26 December 2013

291: Skipping School

One of the points that I see allowing distractions has caused as consequence in a specific area of my life is with school.

When I started school – I went into this ‘perfect student’ character, wanting to be perfect within school attendance and grades. Because this was more based on self interest and thus seeking a self definition – this did not stand stable, because after a few semesters, the energy of the character ran out and I began to care less, give in more and move into a point of ‘let’s just get this over with’.

I see where my starting point could have been realigned, and in this writing I am in a way doing just that. Yet it comes with me entering into one of the final semesters of this current stage of my education.

So specifically – what I can see is a ‘problem’ that I would like to take responsibility for and thus correct or give myself solutions to is skipping school.

In high school I skipped school quite a lot and was surprised when after so many missing days, year after year, they (the education system/school administrators/whoever is keeping track of the students) allowed me to continue going into the next grade, because I can tell you I absolutely was not there to care about my education or never saw any value in it whatsoever – I was purely there for the friends and socialization. So I would rarely go to class and the closer I got to high school graduation – the less I cared to actually show up. I will admit there were other influences at play at this stage in my life that seemed to be more important to me than to spend my days sitting in a classroom, doing the work.

So ten years later, here I am and here I see some old, familiar patterns resurfacing. Specifically, as I mentioned – ‘the school skipper’.

So I have been working on getting my Associates degree for about 2 years now and will have completed all requirements by this coming spring of 2014. This last semester I really saw how much I was allowing myself to not care as much about being in class – even though I had already realized the simplistic equation and application of being successful in school. Want to hear it? Okay – here it is: Go to class, participate in discussions, do the homework.

Yep – it’s really that simply. The point is to apply yourself, PHYSICALLY, put in the effort, put in the time, put in the energy and ta-da – doing well in school becomes more plausible. I mean I saw this after the first semester of going back to school after 10 years – how simple it could/would be to do well in school. Simply – do the work. I mean, that’s it, there is no magical or difficult strategy one must learn or achieve to do well in school. So for me, it was like all I had to do was apply these points, commit to them, walk them and I would in the end be satisfied because I was doing what I saw was necessary to be done and in that, living up to my potential, giving it my all, basically applying myself.

So even after having this point of realization and seeing how simple it could be, I still allowed my mind to influence me. That is the thing, when one place a simpl, physical structure or schedule for one to walk, it really can be as simple as that – doing it. Yet, then we allow our mind as our thoughts and feelings and emotions and energies and desires and wants to influence and direct us away from what we see is actually possible. I mean the application of this, going to class, doing the homework and participating in class is something one can do to support with self stability, self commitment, self discipline, self determination, motivation – I mean it’s simply another point of support in one’s process of self transformation. You lay out the plan, the direction, the decision, the commitment and you simply do it. It becomes complicated when we allow our mind to interfere and sway us from our stance.

So after a few semesters I started seeing myself give into the resistances to certain classes, the laziness to do the work at home, the uncaring of what grade I actually get because really all I wanted to do was entertain myself and have fun. This is not best for me, obviously, and not best for all because I was accepting and allowing myself to not push myself to be the best I could be, to actually live to my potential, to give it my all and to see what I was actually capable of and thus be a living example for myself and others that we can absolutely change.

I gave into the want to distract, to not face the challenges, to not push myself and basically the results were the output of what I put in. Acceptance of self-mediocrity creates a result/reality/outcome of mediocrity. Though, the catch – I ‘know’ I could have done better. Here again, knowledge is useless unless it is lived.

I am not saying I have failed my classes and did so terrible, yet it’s a point of self honesty – seeing that I did not apply myself in the ways in which I see I absolutely could have/can and thus giving up on myself; not giving myself the opportunity to do my absolute best because really it’s not about doing ‘well’ in school or having all A’s or having all my teachers like me – the point is who I am within my education. And within self honesty, I see I’ve given myself many excuses to not push to my full potential, to take it beyond what I see I am capable of, to actually expand myself and direct myself to be consistent in my school application and so allowing myself to be satisfied with what I've done and who I am. The point would be that satisfaction comes from when I live by principles, do what is best for me/all, do what is necessary and push myself beyond my own self imposed limitations. When I do not do this, I am never satisfied because I can see within myself what I am doing, accepting and allowing and I see it is unacceptable.

The main ‘problem’ is not going to class. In allowing this one simple point, I give allowance to other points such as putting school work off, and because I’m not in class I cannot participate in class and as such, there creates a separation because I am not actively participating in the class, with the teacher and the other students and in this I see it as how one really learns. No just by reading the material and taking notes, but by discussions and sharing perspective and giving insight to our own understanding of the material that is being studied.

So I have not completely failed myself – yet I have not been satisfied with myself and so from here, I will take responsibility for what I’ve accepted and allowed and give myself solutions to live, commitments to stand by and the actual correction of how to change this point. And then – that is when I must make the decision, in every moment, to LIVE the words I speak/write for myself as the principles in which I will live by, apply and stand within who I am and all that I do. Tomorrow I will continue…

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