26 August 2013

239: One Small Step of Support

Here are more points I am facing as walking a 21-Day process of No Naps.

This is day 3. 
Today was overall cool in terms of not ‘feeling’ like I required to nap. I did go into a bit of “I'm tired” mode while I was in class, with the yawning and slouching a bit in my chair, yet I kept breathing and sitting up and moving myself physically as being present, here, paying attention to what was being said, hearing the words of the professor. I was grateful to be in class as this point came up of ‘feeling tired’ because obviously I was not in the environment to sleep, and as expected, the experience passed.

Currently in my city it is like 100 degrees outside. HOT. And I live on the 3rd floor with no air conditioning. The main parts of the house do have air conditioning, yet my room is ‘bearable’ in that I have lived in this type of heat for the last 2 summers and have become use to it. But I see that this tiredness character comes in when I am reading or doing work while sitting in my room – in the heat box and how I wanted to use that as an excuse to 'take a nap'.

I could easily bring myself downstairs to cool off, instead I sit in the heat and think about sleeping. Lol – I did not give in, yet it’s interesting how that point comes up also in relation to the weather. I realize that the body can overheat and sweat enough and become dehydrated, and I have been drinking a lot of water all day, so I did not see physically any concern about the heat in relation to my body and the tiredness was restricted within just thoughts in my mind. So I did not allow it to influence me and instead did things to bring myself back here, directing myself back to what I was doing in the moment.

During some studying and looking through some course material online for one of my classes, I found myself wanting to go to sleep; to go to bed early. There was still a few hours at least before I usually ‘call it a night’ as well as some responsibilities left to be done that I have committed myself to do daily and so I saw that I required to stop this back chatting as trying to convince myself to just go to sleep already and instead push through this moment, breathe, stand and continue on. As I was getting into one of the daily responsibilities this evening, I really ‘fell’ into this tiredness character of really just wanting to go to sleep. It’s interesting how whiny the mind becomes when we do not give it what it wants, “come on already – just go to sleep… I’m so tired, this stuff can be done tomorrow… really… it’s bed time” lol – this is the moment I decided to come write it out and apply self forgiveness as to support myself in not being directed by these thoughts; to give myself the full advantage of a day, to complete what is necessary and to not leave anything hanging and then go to bed with this stuff hanging over my head – or trailing behind me as the consequences of my sleeping habit creates – a pile of stuff waiting for me that does not go away but only cause anxiety about it not being done/directed yet. So instead of creating more consequences for myself, instead I choose to face the manifested consequence of this character – this sleepy being that wants to sleep all the time, breathe in this moment of thinking I am tired, assert myself here through physically changing my body; how I am sitting within myself/my body, getting up even for a stretch - back into the physical reality, breathe and continue on. One small step of support I can gift myself with as I walk my process of self change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to convince myself as thoughts and back chats that it’s okay to sleep as not directing myself within my daily responsibilities and commitments after I have given myself the commitment of stopping for 21 days this character that thinks it 'needs to sleep'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt and try to find ways that justify me avoiding my responsibilities – using sleep as an excuse that I can not follow through on my daily commitments and that somehow I am right in doing so, instead of seeing/realize/understanding the cycle I create when I participate in this behavior/pattern – creating the same shit over and over again of not taking care of what is necessary in a day and creating a pile of shit I must add to the next day – dragging the past along with me as I move, in not addressing each point in the moment it is 'here' to be dealt with -  instead of doing all I can in every single moment of every single day as to be able to completely let go at the end of the day, I can let go as laying down – satisfied with what I have done, knowing I applied myself to the best of my ability and there are no regrets or shame or guilt for giving into the programming I have accepted of myself as using naps/sleep to not follow through with my commitments and responsibilities

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to blame the heat for my experience of wanting to take a nap/go to sleep– in thinking and believing and justifying within my mind that it’s okay for me to nap/go to sleep because it’s so hot, when this is not rational as I can simply bring myself into a part of the house that is not as hot, and cool myself off and thus then use no excuse as to not have to stand within my daily responsibilities and commitments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the experience of being tired and try to convince myself that what I am telling myself within my mind is absolutely right and that I should follow these thoughts instead of realizing and seeing that I would only be following a program – a character in which I have created that sleeps instead of moving, that avoids instead of directing, that does not live the process of change I tell myself I am walking – and so here I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless to my experience in the moment of feeling tired and wanting to give into napping/sleeping instead of realizing that this is a manifested consequence I must walk through, stand and walk through as who I have created myself as and thus the initial stopping process might be difficult, but it is possible and the only way to actually change myself - physically and for real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value more the experience of myself as being real instead of standing within the real physical work required to be done still within my day and seeing if I were to stop the excuses and justifications and ways I’ve attempted to not change, such as napping, then I would actually be living change – real, physical change, directing and moving myself through physical work such as writing or reading or cleaning or anything else I have given to myself as a daily responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is so hard to change instead of realizing it only require a decision within me that decides the process to be walked – to lay it out for myself as a commitment I will live and then actually living it – doing it – realizing at first it might be difficult and I might have to push myself through resistance and an internal battle to remain the same – yet I realize it must be done as it’s the only way to be done as the process of reprogramming myself to live in each moment as what is best for all – to stop the nature of me that does not support life in any way and instead live here, physically and practically to stand within the potential I have as being an actual effective being in this world, doing what is necessary to be done in each moment and each day to ensure I create myself in such a way that is best for all – best for this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to give up in the moments when it seems like it will never end – the experience of myself that I usually follow and fall within – where the back chats seem so real and valid and my physical experience backs up the back chats – instead of realizing the opportunity I have within that moment of actually stopping and standing – realizing this is the moment I must stand as it’s the moment of change and as I do, I see/realize/understand how much easier change becomes, because I am allowing myself to live it – every time I stand, I allow myself to change and so here I commit myself to continue giving myself these moments of change where I see that despite my experience tells me I will never make it, I will never ‘get through’ – I realize I can stop, breathe and stand and thus I commit myself to gift this to myself, to give myself this moment of self support and self trust realizing that once I stand, I become more stable within who I am as directive principle of me; seeing through the veil of deception that exists as my mind and no longer accepting anything less who I am here as the physical living breath – I breathe and I walk, giving myself the support required to get this done

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