Our conversation was coming to an end and she shared news with me I thought I would never hear.
"Bernard has passed away... his heart stopped."
That moment of timelessness carried on forever, as if I was stuck in that moment, anticipating a reaction that would never come.
I couldn't believe it... it's couldn't be possible. What words could I possibly express with this expressionless experience I had?
I had to go to work.
I thanked her for chatting with me and continued on getting myself ready to leave for work. What else could I do? I am still here and my responsibilities remain.
As I was gathering my things to leave my house... slowly but surely... the reality as the realization set it...
Bernard was gone.
I stopped and I cried. I let myself sob like a baby as I realized a Living Example unlike anything else in this world has left.
This Man - this human by the name of Bernard Poolman did more for me in the 4 years I have known him than anyone or even myself had done for me. And yet he offered me nothing. He promised me nothing. He simply lived who he was within principles - a process that he walked throughout his life that lead him to be an Example that I saw the value in in all that he did.
I breathed through the tears and continued to leave my house and got into my car. The reality hit again and again I allowed myself to cry. He was really gone. Is this a joke? How can this be? What will happen now?
The experiences and points coming up within me on my car ride were one of clarity and sadness. I realized nothing will change. Nothing will change if I do not change. And the fear I had and the loss I experienced I reflected back to myself. I saw that who Bernard was and what he represented to me was what I was missing from my own life - from my own self. I had not yet given myself strength, determination, self will and motivation. These are the points I saw I no longer had in the wake of his death. Somehow with him gone... these were gone too?
Bernard taught me that I must Give to myself. That I must be Self Honest with myself. That There is nothing that can save me, protect me or support me. That I am Alone in this Existence and as fearful as this realization is it is a self honest one. I Alone must face the Reality we have Here. I Alone can Be the Change required in this World. I Alone can Direct myself and my world into a place of Worth. I Alone can Stand as ALL as ONE.
I am Al-one.
I got to work and although there were tears still coming and going, I breathed and decided that I will allow myself to be at work, to be present and do what I see I must do in the moment. The World has not stopped Moving and I had to continue on with what job I had before me.
I was stable at work, surprisingly so. Although to be honest, I wanted nothing more to be done with work and get home to the support and connection I have found through the foundation Bernard had set in motion. The Destonians gathered for a chat and many were sharing their experiences. I could relate to all of them.
As the tears kept coming I imagined Bernard Saying, "Why Cry for Me and not the Millions of Children starving today?"
He would not have wanted this. He would not have stood for this - the mourning of one Man's death instead of the Mourning for what this World has Become. For who we each have become. This is where real sadness exists.
This is another thing Bernard lived as an Example for me - Stepping outside of one's own Self Interest and bubble of Ego to See a Whole World in dire need of Attention; of real Human Beings in this World that Actually Care and that are willing to let go of their personal desires and wants and Dare to Stand Up for the Rest of the World - for those of Us that have no Voice and yet are crying out. I never heard their voices because I never dared to look; to see, to hear or be Here. Bernard supported me to Realize there is more than Myself in this Existence... there is SO MUCH MORE in this Existence and our limited perception of our own self interest is unacceptable.
I spent only two months on the Desteni Farm and am grateful to say I was able to meet and spend time with Bernard. Two Months on the Farm and in speaking with Bernard assisted me more than any other experience in my Life. Because he was Direct. He was brutally Direct and would not Accept anything Less than what is Best for All from me or from anyone.
I recall a moment where I was sitting in my room and he came in with a voice recorder. He proceeded to make a recording as support for me and the main point I remember from that Moment was when he said, "So Kristina - Make sure you Live so that You Can Die"
These words carried a weight in me since then, reflecting on what it means to Truly Live. If I am not Ready to Die in any moment, I am not actually Living. Bernard lived in such a way, giving all of himself, unconditionally, in every moment and always pushing for another's potential. In this I realized I must stop hiding and I must stand up. I must be a voice for the voiceless - I must give to another what I would like to receive. I must live in such a way where I can live out loud. I must live without Shame. Until Desteni and the Living Example of B - I lived in a hole of shame. Self Forgiveness has been my way out.
Never had I considered living up to my real potential. Never had I thought I had potential. I always accepted and never questioned myself and how I deemed myself as unworthy - I would never do anything in this Life, what was the point... I had no point. Bernard showed me I had to give myself a point. A purpose. And he did this through his Living Example. He spoke words that cut through the veil of myself and brought me to a point of self honesty I could not deny. I had giving up on Me in Life and he showed me how to Stand Up. For myself. For All of myself - For All as One as Equal.
And yet Bernard was Just a Man. Like I am Just a WoMan. There is nothing Special about him or me. There is nothing special about anyone in this world. Because we are All Equal.
The Message is what Matters. That the Physical Earth is what Matters and what is happening on Earth Matters. Let us All take a real good look at what is Going on as the time is now for each one to Stand Equal to and One with the Principles Bernard Poolman so graciously showed in all that he did. Self Honesty. Equality. Oneness. What is Best for All.
Never Accept anything without Investigating in All things and keeping only that which is Good. It is time we Forgive Ourselves for what we have not Giving to ourselves and Each other. Only together as One - All as One - Alone can we live in ways that can actually manifest Heaven on Earth as what is Best for All. Bernard's death is not in vain as what he created was a group of People that saw the value in his Message, the reality that only together as One Humanity can we sort out the mess we have created. And we continue to apply the principles and will continue to Stand, 1+1+1... until this is Done. Until this World is a Place of Worth - reflected as the image and likeness of Equality and Oneness. The Man might be Gone, but the Message remain. We Remain. We are the Ones to Be the Change we Want to see in this World.
Bernard had his feet firmly planted and grounded in this Reality and so we have mighty shoes to fill. Yet we have the tools and the example from which to Live. To never accept anything less of ourselves as who we really are in each moment. To Always breathe and be Here in Physical Reality. To stop our Self interest and Give as we would like to receive. To stop at Nothing in Creating what this World should truly be - A place for All as unconditional Support and Expression.
We have no more excuses and no more time. We must Be Responsible.
Thank you Bernard for Being Here and showing what it means to Love Self and All Life Equally.
Forever I am Grateful.
Thank you Destonians - All who have heard the Message that is Best for All, hear the Common Sense and Stand for Life in this World - I am grateful to walk with you and I am grateful for your living examples. Together we Stand... Let's do this.
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