing the real purpose and starting point of this challenge, was the show myself just how much I am not in directive principle and create a new habit of myself in bringing myself back to breath and so I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the process of seeing is how the breathing challenge supports - to see who I am in each moment and to realize that yes, it's ok that I write about these things, there are not 'rules' or ways that I 'have to be' - I can express myself and what i have seen throughout my days where I was either breathing or not, realizing that what this journey has actually shown me is how much I don't breath and so cool to see because within this I have the solution

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept limitation within/as myself in thinking and believing that with walking the 21-day breathing challenge, that is all I can write about in my blog, instead of seeing and realizing that I am here, walking a journey to life, and within this, a journey of breathing for 21 days, yet the point remains that it is about self, self investigation, self honesty, self forgiveness and self movement as self change and so I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to express and expand in/as my writing as I walk the 21-day breathing challenge in thinking that I can only write about breathing

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to actually want to only write about breathing, so I do not have to face or become self honesty about what I see throughout my day and so it's like using the 21 day breathing challenge to hide within my mind and not address what is here as me and so I forigve myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself within the 21 day breathing challenge as a way to not face myself as self writing and self forgiveness, and instead keep me in line in following some rules I made up in my mind that i have to adhere to, instead of stopping and breathing and daring to go into myself in ways in which I have never allowed myself to - the brutal truth of self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself within the 21-day breathing challenge as not being effective, wherein I do not have to share things I saw within myself that I might have reacted to or participated within energy, as thinking and believing that walking this 21 day breathing challenge, I must show some kind of great changes, and because I feel as if I don't/am not, don't want to share it, yet within this dishonesty, expose to myself the starting point of not addressing who I am in each moments and still allowing myself to want to present an image that is of separation of who I am here, instead of supporting myself to get real, to express myself for real, to be self honest for real in sharing all of me as the process I walk in/as the journey to life

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to expand within myself and my process is not using this 21-day breathing challenge to expand on points I see throughout my day where I am not standing with/as breath

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being 'wrong' in not sharing about breathing or not being honest about not breathing and so fear to be punished or ridiculed for not being more effective, instead of being gentle with myself in allowing myself to walk this process unconditionally and without expectation in realizing that it will take moment by moment space and time walking to become effective and directive within who I am, and so as I apply, I learn and grow and expand and so trust myself on this journey to push myself to be more than what i have allowed myself to be

When and as I see myself wanting to 'follow some rule' that I Have placed upon myself as to 'how I must be/write' within my 21-day breathing challenge - I stop and I BREATHE in stopping the belief as the thoughts and the ideas and perceptions - I bring myself back to reality and back to myself here as I see/realize/understand that within this is a dishonesty to not have to face myself as 'opening up' points I see throughout my day, and instead just wanting to write about breathing - and so I commit myself to become self honest with myself in pushing myself to open up more points I see throughout my day where I did not allow myself to breathe, but instead existing in the mind - in these moments, I look back at what I was thinking about, within what energy as either positive or negative, I look at what triggered it, the nature of the experience, who I was within it... I investigate these points as investing in myself in learning about myself and caring enough about myself to actually take a good look at who I am within my day, in aligning myself to become more effective in my application of 'being here' and doing what is necessary to be done as stopping the self interested reality within my mind and living here with/as the physical real reality





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27 April 2013

156: Day 13 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge - Being Self Honest about Not Breathing

I have started and erased this blog 3 times now. What I see is that I want to write a blog related to 'breathing' because of the '21 day breathing challenge' I am walking, so it's like I want to express some kind of profound realization or insight I uncovered today with/as breathing. When the truth is, today was not an effective day of breathing. It was an effective day of doing things that required to be done, but in terms of slowing myself with/as breath, I see I could have been more effective.

And so instead of addressing at or looking at those moments that I did not stop and breathe, bringing myself back here, instead I want to 'pretend' all is well in my process and do not actually looking at the truth of myself. So interesting point because of what I addressed in yesterday's blog, where I see this point of attempting to cover up or ignore what is actually going on, 'behind the scenes' but instead of dealing with it/sorting it out, its instead like, "ok, make a pretty picture of today - "full of cool insights and self support".

lol - I have to be self honest and say this is not an easy process and if it was, it would not be a process, it would an instant change. but instead there is resistance and back chats and automation of behavior and self doubt and desire and the rush of being the mind. So I need to stop being hard on myself in terms of seeing how I am wanting to just ignore those little moments where I see I go into my mind, as saying, fuck, I cannot admit to myself or anyone that I've allowed myself to fall into the mind, and that I wasn't breathing, but if I cannot be self honest about that point alone, then fuck I have a long way to walk still.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberate attempt to ignore and not address as in facing myself in those moments where I see I turn to the Mind for guidance or direction and instead want to pretend that I am ok and that I am clear and all is well

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to beleive that if I ignore those little moments that i go into my mind with thinking and believing "its cool, I'm ok", that I will not have to ever face it, instead of realizing that this reality is based upon consequence and thus who I am in each moment has an outflow in/as creation as consequence and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for the consequences I create in abdicating my self responsibility within being self honest in each moment when I see I am not 'here' but instead attempting to feel better in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the positive within my mind is real

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to never question the real origin of who I am as seeking positivity, as I now see/realize/understand that is starts within a self created/accepted experience of negativity and so through my judgments of myself and my reality I seek out something else, something separate from me here, instead of dealing with myself here

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself in attempting to ignore those moments where I see I go into my mind, where there are thoughts and memories and future projections displaying an image for me to watch and feelings and emotions to participate with and within this, believe that I do not have to take responsibility for this as the moment

I forgive myself that i have accepted anda llowed mysef to want to express myself as being full of insights and having cool realizations instead of becoming self honest with myself in realizing that this process is not pretty, it's ugly lol - because within, the inner self has created a hell and so we have to sort that out and so I forgive myself that i Have not yet allowe dmyself to unconditionally embrace myself as who I am here within and without, in taking responsibility for what i have created as my mind - as the negative being that i am that is attempting to find solace separate from me here

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that instead of running away from who I am, I can deal with it and sort it out and release myself from it - as it is me and thus standing equal to it I have the ability to change it

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the 'real me' as who I am within/as my mind that exists as polarity, starting in the negative and turning to the positive to 'make it better'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue in wanting to present myself as a certain image within having 'cool insights' and self realization within the 21 day breathing challenge, instead of getting and becoming and standing self honest with myself about who I am in each and every single moment as breath and/or separated from breath, in realizing that who I have always been in self deceptive; deceiving myself and others and this reality in not having to have the truth, I have created a hell within/as me where I am not directive principle of who I am in each moment, but instead I am running on autopilot wherein I follow the thoughts and the direction of the mind as fear and desire and self interest - showing me again how this world exists the way it does because of who I am as the existence of myself

When and as I see myself attempting to deceive myself in not looking at those moments throughout my day where I see I fall into my mind and separate myself from breathing, and then want to 'pretend' like I did not fall, but instead had a 'cool day' in terms of having some profound insight or realization as presenting myself as an image I hope others will accept, I stop and I breathe and I do not allow myself to move from self deceptive as I see/realize/understand that who I am in each moment, as thought, word and deed, has an outflow consequence and thus I take responsibility for myself as walking the journey to life in getting to know who I am and how I have created myself to be the way that I am and thus finding out how I create my reality to be what it is, the micro and the macro and so I commit myself to push myself into absolute self honesty in facing the truth of myself as what is going on within my in those moments where I am not breathing; what am I seeing, what am I participating in, what am I believing, why am I not here? and so I commit myself to daily self investigation - to see within me as self intimacy in learning about myself in ways that I have attempted to run away from. No more running, only standing within principles as what is best for all.




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155: Day 12 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge - The Truth behind the Positive


Continuing on the 21 day breathing challenge and the process in general in the last few days, where I have really tested in terms of who I am in each moment of each day and how/when I use breathing, I have really seen some shit behind the picture. Overall I have expressed myself to be a 'positive' person, where besides the fact that I believed thinking/acting only positive would create this in my world and reality - in general my general expression outwards has been positive, where people say, "you always see the bright side." And yes, I do see how I do that, go to see the positive of something. But what I have come to see in the last few days, with going to the aboslute extreme of positivity within my mind, is the negative that is fueling this whole point. The addiction I go into attempting to seek/gain/posses the positive feelings that I thrive off of are coming straight out of absolute hell I inflict on myself internally.

I don't know if I would have ever seen this truth of me without the support I have been given in this process, however I can clearly see that I am a very negative person. And it's always directed towards myself and then from here I project it outward unto others and try to make myself 'feel better' or 'feel more' as to cover up or suppress the reality of how I actually experience myself. It's like I have believed or been taught that it doesn't matter how I actually feel or experience myself, instead just try to look on the bright side, or find the positive. In this, it's just accepting the negative side and attempting to ignore it, but that positive we are seeking is just to cover up the fact that we feel like shit. So why not deal with the shit and remove it from ourselves, so that we can then we can live as a positive being for real? I mean that seems like common sense, face the problem and find a solution, don't just try to ignore or deny it or cover it up with something that makes us feel better. No - go into that point and see what the hell is going on. Why so we experience ourselves this way? What are we believing about ourselves or others or about anything that causes just a negative experience where we then just want to forget about it, not have to face it, but just try to 'make up' for it. That obviously does not solve the problem and actually only feeds it more, as we are then moving from that negative point like, "yes, I experience myself this way so quick, let me try and find ways to make me feel another way, one that I like better, so I don't have to feel this way anymore," but we never consider looking at Why, for what reason or purpose we allow this negativity or where exactly it's coming from.

So that is what I have been seeing in relation to the addictions I have faced. Within the relationship to the addiction I have created, I am coming from a point of self accepted negativity, where I am judging myself and defining myself within limitations as a form of self bully like, "you don't deserve this, or you will never have this, or you are not good enough," and so I try to find "this" outside and separate from myself here, so much so that I will go to the extremes to find it - it's like complete desperation. But what I am desperate for is myself - my self to realize and see what I am doing, who I am, what I am accepting and allowing and that it is all completely unnecessary. I don't have to exist this way, I can actually sort out the relationship I have with myself, that allows myself to be addicted, so I am no longer dependent on something outside of me to give me something, I can live it as myself.

So the point - the positive energy I have been allowing myself to be addicted to, in the forms of thoughts and imaginations and fantasies, is almost like a point of "this is not/will never be reality" and so I would rather exist 'there' than here, with/as myself, as if I believe I must go into the illusions of my mind to make up a reality that I want instead of sorting out the actual physical reality, HERE. So clear to see the separation I have created within myself, where I don't want to even be alone with myself, as I see when I am 'out there' as in my mind, looking to create such a fanciful reality for myself, I am in that telling myself that my real, physical reality is not good enough, something I am not happy or satisfied with, and it will never be of 'anything substantial' - when in reality it is the ONLY things of substance, as it IS substance.

So best to be HERE, bringing myself back into/as/within Reality, as this Physical world. Best to sort out this reality so that I no longer believe I must run from it, or attempt to pretend it doesn't exist. Time to be responsible for the existence of myself. Breathing supports in this Journey, as I have seen/realized/understand it is the only way.

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25 April 2013

154: Day 11 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge - Breathing is Not Enough

Continuing from the point I brought up yesterday in terms of 'how to' face addictions, today I woke up with clear direction in how to support myself, but I was aware of the fact that addictions are a habitual movement within ourselves as in our minds or physical action taken, so it's this point of always doing it, thinking it, 'going there' so to speak, to the point where it like becomes ingrained in the very flesh of ourselves as "who we are", as the nature of ourselves - but really it's just a play out of an acceptance, of a way of living, a daily choice we make, even a moment by moment choice we make, where we decide to do something or not. Obviously what lies behind the 'choice' is the most valid point to consider because this is what drives us to ultimately go into an addiction or not. So when we have created ourselves to be addicted to something, it's because we, every time faced with a choice or decision, we "go there", essentially giving the point power, giving it attention, giving it our acceptance as submission and so we create it to be something "more than us" that we feel we can in no way stop. It is like our own self created monster that we have given (our) life to.

So with this seeing this, I realized that I would walk through my day in 'facing my monster'. I know that I have throughout my life participated in certain thinking patterns and physical movements as action, that over time and over a continuous "yes, I will go there" statement of who I am, it become "automatic" as we program ourselves to be it/do it/live it. So I knew I would face it - the addiction would come up and I would have to in that moment make a choice. So while at first, I was able to stop and breathe and bring myself back to make the decision that I know would support me in stopping this completely, I saw myself fall for a few of the moments till eventually I fell again completely.

This time I took it to writing because while breathing supports in those moments of facing addiction, ultimately the power and control that we have given to something outside of ourselves, as to control us, lies within the relationship to that point we have created. So within the relationship to the addictions like thoughts, beliefs, ideas, perceptions, emotions, feelings, reactions... all these mental components that make up the totality of such one pattern we play out is what supports and enforces the "addictive character". So while yesterday I realized what I could do to support me,  I did not actually address the energy behind it, the emotions and feelings I have participated in relation to it, and without self forgiveness, I can not ultimately take responsibility for this point as seeing who I actually am or what I am actually allowing.

Self forgiveness is the act of taking responsibility in supporting ourselves to See exactly what we are doing. Why we are doing it. For what reason or purpose, because I see behind me I have an apparent 'good reason' for why I do what I do or live the way that I do and this comes in the forms of self definitions; who I accept myself to be according to how I see/accept myself in my mind and from here I create the relationship from myself, towards this point of addiction. And I sustain the existence of such addictions through energy, how I 'feel about it' and actually what I 'get' from it - so again, comes back to the point of self interest. This addiction 'gives me' something that I apparently do not have without it, and I don't care what consequences I create for myself or others within it - I just care about getting this point that "I need." So I see/realize/understand that the only way to actually, effectively walk through an addiction as saying "no, I will no longer accept this of myself" is to apply self forgiveness as taking back self responsibility for what I am allowing/who I am in that addiction. Because I have seen how I attempt to 'walk through' a point without self forgiveness, and when I have walked through a point with self forgiveness - and the latter is the most effective. Because within self forgiveness, we are literally forgiving ourselves for what we are accepting and allowing and within that forgiveness, giving ourselves back that which we believe we do not have, and attempt to find in our addiction  So once we gift to ourselves the ability to forgive, giving back to ourselves what we think we don't have or believe we 'need', we no longer require this point that is outside and separate from ourselves here. Then breathing becomes enough and I am able to live with myself, as myself, in each moment as breath, being here with/as this physical reality and with/as my physical body without 'needing' anything outside of myself to give me something or even to fulfill me.

So, to reiterate this point for myself, self forgiveness is KEY in realizing that breath can only support to a certain extent. Just like self honesty can only support to a certain extent. Just like writing can only support to a certain extent. Just like self forgiveness alone can only support to certain extent - alone each of this points cannot actually change us in how we experience ourselves or who we are as a living statement of ourselves, but together, using all as self support in alignment of the 'process' we must walk through, that is where we find the ability to actually stop, actually physically move and actually be the change, the application of all the above, together, equally as one.

So, breathing, writing, self honesty, self forgiveness, self corrective and self commitment statements support in  walking us through the corrective application, the actual point of change - where we physically, in ourselves and in our world no longer live out the patterns that enslave us to cycles of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not apply the realization that breathing alone will not stop me from participating in my addictive personality - only with the self honesty and self forgiveness and self corrective statements and then application will I be able to change such points within myself as I see/realize/understand that breathing alone only supports to an extent, as when the addiction has been lived over and over an over again in physical reality as the 'nature' of myself, then the power I have given away to it is so great, that I have to be willing to give myself back the power to change it, and I see/realize/understand that I can only do this with self forgiveness as self honesty and giving myself the correct script in which to walk with in "who I am' and who I will and will not accept and allow myself to be and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that breathing is the solution to my self change, instead of realizing that within this I was only attempting to not have to actually change, not actually look at the relationship I have created to my addiction  as not having to face what it is behind the scenes sort to speak of WHY I allow this addiction to continue, to see how I am defining myself and how I am believing I need some external point to give to me something that I believe I don't have and so I forgive myself that I haven't yet allowed myself to unconditionally support myself with ALL the tools I have to support me, which have been given to me unconditionally, which in include not just breathing, but also self forgiveness and self corrective/commitment statements as well as the actual application of changing myself in the moment within physical reality

When and as I see myself wanting to face a 'point of change' in changing the physical behavior without investigating the relationship I have created towards it in separation of myself, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself in getting self honest about who I am within the addictions I have allowed, as I see/realize/understand that depending on how much energy and attention I have given to one point of addiction as constantly thinking about it or constantly acting it out in my physical reality, I will be either able to let it go unconditionally or I will have an energetic submissive role within it where it is 'my god' that controls my life in telling me "I must" and so I commit myself to look at in self honest, the relationships I have created towards addiction, that which I see has become an addiction within my life, to determine whether more writing and self forgiveness are required in getting to 'the point' that is the starting point of it's creation, as to why I allow it, what I am looking for, what I believe I will find, and what I have not giving to myself and so I commit myself to not use breathing as ways to compromise myself in changing myself as thinking I "only need to breathe" but to realize that the tools I have are specific in supporting me to release myself from the bondage I have placed within and as me that keeps me caged to on pattern or one nature of being and so I commit myself to investigate myself with writing, to support myself in realization and self honesty with self forgiveness and to give myself instructions as 'how to be' when faced with the moment of addiction again, realizing that within the corrective statements, I am the one telling me who I will or will not be and no longer accepting what I have created to be my nature as my mind as the force in which moves me, I move me


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23 April 2013

153: Day 10 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge - How to Walk through Addictions and Resistance

I am almost to the half way mark of the 21-Day journey I have been pushing myself to walk. If you would like to see the process from the beginning - you can check out the starting point here.

So the last 48 hours were rough for me in terms of really coming face to face with myself; my mind. What I was seeing were addictive habits that I 'thought' I had put in check, but see that they are still there when certain events/situations take place, like an instant activation and I am running on automatic. So after the last 2 days which felt like an eternity of both bliss and shit - bliss being I followed the thoughts in my head that took me into a feeling of such niceness (or so I THOUGHT) and the shit being while in this addiction, standing in the background screaming to myself, "NO - stop this, Stop this!" But it was like I couldn't until I couldn't take it anymore. And a had to let it ALL go and bring myself back HERE.

"Back to life, back to reality.... back to the Here and Now, yeah yeah."

So what I am seeing and how I am able to support myself through these addictive behaviors is how I have come to see/walk through/face resistances. An addiction is like this intense pull towards something that you have - what you think, to be no choice; you "have" to do it, go there, experience it. A resistance is the opposite, it's like you can in no way shape or form "go there", it's absolutely out of the question. It's like running straight into a wall, and you simply say, Ok, not doing it/not going there/fuck no.

Resistances for me have been a huge point in regards to walking my process, I have faced it every step of the way. Some points I have been able to walk through, through consistently pushing myself to, to just make the decision and then physically move myself to actually physically DO IT - "it" being whatever it is I 'feel' like I don't want to do without any good reason besides what I can come up within my mind as the justification and excuse. So I have experience in "dealing" with myself in terms of facing resistance. As I have been supported to see that that resistance is like a warning sign of my mind saying, "nope, trust me you don't want to come here, just stay there in your comfort zone, don't worry, you can trust me" - and so when I see a resistance, for the most part, I will take myself straight into it as to shatter the wall that acts as only a limitation; a border that apparently I can't cross.

Addictions or being an "addictive personality" - this, although I have been aware of and can see throughout my life, I have not actually been 'aware' as 'seeing' when I go into this addictive mode, because usually it happens so fast and it's like bam, your just in it, consuming and consuming and consuming more and more and more of whatever it is you are after. It's only after your 'done' with it, your filled up, usually when you have taken it to the absolute extreme, then you can see, "Oh shit, what have I done? Why did I do this to myself, AGAIN?"

And in a way addiction IS resistance. Meaning - when I 'want' to do something as my addictive personality, the resistance I experience would be to not do it. So I get an idea in my mind to do something that I know is to fuel my addiction and I automatically comply as I will just do it. Today I noticed that when the idea/thought came up to do it, I stopped and saw this like heaviness in not going there, like literally I was forcing myself not to do it and experienced it like it would be "easier" to just do it - just like I believe it's "easier" to trust in and avoid the resistance. Acceptance as submission.

So, this is cool support in terms of seeing how I am able to support myself within stopping the addictions. The same way I have supported myself through stopping the resistances. Do that which you resist. So I resist going against what my desire as the addiction says for me to do and so I will do that. Not give in to the instructions of my addiction and instead stand self directive in walking through the resistance as stopping the habitual behavior I have enslaved myself to.

And to bring it back to the point - the ONLY way to do this when facing the moment, is with/as BREATH. Breathing. I realize that if I do not stop to support myself when I see I face a resistance/addiction (interesting, I wrote fear here first), then I will automatically run like my program tells me to. So breathing to utilize the self support of/as myself here as my physical body. See it, stop, breathing in 4 counts, hold 4 counts, breath out 4 counts, hold 4 counts and repeat until I have giving myself back the decision of who I am in that moment. When I see the force of the resistance or when I see the pull of the addiction, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here, back to my body, back to reality, back to life, back to my self directive decision to no longer be a slave to myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be.

So cool to see this point and am grateful, I suppose, for what I made myself walk through this weekend. Although prevention is the best cure.

Till tomorrow...




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21 April 2013

152: Day 9 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge To Breathe or Not to Breathe... That is the Choice in every Moment

What use is the knowledge of breathing if it is not utilized/lived/applied?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the knowledge of breath as self support is useless without application

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself with/as breathing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself in not using breath to support myself and instead give into my addictive tendency as seeking energy within/as my mind

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to prevent consequences of how I experience myself in wanting to run away and sleep away my experience because I did not support myself with breathing and instead allowed myself to go within my mind, in using physical energy as substance for the purposes of self interest and within that experience myself as physically sick and weak as I see what I was accepting and allowing and did not stop myself

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to realize my responsibility in utilizing/applying breath to get me through moments where my addictive personality wants to seek out it's fix and instead continue to accept myself as powerless to my addictions instead of realizing that i created and fuel the points and so I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to become responsible with myself in supporting myself with/as breath to no longer support or fuel my desires as addiction to energy

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to stand in moments where I see a decision requires to be made, either take a breath and direct myself or allow myself to fall into the mind and allow myself to follow the trap as energy feelings and to in this moment, deliberately give up my self directive principle for the energies of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for my addictive personality and not using breath to get me through moments where I feel like I am falling to a point where I could never get up from

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in polarity of highs and lows wherein I realize and have seen and understand that if I go into the positive, I will eventually have to come back to reality and that is usually a hard crash landing and so I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to prevent myself from sabotaging myself in my physical living and breathing and stability through allowing the positivity within my mind that I generate good feelings with take me over and completely separate myself from actual physical reality as myself here as breath

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize the support I have with  breathing in deciding not to utilize it when faced with a moment to go into my mind, believing I am not strong enough to stop my participation and that's it's too hard instead of realizing that I have created this relationship as being 'too hard to stop' my participation through each and every single moment I have allowed a thought/feeling/emotions/imagination/reaction/fantasy to exist within me, instead of realizing that I have the ability to stop, yet I must make that decision to do so and then apply/live the tools I have in order to support myself and so I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to unconditionally support myself as living preventable measures instead of bringing myself to the point of consequences wherein I feel like everything is too much and I want to run and hide and not face my dishonesty or responsibility instead of realizing it is the only way out - to stop and breathe and face what is here as me through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately sabotage myself and compromise myself in my process through not utilizing breath through moments where I want to give into addictions as the energy of the mind

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that the only way to stop the addiction to energy and the consequences it creates is breath by breath

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as not able to breathe when facing the extent to my dishonesty and so think and believe I cannot stop here and take a breath, ground myself and reassert myself in/as the physical

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my self agreement and what is valuable and most important in my life in establishing who I am in each moment as self honesty and living principles that are best for all through participating in my minds search of self interest where I completely disregard physical reality and all beings in/as physical reality for the sake of my addiction to energy

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of who I am and what I accept and allow and who I have become in feeling 'bad' about myself instead of stopping this negative experience and breathe and support myself with writing and self forgiveness and self corrective statements I am able to apply in each moment of breath if only I would give this to myself and so I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to give to myself the gift of breathing as pushing through the addiction to energy and remaining stable as self support realizing that I am not longer living effectively when I am consumed by energy being in my mind

When and as I see myself standing in the moment of choice as either going into my mind in search for energy to feed the addictive personality I have created within/as self interest that create consequence within who i am and my physical reality or to stop myself and to support myself with the application of the 4 count breath, when I see myself faced with this decision - I commit myself to stop and breathe and so I breathe in realizing that that is the only way to stop the self destructive patterns I have created within/as me that keep me trapped in the separation of not being here in/as physical reality, taking into consideration all of physical reality, all beings, all practical reality points that are needing my direction and attention as I see/realize/understand that to not breathe is to not live and to not live is to continue to allow the destruction of myself and this reality as in the mind I am only supporting the illusionary reality of energy as the abuse of the physical reality


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151: Day 8 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge - Enjoying my Mind More

Why is breathing important?

Because if you are not here as the breath, time moves fast as you are busy with this and this and that(in your mind) and allowing all sorts of little things to "catch your eye" in pulling your attention and keeping you tunneled into one thing, and before you know it, you have spent the whole day on one fantastically designed mind-trip where you think you are so happy, yet you are utterly so fucked, as the day has been left with your responsibilities still waiting and now have accumulated energy and consequences that could have been prevented.

Ok, so that was just to get the ball rolling here, because I was unsure of the direction I would take in regards to the blog tonight. Today was cool as I supported myself through a fear I had and I did it, and despite the physical reactions, I made it, lol, I'm still here and the support was cool. Yet, from this I was lost within the satisfaction of walking through this point and allowed it to distract me all day. Breathing was here and there, but not constant and definitely not used in supporting myself to direct myself in doing what was necessary to be done. I realize that when I am not breathing, I am not living and I am existing within an alternate reality in my mind; where everything is glorious and I am so happy and I am hopeful of the future - yet within this, i do not take into consideration the physical process in which one would have to walk, point by point, to create such a happy future. I just see/experience the happy future and am satisfied with that feeling. Getting stuck here is literally removing self from reality and from any possibility of actually creating a future worthy to be lived.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize breath today when I saw myself going into my mind, projecting futures and payouts that I desire in being satisfied in my mind's reality instead of standing here for real in physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only ever accept and be satisfied with the reality I can conjure up within my mind, instead of asking myself what it will take to create a reality best for all and myself here in this real, physical reality and no longer allow the mind's reality to become more important than actual reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let go of the responsibilities of my day because of my participation within my mind wherein I did not stop myself because it felt to good to stop myself and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give up my right to life/live through/as my abdication of self honesty here in/as physical reality through my participation in the alternate reality of the mind wherein I am giving my attention separate from what is real, here, in/as/with the physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to squander my day in allowing myself to generate good feelings through/as the pictures and images within my mind wherein I become satisfied with this feeling instead of finding out how to live if for real in physical reality and never questioning why my mental reality does not align with my physical reality; why would I desire to go into my mind instead of remaining here equal and one with life?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe life is defined according to the way that I feel and the better I feel and the more good I feel, then the more I believe I am living, instead of realizing that those feelings are energy which I create/generate/support/manifest within and as who I am through the very act of thinking and all participation within my mind where I am not standing as the directive principle of myself but instead sitting back as the observer watching the movie playing in my head and completely submit to this because it produce for me 'good feelings' and like any addict, I don't want to let go of the good feelings because I believe I need them and beleive I cannot live without them and so I forgive myself that i have so utterly accepted and allowed myself to give up myself as life to the story within my mind as the movie I watch to be entertained and drugged and no more able to effectively exist in reality as walking with/as/through the physical reality = that reality that is clearly showing me that through the existence I have allowed up till now, is not worthy or dignified and in all ways unacceptable and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the responsibility I have in being here, in remaining here, in standing here, in directing myself here in/as/with/through this physical reality as what is here requires attention, correction and support and so I commit myself to give myself to this reality as my body has given me the ability to live, I commit myself to bring life back into this reality as myself through stopping my participation in energy as separation that is used to close people of into little bubbles of happiness and instead I face my world and decide to do what is best for all, for life

When and as I see myself going into my mind to find happiness and excitement as standing in judgment of my reality here and allowing my reality to be without direction, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back into physical reality, out of my mind bubble of illusion as I see/realize/understand the self interest and separation I accept in going into my mind in saying that I have to 'go there' because 'here' is not cool - as 'here' I am faced with myself and so I commit myself to face myself in being here, with breathing and supporting myself through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements as I realize it is the only way to stop my participation in my mind and to bring myself back into real physical reality, standing with/as the physical as the breath




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20 April 2013

Day 150: Recommitting Myself to Breath - Day 7 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge

In the moments before coming here to write, I had a resistance to it. The resistance was in the form of a judgment of myself, for how I saw myself today not breathing effectively, as bringing myself back to my breath.

Yet this is a real negative perspective on my part, as only looking as certain moments where I 'fell' and gave into certain thoughts, back chats and reactions. Yet there were other moments, where I did stop and breathe and not allow myself to follow the mind movement I was experiencing. So why do I focus on the self judgment and not how I did support myself?

More specifically in relation to this judgment as a resistance to writing, it was within the context of holding myself accountable, as I felt I wasn't today and so did not want to share that in my blog, because I was ashamed. This was not a strong emotion of shame, yet it was there and enough to produce thoughts as ways to justify why I shouldn't write and contemplating how I could excuse myself from writing.

This is why I decided to write. Because I've heard this story before from myself and I know this is the process. I will face moments that are challenging, or difficult or downright uncomfortable, yet these are the moments where we have the ability to really support ourselves to grow and expand and no longer accept limitation. I didn't want to "expose" myself as not breathing effectively, as I am walking this 21 day challenge of breathing, so in spite of this, I hold myself accountable to myself, and not to/for others, as this is where I always end up abusing myself the most. Where I misplace my value into/unto others in how they will see/perceive me, yet that is not real, I have already established that is a reflection of myself, so really its a misplaced responsibility for/as myself and who I am here. And so cool to support myself in coming here to write, in not accepting the excuses or the image I might still attempt to project as "doing well", but to become self honest with myself in saying today was not so cool in regards to utilizing breath. Although I did for some moments; was able to let go of some thoughts and emotions that seemed they could really carry me away, and was able to let go of a desire of a quick outcome, allowing myself to walk space and time as each breath, let go of what I have no control over in the moment and direct myself here and what is here in/as my physical environment, so although I was able to support myself within/as breathing, there were others points that I did not use breathing to redirect myself in self direction, but instead allowed resistance, thoughts, desire, emotions and justification to direct me.

I guess I have this idea that after 7 days of this 21-days of breathing, I should be really focused now and almost 'perfected' in my breathing application, but today reminded me of the first day, where I was not aware of myself as breath and allowed a lot of mind participation to influence me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist coming here to write in not wanting to hold myself accountable and to simply give into the experience I was allowing in seeing myself negatively as the judgments I had towards moments where I fell into my mind and did not use breath to support myself in bringing myself back to reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to justify why I did not have to write as I was resisting coming here to take responsibility within/as myself as holding myself accountable for myself, as who I was in my day, instead of realizing the gift that is here as daily writing/blogging - as I am able to reflect each day on who I am, what I am living, what I am accepting and allowing and can easily flag such moments of patterns that I see are self destructive and do not serve the principle of what is best for all and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist that which will support me in facing myself as taking responsibility and holding myself accountable for who I am, as I realize that to turn my cheek to it in accepting the resistance, I am allowing it's existence and my own enslavement to my own creation as who I am within and as the mind and this I will no longer accept and allow

And so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to have expected perfection from myself as only 7 days into my 21 days of breathing as thinking and believing that I must be well on my way to perfecting my breathing application, instead of realizing that really what this process is showing me is just how much I have given all of myself to myself in/as separation in/as my mind, where I have absolutely no control over who I am as the energy I have created/accepted/allowed that i generate through the act of thinking in it's various forms, has got complete power and control to move me, decide for me and influence me to live out in ways that do not support me or what is best for all but that only serve the self interest as me and so I forgive myself that i have never allowed myself to realize the extent to which I have created a dominant force separate and outside of me here that can in a moment flip a switch and I can become possessed and obsessed by what is going on in my mind; completely distracted and disregarding this physical reality and myself as my physical body; absolutely no self awareness as the totality of myself as I have allowed my mind to be my god.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as within this I will have to hold myself accountable for myself and change who I am as I see/realize/understand that to see who I am and how it does not serve me or what is best for all yet do nothing about it as in finding practical  livable ways to change physically, is to basically say fuck you to myself as my physical body and all life here in/as this physical reality, and I know I cannot live with myself to do such a thing, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear holding myself accountable as taking responsibility for myself as who I am in thinking and believing that what is here as me is too bad, to ugly, to painful and to hard to change, instead of realizing that within seeing the problem, I am able to find solutions and so I commit myself to live solutions to what I see as the problem, which is the abdication of myself as directive principle in separation of myself here as my physical body as my physical breath into/unto/as my mind in the form of thoughts, memories, energy as feelings, emotions, reactions, future projections all based on self definitions in self interest as my interpretation of who I am within and as all that is here as this physical existence

So the solution here is to re-commit and decide again that I will become directive principle of myself, I will take back life into my own hands in standing equal to and one with my physical body, as each and every breath and so within this I realize the extent to which I give into my mind and so with this 'in mind' I will push myself to breathe and to stop looking at those moments where I only fall, but to honor myself in those moments where I stand in realizing that one by one, those little moments of standing create a new habit, a new form, a new expression as redirecting and refocusing myself on what really matters in this world, as this one life that I have and that is what is within and as physical matter here as this physical reality and so I commit myself to continue on this 21-day breathing challenging in letting go of expectations but to simply walk with/as breath; directing myself in each moment to do what is necessary to be done and to always stand when I have the ability in asserting to myself as who I am as walking out of the mind and into life. 



Featured Artwork By: Marlen Vargas Del Razo

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