However, my experience was still the same in that it is not how I ‘usually’ experience myself, which is here, enjoying myself, having fun – I mean I would say that is my overall experience within process, stable and able to support myself and enjoying the process. Yet yesterday and today there was like this experience of something not sitting right, and I could not place it and I was feeling overwhelmed and discouraged in relation to where I am within my process.
Going into a chat with another, it was like a slight resistance but also anxiety because I did not want to communicate, yet it’s also like I was sitting on a point, without knowing it, and so in general my experience is not how it usually is when going into chat. You could call it 'a mood.' Which is how I experienced myself - impending doom.
I was not as amused and I was again within the experience of where I could not simply breathe and enjoy myself. Once the communication was turned around towards me, it was like I wanted to communicate about my experience but at the same time I didn't, because I didn't know ‘how to’ explain it. It’s like overall I have this experience of seeing multiple points and I can never specify myself in relation to seeing just one point and see how that is influencing me as my experience – it’s more like there are many, many points all interconnected and intertwined that influence me in a moment and so it’s like I ‘think’ I cannot pin point what exactly is going on with me.
However, through communicating with another about it, feeling like I was not really making sense and their supportive questioning - I got to the point of seeing indeed yes, there were multiple points that have been here within me that I have ‘wanted’ to give direction to, yet I have been allowing them to just sit within me – not directing them, not doing anything with them and depending on the nature of these things as my relationship towards them, some are more influential then others. But overall I realized there were many points I was not giving direction to that I wanted to. So in the chat I made a list and we walked through the list. And it was very cool to write them down and look at each one in terms of what I would like to be doing with them and why I haven’t been doing that. I placed about 4 things on the list – and the very last one of course revealed to be the one I was most resisting in looking at. Because it is an addiction I have continued to allow yet have completely giving up all direction towards sorting out. And in this could see the moment I placed it in writing, communicated about it with another - about where I 'really' was with it - getting to self honesty about it, there was like this weight that came off of me and all of a sudden I was ‘free’ again to be myself.
It was quite interesting how addressing this one point and giving myself at least the smallest of direction with it, in facing the fact that I haven’t and I have basically turned my back to it, which is another form of apathy where I have given up all hopes of ever being able to stop it. This one addiction I can see influence how I experience myself overall in my process. Because I have not taken on this one point, I have not written about it much, I have not really gone into it – really looked at it throughout my life, have basically attempted to ignore it – I see because of this that determines pretty much how I experience myself in relation to all things in my process. Because that is the point of change I am not willing to take on, direct and live. That is the point where I can apply these tools that I have and really prove to myself that I am willing and able to stop and change myself. Yet up until this point, I have not really wanted to. Not really tried. Or when I have stopped it – it has been a temporary moment in time and usually because there is some other external relationship that I can focus my attention on to distract me – but at the moment I find myself alone, that addiction is here and I really think I cannot possibly let it go. And because I have not faced this or actually made the decision to direct myself out of this addiction relationship – I feel like a fraud in my process as a whole – because I am not actually walking myself out of the addiction, supporting myself, directing myself and changing myself. I am accepting this dependency relationship. And in this - making the living statement of "I can't change and I wont change". Essentially compromising myself in all areas of my life because of this one point - which could then be seen as sabotage - sabotaging myself from actually standing up within principles, making the decision of who I am and actually living the correction. Because I allow lenience with this point I allow it in all others points in not becoming absolutely directive and determined to change my ways.
So I am grateful to have been able to communicate this with another, finally seeing what is going on in terms of my experience the last couple days and now be willing to give myself some direction with it. I am going to be writing about this on my own time and I will share I’m sure here and there where I am at with it – yet here I just wanted to share that I see how one relationship as an addiction within myself/my life influences me in more ways than I imagined. And because of my lack of facing this, I created quite the unstable experience for myself. So again, I am grateful to be able to see this and to now walk the process I realize it will be in stopping and directing myself out of it. So patience and breath and using the tools I have to become acquainted with myself as this addiction to then be able to give myself solutions, how to stop and reasons for doing so that are best for all/me.
Another point I will place for myself here - as I have seen/realized/understood within my process of how oh so supportive 'lists' are in sorting out whatever it is we are resisting doing, but have that point of "ok I know I must" and even "Yes, I would like to do this for myself" - even just writing these points down is the first step in the 'right direction' in walking them through. Obviously one then make that decision to actually do it yet if we can support ourselves within this one point of laying it all out for ourselves in terms of what we see we can be doing, but haven't yet allowed ourselves to do - that is a supportive step in directing ourselves towards living in ways we see are best.
Ok that is it for now... will continue on my Journey to Life.
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