24 October 2013

261: The Addiction to Starting Over

A pattern I see myself live out time and time again is this point of moving within a certain responsibility or task, commitment or decision on a particular project and what I will do is go into the point motivated and with energy as thinking "I can do this - this will be fun and easy and I see it's cool support for me" - yet what happens is the energy as the reaction to the imagination of actually doing it and thinking how I will feel about it when it's done is like the whole play out in the mind that I then settle on and thus do not actually manifest in my reality - I don't actually live out/walk through/complete the things I set forth for myself, instead I accept them as the internal reality I see for myself and within that become satisfied as if that is real or actually living - clearly it is not.

The problem here I see is the starting point from which I move into these points/projects/commitments as an energetic high of feeling positive about doing the things - and then when I do not actually do them/complete the tasks/responsibility I 'fall' into the negative experience that follows as feeling shitty about myself, going into self judgments which is just self diminishment and then the cycle repeats...

and this is the point I see I have become addicted to.

The starting over.



That moment where I say to myself, "Okay - I am going to try this again, I am going to start over... I am going to do it right this time." The thing is though I never do, and that feeling of giving myself a 'clean slate' is actually only suppressing what I've accepted and allowed as the behavior and thought patterns I've accumulated and so in not directing/dealing with/correcting myself as aligning to the best I can be - I instead get hooked on the feelings of 'starting over' and the feelings I've attached to this as 'letting go' and having a clean slate. But this is not a starting over.. it is a cycle that is playing the same 'ol song on repeat. And what happens is I accumulate the consequence of having all these points left hanging, forgotten about, giving up on... it's like I throw those out, say fuck it, I fucked it up... okay, I will just start over - not ever investigating why and how I got myself into that position in the first place.

So a solution is required here - a correction to the acceptance I have allowed of Me. The trap of starting over... of basically suppressing why it is I allow myself to give up on certain points through accepting procrastination or lack of consistency within what I do - looking at why in moments I do not stand and walk through any resistance or fear or judgment or 'state of mind' that dictates what I will do in each moment; what is behind the feelings and emotions that are telling me to just put it off and put it off until I get to the point where I can just throw it out (suppress it) and start over. For me I see what is missing here is consistency and the absolute allowance I am giving to myself in moments where I do not push through and do what is necessary to be done in a moment as what I have previously decided would be best to do in a day or a moment.

What is required is stopping the Fall and finally Standing. I mean that is the process of self change - of self creation - that is the real artwork in which we are making as ourselves... creating something new, something that serves ourselves and everyone else to be that which is best. I mean we see we are living the same thing over and over again and we see it does not support us and yet we continue to trust ourselves in those moments when we tell ourselves as our back chats and thoughts that, "it's okay this time.. next time I will do more, I will be more.. I have time to do it later." The catch - there exists no later, there only exists moments as what I accept and allow and that is what accumulates and creates my reality. All the moments I tell myself not to push myself to live and be and direct myself to the best of my ability, within principles that I can stand by to produce a real being of worth, those accumulate as self creation... so what am I actually creating? A cycle I trap myself within and as. So no more starting over... now it's about making that stand, that decision, that commitment to myself to push myself beyond what I have accepted of myself and as what I see I am capable of. So no starting over here - a re-establishment of who I am and the principle in which I will myself to move myself. I am long past the point of starting over in my process/in my life - because I have already made the decision to take responsibility for who I am in this world and all it exists as and so now the moment to actually walk it - prove it to myself that I can live by and as my decision within/as self will.

Okay - a little pep talk for myself here and now the self forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to starting over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern of starting over where I can say fuck it to things and points in my life where I see I have not been effective, suppress the allowances that created the consequences of my ineffectiveness and instead think and believe I can just let it all go and saying fuck it and starting over and then within this - attach a positive feeling to the image of starting over and the ideas of who I can be and what I can accomplish and how I can feel about myself within that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pattern/cycle in my life where I start working with specific points, projects, commitments, decisions, responsibilities within my life and within this imagine a positive experience/feeling within doing these things and how it will define me and how I can define myself yet not allow myself to actually LIVE out that which I see I might be capable of doing by giving all of myself in all that I do without any justification or excuse for accepting a lesser version of me and so then within this - create a negative energy experience of not actually following through and completing that which I have set forth for myself and so end up back within the position of wanting that positive feeling/experience of being effective within the things that I do and thus re-start the program as the starting over design I have created within myself and within my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the feelings of being effective as how I've defined it to be positive and better than who I am now as a judgment/comparison and projection of a future self and thus desire that more than working with who I am here and where I can actually, in my physical living, change myself in moments to no longer allow myself to live out this pattern and instead change the pattern/behavior to be that which is REAL and not limited within my mind as an idea of who I can be - instead living who I can be in real time, physical reality - breath by breath and thus stopping the energy addiction of feeling high and good and positive as starting over after creating the negative experience of the 'fall'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue the pattern of starting over in thinking and believing I am standing and falling as a pattern instead of realizing that I've never been standing as I've always allowed myself to fall and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  not be consistent in my day to day application of effective self directiveness and decisions in moments where I see I have an opportunity to NOT give into the mind as the experience I generate within me through participating in thoughts and back chats and imaginations of who I am, who I could be, what i can do and instead stick to the physical and the physical daily applications that create stability and the consistency in which I can commit to and by and thus stopping the cycles of having to start over and instead make the decision to stand

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of the points I have within my life to work with as responsibilities and tasks that support me within self development and self change and instead of pushing myself beyond what I 'think' I am capable of - instead always make the decision to stop, breathe, and stand as directing myself to actually, physically changing myself in moments where I see I am trying to/wanting to/thinking I can give up or postpone or put off the things necessary to be done

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for the commitment and decision I have made within this life/my life to walk a process of self change which implies an actual changing and not a repeating and so instead of allowing myself to continue to fall - to actually take the step to stand and walk and not allow anything less of myself as I see I am able and capable of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am letting go of points that i have created consequences towards when I say "I'm starting over" instead of realizing I am suppressing the acceptances and allowances I exist within and as in moments where I was busy accumulating the now manifested consequences of being behind on things and not effectively directing all points within my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate the moments that accumulate the now manifested consequences of who I am here and what I've created as the patterns and behaviors I have decided to live out as understanding the driving force from which I move or that is moving me as influencing me to not apply myself as effectively as I see I am able and thus understand the design of the behavior to better support myself to face the moments where the pattern 'wants' to repeat and thus giving myself solutions to apply in such moments to no longer give into/live out the patterns/cycles/behaviors that hold up this whole construct that I see I am sick and tired of facing

When and as I see myself wanting to 'start over' as a positive feeling within projecting into the future of how I will experience myself and how I can define myself - I stop and I breathe within seeing/realizing/understanding this is the outflow of a pattern I have accepted and allowed and at this moment I have already gone to 'far' in terms of accepting the behavior that accumulates this position of wanting to start over and suppressing who I have been and so I commit myself to slow myself down with breathe when walking through my days and towards the moment where I allocate my time to 'do the work' in terms of responsibilities, tasks, projects and commitments - to support myself through these moments where I usually 'give in' and to instead utilize breath and the realization that I know what I create when I accept the option of giving in, putting things of, postponing and thinking I will do more and have more time later - and instead choose to make a change in that moment to not give in, breathe, stand and continue walking this process within actually, physically changing me

When and as I see myself within a starting point of positive energy from which I move towards a responsibility, task, commitment, decision or job to be done in my day - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself out of the influence of the energy that I see/realize/understand that exists as a polarity cycle and instead  bring myself back to the physical, that which is stable and within equilibrium to ensure I do not create the cycles of self abuse that accept a lesser version of me and so I commit myself to stop moving from/within/as energy and instead use breath as my guiding force from which I move to ensure I am clear and self directive in all that I do

When and as I see myself within a negative experience towards this pattern of postponement and putting things off and accumulated consequences that I just want to say 'fuck it' towards - I stop and I breathe and I do not allow myself to continue the pattern from which I will then suppress these experiences and desire the positive polarity of 'letting go and starting over' and instead investigate where I have been, what i have been doing and why I allowed myself to get to this point in seeing/realizing/understanding this is also past the point of consequence as I took it to the point of the end of the cycle and so instead of throwing it all away, in terms of my experience and what I am facing as my manifested consequences of who I've been - instead face it and direct myself out of the mess - taking responsibility for myself and what I create in my life as each point still requiring my attention and direction -  realizing it's accumulated from every moment in which I breathe and so I commit myself to stop cycles of energy I have created within standing and falling and instead stop, breathe and walk - making the decisions to take the moments I have available to actually stop and change and no longer repeat patterns that I see do not support me but only keep me within the same cycles - I commit myself to become self directive in each moment - using each moment I have to move myself through the responsibilities and tasks and commitments and decisions I have made - to actually walk real time change in the moment as the breath and thus start actually living and walking this process in no longer allowing a repeat cycle to run.



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