26 June 2013

205: Loneliness Coming Out of the Dark (Suppression)

June 23rd, 2013 - Another night without power in the house

Alone in the Dark

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to go home because there is no electricity and the darkness reminds me of loneliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone without electricity – because within this I feel alone, I feel lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never realize the loneliness that exists within me and only now see it triggered through an outside/external force that reveals to me the loneliness I have within me – realizing that it’s not my environment that ‘causes’ the loneliness, but it is in fact existent within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency on my routine, which is supported with electricity/power for when I come home – within this, defining the things that I do as a normal routine as my comfort and companion and to within this suppress the loneliness existent within me in using this routine for when I come home as a distraction from facing me – from facing my self honesty that I am alone and lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that I am not lonely through creating a routine and structure out of my day that I use to distract myself, to ‘keep myself busy’ to not have to face the reality of myself as loneliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe if I am alone then I am lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use outside external stimulus as a way to hide and run away from the loneliness within me – keeping myself distracted with the various ‘tasks’ I have given myself as my routine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘not myself’ when my routine is disrupted and feel as if I cannot function as I normally do

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my life according to the routine I have created for myself and thus when that routine is disrupted feel as if I have been disrupted - instead of realizing I am still here and thus not defined by my routine - but only through/as the acceptance within myself that i Have created to/towards it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the loneliness within me and thus attempt to hide and not face this loneliness through resisting going home – where there is no electricity – there is no internet, there is nothing I can do as my ‘normal routine’ that keeps me busy and distracted from having to actually face myself and deal with what is actually here as me such as loneliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress lonliness within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to not being able to act out the routine I Have created for myself when I am at home – where I use many things ‘outside of myself’ as a way to keep myself busy and distracted from myself so that I do not have to actually face myself, where I do not have to get to know myself because I fear myself within what I have created such as loneliness – within this realizing that once I face this, I will have to change this and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot change the experience of loneliness within me and instead attempt to run away from it as if thinking that “it’s not here’ instead of realizing I am only suppressing it within me and ‘saving it for later’ where eventually I must face it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency upon my routine while I am at home, and once this routine is disrupted, feel like my life has stopped and I cannot move instead of realizing the opportunity I have now to actually face myself and the points coming up within me such as a dependency to a routine wherein I think and believing my world has stopped because I no longer have it – instead of realizing what has stopped is the distraction and ignorance I have been attempting to exist within – now being faced with the actual reality of myself as being lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not have things to do as how I define ‘things to do’ that matter, such as my routine – then I am not living and I am not ‘connected’ to others and thus feel lonely and isolated

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not lonely or feeling isolated – yet within this suppressing the actual experience of myself through creating outside/external activities for me to constantly be doing and thus when that point of routine is removed or disrupted, face the actual reality of myself as loneliness

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand what I do within suppression - where I push down points of self honesty that I do not want to face, such as loneliness and think and believe I do not have to sort this out - instead of realizing the influence loneliness has on my life, as it's still here within me, I have only attempted to bury it yet not actually removing it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be at my house, because it’s like ‘nothing is here’ within not having electricity – I can no longer participate in my usual routine and thus have to move myself in deciding what I can do with what is here yet resist this – this point of self change and self expansion as self movement where I am supported to realize that I am not defined by the routine I have but who I am within what is here – how my reality changes and how I am able to move myself within it, realizing that if I resist this change, then I am resisting myself and attempting to hold onto a self definition of myself that is limited to that which I do not want to let go of

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define loneliness within/as darkness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life according to being able to move freely as I would like with electrity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated and irritated with the fact that I have no electrity in my home

I forgive myself that I Have not allowed myself to realize the frustration and irritation I experience is NOT about not having electrity – it is about not having my routine – my distraction – my suppression supporter where I do not have to actually face myself as loneliness and can instead distract myself with little activities here and there that I do to ‘keep myself busy’ as to not have to actually STOP and be HERE with myself – in facing myself as the loneliness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a routine out of my life within/as the starting point of/as fear – fear of being/facing me as being lonely

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word lonely with a negative charge and to within this – attempting and seek ways to always avoid loneliness in fear of the association and experience I have attached to it within/as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to fear being lonely is to fear being alone and to fear being alone is to fear myself and to fear myself is to fear being all-one and so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone with/as myself as the actuality of myself within/as every moment as every breath - I am always alone within who I am as what I accept and allow as the nature of me - as the expression of me

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I do not have anything to do now that my ‘routine’ has been disrupted

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe my life has stopped because I no longer have my routine to depend upon to move my life and so within this I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to move myself according to a routine instead of/as self honesty – here, as breath as self movement within/as physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my ability to self movement to be within/as a routine I have created for myself

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am here as self movement with/as each breath

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the support I am being giving in this moment as having to face myself and the gift of being able to move myself without needing a routine to move me or my life

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the support I am being given in realizing that I require to STOP and reassess what I have been accepting and allowing as creating a routine as a way to abdicare (abdicate) self responsibility within self honesty to take a real good look at what is going on within/as me as now I am faced with this loneliness in which I did not realize was here until this point of dependency as my routine was removed and so the picture as the veil being removed I see what is actually here- behind the picture – and it is me, within fear of facing my loneliness

When and as I see myself attempting to suppress, hide and run away from points of self honesty within/as me such as being lonely - I stop and I breathe and I embrace myself in such a moment, embracing me as who I am within/as loneliness in no longer running away from myself, but instead turn and face myself, face this loneliness - get to know where it comes from and why I allow it here as an underlining experience of/as myself as I see/realize/understand that suppression does not mean it goes away, it means I give it more power to influence without my awareness and actually learn to not trust myself as I do not trust myself with this loneliness and instead think and believe I have to bury it within me - instead I commit myself to investigate all points within me, such a loneliness, that i have attempted to suppress within myself in not wanting to face it - not wanting to actually face me - I commit myself to face myself in/as writing, within/as my journey to life - to see what is here as the actuality of me in all aspects, parts and dimensions so that no experience 'comes out of no where' and takes me over in a moment where it's like "where did this come from" - instead I commit myself to get to know myself in all ways, to be able to change and direct myself in ways that are always best for me and best for all and no longer allow suppression to exist within me as I realize it's not going away, it's only being put off for later - which is like, why wait - and so I commit myself to embrace the points that come up for me in each moment as the process of getting to know myself and how I Have designed myself and learn ways to change myself where I am no longer a slave to outside/external forces that I depend upon for a certain feeling or experience or method of suppression and instead stand here, clear, in absolute certainty of who I am and as self trust - trusting myself to be in any situation knowing that I am able to stand self directive in each moment within who I am as each breath and so I commit myself to walking this process of becoming self directive of/as myself and no longer influenced by the experiences I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to bury within/as myself/my mind


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