22 November 2013

275: My Mind's Reaction to an Unexpected Opportunity

***This blog's writing is taken from my personal writings over the weekend, after I was presented with the opportunity to go to NY to be on Dr. Oz. 

Sunday, November 17th, 2013

I am going to NY on Wednesday to be on the Dr. Oz show.

There are a few points that come up

Firstly I am nervous about being on television and fearing how people will react to me and if it’s
something I “should” do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous at the thought/idea of being on television, as defining it as something big and special and something to be nervous about instead of stopping,  breathing and not going into my mind in defining a future moment as something bigger and instead bringing myself back here, to the actual physical moment and walk breath by breath

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear how people will react to me if they see me on television in thinking they will judge me or not like what I Have to say instead of seeing and realizing it’s not about others or how they will react or if they will judge me, I realize they might and they can and that does not define who I am here and so I stop valuing others judgments of me and instead assess who I am in the moment and make sure I am walking and living and speaking and acting in ways that I can be proud of and stand within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the idea of whether I ‘should’ do the show or not as if to decide whether it will be a cool thing or not, thinking and believing it can either be this or that instead of creating it to be something that could potentially be best for all and best for me and so instead of defining it within a limited state or reality of something I should or shouldn't do as either bringing something good or bad, instead consider what seeds it could plant in others and actually another day or moment within my process where I have an opportunity to stand within the principles I have been working with

Also I thought/imagined that I will die on the plane ride there – thinking it’s a NY airport or maybe because I was thinking this means there is ‘something’ to this point – it’s such a cool point to open, it’s almost like I don’t trust it. Like because of how I defined it within my mind in thinking it was something so special and crazy and out of nowhere – I then imagined this is how I am leaving this world. Yet I see perhaps this is something that I never considered or expected and so the mind is afraid of the unknown and actually doing something out of the 'norm'.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to when realizing I would be flying to NY to be on the show, imagine and fear that this would be how I die – dying on the plane within wondering how this point opened up for me and to within this, think that it’s because it’s my time to die instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that only the mind would fear death, it’s own death, which is inevitable and so I do not participate in fear imagination about dying or death, I walk in/as/with the physical

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown, of something unexpected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become shocked and surprised by this invitation to be on the show and to within this think and wonder ‘what it’s all about’ and then fear what will come of it as something that has never happened to me before and so within this – fear of what can come of an unexpected event

I know that if I don’t do it I will regret it.

But yes, there is still fear. I know I can do it and I trust myself enough to support myself in the moment and how I've approached this type of experience is simply stopping, breathing and allowing myself to simply express myself unconditionally.

The point of ‘not making sense’ is coming up or ‘being vague’ but fuck – this is a learning experience and a really cool point, so I am grateful.

I’ve wondered if its something that I should really do – like I question it, but it’s more out of fear.

The fear is putting myself out there and sharing/revealing parts of my life. And my family seeing it or friends. It’s like in a way, facing my past and why would I be afraid to tell my story when I've seen the changes I've made myself?

I mean what is the worst that can happen? Family and friends see this – find out I was addicted to weed, that I've supported myself to stop. I mean – I have pushed myself to face this fear of what others think and 'exposing myself' and doing what I see is necessary despite that. To put myself out there – so how is this any different? I am not defined by my past and I have walked through this addiction to weed and I've shared it online, so how is this any different?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to think there's ‘something to this’ within wanting to define me as special and having a special purpose instead of realizing it’s a process that I’m walking and points to face and an ego to transcend because there is a whole life here waiting for me to be in a position to support and in ego, I only think about myself and so it’s time to stop and support me and all life equally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of me going on the Dr. Oz show – fearing the unknown, of what will come of it within thinking something bad or negative will come from it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the attention being on the show might bring – fearing to have eyes on me – fearing, not really how others will see me, but fear of exposing myself – my story, my process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think this is an irrelevant thing to do, that it does not support anyone or anything and I am wasting my time and deceiving myself

When and as I see myself thinking and allowing fear to enter into my presence/awareness/experience, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to reality in seeing the cool opportunity I have to share myself on television, to go through the process and see perhaps more to this world and this system and what is here as me and so I breathe and don’t allow myself to fear the unknown or doing something I have never done before, but instead embrace the moment, the opportunity and will myself to share myself in the moment, unconditionally, being self honest with the experiences I have had and what I've learned, trusting in my words and my process, ultimately, within my self.

*** So interesting to look back at this and how 'all over the place' the mind was in relation to this point, fears and worries and future projections. Obviously all irrational and serving no purpose. I am grateful to have learned about the tools of breathing, writing, self forgiveness and corrective application, to support myself within walking through this point. And in using these tools, to be able to see what exactly is going on within my mind, so that there is no movement 'to quick' for me to see and then find myself in a reaction towards, I mean it's a process and still working at it. I know that if this point were to have presented itself 4 or 5 years ago, I would not have been willing or able. I would have reacted and allowed all these points to influence me from not going for it, trying something new, putting myself out there. I would have found any possible way out to not have to face this point or walk through my fears.

If you find yourself stuck in irrational thoughts and fears that seem to not make sense and you feel as if you are missing out on things in life that you later regret and wish you would have given yourself the opportunity to 'go for it' - check out the DIP Lite course, where you learn about yourself and the tools to support yourself in stopping fears, anxiety, worry and all other things that we allow within our minds to keep us from actually living life and daring to do something we think we could never do or be. Dare to live beyond your limits!

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