05 December 2013

283: Parts of Me that Actually Matter

Earlier Today:
Today I am on the Dr. Oz show and since I’ve been home from the taping – as the date approaches closer and closer I was having resistance and fear of it. The resistance was not wanting to see myself – fear of presenting myself in a way that I did not specifically want – being a part of this discussion that has so many missing elements.

While I was at the studio, in my dressing room, I was handed a ‘script’ from which to see how my segment would go. It was about two questions taken from a 30 min interview I had on the phone with the producer a few days before. So I knew what questions were going to be asked. I looked it over – there were words written in place as my response, but I was told I did not have to follow the words exactly – it was what I wanted to say/share and so it was more for the doc, as to have an idea of what to expect from my response. I looked it over, but did not really give myself the time to consider what would be best for me to say – I did not deliberately decide on how to place my words and present myself in a way that showed clearly my stance in regards to marijuana and addiction.

Over the years I’ve learned to ‘speak in the moment’ and not give myself preparation so much, but to allow myself to express in the moment ‘what is here’. I've done this many times in many of my vlogs, and always or should I say majority of the time, I have a resistance to re-watching or hearing what I said in them. This is the same experience I had after taping my part on the Dr. Oz show. Resistance and fear to what I said, because I did not give myself any time to really consider the best possible way to place my words that stand as who I am and what is best for all – bringing through the point of responsibility and the nature of addiction. So I fear I was not represented correctly or that I was ‘forced’ into a stance in relation to the topic without being able to give more information about it.

However – I did have a couple hours before the taping to do this – to give myself direction in terms of what I would say specifically. Yet I did not utilize the time I had effectively – I was nervous and ‘trying’ to calm myself and remain present and not go into the energy of fear and excitement I was having. So when I got on stage and I was sitting in my seat and the segment started – and eventually he introduced me and asked me the questions – I had no idea what I was going to say. I spoke in the moment.

Now I’m not saying this is a ‘bad’ thing, yet I also can see within self honesty, I could have been more directive with myself in terms of knowing exactly what I was going to say so that I did not later have this experience of resistance and fear. I mean maybe it would have been the same experience – yet I see that my resistance and fear experience is in relation to what I said, how it will be received by others and not living up to the best of my ability in terms of being self responsible for my words in that short interview – that so many would see.

So it’s definitely some interesting points I am facing through this opportunity that opened up – and with the air date being today, I am experiencing myself as less resistant. Probably because the reality of it is that it’s now here, the show will be aired, nothing I can do to stop it – lol, so must simply walk through it. I realize the moment I make this something bigger in my mind, then I become less than it and abdicate the power I have to who I am here and thus separate myself from those moments and thus how I currently experience myself. It’s ‘just’ national television, it’s ‘just’ going to be seen by millions of people. It does not necessarily define who I am or what life is really about or even what I am busy day to day as my living responsibility and the decision to walk my process out of the mind and into physical living. It was a moment in time that gave me insight into myself, to see what is still existing within me – to see what I am capable of or what I still have to work on/with.. It was a point of support for me as I walk my process and definitely shed light on more of who I've accepted myself to be in this life and what we currently have as our manifested world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist watching myself on the show as a reaction to the moment wherein I think and believe I said something or presented myself in a way that will not be received well by others or within this even, fear that I will not be represented in ways where I feel safe and secure where I am satisfied with how I think others will see me - still giving power to the perceptions of others instead of standing within who I am as principles that support me to be the best version of myself, here

Later Today:
I watched the episode and was interesting to see my reactions. I reacted negatively to how I physically looked and in that an experience of dread because perhaps that was what my initial reaction/fear/resistance was in relation to how I would look. Long throughout my life I have given much value to my physical appearance and desired for that to be a point of perfection (within how the system defines it) and as a point of an ultimate self definition as to say 'this is who I am'.

Obviously this is quite a limitation and illusion to think and believe that who I am is measured by how I look, the measurement is actually in who I am in RELATION to my look, to where I place my values, in how I see myself and thus how I see others. It's been a process I've walked, and am still walking, to let go of this point of self definition, realizing I was not living in any kind of substantial way - believing that all I am or can be or have to offer is a picture presentation. That is the imaginary world of the mind that exists as images and we as humans have just become pictures walking around, with nothing behind the scenes sort to speak that acts in any real, substantial way - we limit ourselves to a surface look and fail to within this, create any depth or substance to who we are. Or even - we separate ourselves from the actual substance, that depth of the physical - the flesh that we all are that comes in various forms and shapes. All species and all forms of Life on this planet vary in the 'look' and yet we are all manifested physical form in this manifested physical reality. We are in that, Equal, and yet we have created ourselves to be only an picture, an image and we walk around casting judgment on ourselves and each other - not giving any value to the real value of this world which is Life as the physical flesh, the body of earth and all that is here.

It's like I, for so long, saw myself as only a body that was a look that I wanted others to define as attractive and to within that, feel special and safe in this world, because of how our world is structured in terms of what we define as 'valuable' - we have said certain physical attributes are more attractive than others and thus somehow better. We've failed to see the functionality of the human physical body and all that is does for us, in every moment, to sustain our very existence here, what is deeper within our bodies beyond the surface image. Same with the Body of the Earth - we look at nature and see it as beautiful or ugly, yet we don't look beyond the surface and consider the functionality, the expression, the support it stands as that ALLOWS us to be here, to perhaps realize our equality -  how everything interconnects and exists equally together from/as/within the same origin as the matter of Earth.

So the point that came through while watching the Dr. Oz show today was firstly my reaction to how I looked and defining myself as unattractive - yet then hearing my words and how I spoke and my overall presence - that is what stood out to me. That is where the "value" of my looks no longer mattered because who I was as how I spoke, in the moment, trusting myself to express me here, to share myself, is something I can stand by. That is then where I saw again this point of who we are as what actually matters is our words, our stance, our presence, our beingness and how we express ourselves. The image of me faded into the background and I was actually proud of myself. What matters is how I live and what I physical do as the actions I take daily and who I am within that - not the shape of my body or the structure of my face. The image of me becomes pointless because I remain a human physical being able to express myself and stand for what is best for all and what is best for myself and all are able to do that equally - that is real value.

An important point here as well for myself to realize is that my experience should not change according to how I react to something - whether I define it as good or bad or I'm satisfied or not, the point is to remain stable within who I am and not be influenced by how I perceive something. My experience before watching the show was fear and resistance and after it was stable - regardless I must remain stable within who I am - the actual stance of myself as a decision of who I am in each moment and not be directed by anything outside of me. If I am not satisfied with something, it does not have to be an emotional reaction that consumes me, it simply requires my attention and direction to decide what requires to be changed and to ensure I am clear in relation to it. If I am satisfied with something, it should not be within a positive feeling that makes me feel better - it can simply be a point of seeing it as cool without further defining myself as adding more layers to the self-created ideas of me that exist in the illusion of the mind and thus still in separation of who I am actually here as Life.

So grateful for this overall experience and cool to see where I am still limiting myself in my own expression in allowing myself to continue to define myself according to 'how I look' - which is a filter constructed by accepting and allowing others ideas of beauty or attractiveness. What is beautiful is to step beyond our own limitations and what is attractive is to express self in the moment within self honesty - no fear, no limitations, no ideas - simply in the moment, as breath, as the physical environment and engaging in a moment with physical reality, standing equal to physical substance and not values of the mind. It is a process that I will continue to walk as I realize I have not perfected myself - I still hold ideas of myself that are out of alignment to what matters in this world - actual physical matter - my body, my breath, other humans, the animals, all of nature, the earth as a whole - this physical universe that is Here.... EQUALITY and Oneness, What is Actually Best for All.

In my next blog, I am going to go back and apply the self forgiveness for the memories identified within the superiority/inferiority point I opened up as this value of one's look I see is sustained through such memories and thus what I am still currently accepting and allowing.

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