25 August 2013

238: No Naps reveals a Slave to Energy

Today is day two of no naps. Yesterday was an easy day to walk through in terms of making sure I did not allow myself to go into napping as I was up late the night before, and slept later into the day and had just more than a few hours before work. So I was up, did what I had to do in terms of responsibilities and then went to work. I did see however on my way to work the point came up of ‘wanting to sleep’ – where I had the thought, “ I am tired” and the physical consequence of my eyes becoming heavy and in this justifying that yes, man I really want to nap. Obviously I could not as I was on my way to work, but I gave into that experience through the back chats of “fuck this, I don’t want to work, I’d rather take a nap” and “how am I going to be able to get through this work shift” and “this is going to be a struggle” and so basically creating my whole experience for the night/work shift as being difficult and a struggle in ‘pushing myself’ through in ‘having to be at work’ when really I just wanted to be home sleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a thought of “I am tired” and to within this create an experience of myself as ‘wanting to sleep’ as I was driving into work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through this participation and experience of myself as ‘wanting to sleep’ go into the physical consequence of my eyes becoming heavy and a heaviness in general over my physical body as a depletion of energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then, without the energy as a driving force to move me, believe that I am actually tired and to equate this to needing to sleep/take a nap

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in this moment, exist within the back chats as validating and justifying my participation within the mind as saying, “fuck this, I don’t want to work, I’d rather take a nap and how am I going to be able to get through this work shift and this is going to be a struggle” as basically accepting the internal experience that I generated through such beliefs and back chats instead of realizing the ability I had in that moment to stop and not accept and allow myself to participate in the points that were fueling this draining of energy which reveal the dependency on energy I have accepted where I think if I have ‘no energy’ than I am tired and cannot possibly move myself or direct myself in how I experience myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent upon energy to move me where if I experience a depletion of energy and the thoughts and back chats that are telling me “Im tired and I must go to sleep/take a nap” trust this and follow this in thinking that this is my experience and there is no way to change it and thus I will have a ‘hard time’ moving myself as I have to be at work despite my want to be sleeping

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be present with/as myself in the moment as driving to work and being at work, actually in the moment of my physical reality, my environment and being an active participant with/as/through breathing and instead exist as this experience within my mind of being 'tired' and then defining and accepting my whole night at work to be that of a struggle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate, generate and accept the experience of being tired through back chats in my mind and in this accept it as ‘the way it is’ and then go into the experience that there is nothing I can do, I must work and so within this feel as if I have to fight my way through the work shift in moving through this lack of energy instead of simply stopping the belief of the need of energy, taking a breath, standing up within myself, sitting up physically and asserting myself here, in/as my physical and the directive principle of how I experience myself and thus not accepting and allowing this tiredness experience as I see/realize/understand I created it all through participating in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I have no energy I cannot move myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am tired, then I am a slave to this tiredness and I must follow the instructions of my mind as the tiredness experience that says I must sleep

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to give in and give up on myself as directive principle through believing in the experience and thoughts of having ‘no energy’ and thus being tired instead of looking at the common sense reality that there would be no reason for me to be tired, physically and for real, because I had only been up for more than a few hours and slept well the night before and so here proving to myself that the ‘tiredness experience’ was a way to deceive myself into participating within the mind, following the thoughts to get me to follow the energy

When and as I see myself going into my thoughts and back chats that depict me being tired and wanting to take a nap and allowing this to lead to physical consequence of actually creating a tiredness experience, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back within my standing of me here, me asserting myself in/as the physical body in physical reality and sitting up physically within myself as to wake myself up, bring myself back here, out of the mind and the experience of ‘no energy’ I was creating and accepting and allowing and instead see/realize/understand that I do not require energy to move me and the tiredness experience is a lack of energy and thus my desire to then go to sleep would be to recharge myself as the mind in it’s dependency on energy and so here I commit myself to stop myself as the mind in existing for energy in all ways I seek it and instead to breathe here, realize that I am not my mind and I must stop my addiction to energy and instead change myself to stand here, without the need of energy, to move myself, direct myself, breathe myself back to life in no longer being a slave to energy

Today on day two I saw the point come up more extensively.

I worked the day shift/afternoon shift at work and see how I have created a habit of ‘wanting’ to take a nap after work where I will tell myself, “I worked hard, and my job is physically demanding and so I can take a nap” – I realize this can be cool support, however today the point came up immediately after I got off work and I went into irritation because I could not go into my normal habit of going home and taking a nap after work. Instead I had plans to meet my parents for dinner and within this I did not want to go. I wanted to instead go home and take a nap. Within the back chat of “I’m too tired, I don’t want to go, I want to just go home and sleep” and again this point of feeling like I had ‘no energy’ as the back chats kept coming up and I, participating within them as I saw how my experience changed the moment I allowed myself to believe and participate in this experience creation of mine – I become tired and irritated and expressed this irritation to my mother. I saw what I was doing in that moment and because of the support of the 21 days of no napping – I realized what I was trying to do in that moment. And then I realized that oh yes, I am stopping this point – this energy refueling point I have created within and as napping. So I realized fuck – this is the point, I cannot go to nap, I have to meet my parents. In the past I have actually made decisions to break my plans and instead follow the thoughts that lead me to my energy source. I saw this point today, yet I did not allow myself to accept it of me. And then the moment of truth, asking myself “do I have to walk this 21 days” lol

It’s so interesting to see how the mind moves and ways it will come up to justify it’s programmed existence in wanting to ‘stay the same’ in terms of the habits we create, we become use to and think we cannot possible change our ways. So I realized that I would not be going home, I would not be napping and I would be going to meet my parents. The irritation I stopped with breathing as I saw that it was not cool how I was expressing myself, although I allowed it for longer than necessary, even when I saw what I was doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated when I do not get my way in terms of the ability to live out my programming in how I have created myself through behaviors and patterns and habits and so when I stop this participation in certain behaviors and patterns, become irritated and want to exert this unto others as if ‘they’ are to be blamed for how I experience myself, instead of realizing it is a manifested consequence I must walk through as who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and thus I must become responsible in not accepting and allowing myself to project my responsibility and my experience unto others and instead remain within the point of self responsibility, bringing all points back to myself, not allowing myself to blame anyone for what I have done to myself in terms of creating a relationship towards napping that I Have used to get energy and so when I stop become irritated and want to blame others for my experience

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to manifest the consequence of myself as becoming dependent upon naps after I get of work to the point where I become irritated if I do not ‘get what I want’ when I do not allow myself to go into my usual habit or pattern and instead decide to direct myself and so here I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in such a way where I must walk a process to change myself as 21 days of no napping instead of stopping in one moment, in one breath and not accepting anything less than who I am here as each moment as each breath where I am not dependent upon energy to direct or move me but I decide within who I am how I experience myself and what I will do and so here realizing/confirming points I have already seen at the extent to which we have programmed ourselves and what it will take to actually walk ourselves as changing our 'nature'

And so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to the relationship I have created towards napping where I think I must follow the instructions of my mind that I Have allowed myself to believe, accept and follow when back chats tell me, I wish I could nap instead or I always nap after work because it was hard and I need to rest instead of realizing that if I were here directing myself as breath, I would be standing within/as my physical and thus not requiring energy or lack of energy to move me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself the moment I realized I was within the energy of irritation as a reaction to not giving into the habit I have created of going to nap after work and instead exert this irritation towards others instead of stopping, breathing and taking responsibility for myself as what I Have created as me in relation to napping and how I have used it to get energy and when I stop this point, becoming irritated and thus realize it’s no one’s responsibility but my own and so here I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my self responsibility onto others instead of standing within my own self responsibility as the one that participated in habitual patterns as programming myself to exist in ways that are not best for all/me but instead only sustain the energy addiction I have created within/as myself within/as this world

When and as I see myself becoming or participating within the reaction of irritation in relation to stopping habits/behaviors/patterns that I have programmed myself within/as I stop and I breathe and do not allow myself to participate and instead  bring myself back to me here, back as the directive principle and no longer allowing myself to validate my experience that I am walking a process out of - as giving into the experiences I create through the participation within my mind that tell me I'm tired or irritated and instead make the decision in each moment of who I am, how I will live and thus always standing within self responsibility for how I have created myself throughout my life as I see/realize/understand that I am the only one that creates my relationship towards everything/all things here and so I commit myself to stand self responsible as I face and walk through the manifested consequences of/as myself as that which I have accepted of myself through my living actions and habits and no longer project this unto others or my experiences in relation to stopping as being irritated unto others, instead I re-direct myself into standing here without the expression of energy

The point of ‘wanting to nap’ as the physical experience of ‘being tired’ was with me for a few hours at least. While at dinner and once even I got home and realized how easily I could have, and how naturally I have in the past, would take such a moment as being prime for nap time - lol. I saw this moment as a moment of truth in terms of I would have to stop, stand and direct myself to not go into the point and thus I looked at what I could do instead, what needed to be done, what I would have normally avoided in such instances. So I decided I would push myself through and not give in as I have seen in stopping such points before that the moment of “I can’t do this, I am sooo tired” comes and as real as we think it is, it too shall pass. And after some time of participating on the forums, checking my email, getting some laundry done, I was back here, stable and not within the experience of being tired. Although it did come and go, it was cool to simply stop and realize that as much as I ‘think’ I want to take a nap, I will not do so as I see I can commit myself to this point – to walking this redefinition of myself within napping and the process it will take to do so. So gratitude for myself in these moments for not giving in.

I also thought about wanting to go to bed early in justifying this point of “I am so tired, I will go to bed early tonight and make sure I get a nice rest for tomorrow” and this is also within fear of not sleeping enough and thus fear the experience again of wanting to take a nap if I did not get enough sleep and how uncomfortable I would be if I were to want to nap but not allow myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to justify my napping character through back chatting to myself that I will go to bed early within the starting point of fear – fear of facing myself as this character that naps and thinks I cannot go a day without it

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the experience of myself of wanting to nap but not allowing myself to as being tired and having to push through and stand and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this fear, not realize my self directive ability to make a decision  and no longer accept and allow me as my mind or the energy fluctuation to influence me or determine what I do in movements (moments) and that I can in fact decide how I live and what I will live and who I will be within it

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to, within the fear of not getting enough sleep and having to face being tired and wanting to take a nap, attempt to not face the responsibility I have of actually changing, of facing that moment where I would tempt myself to give in and instead actually stand within the directive principle of myself to not allow it – to actually direct myself in that moment of not following the belief of the need for energy and instead breathe and physically be here, participating in physical reality as what it necessary to be done in the moment/in my day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being tired and wanting to take a nap and not allowing myself to as being uncomfortable and so within this definition resist this experience and thus want to go to bed early

So these are some of the points I am currently facing/have faced since starting this 21 days of no naps. I realize it’s really not about the naps or sleeping – it’s really about the relationship I have with energy and how I depend on it so much to direct me and move me. And so this is part of the greater process in stopping my dependency on energy and realizing that the process I am walking is that of standing equal with the physical, with the breath, with life that does not require any source outside of me to move me and thus ultimately I must get myself to the point where I can move me without the need of energy. We have created ourselves as slaves to energy and have designed it to come is so many forms as our experience; our thoughts, feelings, emotions - yet have never realized that the only real experience here in this existence, this reality – is one that is/as/of the breath – with/as/of the physical body. That is when I am Here and that is when I no longer enslaved. That is when I am directive principle of Me. That is when I am actually awake.


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