03 July 2013

210: reTurning and Facing the Bully in Me

Ok - so here I am going to walk the commitment I made in the previous post to finish what I have started in terms of going back to the blogs in my Journey to Life that were walked as a series that I gave up on/myself and finish walking through them with self forgiveness  and self corrective statements- before I even go into the points I started writing about that opened this point as support for myself - which you can see here in this blog. Yes - I hear myself and see what I have been doing and so I will trust myself within what I see is required of me within my process/Journey to Life.

Here I return to the Bully in me - in stopping myself from bullying myself as burying down points that I leave for later instead of walking them through to it's removal/completion/solution. I opened this point in my blog over a month ago and identified two memories from my life that were sustaining the paranoia I was existing within as fearing someone making fun of me/not being real with me. I started walking through the first memory and after going through majority of the list - hit a wall, justified my resistance and gave up with the excuse, "I can move on from this" But really what I was doing was saying it was too much for me to continue - and then told myself I would do it later/on my own and so began the suppression process of burying it again within myself as to not have to face it/sort it out or deal with it - instead I attempted to ignore it.

I am grateful for this process, the tools and for myself as self honesty is the most difficult thing however - when it is here and clear there is no denying it. You can try - but inevitably the conflict it creates within self to do just that becomes too much and one force oneself to move. So here I will move myself through the rest of the points Identified in this first memory. For context - here is the last blog I wrote in relation to the Bully Character. Day 192: Suppressing the Sadness

Interesting to see how the last blog I wrote in relation to this point was having to do with suppression - surfacing the points I had suppressed in that moment/memory and then from here go straight into the same point again.

Ok - so from the original blog in this series, the next points waiting to be walked through with self forgiveness are:

Relief the moment was over

"Dumping" Cristina for my own self interest

I recall the moment of facing these points when I went to continue in this blog series. I read these two lines and said to myself, "I have already addressed these points/similar points in previous blogs so I do not need to continue with this" - as this stage I had already been participating in thoughts and back chats in relation to the point and how I saw it as 'long' and 'difficult' so this moment was the nail in the coffin of the already accepted creation of putting it away forever. So first I will apply self forgiveness for that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when facing my bully blog and seeing points to walk self forgiveness with - see them and define them as similar points I have already addressed with self forgiveness and use as an excuse for my allowed thoughts and back chats as excuses to not commit and complete walking through the memory as finishing what I start and to within this excuse myself within saying "it's already been done" and in that moment, turning my cheek and looking for something else to write about - instead of firstly considering if this was actually true - if I had actually addressed these points or check if I was being dishonest in that moment - which I was, as I see that these two lines can be taken a part and opened up with self forgiveness and perhaps reveal something to me that I had not seen/considered in the previous self forgiveness and so within this I forgive myself that i Have not accepted and allowed myself to take each point identified within my blog series/points I face within my writing into self forgiveness in seeing/realizing/understanding that so much can be opened through the process of self forgiveness as the layers of an onion being pealed away and self honesty in direct seeing open up and so I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not gift myself with the opportunity to apply self forgiveness and instead solidify the resistance I had been creating in relation to this blog series as being 'too much' with the excuse that "I've already applied self forgiveness for this" - which I now see was not actually the point - it was the smoke screen to excuse myself within the justifications I was giving myself

When and as I see myself using reasoning within my mind such as "I've already done this - these points have been addressed with self forgiveness" in relation to walking points through in my Journey to Life blogs - I STOP and breathe in that moment to take a look as where I am - determine if I am being self honesty or not through seeing if I had been participating and thus creating a resistance/wall to the particular points I am attempting to not continue with as I see/realize/understand how influential back chats can be as they seem reasonable in the moment but usually are excuses to continue allowing the justifications being applied to not continue or finish what I start as back chats accumulation - I commit myself to become self honest with myself in really assessing whether I am deliberately trying to ignore myself/my mind/points that come up in my writing and to no longer allow this of myself and to instead commit myself to the process of walking through my mind as the Journey to Life blogs and no longer allowing myself to suppress points, ignore points or put away for later through any means of justification - I commit myself to face myself in such moments and push through the resistance in realizing this is the Journey - moving beyond the borders I have created around myself.

I commit myself to take all points I identify for myself in my Journey to Life blogs into self forgiveness - whether I 'think' I have applied them or not - in seeing/realizing/understanding that self forgiveness is the gift of opening up self to the reality of what is here as me - as I have come to see what can unfold and emerge and be revealed through the process of self forgiveness and how there is always something I am hiding which I can support myself to bring through to face and forgive with the self forgiveness application and so I commit myself to support myself with self forgiveness as it's the most amazing tool I have to get to know myself


Ok - now onto the points laid out above for self forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience relief in the moment after 'dumping' Cristina wherein I felt better the moment was over because I could suppress and believe I was forgetting what I had just done - I could turn my cheek and ignore the dishonesty I allowed of myself and to within this feel relief - feel better as I no longer had to face it - it was done and over with and now I could move on with myself and thus revealing the selfish nature I allowed of myself in such a moment/action where I allowed myself to experience relief as the act of suppression for what I had just done, pretending to myself that i no longer experienced the truth or reality of who I actually was within this moment towards Cristina and not once consider her experience, her reaction - what I caused within her as I'm sure relief would not be the word to express herself in such a moment and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven by my self interest in only considering myself and not others in how they feel or experience themselves and how my actions can affect others - realizing that who I am has a ripple effect within existence and so every moment I am responsible for who I am as what i accept and allow within me - as my thoughts, words and deeds and so I forgive myself that I, through my self interest and feeling of relief, did not consider the totality of the moment as what I had accepted and allowed and thus not take responsibility for my participation - in the creation of myself and her wherein through our interaction and what I allowed myself to do to her could have caused consequences and effects that are still felt today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dump Cristina as the action of telling her I would no longer be her friend, within/as the starting point of self interest - where I was thinking of/accepting my fear of not being good enough, cool enough, accepted or 'part of the crowd' and thus desired to have this and so within this when the opportunity presented itself, I took it and did not look twice as what i was actually doing and questioning whether what I would have to do in order to attain my perceived status with the other girls in my class - asking myself whether it was actually worth it or not - and within this not assessing the situation as the consequential outflows of my actions/behaviors - to see what ripple effects I would create within myself and another and existence as a whole as in that moment I was sustaining within me the points of self interest, fear, desire, dishonesty and thus accepting it within/as existence as a whole and so I forgive myself that i Have not accepted and allowed myself to once question throughout my life how who I am in any given moment effects those around me and the rest of existence as a whole, as I did not take into consider what could come of such a moment I lived out - I did not consider what would happen to Cristina, I did not consider what would happen to me - I was just blinded my self interest and my desire to attain something I perceived I did not have without stopping and questioning the validity of what I believed and placing it into practical physical reality as determining what I was thinking/believing/fearing/desiring was actually real or not and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust myself in moments of emotions and feelings and fears and desires without bringing it into physical reality as the cross-reference of what is real or not realizing that if I would have done such a thing I would have realized that what I was trying to do in 'dumping' Cristina was dump the experience I was accepting and allowing within myself as seeing myself as inferior through comparison to other beings - when I am actually equal to all beings as the ability to function as a human physical body in physical reality and thus how I see others through judgments and comparisons is not actually real and so this here seeing that if I would have grounded myself in physical reality in assessing myself in that moment I could have stopped the illusions I was living out and lived in physical reality in honoring what is here as myself and as Cristina instead of abusing her for my own self interest

Will continue with the Bully in Me in posts to follow...


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