266: Insanity Cycles

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of 'I just don't want to do it' in relation to blogging and self supportive writing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up in self supportive writing and blogging the moment I have a resistance towards it and my back chat tells me so - trusting in the experience instead of realizing the moment as the opportunity I have here to actually push through at the moment where I want to give up the most, realizing this is the point of change, as becoming self directive and no longer taking direction from the mind as back chats that I allow to produce an energetic experience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself all sorts of excuses and justifications as to why I do not 'have to' place a blog tonight - instead of seeing within self honesty that I am avoiding the point of facing myself, of changing myself, of actually supporting myself in giving into the idea that I can 'do it tomorrow' or 'just tonight' I wont place/write a blog - realizing this is the same old pattern that I see creates the same old consequence and so instead of giving into and justifying why I am not changing - instead realizing the process of creating new habits and what is necessary to be done to actually, physically do that, which is to be consistent in my application and not give in the moment I 'think' I want to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think there is nothing to write about as a justification and excuse I give to myself for not being consistent in my application of daily blogging

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to think I can continue the same patterns and produce something different instead of realizing that is the definition of insanity and so if I want to actually, practically, physically change myself, I'm going to have to stop giving into the same patterns, push myself through the moments where I think I am having the most difficulty directing myself and when I think it would be the easiest to give up - these are the moments where I must actually stand as the self directive decision of applying myself within the tools I have such as breathing, writing and self forgiving as that which I am resisting when I am not wanting to apply myself - actually apply myself as doing that which I resist - realizing it will get easier if only and when I gift myself the self will to get it done/get through it now

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I can keep putting off the moment of change as when my experience dictate the desire to give up and not stay consistent in my self application of daily writing and blogging - realizing that I have put this moment off over and over again and have yet to be satisfied and so here realizing that if I want to change myself I will have to actually physically do that, and that starts with no longer giving into the moments where resistance is the 'worst' and I 'think' I so much would rather 'not do it' - instead I see the solution and I give myself the push required to not accept and allow myself to go into the same patterns

I was not as effective within my day today and this lead to me not wanting to blog or do my writings for today and I attempted to justify it with the same old thoughts of 'not having anything particular' to write about. Well what I can write about is this point of justifying my same behavior that does not support me in actually changing and how I've consistently given up on myself in these moments.

What got me through this resistance moment of not wanting to write myself here in the blog or in my own writing is a 21-day application/commitment those of us within the desteni group have been walking - picking one point or a couple points in our life that we see we constantly 'fall' within, creating this standing/falling cycle, and never actually directing ourselves to stand. So we write about the points everyday, just a simple paragraph, review the points we wrote about the day before, see where we can specify our application in perfecting ourselves within the points we are facing.... so I was doing my daily paragraph and staying with this commitment and in that saw I was resisting the blog for today and how I've been going into excuses all day about it - and I saw the opportunity to change myself in this resistance point realizing it's a point of change, where I would normally 'fall' and give into my experience as thinking it is real, instead of realizing it's my creation and an illusion at that and I no longer have to take direction from my mind as back chats and the experience such participation creates. So although I didn't 'want' to come here and write anything out, I moved myself to do so anyway, giving myself just a little push to start the process and now able to say I'm moving myself through the resistance and not giving in. And that is cool. And I am grateful for myself.

Change is not an easy process - we should all be aware of that. If it were so easy, this world would have changed long ago. But what we are doing is changing the very nature of ourselves that we think is so natural - we are going against how we have automated ourselves to exist and so initially it is difficult, that is simply the reality. But the longer we put of going through those difficult moments, the longer it will take to actually create change. So why not gift ourselves with the ability to change now? Obviously I've had to walk my own process to get to this point in realizing how simple it could be if common sense was a determining factor in our daily decisions - yet we as humans have automated ourselves through a constant pattern of specific behaviors and decisions and so it will take self will, determination, discipline and principles to actually get ourselves through. Slowly but surely we accumulate the change and the will to do so. It is possible. We are simply the ones that have to do it ourselves, prove it to ourselves, live it as ourselves and that is the process each one must walk.

And so - when and as I see myself resisting and justifying and excusing my experience that I am creating through thinking about how much I 'don't want' to write a blog or my daily writings, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to myself as my body and back to the realization/awareness of what it will actually take to create a physical change, and that is by changing my physical actions as acceptances and allowances as I see/realize/understand that going into the same behavior/patterns and expecting different results or a change is insane and so I commit myself to give myself the little push as self will that is required to get me through the moments I find to be most difficult and where I think the 'easier route' is the better options - instead I commit myself to recall where the same route has taken me - the consequence it leads to and how I am tired of re-creating the same thing and so I commit myself  to try something new, give myself a little push and will myself through the moments that I find to be the most difficult to direct in seeing/realizing/understanding that is where all of me is required to stand, to decide and to move myself to actually apply myself and so I commit myself to actually applying the tools I have in the moments where I want to give up, realizing it is a temporary experience existing to keep me the same and so I commit myself to not stay the same, to change my patterns and behaviors and dare to see beyond the veil I have created as myself as the story I've heard and told over and over again - I commit myself to step beyond my borders of back chats and to direct myself as the physical, living being I am through and as physical and visible actions I can make in each and every moment of breath

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