14 August 2013

Day 230: Loneliness Still Surfacing

Art By: Javier Ideami
I experienced a surge of energy as the emotions of loneliness when ending the chat with another. In that moment I felt lonely – alone and there was slight fear. I watched the 'design of loneliness’ portal interview as a way to support myself in seeing what is actually going on.

It is an idea within my mind that I have created and reacting to as being lonely

The experience is that of not wanting to be alone. Not wanting to be alone with myself. Feeling lonely. I can say that I have always had this experience throughout my life – the experience of being alone/lonely. But I never really faced it, and can see how I created ways in which to always have people around me. And in the interview it also said that the Mind feeds off of relationships with others, a partnership to hide from this loneliness, or to sustain even this loneliness because in our not facing/standing as it – the loneliness that I in fact am, I am suppressing it – yet still allowing it to exist within me as an energy.

There is a sharp pain here in the left side of my stomach, just to the left of the center of my stomach  – so this loneliness I realize, as an energy of emotion as a reaction, exists only within my mind. Because the reality is that I am always alone. So the interview suggest to find peace in that; to come to terms with that - that I am always alone. I do and have seen this point within myself, yet since B’s death, I can see it more predominantly coming up in moments where perhaps I have been suppressing it before. Although I did experience it in relation to the storms a couple months ago (you can read the blog here), where there was no electricity and in that I experienced as being alone, in the dark, in my room with nothing/no one around me.

So the point here I must look at is the fact that I have created a relationship as an idea towards another that when it’s not feeding my Mind as being present, around me, focusing my attention away from me here, I then become lonely. The point also of it  not being self intimate and here as myself. Not standing AllOne.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend upon the relationship with another to hide from the loneliness/aloneness that is me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to when another wants to end chat as the emotional energy of loneliness

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear being lonely – in not wanting to be alone with me as self intimacy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the relationship/interaction with another as a filler for the hole that is me as loneliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face/stand equal to the loneliness that is within/as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have realized that I am always alone and thus why not accept this realization that I am always alone and there is nothing and no one that can fill this experience of loneliness as a hole within me – only I can stand alone as being real in no longer accepting loneliness to dictate the experience of myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe loneliness is real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in loneliness as if it is real instead of realizing it is within my mind as a reaction of emotional energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not yet embrace all as me as being alone

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a mind consciousness system that used other beings as their misery to feed off of and hide from the lonlieness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from my loneliness as not facing it and directing is within relationships throughout my life

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to stop the energetic experience of loneliness that is here within and as me instead of stopping and facing and removing the idea of loneliness from my mind as that is where/from which and through I am reacting – to an idea of loneliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think if I am not speaking/interacting with another then I am lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need another in a relationship with me to not be lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define not being in a relationship/partnership where the being is constantly in my face validating there exists a relationship – then believe I am lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use other’s in relationship with me to not have to face the fear of beign alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think being alone is scary

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear to myself when I see an experience of loneliness come up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word lonely and loneliness to be something I must fear

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to redefine loneliness to be that which is common sense as who I am within self honesty – always alone within/as myself

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to accept the realization that I am alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no stand alone within myself as myself as self intimacy

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself here as a physical being through the idea of being lonely as my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek outside sources to find fulfillment as fear of being lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe another in relationship with me can stop my loneliness

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to want another to talk to me as a reaction to being lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the responsibility I have to stop loneliness as it exists within my mind as a reaction to an idea that I am alone unto another in relationship with me in filling the gap I have created within myself in not standing alone with/as myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to never stand alone within/as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I never had the power and ability and strength to stand alone within myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that aloneness is something I must fear

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to  become programmed by society and culture and media and entertainment and movies when they showed me the image that if I am alone then I must be lonely or if I am not in a relationship then I must be alone and alone is something that is bad, wrong, something I must fear and avoid

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to realize that in avoiding being alone I am creating a void within myself that I then attempt and try to cover up and fill in through relationships with others, never realizing I can stand as the void within me as the presence of myself as being alone

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to question myself in why I always entered relationships and whether I was hiding from myself as loneliness

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to react to not chatting with another in thinking I will be lonely instead of realizing that an effective agreement/relationship/partnership is for each individual to stand alone and thus I will/do have to stand alone and not dependent upon another or a relationship/partnership with them to be ‘here’ for me – I must be ‘here’ for myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to have never been here for myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to have never realized that I have always been here for myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to never consider being here for myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear being here for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being alone as something I must fear

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I will fill the hole as loneliness through interactions/relationships with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my ability and power to stand alone within myself through thinking and believing only others can stop the loneliness within me

When and as I see myself reacting energetically as the emotion of loneliness, I stop and I breathe and through this I bring myself back to me here, back to myself, back to my breath, back to my self intimacy as the realization that yes I am alone, yet I do not have to be lonely as I am here for myself as myself and thus allow myself to learn to trust myself as I learn to be here for myself and so I commit myself to be here for myself and to breathe and learn to trust myself to be here for myself, alone – no longer seeking outside sources as dependencies to stop the loneliness within me and instead embrace and stand as being alone – as being all one – as no more an experience I must fear, but instead a point I must embrace as who I really am – always alone within existence and thus able to experience  myself as I would like – not directed or influenced by a reaction of my mind and instead standing physically with/as my physical body through/as my physical breath – always with me, always with life – equal as one

I commit myself to fill the void I have created within myself by avoiding the reality that I am alone through being here for/as Me with/as writing, self forgiveness, self honesty, self intimacy, self trust, self love, self acceptance, self alone

I commit myself to stop reacting to the experiences/reactions that come up within me, such as fear of loneliness or loneliness in itself, instead I breathe and stand equal to and one with myself as what is here and direct myself to no longer accept this of myself and instead direct me as the experience of myself

I commit myself to stop using relationships with others within self interest and instead become myself as Life alone with the ability to give without expecting to receive



Featured Artwork by: Marlen Vargas Del Razo

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