31 January 2013

112 - Doped up on Hope


Hope as it currently exists is another form of 'positive thinking'/energy high wherein we attempt to make ourselves feel better in the face of what our reality is revealing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as hope as a feeling of ‘hopefulness’ as if to say, “despite how I experience myself, I will ignore that and instead go into hope – because hope makes me feel better and within hope, I don’t have to take responsibility for myself or my world, I can just pretend everything is ok and be pleased with myself in how hope makes me feel”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust in the feeling of hope

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question the feeling of hope

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use hope as an excuse to not face myself within believing that “everything will be ok” and “things will get better” and “everything will turn out ok” instead of realizing this as the consumerism consciousness, wherein despite what reality is showing me, I pretend to not see, and instead turns toward feeling better and attempt to “find the positive” and within this find hope, accepting it as a valid experience I can dwell in while reality is ignored and no one questions why we must hope in the first place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept hope as a natural part of the human expression – instead of realizing how we have used it to turn a blind eye to reality in believing ‘things will turn out for the better’ – somehow, magically on their own, things will work out for this world, instead of realizing the waste hope is as a dope we consume to get high, to feel good, to escape from the realization that we are responsible for this world and how it currently exists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, in the face of challenges and fear and hopelessness, turn to hope as some kind of magic answer that makes me feel better, where I allow the desire for something or someone to come and save me or rescue me so that I do not have to stand up and take responsibility for myself, I can instead exist within hope, sitting…. Waiting… for the day when my hope becomes valid

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that hope is just another word for positivity, within accepting polarity in this world, within accepting the haves and haves not – within accepting inequality… wherein I look to hope to feel better, to trust in because I have given away my ability to create any change and so I sit and wait in hope for something to change, accepting that for some reason I cannot change myself

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to realize the extent to which hope is abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hope in ‘needing’ to ‘find the bright side’ because in the face of the current atrocity this world represents, instead of looking and facing and correcting and changing – instead I rather be in hope, hope that somehow things will get better and change and I do not have to do anything about it… giving up be ability to be self response-able – where I take self responsibility is stopping hope as the waiting game, as the drug that allows me to feel good, and instead stand up and direct myself within this world to create real change with real actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my reality through existing within hope in my mind of ‘something better’

I forgive myself that instead of creating a world where no one needs or requires to exist within hope, where all life is given equal value and equal support to LIVE, I have instead accepted and allowed this world to be what it is, full of abuse and hate and separation and inequality and deceit and then go into my mind, within myself and separate from the rest of the world to dwell in MY hope, where I am apparently safe and secure and do not have to face the reality of this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create hope within myself and not the rest of the world

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that real hope is when real people dare to stand up and question this world, and question ourselves, and who we are and what we have accepted and allowed – and only through the process of self forgiveness and self correction will we be able to release ourselves from the trap of hope, wherein we do not dare act to create change, and instead exist within wishful and dare I say ignorant thinking that keeps us complacent and accepting of our reality.

I commit myself to stop all hope as the dope I use to escape from facing my reality that is equal and one for all

I commit myself to stop existing within hope as the polarity of separation wherein I fear the negative of this world and thus attempt to find the positive as hope

I commit myself to stop all inequalities within myself

I commit myself to expose to all how to allow hope is to allow abuse as one who suffers in this world does not require hope, they require money, they require food and shelter and real care from humanity that is currently trapped in fear of standing in their shoes, and instead holds onto hope that they will not be one of the unfortunate ones

I commit myself to face the atrocities within myself as my thoughts words and deeds that I see in the reflection of the rest of the world

I commit myself to stop hiding in hope and instead stand and take real actions of self change

I commit myself to never give up on myself as giving into hope, as I see/realize/understand that hope is a waiting game for a savior that will never come, instead I allow and commit myself to be the savior I have been waiting for in saving myself from the trap of hope and give to myself that which I have taken from life

I commit myself to end all need for hope, within and without, realizing that hope is only required in the face of a world existing within inequality, where some suffer while others prosper

I commit myself in creating a life support system that is best for all, where all are cared for as Equals as One

Featured Artwork By: Damian Ledesma

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30 January 2013

111 - For Self Give

A point of living/being/doing for outside sources always leads to dissatisfaction and is abdication of self responsibility... all sorts of unnecessary self created experiences - best to bring it back to self and GIVE to self that which we expect to find in others, outside and separate from ourselves here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live for me but to instead look for external stimulation, outside sources and separate motivation to push me to move, to live, to change - instead of living for me, realizing that when I am in the starting point of "doing/living" for others, for outside reasons and sources, within anticipation and expectation, I am never satisfied, I am never fulfilled because within that I am living the statement that I 'need' something outside of me to live, I 'need' something to motivate and push me to change, I 'need' something separate from myself that apparently has power over me to direct me within myself and within my life, and thus not allowing myself to see the dishonesty within this and realize I am able to exist/live within the starting point of self honesty of I am the directive principle, I can live/be/do for me and do not require or need 'outside sources' for me to live/be

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to walk my process for me - withing applying the tools of self honesty, self forgiveness, breathing, writing, self corrective and self commitment statements, as a way to support myself, to get to know myself, to dis-cover myself, to allow myself to actually live and to instead do it within the starting point of guilt and fear wherein I believe "if I don't" then I am a "bad person" and thus only perpetuating the cycles of separation wherein I am looking outside of myself for myself, or looking outside of myself as cause to change myself, instead of simply honoring myself enough to do it for me

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to write for me - consistently to support myself within stabilizing myself, in forming new habits and patterns that actually support me within myself and my living

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to blog for me, but to instead do it within the starting point of "I have to" and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I "have to" do anything and instead realize that I do it FOR me, AS me, within the realization that it is a form of support, of responsibility, of accountability, of the accumulation process of 1+1=2 wherein as I walk each day, I face myself each day and I share myself each day, becoming more stable, and specific and with more clarity in seeing into me as self intimacy

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to forgive myself for me, and instead exist within the belief that I "have to" forgive myself, within defining it as a 'job' that I have no choice about, instead of realizing the gift of self forGIVEness, where I am giving to myself back to myself in stopping the separation within me, in the searching and seeking of myself, of the self definitions that limit me within myself and my living... realizing that self forGIVEness is the only real form of unconditionally giving in this world, as it is without expectation as it is simply an expressing of taking care of oneself and thus I commit myself to take care of myself, to forgive myself, to correct myself as I see within me always as who I accept myself to be as each thought, word and deed and thus I commit myself to walk my Journey to Life for me and only for me, as I see/realize/understand to do it for anyone other then me is not real. I align myself to the realization that only self is here, only I am here, only I experience myself, only I can see the truth of myself and so I face myself, I trust myself, I love myself and I live myself as who I really am, no longer accepting and allowing self limitation, self diminished, seeking for myself 'out there' and separate from me here, I live the realization that I am here, as I breathe, I am me, and I am here

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to find out who I really am – for me, to once and for all face the fear of seeing the reality of who I am within and without, hiding out in forms of entertainment and distractions within energy as emotions and feelings wherein I allowed myself to become consumed and consume myself with anything and everything just so that I don't have to see the real me. I stop and I breathe and I get to know who I am, within and without, realizing this is the only way to change for real, and the only way to realize who we are within/as this world, "as above so below, as within so without" and so as I allow myself to get to know myself, I get to know others, I get to know this world and how it functions and how it exists, as it is me in what I have accepted and allowed

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to trust myself – for me

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to love me

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to accept me

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to enjoy me

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process in an image and likeness as a presentation of myself – to present to others – to be more then others, in fear of revealing the mask as the characters I play and the pictures I portray within realizing that I am hiding something within believing I have to be something else for what? Acceptance, security, love? Why have I not given/live this for myself? I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress and hide who I really am behind and within the mask of the personality and the presentation of the characters I play within each environment I find myself in, realizing this is why I cannot trust myself because I am never the same, I am always changing according to who I am with, where I am and how I experience myself and so I commit myself to investigate the relationships I have created within and towards all things that is here within/as this world - to see how I define myself and others and life and to allow only that which is best for all within the consideration/realization of equality and oneness to be expressed as who I am

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that to live for others is not living at all, as 'living for others' is withing fear of others in giving others power and influence over me and how I live, what I do and don't do, what I express and what I don't express, how I act and how I behave, ah yes... both in fear and abdication, through giving "others" the power over me I accept limitation and also excuse me from not having to change, of not having to take the reigns, of not standing up for/as life as what is best for all - this ends here

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to present an image of myself as a destonian, but not push myself to always apply the tools in which destonians live within and as - realizing this is what has created the separation and polarity and distrust in this world, as we do not live the words we speak, we just speak the words.. and thus the living word becomes evil and dangerous. Thus I commit myself to LIVE the words I speak, in no longer presenting an empty picture, but to in fact apply the tools, to give it a try, a real self honest try, to direct myself, to face myself, to forgive myself and to LIVE myself, as the words I speak, equal and one - to become in fact the living word, to become real, to become substance

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to continue listening to the voice in my head to direct me within thinking and believing I have nothing to change - within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and influenced by the thoughts in my mind and the emotions and feelings I CREATE and accept as "my experience" to be more then me in submitting to them in saying, "I have no control over 'how I feel'", instead of realizing the self abuse, self limitation this is - I stop and I breathe and slow myself in each moment to truly SEE what I have giving my power to and when I am able, I stop and take back the power of myself to be who I am as life, as breathe in each moment HERE

I forgive myself that i Have not allowed myself to unconditionally applied myself within the process as a group with and as desteni through fear of losing my image of how I define myself as acceptable according to others

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to judge the desteni life as monotonousness - instead of realizing the stability I have created within myself and the judgment as the back chat of "my life is boring" is a form of survival me as my mind is attempting to hold onto to, to seek energy through thoughts, and images and fantasies and emotions and feelings and internal conversations - whatever I can conjure up to distract me from the REAL WORLD that is here, wasting away as we are all too busy in our pursuit of happiness. I remain focused on the physical reality, on breathing, on what it is I am responsible and have committed myself to in this ONE LIFE I have, and to continue to support myself within living stability as stability is consistency and consistency is trustworthy and so I stop judging the life I am living and instead support myself to realize the amazing opportunity I have in walking this process of birthing self as life from/as the physical

I commit myself to LIVE for ME

I commit myself to forGIVE for ME

I commit myself to express for ME

I commit myself to bring myself back to myself and stop the search of outside sources for comfort and security, I commit to living the realizations that all that I am is HERE

I commit myself to stop the search for energy as an addict needing another fix

I commit myself to stop giving the power of directive principle away, separate and outside of me here

I commit myself to stop trusting the mind reality of thoughts and trust that which is stable and HERE - the physical

I commit myself to live stability as breathing

I commit myself to stop 'faking' myself in the face of others and take responsibility within removing the mask

I commit myself to self investigations as daily writing, self forgiveness, and self corrective statements

I commit myself to be self honest with myself

I commit myself to the development of self trust

I commit myself to live the words I speak

I commit myself to the Journey to Life

I commit myself to correct within me that which is reflected outside of me/within this world

I commit myself to the process of re-birth

I commit myself to live what is best for me, as what is best for all

I commit myself to principled living - guiding myself within the principles that are best for all

Featured Artwork By: Damian Ledesma

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29 January 2013

110- Starting over as Stepping outside the 'Comfort Zone'


There is this point of not wanting to ‘start over’ whereas I am already established within certain positions/points in my life, as there is already a sense of comfortability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear starting over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to start something new within having a point already established within myself, within my life and thus use this as an excuse to ‘stay put’ and to not move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despite seeing in self honesty that holding onto something just because I am comfortable within its developed pattern, my developed pattern of ‘who I am’ and ‘how I act’ within it, want to hold onto this point of ‘comfortability’ in fear of having to start over, of having to actually change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing within the desire to hold onto a pattern that I define as ‘comfortable’ and fear of having to face something new

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself within staying in the same place, not changing through fear of having to start over, of having to recreate who I am, within the starting point of ‘being comfortable’ with what has already been established and thus use this as an excuse and justification to not change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define starting over, starting something new, letting go of that which I am ‘comfortable’ with (as a place to hide and stay in my comfort zone) as too hard and within the emotion of fear, fear of having to re-walk that which has already been established, instead of realizing that too start over is in fact the gift and opportunity to ‘do it again’ in walking through as facing myself, who I am, and directing myself in each moment to no longer accept my complacent ‘comfort zone’ – but too in fact expand myself within gifting myself with new opportunities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cherish my comfortability more than actually growing in facing new experiences, people, places, things in wanting to stay in my shell of ‘what I know’, instead of realizing the limitation within this, in not allowing myself to ‘venture out’ and actually get to know who I am in moments I have yet to face

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not move myself within not letting go of my comfort zone of what I have accepted and allowed within the pattern of ‘who I am’ in relation to/toward my world and reality, wherein I believe I am somehow protecting myself in not trying something new, and instead justifying the ‘way that I am’ as to why I resist ‘going there’ or ‘doing that’ because I’d rather stay with ‘what I know’, proving to myself that I am not actually willing to live, to grow, to expand and to see what is actually possible in this life

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my ‘comfort zone’ has been programmed and conditioned through my acceptances and allowances within and throughout my life and to hold onto to that is to hold onto the pre-programmed ‘self’ that I define myself as as being my ‘likes and dislikes’, what I ‘prefer and what I don’t prefer’ and “what I am comfortable with and what I’m not comfortable with’, instead of realizing the gift of facing such points that I resist through defining them outside my comfort zone, wherein ‘going there’ and ‘doing that’ would in fact allow me to face the acceptance of ‘why I resist it’ and thus support me to really get to know myself as the inner self that I hide and protect within not questioning or facing or correcting

I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed myself to give myself the gift of trying something new, of starting over in each moment as breath, of letting go of ‘who I was’ as how I defined myself and instead expand into something that is worthy of life, without fear or the need to protect myself as my programmed survival

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ‘start over’ in committing myself to walk through a decision I make, or a resistance I face, or a fear I encounter, to always stop myself in such a moment, breathe, see what it is I am allowing, who I am in that moment, and to MOVE myself through it, to face it, forgive it, correct it and to push beyond what I have accepted as myself, realizing every moment is a gift to ‘start over’ and in that starting over takes the constant and consistent commitment to self to change who self is from that of self interest, fear, desire, wants, to that of life, equal and one with all that is here in exploring what is actually here in/as this world, equal and one with/as myself and thus realizing to allow self to start over is to allow self to get to know self, within and without and thus I commit myself to let go of that which I define as my comfort zone, and to instead expand and grow myself into pushing beyond the walls I have placed before me as where I can or cannot go, who I can and cannot be, what I can and cannot express – I stop limiting myself and allow myself to live

I commit myself to investigating all things within myself I hold onto as a point of ‘comfortability’ wherein I feel safe and secure and protected and fear to let go of, realizing this is the gift of self discovery

I commit myself to stop fearing to start over in starting something new, and instead embrace the change as a gift to face myself in what I have accepted of myself and what is actually possible within/as myself

I commit myself to stop allowing fear to direct myself and my life

I commit myself to the process of self change, self discovery and self intimacy, in seeing within myself in who I am in each moment, what I allow to move me, direct me, influence me, and to always when I am able to, to stop and breathe in getting back to physical reality, equal and one as my physical body, in being ‘here’ and facing/walking each moment as each breathe is ‘starting over’ as the breath I breathe in is self honesty to see who I am in that moment and to breathe out is the self forgiveness of letting go – letting go of my own self created limitations, letting go of my mental reality in which I have defined as ‘who I am’, in letting go of my need to ‘feel safe’ and ‘comfortable’ and instead confront the demons within me and without, as I have and do see, realize and understand what this world is a reflection of who I am, this world accepts and allows what I accept and allow and thus I start with myself, in starting over in bringing myself back to myself, looking inward to change what’s without – moving myself beyond the self created hell

I commit myself to realizing that real comfort-ability is the ability to be with self in the face of all that is here as this physical reality/world - in remaining stable within who I am and not moving from/within the starting point of fear, self interest, desire, wants, ideas, beliefs, perceptions of separation, but to instead stand stable as who I am as life, in each moment, as each breathe, comforting myself within knowing that I am the same, today, yesterday and tomorrow and I will always in all-ways stand up for myself and What is Best for all, equal as one as life.

Featured Artwork By: Andrew Gable

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28 January 2013

109- Stand in the Shoes of another to Make Decisions

A point of ‘keeping my options open’ within not making a decision and thus not considering others in my actions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in two scenarios wherein I believe in both I will win and thus keep both ‘options open’ for me within my own self interest and within this not considering all involved and only considering myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to hold onto two points in my world wherein I believe if one option does not work out I can go for the other options and within this sitting on the fence, not making a decision and only considering my self interest of how I feel, wanting to win within wanting to have ‘either or’ option, wherein if one point does not work out then I will still have the other option at my disposal – within this revealing the deceit and manipulation as I attempt to play the game for me to win, not considering others involved and who they are and their position – thus abdicating myself from the responsibility of standing in the shoes of another, asking if I would like this done unto me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand in the shoes of another within any and all situations and events in my life and thus ensuring I am always giving as I would receive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within greed in not making decisions in my life within facing two options and within wanting to hold onto both

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the nature of ‘looking out for myself’ when faced with two options of either or and within this not wanting to make the decision and walk the decision within and as commitment, but to instead attempt to hold onto both options as a means to come out ahead, on top and as the winner within the fear of not having either options – and within this realizing that I am attempting to own/possess these 2 points as if they are ‘mine to keep’ and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define others in my reality as my property in which I can own and possess and that belong to me and in that fear losing them and so decide to hold onto both points in attempt to feel safe and secure within my position

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to these two options in my reality and within this thus fear losing them as if I am losing myself, as if I am dependent on them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need either one of these two points in my life wherein I believe I have to hold onto ‘either or’ and not wanting to choose one or the other in fear of it not working out and thus attempt to hold onto both within fear of loss and self interest

When and as I see myself contemplating two options within my world and wanting/desiring to hold onto both points within the starting point of fear and self interest, I stop and I breathe and I allow myself to let go in realizing that I would not like this done unto me and thus I stand in the shoes of others and decide to give as I would like to receive and thus I commit myself to in such moments investigate within myself what is best for all, what is best for me, what is practical in physical reality and from there make the decision within self honesty and not within self interest and desire in an attempt to win or ‘feel safe’, but too instead consider what would be best for me and all involved and what is practically possible in physical reality and to walk and live that commitment through letting go of thoughts about an option I let go of, and instead breathe and remain focused on the decision I did make and not let myself wonder into my mind as imagination of ‘what could have been’

I commit myself to stand in the shoes of others and always ask ‘what would I have done unto me’ to ensure I am always standing within/as equality – only giving/living that which I would like to receive and thus trusting myself with the responsibility to care for myself and others as life

I commit myself to stop sitting on the fence when faced with decisions and to instead investigate within myself what would be best, for me and for all, within self honesty introspection and not allowing self interest, desire or fear motivate or move me to make a decision either way

I commit myself to stop the possession/ownership I believe I have over others

I commit myself to stop participating in imaginations in my mind as options and fantasies of ‘what could be’, and instead focus on the physical reality and what is practically possible to ensure I am always living for real, within the consideration of what is real, and no longer allowing self interest, fear, and desire be my guide

I commit myself to becoming the directive principle within making decision within/as the starting point of equality and oneness, standing equal and one with others to give as I would like to receive and to live this in reality through investigating myself within writing, self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective statements, to ensure I am always facing/removing/correcting that which is me of self interest where I attempt to posses/own/hold onto something that is not mine and attempt to ‘win’ through fear of losing

I commit myself to walk the journey to life, to face all parts of me that exist within me, within/as my mind, within the very nature of myself that I have accepted and defined as ‘who I am’ to keep only that which is good/best for all and remove all parts that exist within separation as self interest, desire, fear, greed and abdication of self responsibility for who I am here, equal and one with/as all life

Featured Artwork By: Jessica Arias

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25 January 2013

108- What will Move me?

A point of using my external reality and those within it as the motivation to do something, to move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships with others as motivation for self movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my external world/reality as motivation for self movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sit and wait for ‘something to happen’ in my external reality before I make the decision to move myself, to actually live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if nothing is happening in my external reality, such as an interaction with another, then I do not require to move myself and then I end up just sitting around waiting for something to move me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self movement through giving the power outside and separate from me, to my external reality and those within it – expecting and waiting for something to happen to give me the motivation I believe I require to get something done or do something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my time through not making the decision to life, but to depend upon my reality and those within it to give me what I believe I require, motivation to actually move and do things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent upon the energy I experience when something ‘happens’ in my external reality, wherein I will get a real big energy rush of positivity or negativity in order for me to finally say to myself, ok – time to move, instead of realizing this is existing within reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest myself as a reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within giving the power to move myself outside of myself within giving the power to my external world and those within it to be the determining factor of what I do or don’t do – and thus enslaving myself to others and my reality, instead of living each moment, as breath, and allowing myself to be the directive principle in living for me, no in reaction or expectation or motivation or energy – simply a self movement, self decision to move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to outside sources as motivation for me

When and as I see myself waiting in my reality for something to happen, like a sign giving me the go ahead, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization that this is within limitation and enslavement as depending on others and my reality to make the decision for me to move and thus I commit myself to stop existing as a reaction to others and my reality and to instead, in each moment when I am able, breathe and make the decision to move myself

I commit myself to stop waiting for motivation outside and separate from me here

I commit myself to stop using outside sources as an excuse for not moving myself

I commit myself to stop the addiction to others and my reality as a source of power to move myself

I commit myself to stop giving away my power to self movement

I commit myself to stop waiting and start living

I commit myself to stop depending upon others to move me, but to realize I am able to move myself

I commit myself to realize that to wait for an outside source as motivation to move me is always within energy and self interest as expectation of something I want, and until I get it I won’t move and thus I stop this self abuse and abdication of self responsibility and move myself


Featured Artwork By: Rozelle de Lange

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21 January 2013

107 - Fear of Death


A fear of death came up within me when having to go through some medical procedures

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within fear anytime I have a physical pain or discomfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my physical body as experiencing myself as inferior to it as at any moment something could manifest within and as my physical body that could end my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear no longer living instead of realizing I have never lived, as I have never been here, as I have always existed within my mind separate from the actual physical reality, and thus the fear I see is a fear of losing my mind – the internal reality as thoughts and internal conversations and personalities and characters and memories and self definitions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the moments of allowing fear of death to exist within me, in that moment no realizing that instead of actually living, with is breathing, I am instead fearing about no longer living – realizing quite the fuck up that actually is

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of fear of death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define physical pain and discomfort with death

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in fear of death

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear my physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of my participation of separation from/as my physical body, as I have never actually breathed AS my physical body, I have given value to who I have defined myself within/as my mind – such a limited part of reality, the mind – such a small space to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my physical body in acceptingwho I am’ to be within/as the internal reality as my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest the consequence of no awareness within/as my physical body, of how it functions and exists here in each moment, how each single cell as a part of it works together within equality and oneness to support me to be here, and within this, no consider, honor, appreciate or even acknowledge this within real awareness of walking each moment of each breath and to instead exist within the mind as my thoughts, feelings, emotions and memory, to be consumed and entertained by the energy I produce of ‘highs and lows’ – separating myself from life, proving I am already dead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my physical body and no longer being here as my physical body, instead of breathing in each moment to actually wlak the correction of this fear – stopping it by living it, breathing, being IN my body, AS my body and no longer allowing my mind to distract me from who I am here as my physical body in/as equality and oneness with/as this physical reality and ALL that is here

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that I am my physical body, my physical breath and that is all that is required to live a life of worth to ensure all physical bodies that are in fact equal and one are being cared for and living for real and to allow thoughts as fear of death to distract me from living this realization, then I am existing and supporting self interest within this world as it is within me and thus I stop my self interest as fear of death and face the reality that is here where millions face death from preventable causes and so I commit myself to stop the unnecessary death that is happening on a global scale with a system of Equality - where all are valued as equal and thus supported to live as equals within this realizing all fear of death will end because we will be in fact living equally - no more survival, no more competition, no more self interest

I commit myself to stop all fears

I commit myself to stop the fear of death

I commit myself to realize the contradiction of fearing to lose my life as thoughts in my mind in a moment where I could/can be breathing equal and one with life - actually living

I commit myself to walk the correction of separating myself from myself with breathing in each moment

I commit myself to stop allowing fears to direct me in moments as distracting me from being here, in this reality, as this reality, in/as my physical body

I commit myself to stop participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions as a need to be consumed and distracted and simply allow myself to actually live, as each breathe, HERE in/as self expression

I commit myself to become the directive principle of myself here

I commit myself to walking the journey to life, through self investigation as writing, self forgiveness, self honesty, self responsibility, considering myself as a physical being in this physical reality as well as all other physical beings here that in fact make up a part of the whole

I commit myself to stop fearing life through participating in fear of death

I commit myself to stand equal and one with life that is here

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12 January 2013

106: Expectations Denied

At work I saw myself get very angry – and then embarrassed by this anger. It was gearing up to be the end of the shift at work – and after working a double shift, I was ready to be done. Then I was asked to take a 15 top (table of 15 guests – oh yeah, I work in a restaurant). I looked at the hostess as she approached me about the party and to ask me to take it, and gave her a dirty look – like I knew they were coming to ask me, and I did not want to take the table – because I had expected to be done earlier in the evening – I always have this expectation, and am always pissed off when it doesn't play out that way. I gave her a dirty look – and I saw how automatic it was, because in an instant I was like, “what the fuck is wrong with me? It’s not her fault the party is coming in – she is just doing her job, as I am expected to do my job.” Then my manager asked me to take the table – and so I agreed – in quite the opposite response that I had to the hostess. The exact polarity in fact, like I was super eager and ready to please. I went into conflict within myself then, because I saw how internally I was angry and pissed off for having to take the table and was even expressing this annoyance to another co-worker, and then in an instant, I was exposed as my manager came into the area and said, “thanks for taking the table” and the external personality I presented was not at all how I was really experiencing myself.

Just goes to show how the personality of our presentation never is the true story – it was a fake face I was presenting, hiding the reality of my secret mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations about when I will get off of work while I am at work

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my expectations of getting off work earlier, expect that I will and when reality gives me another scenario, become angry and upset for not having my expectations fulfilled

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hope in being able to get done with work early and within this, not allow myself to be present in the moment of what will come about in actual reality, while I am busy holding onto the mental reality of being able to get off work early

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when my expectations of getting off work early did not play out, become angry and annoyed within myself and outwardly project this unto another co-worker, as if to blame her for my expectations not being a reality and so within this, I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not in that moment take responsibility for my creation of the expectation of being done with work early when reality gave me a reality check in that I had to stay and continue working and within that blame another as a way to abdicate my own self responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my co-worker for the expectations I had created within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically trigger within myself an experience of anger for not having the expectations of leaving work early manifest, instead of slowing down, bringing myself back to breath and facing the reality in which was here – another group of people coming in in which I would have to take care of and so letting go of any expectations I had about leaving work early and simply accepting the responsibility I have committed to within the job I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to outwardly express anger and annoyance with a co-worker when she attempted to tell me there was another group coming into the restaurant; instead of breathing and stopping all blame and stand within self responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my co-worker a ‘dirty look’ as an automatic response to having to take another table, as a way to show her my anger and annoyance for her simply just doing her job – blaming her as if she was the one that invited and created the group to come into the restaurant and within this thus abdicating my self responsibility in that moment for creating expectations about the night and allowing anger and annoyance to direct me within not having my desire to leave work early fulfilled

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my experience of having expectations and the desire to leave work early unto my co-worker in not giving me what I wanted when she came to tell me another group was coming in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when faced by my manager, present another personality of ‘eagerness’ and ‘willingness’ when it came to taking the party – not wanting to show my discontent

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a fake face as being outwardly “okay” with another table coming into the restaurant that I would have to take care, but secretly within my mind, participate in back chat and internal conversations of anger and annoyance for having to take another table – yet not dare reveal this to my manager in fear of how he would react – or actually how I was be seen

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a fake face to others then what is actually my experience in a moment, through fear of how others will see/perceive me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry the anger and annoyance for having to work later then I expected with my through back chat and internal conversations wherein I accepted that my expectation and desire to leave work early was acceptable and valid and to within this, separate myself from moments of being here, breathing, letting go of the anger and allowing myself to simply do what was necessary to be done and what is actually expected of me, to do my job

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and define a co-worker at my job as inferior to me and thus believe/perceive I have the power/validity to assert my annoyance unto them when I do not get my way/what I want and thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see my co-workers, ALL my co-workers as my equals and thus treat them as I would like to be treated – taking responsibility for myself in not blaming them for MY experience, as I would like them to take responsibility for their experiences instead of blaming me/others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my managers as superior to me and within this, fear showing the reality of my experience in the moment of becoming angry for not having my expectations fulfilled, and so within this, present a fake personality/character of being ‘eager’ and ‘willingness’ in fear of losing my job, in fear of how they would see me, and in fear of having them reprimand my for my outwardly display of anger and annoyance and so instead hide the truth of myself and pretend ‘everything was fine’ - when in reality I can see how simple it could have been to simply breathe, let it go, not blame anyone or hide for anyone, simply be in the moment and walk in reality, doing my job, without ideas or personalities or characters I felt I had to display

When and as I see myself holding onto expectations of how a night at work will go – I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the awareness that to hold expectations is to separation myself from the moment to moment, breath by breath living and not allowing myself to be here within what can arise in Life and instead hold onto a mental image of ‘what I want/desire’ and thus limiting myself within my own self interest and so I commit myself to stop existing within self interest as expectations of how I would like to see things go and instead open myself to walk each moment, in willing to face and be present/here with whatever comes my way, however the moments arise

When and as I see myself physically, outwardly blaming another for the experience I have of myself, as not having my expectations met, I stop and I breathe and I DO NOT accept and allow this of myself, as I have already seen/realized/understood that I am the creator of myself in each moment, I am the one who accepts and allows my experience always in all ways and thus I commit myself to stand as self responsibility in each moment in not allowing myself to blame others for how things turn out, and instead bring myself back to breathing to stop all automatic responses within me that cause frictions and abdication of self presence as self responsibility

When and as I see myself reacting within anger towards my reality, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the moment as breath and flag such a moment to see/investigate for myself what it is I was accepting within myself to cause anger toward my reality or others – what I was holding onto, believing, perceiving, expecting and thus not actually willing to walk and live in the moment, as each moment being new

When and as I see myself presenting a personality/character/face that is fake in relation to what is actually going on within me – smiling while inside I am spiting – I stop and I breathe and do not allow this separation within me and instead breathe to stop ALL inner/mental participation and get back to reality to be able to be here, be for real, in not presenting something in fear of what is actually going in within me, and instead live for real, in being real with who I am with others and with myself

I commit myself to stop the internal reality that is hidden and kept secret from others and instead align myself witin and without to what is best for all, through writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application

I commit myself to breathe in moments where I see myself participate in automatic triggered reactions to others and my reality, to take back power and control of myself as directive principle and not allowing myself to be a slave to my mind and energy

I commit myself to stop all forms of blame within myself and commit myself to stand as self responsibility in always seeing the experience within myself as MY creation and thus I commit myself to investigate all experiences within myself, especially where I am projecting it outwards unto others, as I see/realize/understand that this is separation and abuse of myself, others and life as a whole

I commit myself to breath in moments wherein I find anger directing me, I slow down, breathe and allow myself to release the energy in the moment as to not be distracted from actually being here, being real in each moment

I commit myself to stop separating myself from others through defining some as inferior to superior to me

I commit myself to stand EQUAL and ONE with/as ALL LIFE HERE

I commit myself to live the realization that all life is equal and thus live the principle of treat others how I would like to be treated, and give to others what I would like to receive – always thus participating within the consideration of the equality equation – which is in fact best for all

Featured Artwork By: Scott Cook and Sylvie Jacobs

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09 January 2013

105 - Comparisons instead of Support

A point of comparing myself to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself, within my Life and my process, to others walking the same process/Journey to Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within comparing myself, my life and my process of self realizations to others walking the same process, judge myself as inferior and less then them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within comparing myself to others walking the journey to life, accept myself through self judgment as inferior and within this limit myself within my own process in separating myself from others, instead of utilizing the support others here as me are walking/sharing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my self judgments of myself within my process as comparing myself to others as being inferior/less effective, use as an excuse to not change myself, wherein I then accept the back chat that “I am not good enough, I am not capable” and thus accept this within myself in not applying myself to push through the self abuse and no longer accept this within and as me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to within accepting the comparisons allowed within myself and the self judgment of being 'inferior' to others, not realize that I create the opposite desire within me and thus exert my 'superiority' on others, in attempting to equalize myself within the experience of myself and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within polarity, as inequality within the desire to be superior within the starting point of inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my life and my process to be a certain way as I read others journey to life, within this holding expectations of myself that my process ‘should be’ the same as others, within this, not allowing myself to actually, practically, physically walk my journey to life, in investigating myself and instead expecting my process to be the same as others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and compare myself to others walking the journey to life because I do not always relate or have similar experiences or self realizations and so within this believing there is something wrong with me and my process, and judge myself as not effective enough – instead of realizing that within this, I am only diminishing myself within my process, of what I am in fact walking, as I am sidetracking myself within limiting myself as ‘having to be’ like others, instead of allowing who I am here to be here, and to allow myself to see and investigate it unconditionally without expecting me to ‘be’ a certain way

I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to always judge and compare myself to others within process, instead of allowing myself to simple WALK my process, realizing that focusing on what I have not changed, diminishes me without realizing what I have changed, and that is HAS been a process and will continue to be/take a process to actually change myself and so I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be gentle with myself in allowing myself to walk slowly but surely, breath by breath, seeing layer upon layer I have created as the “me” of the mind, and not create more layers through judgment and comparisons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from others here walking the journey to life within comparisons, wherein I see me as inferior, and “them” as superior instead of realizing this is not equality, this is inequality and the reason I am walking this journey to life. To realize all life is equal and all life is equally valuable and thus I forgive myself that I have not yet stopped all comparisons as separation within me and realizing/see/live the equal value that all here in fact are

When and as I see myself comparing myself to others within the journey to life, within expecting my process and experience to be the same as theirs, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself, in stopping the distraction of focusing on ‘them’ and getting back to me here within realizing all are equal and one and within comparison and judgments is an acceptance of separation and inequality and thus I commit myself to stop inequality and separation within and as me within stopping my comparisons and judgments within myself to/towards others

I commit myself to realize all are equal and one as life here as physical substance

I commit myself to realize that walking the journey to life is not about comparisons or who is better or worse, but is about exposing this nature of acceptance and allowance wherein one is better or worse, and to forgive it and no longer allow it within or without as it breeds abuse in existence

I commit myself to stop comparing myself to others walking the journey to life

I commit myself to stop judging myself within my journey to life

I commit myself to stop expecting from myself what I see in others within comparisons, and use others as support as an example of how to walk the process and journey to life, without separation or judgments, but as equal and one support

I commit myself to realize that self judgment is an abdication of self responsibility and a waste of time

I commit myself to realize that to accept myself as inferior is to allow myself to exist within fear

I commit myself to stop living in fear

I commit myself to walk my journey to life, investigating, exposing and getting to know who I am within and without to stop all the abuse that is existent to no longer accept inequality and separation within me equally as one no longer accepting and allowing it within/as life as this physical reality/existence

Featured Artwork By: Rozelle de Lange

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