So in the list I made, 4 things were laid out for me to face and ultimately give myself direction with. Since writing the list I see another point that is more of a priority than what I had actually written down because it's a point that supports in providing the time required to do the others things from my list. And it's a point that has been cycling throughout my life where I give into the action in an act of self dishonesty - as hiding from myself/not facing myself, in avoiding things, in giving up - not actually moving myself.
The point here is napping. lol - oh innocent naps - it's not 'you' - it's me! Naps are cool and I have been able to apply them as actual self support and support for the body, however as of recently, they have been to avoid, resist and suppress walking through certain points in my day. An act of giving up actually. Like, "Oh, I cannot do this, this is too much... oh cool, I think I'm tired, I would like to 'rest', sleep is nice and cozy and I don't have to do anything or think about anything, I can just escape to my bed."
Off topic for a moment here, for those that have been following my blog - the 'list' I am referring to and the points placed for me to give direction to, the last one was specifically the 'point' I was requiring to face, "the addiction" lol - sounds vague? Ok - I will reveal here it's an addiction to smoking cigarettes. I have not come out and shared that specifically because of self judgments about it 'being bad' and so this is not standing equal to my addiction. So I share for all to see - Hi, My name is Kristina and I'm addicted to Cigarettes. I also shared this point as placing the words "addiction" because the nature of my relationship with smoking is the same as any other addiction one would face. Whether it to be food, shopping, relationships, porn - whatever, the point remain the same. An outside source or point we use to consume ourselves and our life without any self directive principle within it - the belief 'we need it' and we use to suppress ourselves, to feel good, to lift ourselves up, masked as okay with all sorts of justifications - yet it remain that we are addicted and we cannot stop. So that is the first step - realizing yes, we are addicted yet there are solutions and the ability to stop. So I share my point of addiction in not 'naming it' also to support others - in relating to the nature of the relationship and not so much 'what' we are addicted to. Let's face it - we are addicts, doesn't matter our drug of choice. The behavior and motives and consequences are the same, to a certain extent. Ok - so that is that point.
Back to Naps. No more naps. That is the point I am giving myself direction with here also. I have used naps to not face myself in a whole day and I see I can easily support myself in stopping for 21 days - to redefine my relationship within it, to stop and stand up, to face myself and no longer allow myself to use such a point to escape, instead face what I am trying to escape from.
I have also never really applied self forgiveness or self corrective statements for this point or in relation to sleeping in general, so I will share this as well, what I find I am running and hiding from, why I am thinking I need to nap - so will be sharing the process as I go.
That is it for now - thanks for reading.
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