07 June 2013

193: Asking Permission as Submission

Yesterday I was supported to see this point within myself that has always been here, yet never seen very clearly. And that is the point - seeing clearly, and within that trusting myself to stand as that what I see - and even more within that, to stand self directive in what I see. 

What I have a tendency of doing is not trust myself, trusting another more than me and then asking permission if what I see/say/do is "ok". Within this, submitting myself to another, separating myself and actually limiting myself in saying "I cannot see this for myself, I do not trust myself enough, I am not good enough to see this, to direct this, to make a decision... will you do this for me?" And so within this, not pushing myself to stand up within myself, expecting others to do this for me. Which is actually manipulative as I am then accepting this within myself and changing myself in ways that another will feel they 'should' do this for me. Fortunately I have those in my life that will not accept such a thing and support me in exposing this so that I can face it. 

Basically it's this point of not asserting myself, not standing as myself, thinking I do not have the ability and thus abdicating my power to stand absolutely here, as me, in/as self trust. I realize self trust is that which I develop, because I have always existed in ways in which I cannot trust myself, such as trusting my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions to direct me within my life - which is just then trusting my programming - my brainwashing - my paranoia. Yet now I am walking a journey, a process, of changing and living in ways where I can begin to trust myself. But yes, see this point of still not standing absolutely within myself, as self directive, in what I see and who I am even. Because I ask permission - I think I require assurance and acceptance from others. Completely dis-empowering myself as I become then dependent upon another to validate for me that what I do in fact see, within my directiveness, that's it's "right" and "ok". So this must stop and I must stand up and become equal in who I am as trusting myself in no longer needing any validation as I have come to realize that to require validation for my existence, is like saying, I need something or someone to tell me "I am here" when I am already here. I breathe, I am a body, I am here. It's when I accept the limited version of myself that has always existed in this self definition within the mind that I cannot actually stand here and thus question my existence and thus require validation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be submissive in communication with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become submissive in relation to others and not trust myself and trust another more than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power and authority away to another in relation to me in seeing them as a person that can make decisions for me or validate what it is I see that is best and within my own self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in what I see is best, or within self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a submissive, power giving away mode in relation to others in communication, wherein I will see a point and then go into asking permission if it is right or ok, thinking I will be/am wrong and within this fear of others judging me for being wrong or not accepting me as what I see/say/do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have yet investigated/questioned where this point of being submissive comes from as asking permission from another if what I see/say/do is 'ok' 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require another to say "I'm ok" in what I see/say or do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself in standing self directive in what I see as valid and real and instead give up and give in as abdicating my self responsibility and power to another to reassure me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in such a way where I do not trust myself, as I have always trusted my mind to see for me, as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, which have been programmed into me since the first breath I took here on earth, and so trusting what has been already accepted in this world, trusting the social structures of dominance and submission, in superiority and inferiority and within this, find and accept my placement without questioning that validity or reality within existence as whether it is best for all or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always see through my own filters of how I perceive reality, as always being within self interest and thus not actual reality, yet as images through the mind of how I 'want' to perceive things that validate and assure my self interest and desires and self definition and thus when walking my process of removing the veils from my eyes, not trust what I see because I have never allowed myself to see for real and so when I begin to see what is real, as within common sense or my self honesty, think "I am wrong" and so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as how I perceived reality before where I was never grounded here in actual physical reality and instead up in my head, as in the clouds, floating without substance and existing/seeing in/as the illusion as my imaginations within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not know or to think I do not know what it means to be self directive and assertive as a living statement of who I am here, as what I see in common sense or best for all or my self honesty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life, in relation to others, become intimidated and fearful of others and within this want them to assure me that “I am ok’ within how I see things, instead of realizing that I can stand on my own two feet, here in physical reality, I can be directive as myself in what I see/say/do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I must ask permission for my perspective in how I see things as not trusting myself and instead give this trust to another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a slave in my acceptance of being submissive and belief that I need another’s permission to trust myself in how I see things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe how I see things and my points are not valid in thinking no one hears me anyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that what I say/see/do does not matter
  
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being submissive in relation to others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others as greater than me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must be intimidated by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to stand equal to others/all here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my power to be here, as self directive and directive of myself as each moment as each breath, in allowing intimidation within me in relation to others
  
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self directive power of standing direct in what I see/say/do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my own self authority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the easy way out in not standing within what I see and share, in fearing of how another will react and thus want them to validate me and my existence as to not have to stand responsible for who I am and my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I cannot see direct and what is real as what is here

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I am submissive in relation to others then others will pity me and care about me more as I am then manipulating them to see me as innocent and requiring them to be with me, around me and validating me

 I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others within my self accepted state of 'asking permission' in thinking and believing that within this, they will feel as if they are important and thus within this, I feed their ego and they feed my self created construct that I require another to validate me and assure me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when in communication with others, start to speak/share myself in what I see, my perspective, my directiveness, then go into a point of self doubt and worry and not trusting myself as the words I speak/share and to then place a point of questioning as a way to ask "Is this ok" or "can I have your permission to say this, stand as this, see this in this way" and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down enough in communication with others, to breathe and be here in what I am seeing and to direct myself as the communication, as what I see, as what I say - standing equal to and one with who I am in that moment as my communication and trust that I am here, I can direct myself and I can stand absolutely here as self trust without the validation of another, but instead self assertive in my standing , in/as who I am, in/as physical reality and thus directing myself to be directive in all ways

When and as I see myself going into a point of questioning myself and thus placing this questioning onto another in relation to asking "Is it ok/can I have your permission" to see this, say this, do this, express myself as not trusting myself in that moment and thus thinking and believing I require another to validate me, to reassure me, to give me the ability to be 'ok' with who I am, I stop and I breathe and I do not allow this of myself and instead I slow myself down to see 'where I am' in that moment to assure myself that I am here, I can see and I will direct myself in my self honesty and ability to see within common sense what is best and what is actually here in physical reality as I see/realize/understand the manipulation I am attempting to live out in relation to another as changing myself so that I get what I want as validation and they get what they want in feeling important/needed, is not a valid way to be and only support the self definition as limitation within my mind and so I commit myself to assert myself, within myself, in trusting myself in all ways as the walk a process of grounding myself within physical reality as to be able to see the actuality of reality and thus no more living in ways where I do not trust myself, but instead walk my process of directing myself out of my mind and into actual physical living, with the tools of breathing, writing, self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective statements as to become self directive of myself, as who I am here in each moment in/as the ability to see/say and do what is best for all in each moment, and within self honesty as self trust



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