Day 235: The Most Difficult Thing - Self Honesty to Shatter our Illusions

At the moment I am experiencing a more exaggerated experience I've had throughout the day – and perhaps another placed the word in communication – apathy.

I saw this experience when seeing on television the Syrian death’s – assuming it was a chemical attack – and many children were suffering because of it. I saw images of people having seizures and laying helpless and looks of pain on their face and the overall environment seemed chaotic. I found myself having the ‘expected’ reaction where I was seeing these images, I realize they are real people, I am expected to react in horror and sadness and yet I felt nothing. It was like I put on the “I feel this – I can’t believe this is happening” face, yet the experience there was nothing. It was like I could not feel for them. And yet the day before I watched a 6 minute documentary about animals being abused for our consumption and I cringed at the images, I didn't want to see but I told myself I must watch this and see what is happening in our world – to actually face it. Yet seeing these Syrian people suffering because of an attack – I cannot say the experience was the same as when I see animals being abused. And this is concerning. This is apathy. This is no real care as I cannot even stand in their shoes and see the atrocities that are happening.

Yet here I must ask myself – do I expect myself to feel something? Yes, to feel shame and motivated to stand up and do something about what is going on in this world. Yet there is this hopelessness, like no matter what I do it’s never enough. It’s never good enough. It’s never producing the results I want and really this reveals the ego that is me – the self interest that is me, because while millions are suffering and being abused for another man’s war, helpless victims to our sick society – I care more about whether what I am doing is coming off as ‘good’ to others. And it’s like I don’t even want to admit this. I don’t want to admit how selfish and greedy and uncaring I am. Although I think of myself to be so caring, all I care about is my personal relationships, how they define me, what kind of energy high I can get from them, what kind of attention I can get, what kind of appraisal I can get. It’s sick actually how much I have placed value on this. And even judgment that I have not allowed myself to sort this out before now. Why only now am I willing to look at this? Because my experience requires it of me, because I am feeling depressed and not satisfied and I see the satisfaction is the mask of seeking self interest. I think I am not satisfied in my process, when really I am not satisfied I am not getting the attention and recognition I think I somehow deserve when it’s clear I deserve none because what have I done for life? I am instead numbing myself to the real life events that are taking place every day because I am too blinded by the energy I am seeking to get - of attention and approval and recognition. I want to stand out and be special and I realize its all bullshit and so why have I continued to allow this?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become apathetic to the daily horrors of our world as when I see images of beings attacking each others and the chaos and pain in creates for other’s, I do not feel a thing, I am numb in fact and instead pretend I care by placing an expression on my face that I think is expected of me – one of disgust and concern, when this is only so others will see me and think “she really cares” – but the truth is I have no experience about it, it does not shock me as it should, back  into reality and willing enough to stand in their shoes and realize what the fuck is going on and stop at nothing to stop it’s existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about the animals that are being abused and suffering on earth more than other humans, where I have become numb to others humans and their lives, where I have been so completely brainwashed to care only about myself that I cannot even feel the pain of another, I cannot stand in their shoes, I cannot understand what I have actually accepted and allowed within this world through my apathy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become apathetic towards this world and what is going on as the daily events that reveal there is some serious problems that require attention and needing to be sorted out and corrected, yet I do not feel an ounce of this urgency because I have consumed myself within my own self interest as the American dream and what I can get from others, and how I can win and achieve more and be recognized for my somehow glorious changes, when in truth I have been only changing ways to justify my ego and the accepted existence of myself – I have not actually been willing to face myself in self honesty, the brutal truth of myself, as I do not even care to face the brutal truth of our world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process In such a way that serve only my self interest, where I only care about me and how I feel and how I look to others and to within this not become self honest about it in every moment, not allowing myself to claim ignorance as I have no excuse with the tools I have here for me in every moment, I have not pushed myself effectively enough to see what is behind the pretty picture, the picture I so desperately hold onto as to preserve my safety in this world, believing somehow I am sheltering myself from the ‘real world’ revealing I only exist in an illusion and here I must realize I must shatter my own illusion, I must break apart my own box that I have confined myself within to not see the truth of myself or this world

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for the new layers and dimensions I see within me, that of being apathetic towards our world and what is actually going on and the nature of what is being accepted and allowed – to judge myself for not caring about real life and only caring about the fake life I continue to live within a fake face that I present to keep my ego and self interest alive

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing this to the world as I have feared exposing this to myself because within this there is shame at what I have accepted and allowed, that I have not actually pushed myself to see for real my self honesty, and have only presented myself within my process to remain safe and secure within my self interest of energy addiction

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I am unworthy for what I see as me, and feel I do not deserve a place in this life because I have not cared about this life – I have only cared about the insignificant things in this world that do not matter as they are based within an illusion in my mind of images and pictures that I want to keep as to not let go or lose my perceived position, where others like and accept me and validate me – I have been in fact to scared to see the reality of myself, to become actually self honesty and have walked my process in ways where I remain in tact in my self interest and energy addiction

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and slow myself down when I see myself reacting within my mind, towards myself, towards my experiences, towards my thoughts and emotions and feelings and continue to create this experience of overwhelming-ness where I then go into comparisons and judgments about myself and my process and really it’s because I have not been walking for myself, as my responsibility, but for others and how others will see me and what position I might be able to obtain as somehow being seen and ‘good’ and ‘changing’ when in fact because of my starting point for walking process being to hold onto my self interest and ego, I have not made any progress and thus feel stuck and not moving because I have not been moving myself, I have only presented the illusion of movement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my application where I think I am trying to find my ‘structure’ in how I can place my writing and self forgiveness, or how I go about writing my JTL blogs, and within this ‘wanting to be effective’ as how it will effect others and so within this compromise myself within my own process as I am existing within a personality that I want to present so others will like me and look up to me, as I have looked up to others and in this still causing separation as I see some as more than me and others as less than me and not at all standing within the principles of equality and oneness as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the back chat of “I will never get this” in relation to my process and what I am walking – to judge myself within it through comparisons and to diminish or lift myself up depending on who I am comparing myself to and within this fear of sharing these words as I fear I will be judged by others instead of realizing this is a projection of myself – where I am judging others and myself and within this distracting myself from actually walking my process, because I don’t actually want to change because I actually don’t think I can change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I cannot change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think changing is hard and difficult and within this already give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to walk my process as a polarity, where I will cycle within myself of ups and downs as the back chats within my mind and here facing the down as the negative polarity cycle I have been playing out whereas last week I was within the positive polarity cycles, and so cycling around myself and finding my experience within my day to day living to be inconsistent and able to change day to day and seeing this is not stability

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to participate in positive back chats within my mind where I tell myself I am doing well, and I am being effective, and I am making process and define myself as my application of writing and self forgiveness to be cool, all within a positive energy charge and thus then become surprised when I find myself within the negative experience, where the back chats is that of I am no good, and I cannot do this, and I am not effective enough and all the while not realizing I am accepting and allowing this whole polarity play out through allowing just one back chat to exist within me, to believe it, to trust it

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to exist as polarity where I trust the positive, yet when the negative comes to equalize itself, I become afraid and overwhelmed and judge myself for what I have been doing, instead of realizing the trap I am existing within as my own creation – not stopping myself from going into the positive self talk as back chat

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that my mind is more of a mess than others and to within this think that I cannot possibly sort out what is here as my mind, instead of stopping and breathing and taking one thing on at a time as I see I have essentially walked my process in attempting to take one point on in a day, yet because of the extent-ness of our brainwashed programming – everything is interconnected and so I must realize the time and space it will take to walk one point at a time and stop myself from going into all sorts of points yet not walking them in their entirety, to get the actual understanding of the pattern I am existing within and instead accumulate many points that I start to look at but to do not investigate beyond the initial layer, because I don’t want to through my definition of it being too much and too hard and really not willing to face the truth of myself as I see within these self forgiveness's, I don’t want to admit who I am and what exists within me and so the very same point I started my Journey to Life blog series on – exposing myself. I have projected this ‘fear of exposing myself’ unto others, yet now it’s time to once and for all bring this point back to myself – I fear exposing myself to myself – fear of admitting what I have done wrong, what I have accepted and allowed within me, the truth of me and so within this wanting so desperately to hold onto the image of myself that I Have presented to the world, and to myself in my denial of what is actually here, hidden beneath the layers I have so conveniently covered myself up with – hiding the truth, not becoming humble and not willing to stand in the face of myself and dare to let go of my self interest to become life

I have really not allowed myself to go into myself and sort out the points that come up within me – I skim the surface and justify that as ‘being enough’ – when in reality I don’t want to face reality. Yet I realize this is the self honesty I've been hearing about and that it’s the most difficult thing. Indeed it is as it shatters the illusion we have so whole-heartedly accepted to be real and trusted. I realize the reasons I do not trust myself is because I have not really lived in such a way to be trusted, because despite my claim of ignorance, I have seen all along who I have been and what I've been doing, but I have attempted to ignore it in my desire to keep me as a personality, a character, an ego-driven, self interest, organic robot alive. I have not been willing to kill myself as “Kristina” as the definitions I Have placed upon myself and birth myself as life, to actually stand equal to others, to this world, to this creation - in fear of what I will lose, what I will miss, not realizing it’s all been a lie.

I must become humble and stop this ego as this ego is destroying life. It is not real. It is not living. It is fake and false and I have completely giving my power over to it. The road to freedom is through self honesty and self forgiveness. No one can forgive me unless I forgive myself.

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