03 June 2013

Day 190: Raising my Voice and Running Away - The Truth Revealed

This is a continuation of a series I am currently walking:
181: The Birth of a Bully
182: The Birth of a Bully part 2
183: The Bully Character in All it's Dimensions: Memory #1
184: Bonding over Names and Shared Interests
185: What we Allow within Inferiority and Superiority
186: Seeing Equality Through Polarity & Dumping Life for Illusion
188: Who I am Within the Decision/Choice I Make

So looks here we are into the physical dimension of the experience of myself in the moment of 'dumping' my friend Cristina for a desired definition of myself:

Raising the tone of my voice because Cristina did not believe me - so raising my voice as 'getting more serious' so that she will understand that I will no longer be her friend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to raise my voice tonality within frustration as the reaction to Cristina 'not getting it' wherein she did not actually believe me that I would no longer be her friend and so to 'prove my point' - attempted to become 'more serious' in raising my voice as projecting it to be more authoritative in forcing her to 'hear' me - that I would not longer be her friend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a louder voice tonality to be that of authority and to within this, access this pitch in order to 'prove a point' or 'prove my presence' as a way to show my 'standing' in what I am saying, yet realizing that if I must change the 'way' I am speaking/my voice tonality in attempt to 'prove' something, than obviously I do not believe it myself and so within this I forgive myself that I did not allow myself to question or see within myself in that moment with self honesty in realizing that what I was trying to do was not only convince her to what i was saying, by raising my voice tonality, but also myself - wanting her to 'get it' so that I could no longer face it as I was hiding the self honest realization that what I was doing what not cool and dishonest

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that how I tone myself as my voice is what determines how others 'hear' me, instead of realizing that if I am clear within who I am as the words I speak, and within self honesty as a clear decision and statement of who I am as I speak the words, than another can 'hear' me as well, it's only when I am attempting to hide with raising my voice that what is being spoken is not heard, by another or myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hide my dishonesty in the tonality of my voice

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have to get aggressive with another as the tonality of my voice in order for them to 'hear' me

I forgive myself that i Have not allowed myself to realize that if I am 'here' within the starting point of self honesty as who I am as a living statement of/as myself as the living words - then I do not require to 'raise my voice' for another to hear, I can simply speak

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to slow myself down enough in moments where I see my voice tonality change, as a way to 'prove myself' within what I am saying and stop and question myself within that moment as I can now see and realize that in attempting to 'raise' my voice, I am actually suppressing self honesty and only presenting ego or a belief of myself that does not actually stand as who I am here, but instead uses voice tonality to present myself in a specific way as self interest

When and as I see myself raising my voice tonality in the moment with another, I stop and I breathe and I assess whether I am within self honesty as an expression of myself, 'here' and clear in communication or whether I am attempting to hide within self dishonesty in thinking and believing I 'need' to raise my voice tonality to protray a point or get a point across that I think another is not seeing/hearing as I see/realize/understand that to use my voice tonality as a way to prove a point or to get a message across, then I am not actually clear, here, as who I am as the words I speak or the message I am attempting to share and instead using voice tonality to drown out the dishonesty within me as not actually being self honest with myself in such a moment of communication and so I commit myself to clear myself in all forms of communication through breathing in the moment, as standing within self honesty, to ensure I no longer attempt to manipulate myself or another with the tonality of my voice and instead simply be here, express here as myself as the words I speak and no longer forcing my point or perspective unto another through raising my voice tonality

Ran away from her after it was done, like trying to 'get away' from the whole thing and what I had just done - a form of suppression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn and run away as fast as I can, after telling Cristina I would no longer be her friend within the starting point of fear/desire to be better than the definition I had given to both her and I of being inferior to two girls in our class, and so within this - wanting to run away and get away from myself, from what i had just done, to not have to face my friend that I just abused for my own self interest

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to physically run away from myself as Cristina in the moment after I told her I would no longer be her friend, running away from my responsibility, from the reality of myself as the truth of myself of who I am accepting and allowing myself to be in such a moment, and to thus desire to run away and get away as quickly as possible as a way to suppress myself, what I had just done and the consequences created from me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have actually run away from myself, as I run away from Cristina after telling her I would no longer be her friend within my own desired outcome of being friends with two girls in our class that I defined as superior to us, and so within this - believe if I physically run away from that moment with Cristina, that I am actually running away and leaving behind what I had just done, who I accepted and allowed myself to be and what I created as a con-sequence as an outflow from that moment - instead of realizing that here I find myself, 20 years later - facing this moment again, after trying to put it away, to get away from it, to keep it far 'behind' me as I have been running from the truth of myself for all this time - here it is, in my face waiting for me to take responsibility for and so again, I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that if I physically run away from a person, from myself, from a moment that I accepted myself to be less than who I really am, that that will forever be behind me, instead of realizing I am always here - as the truth of me and thus time to stand responsible for what/who I am in this life and no longer believing I can run away from myself, but instead, stop and turn to face myself to get to the bottom of myself, to clear myself from the self interest and abuse I have allowed as the existence of me and never again allow myself to live in such a way where I want to run away from myself

When and as I see myself physically wanting to run away from a moment or a being in attempting to get away from what I have done or accepted and allowed of myself in that moment, in seeing it not being self honest or best for all, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization/awareness that I cannot actually run away from myself and to desire to do so reveal I must face it, as I am hiding something, I am suppressing something, I am not allowing myself to see myself in absolute clarity and instead think and believe that i can forever run and hide from myself - instead I commit myself to face myself in realizing that I am always with myself and carrying those parts of me, those moments as me that I have attempting to run away from, and I commit myself to face me, and no longer run away from me and thus use this desire to run away from myself as support in seeing there is something I am not clear within - I am not being self honest about and thus use it to investigate myself as getting to know myself - what is actually here as me, realizing/seeing/understanding that if I am trying to run from myself, I am not living in such a way that is best for me or best for all but instead living in dishonesty and shame as I then try to hide it/get away from it/run from it - I commit myself to stop living in such ways that I want to run away from, instead I commit myself to walk my process of self transformation within the principles that are best for all as breathing, writing, self forgiveness, self honesty and self corrective application - commit myself to live a principled living where I can live out loud, with nothing to hide and nothing to run from, instead absolutely here as who I am as the expression of me as life as the moment I breathe - no shame, only self responsibility


More of the Physical Dimensions within this Memory I will go into in tomorrows blog:

Adrenaline/shaking in my physical after running away from her - in seeing what I had just done, a lot of energy as the fear rushed through my body for actually doing something I thought I could never do - that I 'faced' her in that moment

Relaxing/calming when I reach the girls as they were laughing and so within this saw the 'approval' as now I can be their friend

Until tomorrow...



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