07 August 2013

225: How to Create Effective Relations with Others

A point I would like to write about came up  while I was reading Rozelle's JTL blog Misaligned Word Definitions and Miscommunication. In this blog she is describing communication between her and her partner and because of an unclear understanding of a word, there was confusion that could have lead into conflict in the interaction and would probably have produced an unwanted outcome in the relationship-agreement. While I was reading this I was reminded of a moment I had with my partner the other day.

He was in a position of wanting to express certain points/experiences within himself in relation to our agreement-relationship and because of my unwillingness to take responsibility for myself, for my experience/reactions, Because what he had to share in communication, I was taking personally - this lead to an outcome/interaction that was unnecessary and unwanted. This could potentially lead to an idea that one cannot share openly/honestly with another in fear of how one might react. A lack of trust even, as I could not trust myself in that moment to be here in/as the communication as I was instead within my own mind reacting to what he was sharing.

The point specifically here is the value of agreements vs relationships as they are currently accepted, and this is also expressed in Rozelle's blog I shared above. The point being that the only way a relationship-agreement can work between two beings, is through effective communication. The only way communication can be effective is through stable participants. The only way the participants (partners) can be stable is through a process of taking self responsibility. For me I see this is done through a process of purifying (my)self as the words I live through the tools of writing, self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective application. These are tools I have learned through the Desteni Group and have been walking a process of applying for almost 4 years now.

So I was not, in that moment of communicating with my partner, taking responsibility for myself and thus 'locked out' of being 'here' and 'open' and 'willing' even to hear what my partner had to share. Instead I took personally what he was sharing - revealing I was not taking responsibility for the points that are existent within me - instead I was existing as ego, as a limited definition of myself and in turn blaming my partner for sharing himself. This I see creates destruction instead of expansion which I see is the difference between relationships as they currently exist/are accepted and agreements between two beings walking a process to become one and equal.

I can see in the current accepted version of relationships in our world, relationships I myself have existed/participated within/as - things that are going on in our internal reality/secret mind - we keep secret, even from ourselves. There is not actual honesty about experiences/reactions/judgments going on within ourselves towards ourselves or perhaps towards our partners because within ourselves there is separation, abuse, hate, judgments, blame, resentments, ideas, expectations, beliefs - all things we have constructed and designed throughout our lives through examples of family, social interactions, school, media and society/culture.  And because we are not willing to be self honest about this, take responsibility and actually share in open communication with ourselves which flows out from us and into communication with another, we create a rift of conflict and distance. This obviously will lead to a failed relationship/partnership because when one is holding back from themselves through self investigation and thus from their partner or the other is not willing to be here for another in supporting one in their process/points they are facing (because they  have not yet done this for themselves) - then obviously no real growth, development or change can happen. It is a slow process of destruction through resistance and resentments instead of a process of challenging self, what is 'accepted' as relationship-dynamics/interactions in this world, and transformation = all of this starting in/as the relationship we have with/as ourselves.

I suppose this is a point of gratitude - for Desteni and the process I have been walking and the tools I have to create myself in such a way to move myself/change myself to become a being of integrity and living principles. The ability to create myself in such a way where I am able to interact with another with patience, understanding, real care and support through/as doing this for myself, is more valuable than any other ways I have accepted myself to live in/as relationships. I would rather have nothing hidden as the truth of what is here in a relationship-agreement/partnership then to have hidden points that are kept secret from one another because within this, no solutions can be realized, applied and thus lived. Instead these things are suppressed, ignored and denied and all pretend 'all is well'. That is not real communication, real care or even real love. That is abuse of life as ourselves and each other. That is the refusal to create any change as a solution and only perpetuates the current state of ourselves/our world.

So I see/realize/understand the value of communication and how the creation of effective communication starts with self; who I am within/as myself in each moment, who I am within my mind, what I accept and allow to exist within me as my thoughts/feelings/emotions. I am responsible for who I am within/as communication with all beings and I see how I define myself, how I define words and how I define life on earth - to be the cause/source/origin of what is currently here as the manifestation of our world. Only through self investigation and the willingness to become self honest about who we are in Relation to everything/all that is here are we able to transform life on earth to be one of destruction/conflict/secrets and abuse to actual life into living in/as equality and oneness, respect, care, integrity and self expression.

The Process starts with ourselves. Check out Desteni I Process Lite, which is a free course that supports to learn/apply/live the basics of how to establish an effective relationship with ourselves and others.


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