10 November 2013

270: Knowledge of How to Change is Useless...

The other day I made a decision based on a resistance. I had made a commitment to do something, but as the time approached for me to do this particular thing, I started to have back chats coming up, tempting me away from doing it and in this, attempting to justify why I was right to not do it.

In this moment, I knew I was facing a resistance - a fear even - and I knew the solution or correction to apply in order to support myself. I knew that if I gave in to this resistance, I would later regret it. I saw the irrationality of my thoughts and the ideas coming up in my mind attempting to persuade me from doing that which I had already committed to doing. And so in that moment of seeing all these thoughts and ideas coming up into my mind, I wondered what I would do. I saw I could easily walk through the point - meaning - not give into the resistance and fears I was having; although they were coming up, I saw the energy attached to it that usually determine the experience within such thoughts and the level of control it has in terms of how I would make my decision, was not so great. It was something I've walked through before and saw I could easily do it again.

But I didn't. I gave in - I gave up and it was absolutely unnecessary. And I didn't understand why I would make that decision. It was like even though I knew not following through with the commitment I made would not be supportive for me and in essence, was dishonest - I did it anyway. And of course created an experience of regret, guilt and shame even and even more resistance because now I have acted in a way that was not best for me, so not best for all and I didn't want to face myself and the point of giving in I accepted and allowed.

So I was a bit surprised by my lack of discipline and actually applying common sense in that moment. Because perhaps that is the point - I had this knowledge about what I was facing, I knew the nature of the reactions I was having, why I was having them and how I could correct myself to not be influenced by them and in turn, actually walk the physical actions as walking through the resistance/fears and doing that which I said I would do - I could have easily done that, I KNEW I could and how to do that - yet I didn't. And that is where the truth is revealed - knowledge is useless if it is not LIVED.

So I sabotaged myself in not accepting and allowing myself to LIVE the common sense solution I saw as the correction I could make to not be directed by my experience as fear and resistance. I gave in so easily to an experience I saw as not that big of a deal. It was like I was looking for a point to feel shitty about or to feel bad about myself, to go into the emotional reaction I later experienced of regret and shame - because even in that, it's getting an energy fix. Obviously it's not a pleasant one, yet the Mind is cunning in it's quest to collect energy and the fact that I allowed myself to then wallow in the negative experience I had created for myself - I was still participating in energy. I made a decision to follow the mind instead of breathing, getting into physical reality and walking the physical correction as the physical actions as to that which I was resisting and fearing. It was so simple, yet I did not gift it to myself.

So the point here - knowledge is useless if it is not lived. I have enough knowledge and information about this process I am walking and the tools here to support me and how to support myself - but they mean NOTHING if I do not actually apply them, as actually living them. Just like our words - we can say the most beautiful and inspiring things all day long, that present us as such benevolent beings -  but how we LIVE is what matters - who we are in fact in physical matter - even what we accept and allow in the secrecy of our Minds reveal the truth of ourselves and here we clearly see there exists no benevolence.

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within knowledge and information as to how to change yet then not take every opportunity that I see presents itself to change - actually LIVE the changes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deliberately spiteful towards myself in not accepting and allowing myself to live the changes in moments where I see how I can support myself with a particular resistance or fear I am facing and instead give in so easily as if to spite myself in saying, 'you will never change - you are not good enough'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as never being able to change within thinking I have failed so many times before, this is proof to me that I will not change and to within this, make an actual decision to accept this of myself instead of seeing and realizing it is another way to get my energy fix and creating a negative experience within myself where I dwell on what I have not been able to do, where I have fallen - instead of looking at what I can do actually, physically, to change myself in making the decision to STOP and no longer accept myself to see where I have failed but to stop the failure as the moments of when I allow myself to fall and instead make the changes necessary to be the change I want to see in my life and in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into resistance and fears the moment they come up, no matter the level of influence they might have, as seeing they are 'easy' to walk through and can see the way in which to make the correction - but then not as a way to sabotage myself in continuing to exist in this self limited idea of me that I cannot do anything right - self victimizing myself in a way as to pity myself and simply accept myself as who I've always been because in reality - I realize the process of changing me will not be easy and so I am actually resisting making changes and so in this, not only spiting myself, but spiting all life as I think I cannot change, I accept this as humanity as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think this world cannot possibly change because of how I see myself - seeing myself as not being able to actually change, due to the continued acceptance and allowance of who I am in moments where it matters the most - to make the decision and commitment to LIVE the changes I see are necessary to be done as in no longer trusting the mind as resistance and fears and justifications as to why I can back down on the commitments I've made

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself to apply and thus LIVE the knowledge and information I have acquired throughout my process as how I can see an effective way to support myself and correct myself in actually, physically changing me, through not actually changing and applying the corrections in the moments, making that decision to LIVE the changes

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to create myself to automatically trust resistance and fears in the form of thoughts and ideas that suggest to me I don't have to do that which I initially said I would do, instead of seeing the irrationality of the conversations within my mind - where it's never based on practical reality considerations, it's only based within self interest and energetic experience as what i want to do and what i don't want to do - instead of placing it within the context of what is best for all, what is the self honesty, what is practical and am I able - to allow that to be the reasoning for the decisions I make, not an automation of how I exist according to how I've always lived

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the changes I want to see in this world where it matters the most - not necessarily the words I speak, but the actions I take and thus actually, physically living the knowledge and information as to how to support myself with the tools of change - applying myself in each moment where I see I want to give up and give in and not be directive in the decision of who I will accept and allow within and as myself throughout my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self honest in the moment where I see I am resisting something or fearing something and see the correction I can make, to not accept and allow this experience to influence/direct and limit me within who I am and what i do, but then not take that stand, not actually live the correction and change in thinking and accepting myself as always giving up - expecting myself to give up anyway and thus limiting myself even further in not allowing myself the ability to actually change in moments where I see I am able

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the consequences of who I am in moments of not pushing myself to stand and walk through resistance and fear as giving into the ideas and thoughts in my mind that direct me away from commitments I have made - as the energy of guilt, shame and regret - feeding this within a self definition of not being good enough and a failure, perpetuating this state of victimization within myself instead of stopping the BS and realizing it is absolutely unnecessary, is 100% self created and is NOT REAL

And so when and as I see myself contemplating going back on a decision and/or commitment I've made based on thoughts and ideas within my mind that are laced with resistance and fear, I stop and I breathe and I push myself to consider common sense and the irrationality I know I've allowed within my mind, as I see/realize/understand the consequences I create when I do not support myself to live changes in physical reality and instead follow the mind as trusting the experience that tells me what i should or should not do according to a feeling or want, applying the tools I have to actually, physically direct myself out of the mind and into physical living changes and thus no longer accepting and allowing myself to exist within useless knowledge without applying it and living it - as I've seen where it takes me and what I'm actually doing within not gifting myself with the moment of making a decision within common sense, practical, reality considerations - as a basis of self honesty and what is best for all - and so I commit myself to slow myself down in moments when I see thoughts and ideas coming into my mind attempting to talk me out of doing something I've committed to do - when I see it is based in resistance and fear, I slow myself down even more through/as breath to then direct myself in not following the thoughts and ideas as fears and resistance and to instead, breath, bring myself back to my physical body, and physically move myself to no longer accept the same behavior and what I've come to accept of myself, instead I make the decision that is within the consideration of what is best for all, what is best for me, what is practical and what is realistic, realizing that I never consider these points within my mind, it's only ever based on self interest to sustain the self definitions that I see do not serve me or this world as a whole as who I am as a human being participating within this world and so I commit myself to apply myself in moments where I see I want to give up as not walk through resistance or fear, instead I give myself the ability to actually, physically change

And so I commit myself to support myself within this process of making decisions in moments to actually physically changing within daily support as another application of living knowledge and information as to how to actually, physically change, with daily writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements as the process of slowing myself down enough to see what is going on within my mind and how/where I am coming from when making decision as moments throughout my day, to give myself the opportunity to make the choices and decisions in moments that actually support me to change and move beyond the limitations of fear and resistance - to apply the knowledge and information I have as to how to become self directive and to actually walk the process of stopping the mind and getting back into physical reality as physical matters - as who i am in every moment within myself and within this world matters the most and so I commit myself to move myself beyond the automation of who I've always been and dare to move myself into a knew awareness of myself and an ability to become self directive without energy influencing me and who I am

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