18 July 2013

217: Addictions of the Mind - Missing and Hoping

Here I am continuing from the previous post, going into self forgiveness in relation to the points I shared about some experiences I have been having this week since stopping my addiction, which has been a point of 'missing' and a sense of 'loss' as how one could relate to 'losing' a relationship and within that the experience of hope that one day I will be 'reunited' or be able to participate in the addiction again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship within myself towards a point (my addiction) outside and separate from me here to such an extent that when I remove/stop this relationship I go into an emotional experience of missing and a sense of loss - where I relate it to ending a relationship that I can no longer participate with and thus within this miss it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency towards something (my addiction) outside and separate from me here to the point that I allow myself to miss it and feel as if I have lost something

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust the experience that comes up within me of 'missing' my addiction and to within this actually believe I am missing it within a sense of loss instead of stopping in that moment as realizing the experience is not real and my creation that I can stop in one moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within/as my addiction as the relationship I have created towards it that is outside/separate from me here and thus when I no longer have that point/addiction/relationship - feel as if I am missing something, as if I have lost a part of me - revealing I have separated a part of myself into/as the addiction - instead of realizing I am still here, complete and whole and without the need of the relationship as addiction I have created in separation of myself and thus proving the experience of 'missing' and 'loss' is not real, because I am still here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an addict that cannot live without my addiction

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to trust the experience as the emotion of missing and a sense of loss in relation to my addiction that I Have stopped,  so much so that I then within this, experience hope that one day I will be able to participate within it again

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to desire being able to participate within my addiction again, projecting myself into a future reality within my mind, separate from me here, into an actual illusion that I then generate the feelings of hope in projecting myself into the experience of having/participating in my addiction - all within the starting point of fear as no longer having my addiction and thus desiring to have it again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within hope of being able to participate in my addiction again in some future reality in not allowing myself to realize this is the seed of failure, of falling, as setting myself up to not stand as the decision I have made to walk this life in no longer allowing addictions to direct me

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can hold onto hope, instead of realizing that hope exists within the mind as holding onto some future belief that I will obtain something - instead of being here, in this moment, as this breath, not in my mind, but as myself as life, directing myself here in each moment in stopping the desire for a future without taking responsibility for what i am creating in separating myself from this reality as this moment here through accepting hope within my mind - not realizing that in not being here and allowing myself to exist in hope - I am not directing my present moment to be a foundation of the future in which I would like to be within for myself and for all equally

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to secretly want to hold onto my addiction as hope within my mind of being able to again participate in desiring the feelings and experiences I have had within the addiction - valuing that more than me as physical substance and being self directive in no longer requiring an energetic experience to determine the nature of myself or 'how I feel' or what kind of life I will live or experiences I will have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain ideas and thoughts within my mind in the form of missing and feeling like I have lost a relationship and within this exist within hope for it's return, instead of stopping and breathing and realizing that to allow this point within me is me accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self will and directive principle of me here over to my addiction as thinking and believing "i need it" and "I miss it" and I am at a loss without it - instead of realizing that what I am missing is me here in the moment of allowing such words and beliefs to exist within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself here through existing in my mind as thoughts of my whole life projected into the future - where I see the rest of my life without this addiction and to within this 'dread' the future without the relationship I have created towards the addiction - instead of seeing the support here in referencing to me that I have separated myself from myself here and so in this moment immediately and stop and breathe and bring myself back to myself here, as this physical reality, as my physical body and do not allow myself to separate myself into my mind as a separate reality as a life that I Have not yet lived where I see I then go into reaction for no longer having my addiction - instead of remaining HERE, grounded in actual physical reality and taking on the moment as I stand as I see here is where I am capable and able to walk the decision I have made in stopping my addictions

When and as I see myself existing within an energetic experienced produced from within my mind of thinking and believing that I miss and am at a loss without my addiction and thus hope to one day be able to again participate within this addiction - I stop and I breathe and bring myself out of my mind and back to my directive power and principle here as breathe as who I really am within the self honest decision I have made to in this life walk without addiction, as i see/realize/understand that the experience of missing and loss and even hope for my addiction as the relationship I have created towards it as something outside/separate from me here that gives me special, energetic experiences that i have created a dependency on - is supporting me to see I am within my mind and not here and is actually the seed of accumulating a fall and so within this I stop and I breathe and do not allow myself to accept, believe or participate in the experience of missing, feel as if I've lost or even hope to experience my addiction as giving myself the gift to actually walk the decision I have made as the commitment to myself as life as directive principle and no longer giving my power and self will to something outside and separate from me here


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