31 March 2013

132 - Fear Put me in my Place

Putting on pause the previous blog series so that I can have a look at an experience I had today within myself.

Last night I posted a picture on Facebook of victims of vivisection, cats specifically. If you don't know what vivisection is, see here. It was a graphic picture of many cats that looked abused and tortured. Why would I share such a picture? Because it is here in our world, it is happening everyday; innocent animals being abused for the sake of human's greed and desire for profit. This is our reality - so why are we not seeing it? Why are we not taking responsibility and sorting it out? These are not images or news stories we hear much about, no no no, we would rather look at pretty pictures that make us happy, feeling good, following the latest celebrity gossip to keep us busy and entertained; anything that makes us uncomfortable or have to face the truth of our world (which is not pretty) is something we would rather not see. "Keep me in my bubble of happiness, please, I don't want to see this reality, thank you very much."

So while we are busy feeling good and looking at bright, colorful pictures and desiring the life of the rich and famous, innocent animals are being abused, not to mention humans that are also victims of our greedy money hungry system of "life". SO I share this because I see our reality, I have taken off my blinders. I cannot hide from the fact that our world is not nice, not at all cool and I care about what is happening. I share to get people to take notice, to see what is going on in this world and for what unjustifiable reasons we accept it, in hopes that enough will dare to care and stand for change, because if we are not ashamed by what this world is, we are not paying attention.

And so I posted this and finished up my usual evening tasks and called it a night. In the morning, again I did my usually morning tasks and ended up back online. There was an inbox message waiting for me and a comment on the picture I posted. This person (who posted the comment and also private messaged me) was not happy that I posted such a picture. He asked me to remove it. Of course I wouldn't, because people need to see, and the cats have a right to be seen as what is happening to them. I asked him what made him more upset, the fact that this exists and is happening in our world or that I posted it on Facebook  He replied that he didn't give a, and I quote, "flying fuck about what he cannot control" and I should just deal with the fact that cats get eaten in other countries. He then proceeded to call me a bitch (in the private message). I ended my interaction with him there.

What I realize is that he is not angry at me, he is in fact angry at this world, and angry at himself, as his words imply, he feels as if "he has no control" over such a thing. I suggested that we do in fact have control and even support it's existence as we participate/accept/allow and in no way dare to question the current economic system that produces such evil things. And so the solution is to be the change, stand for a solution that is best for all and where NO HARM is caused to another - ANY BEING - due to human self interest, lack of consideration for ALL life as equals, or even our own ignorance. We do have control over what exists in this world, as we have the responsibility of what we accept, allow and participate within. We have control over who we are and what we are doing in this life. It's whether or not we realize our ability to take responsibility and change us/it once and for all.

While this realization and clarity came to me later in the day, in the moment of reading his words, "BITCH", I reacted... extensively. My heart started pounding and I started to shake. I really had to breathe to slow myself down, to calm myself because I knew that to move from this experience would not support me. Even the automatic response as the reaction of my physical body/state it went into was not healthy as it was straining the physical, existing in pressure. So I breathed and brought myself back to stability. Yet throughout the morning, long after I had left the moment of this reaction and attempted to continue on my day, doing the tasks that I still required to complete - "it" was still with me. "It" as in the experience, the reaction.... the FEAR. I went into fear after this moment, and the images kept coming up. Fear of him being really angry at me and what this could bring unto me. This person is someone that I know and lives close to me and within this, I feared something happening to me. I feared that he was so angry and I caused such a reaction within him that he would do something to harm me. While I saw these images arising, I tried not to participate or validate them by allowing them. I breathed and said stop each time I saw them coming at me. So this is definitely a point I want to investigate more and apply self forgiveness for, as I realize that fear is enslaving, and I refuse to enslave myself - to my own fears within my mind or to another person. In my past, I would have allowed such a reaction within me to direct me to stop participating in that which I thought would cause reactions with another - I would avoid conflict and put myself 'in my place' in fear of how others saw me, how they felt about me and in no way could I accept another being angry at me.

While I realize fear can be within common sense as a way to direct self not to bring unnecessary harm unto self, this fear was existent as images in my mind, future projections of things happening to me by this person, so these are systems/constructs that require to be dealt with and removed for me to be able to stand up within myself in no longer allowing fear to influence me within my life. So in the blogs to come, I will look more into this point while applying the tools to support me in releasing this fear, as self forgiveness and self corrective statements.

**In addition - there is even fear of posting this blog, fear of this person reading it and becoming more angry at me and again will cause some kind of harm to me. So I will post this as I realize this is irrational. I will not allow fear to control me. To be continued...

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Day 131 - Part 10: The Consequences of what I Accept in a Moment

This is a continuation of:
Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1
Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2
Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions
Day 125 - Part 4: Forgiving the Voices in my Head
Day 126 - Part 5: Correcting the Voices in my Head
Day 127 - Part 6: Forgiving and Correcting the Imagination
Day 128 - Part 7: Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot
Day 129- Part 8: Correcting the Reactions
Day 130 - part 9: Forgiveness & Correction: The Mind Moving the Body

Let's continue onto the Consequences dimension of the moment I have laid out. The consequences are that which I have created through/as my participation within the mind as the moment with A - the outcome of my starting point, or from the input, the consequence is the output. What manifested, was accepted and allowed; what came from me not standing within/as myself in this moment with A as being directed to react to her according to memories, thoughts, feelings and emotions. Here we go.

Consequence
Speaking within energy, creating conflict with another, feelings of guilt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create/manifest the consequence of feeling guilty for my participation within this moment with A, wherein I reacted to/towards her based on past experiences and memories and allowed it to influence me in this moment and thus seeing/realizing that who I was in this moment of reacting to her; seeing what was going on in my mind, how I interacted with her, my physical movement, was within the starting point of separation, I was not directing myself within/as breath, and was definitely not best for all, and so seeing this, and seeing that I did not stand/direct myself in this moment to stop, allowed feelings of guilt for my participation - when prevention is the best cure, and I could have prevented these feelings if/as I would stand in that moment and not allow myself to be directed by the forces of my mid but to instead breathe and let go of the memory that was fueling the experience, or at least save it for later to investigate within myself and not allow it to 'take over' me and direct me to change who I was in that moment with her and how I interacted with her; considering only myself (self interest) and not her as my equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the consequence of feeling guilty as a reaction to this moment with A, wherein I did not take self responsibility, and as to validate this experience in seeing I was 'wrong', allow feelings of guilt to exist as a way to 'make up' for what I did/who I was, instead of stopping the creation of guilt before it could be created - in stopping myself in this moment to no longer accept and allow separation within me; my mind as memories and thoughts and feelings and emotions to direct me within how to interact with A and thus seeing here that guilt was used to make myself feel better for not standing up within/as myself in this moment, so it's like a back door used for not directing myself in the moment, because then I can just feel guilty and that somehow absolves me from taking responsibility because, "it's ok, I feel guilty for what I did, that is enough" - and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use guilt as a means to abdicate my self responsibility in moments, wherein I will allow a play out of reactions/separation within myself in a moment with A and then immediately go into guilt as a way to make it 'right' as defining myself as 'wrong' in the moment and so within this I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'wrong' within the polarity of 'right/wrong' in this moment with A and so then after being in this negative/wrong experience, follow it up with the polarity of having to make it right/positive experience as feeling guilty instead of simply stopping in the moment; the moment I saw the thoughts arise, my physical behavior change and and the reactions play out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the consequence of participating in a 'mind/ego war' with another wherein I was reacting and A was reacting and equally we were reacting to each other, throwing the blame as reaction back and forth and thus not at all effectively communicating or interacting at all, instead standing against each other in defense and resentment

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create the consequence of speaking within energy, wherein the energies I had accumulated throughout the years as resentments/blame/anger to/towards A were triggered in a moment with her by her words and actions, and thus I began to experience the energy as feeligs that I than accepted in that moment and acted upon them, following the mind's instructions of what it was giving to me, instead of stopping with/as breath and not allowing energy to consume me into moving me wherein I then speak within this reaction/blame and thus perpetuating the conflict within myself unto another in/as physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict with another through my words, and actions as the outflow of the inner conflict I was accepting and allowing within me/my mind based within past memories and experiences with A, instead of stopping it as I saw it arise and not allow myself to get carried away by the energy rising within me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take a breath in and clear myself from any/all reactions/blame/resentments/anger/annoyance/irritation I might experience in a moment with A to ensure that I am not allowing myself to act as a reactive robot that follows the thoughts in my mind and instead clear myself as the in breathe to ensure I breathe out/act out/express self honestly in not allowing separation or blame to exist within/as me to/towards another but to instead stand in/as self responsibility within who I am, what I express, and what I will accept and allow

When and as I see myself experiencing guilt for a moment that I abdicated my self responsibility with A as blaming her or reacting towards her, I stop and I breathe and I do not allow myself to participate in feelings of guilt, as I am only perpetuating the lack of self responsibility to stand clear here as who I am without the need for feelings and emotions to guide/direct me as I see/realize/understand that to feel guilty is a play out of not being self honesty/responsible in a moment and so instead of cycling this point in going into guilt for what I did accept and allow that I see is not best for all, I instead commit myself to investigate who I was in that moment, what I accepted and allowed and apply self forgiveness and self corrective statement/application within these points I identify as I realize guilt is unnecessary when change is possible and thus I commit myself to stop feeling guilty as defining myself as 'wrong' and instead live the solution/changes I want to see within this world, within others, within myself to no longer give myself the excuse that I am unable to stand self directive in moments with A and all moments of my life

When and as I see myself participating in reactions within my mind to/towards A and then begin speaking from/as this starting point, I stop and I breathe and within the in-breath I take, I clear/stop/delete all back chats/thoughts/emotions/feelings/reactions I am experiencing to clear myself in that moment so that I breathe out self honesty as self responsibility to ensure that I am not accepting and allowing myself to express myself as the energy of the mind as the reaction as I see/realize/understand that this is self separation, self dishonesty and abdication of life here and so I commit myself to clear myself in each moment I am able, as each breathe I take, removing the reactions that enslave me to act accordingly based on what I am allowing to influence me from within my mind and instead stand self willed/directive here as who I am as life

When and as I see myself communicating words of blame and anger with A, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back here with/as the breath to stop my participation in the expression of energy as my mind and the reactions I am accepting and allowing as I see/realize/understand that this is the consequence of my accepting and allowing myself to participate in the internal mind movement and so I stop myself here, bring myself back here, breathe and do not allow myself to continue as a reaction and instead I commit myself to breathe, and flag such moments to investigate - to see the problem I had created that caused an outcome/experience/expression that is not best for all and could have been prevented

In the blog to following I will be forgiving myself for the memories I was holding onto of past experiences/reactions with A that fueled this whole moment; for carrying the past into the present in not being fully here; not actually living but only existing as a memory.



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29 March 2013

Day 130 - part 9: Forgiveness & Correction - The Mind Moving the Body

This is a continuation of:
Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1
Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2
Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions
Day 125 - Part 4: Forgiving the Voices in my Head
Day 126 - Part 5: Correcting the Voices in my Head
Day 127 - Part 6: Forgiving and Correcting the Imagination
Day 128 - Part 7: Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot
Day 129- Part 8: Correcting the Reactions


So here I will continue onto the Physical Dimension of this moment wherein I reacted physically, changed my physical body, movement, experience all because of the movement that was happening within/as me as my mind. So this is a point revealing how we have enslaved our physical bodies/reality to our internal reality/the mind - wherein depending upon what is going on 'up there' in our heads, we will actually change ourselves to act accordingly - thus this begs the question: Who's in control? What are the forces forcing us to 'act accordingly'; why have we imposed mental images/beliefs/perceptions/resentment/feelings/emotions limitations onto the physical reality that is constant, trustworthy and stable? Seems we have misplaced our value in honoring the Mind instead of physical, breathing bodies. Ok - so let's start

Physical Behavior/Movement/Experience
Physical restriction in my body as I see her, physically moving away from her as she stands closer to me. Match her physical reaction back to her, in that as shaking my head and having a look of annoyance, raising my voice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the moment of seeing/hearing A asking me to do something for her and then seeing her move the leaves from my car, become physically restricted within/as my body, wherein my mind was then triggered by thoughts and memories of resentments to/towards her and in accordance, my physical body reacted equally to this resistances/restriction/tenseness towards her revealing the constraints and pressure placed on the physical body according to what is happening in the mind - again also showing how we abuse our bodies for the participation within our minds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become physically tense/tight/restricted/resistant towards A when I see her move towards me and speak to me, as the defensive position I went into according to the position I took 'against' her within my mind; matching/forcing/aligning my physical body to express this reaction within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically react to A as she stood closer to me within moving away from her, as if I was repelled by her, yet according to the images/pictures/memories/resentments that were coming up in that moment about her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to train my body to follow the instructions of the mind, wherein I allow this play-out in my head to/towards A wherein I believe I have to defend myself as my position of being 'her victim' and thus move myself physically to express this stance, instead of stopping and slowing down to see what I was doing in that moment; how I was allowing myself to be a slave to my mind in that moment in what I was experiencing within me/in my mind, and instead bring myself back to the physical in not allowing the internal mind reality to move me, but for me to move me as the breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in such a way wherein I will physically express/move myself according to what is going on within my mind, revealing that I have enslaved myself to my mind as my master in accepting what is going on and thus then move myself accordingly, acting according to what I am experiencing, without questioning the validity as I see/realize/understand that it is based within/coming from the starting point of a memory - of the past, of experiences I have allowed to accumulate within/as me throughout time/my life to direct me in this moment here and thus showing that I am not actually here, but I am 'back there' stuck in the past carrying it's weight and allowing it to determine who I am in this moment, here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express physically within/as my body the physical stance/expression I saw within/as A - wherein I saw she was reacting to me according to her body language and movement, and so as I was to 'stand up to her/fight against her/hold my position' match her physical expression, as shaking my head, expressing my face to have a look of annoyance and to raise my voice - revealing that I was 'playing the game' of the energy addicts in this moment attempting to win/be superior to her as within I felt she was attempting to be superior to me and no way can I have this, as the ego I need to be the winner and assert my power and so within this I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to play the game of the war of the minds as egos attempting to be superior to another, to be better, to win and to come out as the 'right one' as a way of defining myself according to this moment, all the while not realizing the enslavement I was imposing on myself and her within/as this participation as I was validating/accepting/allowing/participating in this reaction within me and expressing physically in reality

When and as I see myself reacting physically to/towards A, as in moving my body, stepping away from her or matching the physical expression I see from her, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the moment, as the physical reality of/as my physical body, and I do NOT allow myself to express my mental reactions/positions of separation and ego into/as physical reality, as I realize at this stage I have already allowed it to go too far, as I see/realize/understand that to move myself physically according to the mental reactions I am having towards A is a sign that I have been accumulating/participation in this reaction enough so that the energy from this moves me physically. I see/realize/understand there is no self directive will or principle within this - only a slave robot reacting to the past, separating from the physical moment of here as the breath and thus I commit myself to in these moments of reacting physically to stop, breathe and do not allow myself to move physically according to the experience/reactions I am having within my mind, instead I flag such a moment for myself to later write it out for myself, investigate the relationship I was creating within myself/towards A in that moment to see what I was allowing to force me into submission as moving from the mind, instead of making the self awareness choice/decision to move as/each breath and not according to the mental reality that I play the win/lose game with another

In the blogs to follow I will be forgiving the dimension of consequence that arise/manifest from such participation I have allowed in this moment with A, as well as the memories I have used/held onto throughout my life as a way to define myself according to A, in separation, as well as looking at this moment from a retrospect(ive) to see what the problem was, what the solution is and what rewards self can see/live in regards to this type of investigation/self forgiving/self commitments - ultimately why it's best to change.

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24 March 2013

129 - Part 8: Correcting the Reactions

This is a continuation of:
Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1
Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2
Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions
Day 125 - Part 4: Forgiving the Voices in my Head
Day 126 - Part 5: Correcting the Voices in my Head
Day 127 - Part 6: Forgiving and Correcting the Imagination
Day 128 - Part 7: Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot

And so we continue with the corrective application and commitment statements for the reactions I allowed to influence me in a moment, instead of being here, as the directive principle of who I am and to support myself in changing myself when/if these situations arise again.

When and as I see myself reacting in moments to/towards A based on her words or her physical movements, I stop and I breathe and I do not allow the reaction to consume me or direct me in such a moment as I see/realize/understand that the reaction is based on past memories of experiences with A and within this I am separating myself from her, from myself, from the moment in allowing memories to influence myself in that moment and so I commit myself to stop reactions as they arise, breathe and flag such a point to investigate where the reaction is coming from, as I have also seen/realized/understood that reactions are according to a judgment or opinion I have about A and so I commit myself to investigate the point that is directing me to react to A with the tool of writing and instead take responsibility for what I am allowing to influence me in such a moment instead of being here, breathing and interacting with A as my equal, without the direction of memories or past experiences or ideas about her.

When and as I see myself changing myself and my behavior in a moment with A, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to me here, without the influence of the mind, as I see/realize/understand that to allow the mind as memories to direct and influence me in the past, is to give up my power/authority of who I am in each moment here and so I commit myself to stop enslaving myself to the mind of memories and instead release myself from the control I have placed over myself through/as my mind by seeing what 'triggered' the reaction within me, what was it I participating within that moment to allow such reactions to arise and thus sort out this point that I am holding onto through allowing it to trigger me into moments of reactions and instead allow myself to stand unconditionally here, in each moment, as each breath, without allowing the past to direct me in my interaction/relationship with A, I commit myself to let go of the past and instead live life here as the present it is

When and as I see myself being triggered into a reaction of anger/irritation/annoyance/blame/judgment to/towards A, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here, to the moment as the physical and out of the mind as to no longer accept and allow the trigger to carry me 'down the rabbits hole', more into the mind as participating in more back chats and reactions and instead flag this moment, the words, the physical behavior that was the trigger point that I see/realize/understand sends me into moments of abdicating my responsibility and separating myself from myself and from another through projecting blame unto another as the one responsible for me in a moment and so I commit myself to flag these moments that trigger me into reaction, so later, for myself, I can write out what it is that I reacted to, what lies behind, within my mind, as the cause of me allowing myself to react, and to take responsibility for this automation I have set up for myself as an instruction manual for moments with A where depending on how she acts/what she says, I will act accordingly and so I commit myself to stop this process and recreate myself to be free and clear and unconditionally standing here as who I am as life in/as each moment with her

Cool - so we are making progress through this moment. Interesting how much is actually going on within self, the starting point for the 'way we are' in moments, and if we dare to have a self honest look, can see so much more of ourselves than what we were first aware of. So to be continued...




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20 March 2013

128 - Part 7 - Forgiveness for being a Reactive Robot

This is a continuation of:
Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1
Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2
Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions
Day 125 - Part 4: Forgiving the Voices in my Head
Day 126 - Part 5: Correcting the Voices in my Head
Day 127 - Part 6: Forgiving and Correcting the Imagination

So here I will continue the self forgiveness and self corrective statements for the dimension of reaction identified in this moment I have been busy walking through.

Reactions
Anger, annoyance, irritation, blame, judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an automatic reaction robot in a moment with A, wherein I reacted within and as anger to/towards her for her movements and words, realizing that it was all based on past experiences as memories with her and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the past experiences as memories be stored within me as my mind and influence me in moments with A as the presence, keeping me from being here unconditionally with her as who I am as life, but instead allow the past to direct me in 'how to behave' to/towards her according to specific words and body movements that trigger this reaction, revealing no self control, but only programmed responses as reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within/as anger when being around A, instead of taking responsibility for the anger I become in moments with her as I see/realize/understand that the anger is a consequence of accumulative moments that I allowed to bother me yet did not bother to sort out within me and thus have allowed it to continue to direct and influence me without my awareness but still with all of my acceptance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react automatically within and as annoyance when being around A, when she says specific words that I have programmed within myself to trigger specific experiences within myself, such as annoyance instead of realizing the separation I am creating through allowing the moment to be tainted by past memories with her and un-investigated feelings that I have simply accepted and allowed to define the relationship I have with her and thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the triggers I have created within me that automate a certain/specific reaction when in her presence or when she speaks certain words or moves a certain way thus allowing myself to be a robot that has been programmed to act and feel and think certain things in moments with her, instead of standing up within/as me to direct myself in moments and not allow the past to determine who I am here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within/as irritation in this moment with A where I reacted to her words and her body movements, completely internalizing what she was doing and saying with what I have seen in the past and have continued to hold onto as a way to hold it against her as if I am protecting myself, instead of realizing how I am only limiting myself in not setting myself free from the past as memories stored within my mind that are programmed to be set off in certain moments with her, all she has to do is say the right thing, or move in one direction and the program I have created ignites and I am completely consumed by the internal experience of reactions, memories, thoughts, feelings, emotions - completely separated from physical reality as the present moment, as my breathing, into/as the mind as the alternate reality where only I am seeing/experiencing the reaction and yet hold onto it as if it is real and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the internal reality of/as my mind wherein I am completely separate and distracted from the physical reality based on movements and words A expresses, where I have accepted myself to be/act/feel/behave in a certain way - according to her and thus a slave to her and the reactions I have accepted to be me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within and as judgment to/towards A when in a moment with her where she speaks specific words and moves a certain way that I have accepted to trigger certain responses within me and always 'falling' back onto judgments towards her as a way to deliberately not have to take responsibility for myself, because within the judgments I make myself believe I am free from responsibility because the blame is on her, yet not realizing that in the blame I am responsible, within the reaction, I am responsible, within the moment I am all ways, always responsible for who I am and what I participate with, within myself and without as my physical environment and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility to myself in moments with A wherein I accept reaction as judgment to be my experience, never considering to stop accepting and allowing the judgments and instead ask why I am believing myself to be a victim when I am in fact creating/accepting/allowing the very moment with her and how I experience it as

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to consider who I am in the moments where I find myself saying, "I'm sorry, I over reacted" or questioning why I respond certain ways to certain moments with certain people in certain places, never considering these automatic responses as the reactions I allow - that I could actually take responsibility for them, for their creation and for stopping them... that I don't have to be a reactive robot that has rules to follow any time a specific word is spoken or a certain person is in my presence - I don't have to change 'who I am' in any moment, but can remain stable as who I am here as life, equal to and one with the expression of life as the physical process of breathing. Always here, always constant, always trustworthy. And so I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to align myself to the expression of life that is real and true and best for all, as the breath; never with judgment or anger or irritation or annoyance - yet always the same system of support for all, always giving, unconditionally, life to each moment.

The Corrective and Commitment Statements will be in the blog to follow. Thanks.



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19 March 2013

127- Part 6: Forgiving and Correcting the Imagination

This is a continuation of:
Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1
Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2
Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions
Day 125 - Part 4: Forgiving the Voices in my Head
Day 126 - Part 5: Correcting the Voices in my Head

Here I will now walk the self forgiveness and self corrective statements for the imaginations dimension identified in this moment I had as a reaction towards A.

Imagination
Me telling her that her kids are not her slave and that I think that’s the only reason she had kids

So at this point, A and B had already left, and I was back at home, reacting within my mind and a picture popped up in my head. The image was of me talking to A, telling her that I am not her slave, and that is the reason I think she had children. Within this image of me standing in front of her saying this - I was angry and wanting to get my point across to her, and within this I can recall an experience of being desperate for her to realize what I was saying. I realize this is an accumulative thought that had been brewing for many, many years.

What I can see from this is that I wanted to express to her how I was feeling about her always asking me to do things that I saw she was capable of doing herself and within this that I was frustrated that she was not willing to do these things her self but always came to me to do them. I also realize that in imaging me doing this, as the image I saw in my mind, I am still in a point of blame, misdirecting my anger towards her instead of bringing it back to myself in realizing that I could have communicated this to her. I could have asked her why she could not do it, or what was holding her back. But instead I reacted in anger and blame towards her and then went into the victim mode - ah, which is now clearly shown to be just my ego - because within this I can see that I am making this about me, instead of considering her in her own life and what she is dealing with within her own self/mind/being-ness, and what might be holding her back from doing certain things. So interesting to see how self-indulgent the mind can be in making everything about ourselves, where we do not dare consider another, stand in their shoes, open up communication to find out - instead become defensive within ourselves as our minds and then believe we must protect ourselves as if someone is deliberately abusing us.

Ok - so let's forgive this...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, after the moment of reacting to A for asking me to do something for her, and based within past memories of how I defined her as "always doing this" - participate in the picture as imagination in my mind where I am standing in front of her telling her how I experience this, that I am angry and frustrated that she is not willing to do some things for herself and always expects me to do this and so within this participation throughout the years, come to a point wherein I blame her for how she treats her children as defining her to treat them like slaves and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate this point of resentment towards A throughout my life, instead of never bringing the responsibility back to myself within realizing that my experience towards her in relation to this point is what creates the relationship and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my own creation as the experience I accept and allow to/towards A asking me to do things for her - instead of finding solutions that does not involve blame, judgments and anger and instead considers A as my equal and learn how to communicate my own experiences as a way to find a solution together, in consideration of each other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the imagination of my mind of telling A that her children are not her slave - taking a stand 'against her' as if she was to blame for this experience I was allowing within myself - as how I saw/perceived what she was doing in asking me to do things for her, instead of actually finding out for real, and not assuming through making up my own ideas about why should would always ask me to do things I saw she was capable of doing and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume to know how another experiences themselves, always decided that "i know" within my mind, instead of actually getting to know for real, through real/physical communication with another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the imagination of telling A that I am not her slave, accept and allow my ego to make everything about me, in victimizing myself in relation to A, instead of standing in her shoes and asking what was stopping her from doing some things - and to actually will myself to be self honest in a moment if I did not want to do something, instead of doing it, but then secretly judge her for it and so now having to face the consequences of years of accumulated resentments that influence me and the moments I have with her now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a victim within the belief that A thinks I am her slave

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself within my mind communicating to A about how I experience her always asking me to do things that I believe she is capable of doing herself, instead of actually/physically/for real communicating about the point with her as a way to find solutions that do not cause conflict and unnecessary abuse and blame towards another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless to A and her asking me to do things for herself and so within this separation as defining myself as inferior and unable to say no to her - attempt to assert myself as superior within my mind as the imagination of me 'standing my ground' in speaking the words to her that I am not her slave and that is not what children are born to be for parents

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to realize the solution in self honest communication with another, in opening up a point such as not wanting to do something or wondering why A could not do something she is asking me to do and to instead internalize the whys and reasons which leads to no solution, only resentments and anger

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to speak up and tell A that I did not want to do some things that she would ask me to do, and instead always agree and then suppress myself within such a moment of not speaking up and within this suppressing, adding layer upon layer of moments as the very same reaction to the very same scenario, until it manifests within myself as my mind of projected anger towards A that I had towards myself for not speaking up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the fears and worries of the mind that hold me back from speaking my self honesty, of communicating with another as opening up a point or moment to find out what is actually influencing the moment and to instead of taking responsibility for this self-enslavement, blame A for enslaving me

Self Corrective/Commitment Statements
When and as I see myself blaming A within my mind as saying she treats her children like slaves, I stop and I breathe and I do not participate in this, as I see/realize/understand that this is MY CREATION, and thus I am the one responsible for what I am accepting and allowing as the experience of blame projected onto another, and so I commit myself to stop blaming A for treating her children a certain way and instead bring the point back to myself, back to my responsibility as I am the one who accepted and allowed years of reactions and irritation towards A for always wanting me to do things for her instead of communicating to her about the point to find solutions that would be best for both her and I and so I commit myself to stop blame, stop the internal excuse to justify my position 'against' her and instead become a physical living being that communicates physically with another, as my words, and find physical solutions that can be lived

When and as I see myself participating within the imagination of the mind as "standing my ground" to/towards/in relation to A, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself out of the superiority desire I am projecting towards her from within the starting point of feeling inferiority to her, and so I breathe and get back to equality that is here, real for all as this physical reality, and so I commit myself to no longer separate myself in seeing myself as inferior to another as if I cannot say no to someone if they ask me to do something, and than attempt to, within my mind, be superior to them as a way to compensate for the inferiority I allow and so I commit myself to no longer accepting inferiority or superiority within my in relation to anyone, I stand equal, here as life, as all as one.

When and as I see myself participating within my mind as ideas about A's experience or reasons to or why she asks me to do things for her, I stop and I breathe and bring myself out of the knowledge of my mind as the assumptions I make and into physical reality, using who I am as a physical being with physical words to communicate with her in finding out why she must always ask me to do things for her, to get to the root of the situation as I see/realize/understand that to assume to know where A is in asking me to do things for her is based on ideas that have no real substance to them, as they are only filtered through my own interpretations and perceptions which I have proven to myself to be time and time again untrustworthy and always within the starting point of separation as either blame, anger or judgment and so I commit myself to stop the ASS I'm making of myself and another through the assumptions I make as if I know how another experiences themselves and instead find out for REAL - in real communication - opening up the point, asking questions, getting to know for real what is going on and how it can be directed withing the principle of what is best for all

When and as I see myself participating within victimizing myself in my relationship to A, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself here, as self honesty within self responsibility to realize that this is within self interest, making this moment about me and not at all considering A as my equal or where she is within her own process of facing herself as her mind, understanding what she is allowing to hold her back from doing the things she would always ask me to do, as I see/realize/understand that the experience of being a victim is assuming that everything is about me, and not realizing the other being that is here interacting with me equally and thus I commit myself to stand in the shoes of another and do unto another as I would have done unto me and so I commit myself to also not blame A within my mind as if I am her victim and instead stand as self authority and self power to communicate with her to find out what is going on within her and what is limiting her from doing the things she always asks me to do realizing this is what it means to really get to know another, and develop a real relationship - to look beyond what is presented and become self honest and open in communication

When and as I see myself accepting limitation as inferiority to A as wanting to suppress the questions I have about why she will not do what she asks me to do for her, believing that I cannot say no to her and I have to agree, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to me here, as the physical, equally as the physical breathing, stepping out of the constraints of my mind wherein I believe I have to play the part of the 'good daughter' and suppress myself in such a moment of standing up and saying no or asking why she cannot do it for herself as I see/realize/understand that to suppress myself in such a moment only accumulates more moments just like it, until there is no escaping it, until I must face it and so I commit myself to stand up for myself, for my self honesty in moments wherein i do not want to do what A asks of me and I dare myself to ask her why she is not willing to do it for herself, withing the consideration that she is walking her own process and so I stand equal to her in this process of facing self as the mind and support myself and another through communicating about the situation, being honest with myself and another about 'where I am' and find ways that both can accept that is clearly best for both and no longer supports suppression or resentments or fear

Cool to see some hidden points within these self forgiveness that I did not at first glance see when beginning the writing/self investigation of this moment, such as fearing to say no to another and feeling powerless, which I can see how anger that is projected towards another is definitely just a reflection of myself, wherein I am angry at myself for not being honest with myself in such moments and allowed suppression to exist.

Will continue with the rest of the mind-dimensions of this moment in the blogs to come... enjoy!


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17 March 2013

126 - Part 5: Correcting the Voices in my Head

This is a continuation of:
Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1
Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2
Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions
Day 125 - Part 4: Forgiving the Voices in my Head

Here the Self Corrective Statements and Self Commitment Statements for the back chats dimensions identified in the previous blog:

When and as I see myself participating in the automatic reaction of back chats in my mind, where I begin conversing with myself about a situation or another, I stop and I breathe, bringing myself out of my mind and back here into/as reality that is real as the physical and no longer accept and allow the participation within back chats/internal conversations as I see/realize/understand that to 'back chat' within my mind is in separation of what is actually real and is always within the nature of blame, judgment and not considering another as my equal and thus I commit myself to push myself to stop my participation as the acceptance and allowance of back chats/internal conversations regarding an event or situation and of others as being responsible for who I am, my interactions with others and within my life - to always remain 'here' as what is real, with/as this physical reality and to no longer separate myself into the alternate reality of/as the mind

When and as I see myself reacting to A asking me to do a task for her or just a task in general, I stop and I breathe and I look within self honesty as the decision to do so or not and decide whether or not I am able to practical do it or not as I see/realize/understand that to react to A asking me to do something based on past memories and resentments, is to limit myself within what I am able/capable of doing in the present moment and so I commit myself to not react to A asking me to do something, but to instead decide whether or not I am practically able to, as considering the time I have in my day or in that moment, and to instead decide within self honesty whether I can or not and thus I commit myself to no longer be influenced/directed to not do something A asks me to do simply because I am reacting to memories and resentments and instead stand as the directive principle of deciding whether I am able to do the task or not

When and as I see myself blaming A, within the back chat/internal reality within my mind of, for asking me to do something for her, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the physical in realizing that my reaction is based on past memories/experiences with A wherein I reacted to her before asking me to do something and so instead of allowing these memories and past experiences that I allowed become resentment direct me to continue reacting and not at all changing, I instead stop and breathe and decide within self honesty whether I am practically, physically able to do the task or not and let it be, to no longer allow something that I reacted to in the past continue to influence me in my life,  but to instead stand within myself as the directive principle in choosing what I will be/who I will be in this life

When and as I see myself becoming annoyed as the back chats/internal conversations within my mind, towards A for asking me to do something for her, I stop and I breathe and take responsibility of taking the irritation back to myself, as I see/realize/understand that I AM the one Accepting and Allowing the irritation within me, and thus accepting and allowing irritation to be who I am, instead of realizing that it's not about 'her', it's about 'me' and so I, in such a moment, breathe and do not allow myself to blame another for the way I am experiencing myself, such as annoyance or irritation and instead take directive principle to stop the feelings that I am generating through memories and past experiences and instead remain stable here, in self honesty as breath to no longer blame another for the way I accept myself to feel

When and as I see myself projecting the experience of 'being in the way' onto A, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to myself as the physical/my body as I see/realize/understand that to define/perceive another within separation of me is to abdicate the self responsibility I have towards myself as I can clearly see within self honesty that it was me that always felt 'in the way' and so instead of putting this responsibility onto another or A, I bring it back to myself within taking responsibility for myself and no longer allow myself to suppress this experience and instead investigate where this came from, it's origin point in my life where I felt "in the way" as I see/realize/understand that it's throughout my life that I have created who I am and so I commit myself to investigate my life, my experiences, my self definitions and my acceptances and allowances of who I am within realizing that is the only way to actual change and to stop the enslavement of 'something/someone else' being the blame, as I see there is no power in giving another the responsibility I have within myself

When and as I see myself participating in the back chats of my mind as blaming another or judging another for their physical movements as defining them as unable to 'stand still' and believe 'they need something to do', I stop and I breathe and bring myself back here, back to myself with/as my physical body and realize that I have already, within self honesty  seen this is a self experience that I have accepted and allowed within myself, of not being able to simply 'be here' and to instead believe I 'need' to move myself physically as a way to occupy myself and distract myself from the underlying sense of anxiety I experience and have experienced throughout my life and thus I commit myself to no longer projecting myself unto another and instead see the gift they present as the mirror of who I am and thus I further commit myself to stand responsible for myself in what I see in self honesty, as such being unable to 'be here' without the 'need' to move physically as a way to suppress the anxiety I accept and allow, with writing and self forgiveness  to get down to the root of this personality character that I give permission to direct me in moments of my life, to be able to than forgive the self-definitions and beliefs and to be able to free myself as being able to be here, no matter where I am or with whom I'm with, I remain stable, yesterday, today and tomorrow, I am here

When and as I see myself participating in back chats/internal conversations as the nature of expecting A to be a certain way with me or to do certain things for me, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the physical reality within realizing that one must consider the physical reality and what is practically possible for themselves and thus I commit myself to stop expecting something from A and instead realize that she requires to see within herself her own self honesty of what she is able to do, considering the physical reality, money, time... all these physical points the required to be seen in order to make a decision that is in fact best for self and best for all

When and as I see myself participating in back chats regarding A and judging her as having a 'bad attitude' - I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to self responsibility within realizing that it's not 'her' I am seeing, it is me as my mind, as I am the one with the 'bad attitude' in such a moment and so as I see/realize/understand that to judge another within my mind is an act of separation, separating myself from me in the moment as who I am accepting and allowing myself to be and so I commit myself to no longer project myself unto others and always take self responsibility in moments to no longer allow back chats to influence/direct me away from standing self responsible for who I am in each moment

When and as I see myself participating in the energy/war/game of expressing an "attitude" within the nature of spite to/towards another, within justifying that they are doing it to my and thus I can do it to them, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the realization that this is NOT something I will accept/allow within/as myself as I see/realize/understand the game that is being played and realize there is never a winner, only self abuse and abuse of another within limitation and separation based on defining ourselves in separation of each other and so I commit myself to stop the 'eye for an eye' game, as I realize this makes one blind - blind to the reality that the war only exists because one participate in it and so I commit myself to no longer participate in expressing an attitude within/as the nature of spite, as I see/realize/understand that this is also influenced by the past resentments and memories and so instead I commit myself to stand clear, here, as/with each breath to no longer be directed but to instead decide who/how I will express myself as, within considering another as my equal and thus no longer blaming and instead being self responsible for myself in each moment

When and as I see myself participating in the back chats/internal conversations as judgments towards A in thinking she views her children as slaves - I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the realization that I have allowed this reaction as being a victim to her go too far, and so I stop, I breathe and slow myself down to no longer blame her and instead realize that I agreed to help her do things when she asked, and so I was not being direct with her or myself in the moments when I did not want to and instead did, but suppressed it into/as anger/resentments towards A, and so I commit myself to no longer allow myself to abdicate my responsibility within the creation of the relationship I have with A where I judge her as using me as her slave and instead stand responsible within my participation and to investigate within myself all points wherein I have attempted to not be responsible through/as blaming another for the way that I experience myself, to no longer accept this of myself as I see/realize/understand that it is dishonest and abuse of myself and another as life

When and as I see myself participating in a reaction towards A, I stop and I breathe and I push myself to investigate where this reaction is coming from, what triggered it, how I define her and myself within such a situation and to take responsibility within myself for who I am in those moments, as I see/realize/understand that to allow past memories to influence and direct me is deliberately giving my power and authority away, in separation of me here, and so I instead commit myself to bring the point back to myself, investigate it, see where it is coming from and correct it to no longer express judgment, blame, victimization and abdication of responsibility - I commit myself to become responsible for myself in each and every moment, to become the directive principle of myself in/as each moment and to no longer allow suppressed resentments/anger and memories direct me in my life, instead I use them to see who I was to be able to thus change who I am to be that which supports me to live to my utmost potential

In the next blog, I will apply self forgiveness for the other dimensions identified in this moment as well as their corrective and commitment statements.




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14 March 2013

125 - Part 4: Forgiving the Voices in my Head

This is a continuation of:
Day 122 - Walking through a Moment of Irritation part 1
Day 123 - Memories Fueling Reactions part 2
Day 124 - Part 3: A Moment filled with Many Dimensions

Here I will walk the self forgiveness for each dimensions found in this situation, starting with the back chats:

“Why can’t she let the dogs out herself”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the moment of A asking if I would let the dogs out, respond within my secret mind as back chat as a reaction to her words with, “Why can’t she let the dogs out herself” and thus within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to A’s words of asking me to let the dogs out as an automatic response within my mind, instead of breathing here and remaining stable and not allowing my internal reality to react to what is happening in physical reality, as the internal reality participation as back chat is not real, the physical reality is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to A asking me to let the dogs out with internal back chat, instead of simply breathing and realizing that I am able and capable to do a task and thus it was unnecessary for me to react to her words in that moment

“She always does this”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and participate in the back chat in my mind of, “she always does this” when A spoke words to me asking if I would let the dogs out, blaming her for past experiences and carrying the past into that moment, showing that I have held onto resentments that influence our communication and interaction in the moment, and thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to forgive and release resentments towards A from the past as to ensure that I do not carrying the past into the present, limiting the present as I am then allowing the past experiences to influence me and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by past experiences as resentments towards A for asking me if I would let the dogs out – instead of simply being here, breathing, present and agreeing to the task I was more then capable of doing

“She is so annoying”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards A asking me to let the dogs out as back chats in my mind of, “she is so annoying”, blaming her and judging her for the reaction I am accepting and allowing in the moment and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to A asking me to let the dogs out and to from there blame her for ‘being annoying’ when in reality I was ‘annoyed’ with myself for having the reaction in that moment that was in fact unnecessary

“she’s always in the way”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame A in the form of back chat as the reaction to her standing close to me and B as he was assisting me with my car, in blaming her for her proximity to me and defining her as ‘not doing anything’ and thus believe she did not have a right to stand so close and thus believe she was ‘in the way’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own self experience of throughout my life feeling like I was “always in the way” and a bother to others and instead of facing and addressing this point/experience within myself, blame A for being “in the way” and thus I forgive myself that I have abdicated myself in that moment of self responsibility in ‘blaming her’ instead of ‘seeing me’ and what I have lived throughout my life

“She can never stand still” “she is always having to do something”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with back chats in my mind of, “she can never stand still” and “she is always having to do something” as I watched A move towards me and begin to remove the leaves from my car, in that moment judging her for her physical actions and movements – instead of realizing this is a self projection, of how I have lived throughout my life and even currently becoming more aware of how I am unable to simply be here without anxiety or thoughts or feelings directing me to move my body physically as a way to “keep me occupied” within fear of just being here without ‘needing something to do’ and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the self experience I have/had in my life onto A, instead of taking responsibility for myself in such moments wherein I believe I have to ‘do something’ instead of simply allowing myself to breathe and be here

“why cant she just relax”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the back chat in my mind of, “why can't she just relax” as I watched and judged A for her physical behavior and movements in the moment her and I were standing near my car as B was assisting me with it – judging her for her movements in that moment without realizing it was me I was seeing, in how throughout my life I have always felt tense and anxious and did not allow myself to simply breath and be here without stress as thoughts, feelings and emotions to direct me in moments, thus always in a state of anxiety and not allowing myself to let go and breathe here and simply let go and relax

“She’s never willing to help me”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the back chat of “she is never willing to help me” when A was not willing to help me get my car toed, reacting within/as blaming her as not willing to help me within the expectation that as a parent she ‘requires’ to help me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the belief that as a parent, A should always be willing to help me with whatever I need, instead of realizing others have to consider their physical reality and assess their self honesty as whether they are in a position to assist another being or not and so instead of considering this perspective, automatically react to her as being ‘selfish’ and unwilling to help me

“She’s got such a bad attitude”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat/internal conversation of "she's got such a bad attitude" in relation to A and thus judging her for her expression instead of simply standing in self responsibility and not allowing my perspective of another influence what is real as realizing that I was the one in the moment allowing a "bad attitude" influence me within/as reacting to A

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project myself onto A when speaking the words "she's got such a bad attitude" as the back chat/internal conversations within my mind in that moment, instead of realizing that what I was actually saying was reflecting myself and so I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to realize that in that moment of speaking the back chat I was actually speaking about me, and to stop it in a moment with/as breathing and not participating as I realized it was a point of separation wherein I was separating myself from myself in that moment and projected myself outward unto A as the "point of blame"

“If she will have an attitude towards me then I will have one with her”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the back chat/internal conversation of "if she will have an attitude towards me than I will have one with her" as a way to justify and excuse my reaction to A in that moment, wherein I allowed resentments to influence myself in that moment within judging her and thus play the game of war of the minds wherein she was clearly reacting to something I said and I in turn participated as well, matching her expression equally as a way to "stand my ground" and "challenge" her in that moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if another has an attitude towards me, then I am justified to have an attitude towards them, instead of realizing the energy game this is where participants attempt to beat each other as winning through collecting the 'stand' that gives them an energy high as 'being right' and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to play this game through accepting the back chat of "if she will have an attitude towards me than I will have one with her" instead of realizing that an "eye for an eye" cause one to be blind

“She thinks her children are her slave”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat of "she thinks her children are her slave" as reacting to a moment with A wherein I allowed memories and resentments influence and direct me to react to her, as perpetuating the reactions of 'feeling like a slave' in A asking me to do things that I always agreed to but never wanted to and always reacted within, instead of sorting out these points within myself and taking responsibility for my own reactions, instead of allowing blame to direct me within believing it's "her" and what she is doing that causes me to be a victim, when I realize I am not a victim as I equally participated in doing things for her when she asked, instead of supporting her to be able to do them herself and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself in relation to A and her asking me to do things for her, instead of taking responsibility for my agreeing to do the things, realizing that if I agree, than that's it, there is no need to allow reactions or judgments about it as I see/realize/understand this creates consequences that I then carry with me as memories to accumulate throughout time until i reach I point where I am stuck in the past, blaming her for the present moments according to memory, instead of allowing the moment to be new, without the past reactions 'here' directing and influencing me

“Why did she even have kids”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat/internal conversations of "why did she even have kids" as a way to validate, excuse and justify my reactions to A in the moment and further enslave myself to the experience I was accepting and allowing of being a victim to her, instead of taking self responsibility, stopping, breathing and NOT allowing myself to justify my stance of blame projected unto her

“She can’t treat me like this”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat of "she can't treat me like this" as a way to victimize myself in relation to A, instead of realizing in the moment that memories of past experiences and past reactions were accumulated throughout time and I was holding onto resentments and thus use this back chat as a way to further validate 'where I was' in relation to this moment, excusing the reactions and blame, not at all realizing that the words within myself as my mind and these back chats reveal a treatment of another I would not like to be done unto me, and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to treat another without consideration, and equality wherein I stand in their shoes and stand within self responsibility within myself, realizing that any and all experiences, thoughts, reactions and movements within me in relation to another are always my creation and thus my responsibility

“Just because you had children and raised them, doesn't mean we owe you anything”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the back chat of "just because you had children and raised them, doesn't mean we owe you anything" as a way to completely abdicate my responsibility to myself and instead allow myself to be a victim to her in this moment, accepting separation within myself wherein I project my self responsibility unto another as the cause/source/origin of my experience, instead of realizing I was allowing it in that moment, and thus I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to participate in this back chat as a form of war, blaming another for my experience and thus victimizing myself instead of realizing that I am allowing myself to be a victim in how I see/perceived her asking me to do things for her, when I could have stopped any and all reactions about that and simply say yes or no, no ideas or judgments would be necessary and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create unnecessary conflict within myself and with another through judging another and their actions or non-actions and simply participate, here in the physical, as saying either yes to her or no to her and leaving it at that without the internalization within my mind about "what it means" and then go into the whole cycle of blame and judgment


In the next blog I will continue this process of taking responsibility for myself with/as self forgiveness for the other dimensions found in this moment.


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