07 October 2013

257: Self Worth Limited by a Letter Grade

In the last few blogs I have been writing about this point of self worth and how I have come to accept that it's something I must find outside of myself - either through relationships or fashion or the amount of money I have or don't have.

Today was interesting because I saw yet another point within myself in relation to defining my self worth and the experience thereof on something outside of myself.

I had class today and the experience of myself before class was that of frustration and irritation - again. That is now twice this week. I could see what I was accepting and allowing within myself that then created this frustration - so I slowed myself down and breathed as to not accept and allow myself to continue participating in the frustration and irritation and instead let it go and bring myself back to myself in the moment.

Once I got to class, the professor was handing back a test we took from last week. I recall not being as confident taking that test as I have been in other moments of taking tests; although I had studied and kept up with the material, I was not sure what to expect from the test. Turns out I got an A and inside me was a little 'yay' - almost like a sigh of relief because that outcome I was not necessarily expecting and I think overall I was expecting something worse. So that was cool.

However, the point I want to bring through here tonight is once I left class and I was walking to my car, I saw such a difference in my overall experience. Earlier in the day I was feeling unsettled and agitated and yet here I was walking with even a little skip in my step. All of sudden the day looked brighter, I felt lighter and overall I was content with myself.

And then it hit me - what I had done. Within the A on my test, I defined myself as worthy and good enough. I defined myself according to that letter grade and within that - felt good about myself. Yet it's not really that I felt good about myself - it was that i felt good about the definition I have given to myself in relation to my education and grades and how if I have A's then I define myself as good enough and worthy and if I do not get A's I define myself as not good enough and unworthy.

So again here, defining my self worth according to something outside of myself. Now I'm not saying I should not be pushing myself to get A's in my classes because I see that I am able and all I require to do is apply myself, do the work, show up to class and make sure that I am applying myself to the best of my ability and within this I can produce the results I see I can expect of myself. Yet the problem here is that because of that A on the test, I felt better about myself. Now if that grade was not a A, I know very well that I would not have had the same experience about myself - I would have felt shitty, I would have felt worthless and not good enough and would most likely start going into other judgmental and abusive thoughts about myself - creating an experience of helplessness and hopelessness.

So what is required here is for me to stop defining myself according to things outside of myself - such as grades. What is required for me to stop is this point of enslaving myself according to how I define my self worth - to be subject and dependent upon what kind of grades I get. I should be able to get any kind of grade in school and the experience of myself and the way I experience myself in relation to self worth should not change; it should not move - I should remain the same; constant within who I am as self worth. But because I allowed myself to define myself as 'good enough' and 'worthy' within receiving an A - my whole experience changed and it could have quite as easily gone the other way if I received a different grade.

Quite interesting and clear then to see how much polarity still runs my life. Me before class = negative. Me after class = positive. And it's all according to how I define myself and my self worth on things outside of myself. So it was cool to see this point actually today, since I have been writing about this point of self worth the last couple days. Okay - so self forgiveness for this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth to things outside of me and thus allow it to influence and direct the way that I experience myself as either being positive or negative where if I see that I am not able to create the image of myself within myself as being 'worthy' and 'good enough' - I become frustrated and irritated and short with myself and everyone/everything else in my reality yet when I am able to align myself to the definition of my mind of what it means to be 'worthy' and 'good enough' - change in that moment as experiencing myself as feeling better about myself and lighter and overall positive about me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self worth separate and outside of me here into/through and as my grades in school where I define A's as being good enough and worthy and anything else as being not good enough and unworthy and thus according to the letter grades I receive I will allow myself to be directed in how I experience myself, as either this positive definition of self worth or this negative experience of self worth

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define self worth as images and definitions within my mind within an energetic charge of either positive or negative - simply accepting polarity as who I am and how one must experience themselves or this life and to within this according to what I am able to create and express and get feedback in as either being the positive or negative definition - experience myself as that - as only either positive or negative not realizing the enslavement I am creating within myself in how I have come to accept/allow and define self worth to be as something outside of me that represents and makes a statement of who I am - not realizing I am only subjecting myself to this and thus enslaved to this as this 'thing' outside of me, whether it be my clothes, my money or my grades, according to how I interpret those to be as either positive or negative, then I will experience myself as that - either positive or negative

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so easily influenced by my own brainwashing as how I've come to accept, allow and define self worth to be such as one moment feeling bad and not cool about myself, not good enough and not worthy as a form of a reaction to myself in how I am judging myself in a particular moment to then in an instant and according to something external from me within my reality, such as getting an A on my test, switch like a light bulb to be 'on' within a positive experience of myself and then feeling good enough and worthy and better about myself

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the polarity definition I have given to my self worth will always fluctuate between the positive and negative as the nature of polarity as being one and the same and thus one not existing without the other; one feeding the other and so one moment I am low and the next I am high, all according to the limited definition I have given to my self worth as something outside of myself and thus constantly circling and looping around myself and my own self definition of what it means to live self worth

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to define A's in school as being worthy and good enough and to within this attach a positive energy to it

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define anything other than an A in school as being unworthy and not good enough and to within this attach a negative energy to it

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity relationship within myself in relation to my self worth and within this, how I see myself and how i define myself as either being the positive, good enough worthy or the negative, not good enough unworthy

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the negative experience of myself that i accept and allow when I define my self worth outside/separate from me here within the grades I get in school and to thus desire the positive end of this point - it's equal - as getting A's so that I can then move from the negative energy experience into the positive energy experience in which I have come to accept as 'better' yet not realizing that both polarities are an illusion in which I participate and I can simply stop the back and forth, up and down existence that is me as my mind and these external self definitions of self worth in one moment and through realizing that my self worth is NOT defined according to what kind of grades I get in school, but who I am within/as my education process; who I am within my classes, whether I am applying myself, pushing myself to produce results that I know I am capable, not giving myself any excuses and thus getting out of the time I Have within school to be that which is best for me and so

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use my education process as another way to feed my ego as the self definitions I have accepted and allowed within me - specifically here in relation to my self worthy where I will define myself as either good enough or not according to the grades I get instead of according to who I am within the education process and whether I am giving it my self honest all or not and thus no more enslaved to these ups and downs of self created abuse through defining myself and my self worth to something that is outside of me and instead bringing myself back to the principle that who I am determines the worth that I have and whether I am actually living a worthy life as who I am here, as life, in each moment, according to principles that are in fact best for myself and thus best for all

When and as I see myself changing in a moment from feeling negative about myself to then moving into feeling better about myself I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the real moment of experience as myself as the breath, with/as my body and thus check within myself what i am accepting and allowing as I see/realize/understand that what i am doing in such a moment is allowing energy to influence me through defining myself and my life according to a polarity definition as either positive or negative and so I flag such a moment for myself as/if I see myself changing in order to then investigate for myself what is the polarity relationship I am accepting and allowing within myself and thus remove the polarity energy charge from myself to no longer allow myself to be directed by energy but to instead become self directive of myself as who I am here in each moment

When and as I see myself defining myself and thus my experience in relation to my grades in school, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself out of the energy experience and back into/as reality and not allow myself to participate in any form of self definitions that subjects me to something outside of myself as I see/realize/understand that it does not necessarily matter what kind of grades I get in my education but who I am within the actual process of my education; whether I am actually applying myself, pushing myself to do that which I see I am capable of and not determining my self worth as a self definition to be limited to that of just a letter grade but instead expand it into the process that i have walked within my education and that i am still walking to ensure that I am giving all of myself in ways that I am able to thus then be able to produce results within myself and within my education that are truly reflective of the worthiness that is who I really am as life and thus living up to my real potential and no longer allowing myself to be limited by only ideas of who I am according to the grades that i have thus getting back to the real quality of what life is about - who we are and not what is outside of us that we use to define who we are

I commit myself to stop my ego as it exists in all various forms and specifically here in relation to my self worth as how i define myself according to the types of grades that i get

I commit myself to stop defining myself to things outside of myself and instead bring myself back to reality in realizing what really matters is who I am and thus only within self honesty can I see I am actually apply my self worth in every moment or whether I am limiting myself to only an idea of myself or to something outside of myself where if that point that i am using to define myself and my self worth changes or moves or no longer exists - then the experience of myself and m self worth changes - I no longer accept this of myself and thus commit to living my real self worth which is here in every moment of breath of/as self honesty and within applying principles and tools within my life that realign me to the actual worth of life as equality and oneness as what is best for all


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