This blog is continuing specifically from yesterdays blog, where I started the self forgiveness process in relation to the physical dimensions identified within a memory I started walking through lots of blogs ago - the original in the series you can see here.
Adrenaline/shaking in my physical after running away from her - in seeing what I had just done, a lot of energy as the fear rushed through my body for actually doing something I thought I could never do - that I 'faced' her in that moment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energy within my body through the acceptance and allowance of myself within this moment of facing Cristina as 'dumping her' - through fearing of having to actually face her, for having to actually face the decision I was making and within the starting point from which I was moving as self interest - and so within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the physical experience in/as my body of adrenaline/shaking withing my body is actually energy, energy that I accumulated through the act of thinking, where over and over again I imagined and allowed the fear within me of having to actually physically live out my self interest and actually - looking more closely I see that the energy I was experiencing in this moment as adrenaline/shaking was within the running away point I addressed in yesterday blog, where I was literally relieved at what i had done, as energy was gripping me the whole moment of having to actually face Cristina and fear of her reaction and of myself of what I was actually doing in that moment and so I forgive myself that I did not allow myself to see/be aware of the energy that I was accumulating within myself in the moment of telling Cristina I no longer wanted to be her friend, a dishonesty that lied within self interest, and to once that moment was over, running away from her - from myself as what I had actually done - then become aware of the energy within/as my body as adrenaline - like a rush from the moment I just experienced as it was 'out of my nature' as something I never considered I could/would do and in a way thinking I did something cool - as I thought I was 'standing up' for myself, in 'doing what i wanted' when in reality I was in fear of not being accepted or good enough and thus acted out in a way that I thought would get me what I perceived I lacked and so within this nonsensical rationale decided to do something that I would not normally do, which is assert myself to another in declaring 'what I was going to be' and 'who I was' - and basically seeing that I was asserting myself as an abuser - as not actually caring about Cristina but only wanted to do what was best for me, as how I saw myself 'needing' to dump her to be able to get something better - be friends with the two girls in my class I defined as 'cool/superior'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that somehow I was standing up for myself in the moment of telling Cristina I would no longer be her friend and within this define this as something I would 'never do' - as 'speaking up' for myself in asserting myself - as if I was being 'honest' with myself and also this point of never creating conflict - always fearing how others would react and thus I would always keep myself quiet and submissive as to not disturb anyone - and so this moment with Cristina, it was like I was no longer being quiet, and instead I was like 'standing up' for myself, which is absolute bullshit as all I was doing was standing up for my self interest and so more within this see that the energy experience of adrenaline/shakiness was a result from how I had usually accepted my nature within the 'flight or fight' experience - where I would always flight - always 'back down' and not speak up/stand up for myself and so in this moment - experienced myself as if I was in 'fight mode' as standing up for myself/for what i wanted and not running away and so because I went against who I normally am, I experience this energy as a rush of adrenaline for going 'outside my comfort zone' - yet it was all within self dishonesty, fear, desire and self interest and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that energy as adrenaline and shakiness within/as my body means that I am 'doing something good' in terms of changing myself in how I 'normally' am, instead of realizing the abnormal behavior I displayed as justifying the abuse of another for my own self interest and then dare to call it 'standing up for myself
When and as I see myself going into an energetic experience of adrenaline/shakiness within my body, I stop and I breathe and I breathe until the energy stops or I word/sound myself within self forgiveness as to ground myself out of the energetic experience I created in that moment and then investigate where this adrenaline/shakiness/energetic experience is coming from as I see/realize/understand that I have had the tendency in life to define this physical experience of energy consuming my physical body as something good in terms of 'fighting' instead of accepting the 'flight' experience of not standing up for myself - yet to investigate within myself if I am actually being self honest in my standing up for myself and 'facing another' in 'speaking up for myself' as I also see/realize/understand that what this memory reveals is that I have a very distorted concept of what it means to stand up for oneself as I have only done it within the protection of self interest as my ego and not actually within the consideration of equality and oneness or what is best for all and can also see how it is a polarity play out of the 'nature' in which I had accepted myself as being 'quiet, shy and inferior' and thus when I go into the polarity of being "direct, outspoken and assertive', experience the energy I have created through the friction of participating in the polarities within me and so I commit myself to equalize myself with/as breathing in no longer participating in the polarities of my being and from the negative experience attempt to go into the positive and instead investigate myself within writing and self honesty what i am accepting and allowing as 'my nature', find out if it is really 'who I am' or within an abnormal view of myself and others and so I also commit myself to stop the energies I produce through existing in these polarities states within myself, where I will bounce back and forth from the negative to the positive and through this, generate energy within me that I then accumulate and experience once I go into a point that is 'outside' of my 'normal behavior'
Relaxing/calming when I reach the girls as they were laughing and so within this saw the 'approval' as now I can be their friend
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself physically 'relaxed and calm' once I reach the two girls that were waiting for me while I was 'dumping' Cristina - and think and believe that it was because 'it was over' instead of realizing that because of how the girls were laughing I defined this as being something I did was 'OK' and now I am 'accepted' and 'approved' and I am their friend and thus good enough in how i defined them and so then experience like a release within my physical body as the fear energy I was experiencing and the adrenaline/shakiness I felt from the fact that I apparently did something that I normally would not do, and so in this moment of reaching the two girls, let go of all of that energy as the moment 'was over' and so easily I allowed myself to forgot about what I had just done, how Cristina experienced herself, and instead just suppressed the moment that allowed for a temporary physical experience of being 'calm and relaxed' - also instead of seeing that within this 'calm/relaxed' experience, it was in relation to the polarity I had just experienced of being tense and tight, gripped with energy that caused the adrenaline/shakiness experience, and so not an actual physical expression as my physical body of 'calm and relaxed' but more of a releasing of the energy existent within my body
When and as I see myself go into a relaxing/calming physical experience within/as my body, I stop and I breathe and I assess whether this experience is real or not in terms of "is this coming from a polarity experience?" as I see/realize/understand that I if I am within a tensed/energetic/adrenaline rush experience within/as me, I will then go into the polarity once the energy stops and instead of accepting this 'relaxing/calming' experience of my physical body, I investigate it's origin, it's starting point and whether it's an actual real physical expression of/as my physical body because I also see/realize/understand that if it were to be real, it would be constant - it would be here as me always, such a the breath, and so I commit myself to investigate the nature of the energetic/physical experience I have within/as my body - as both the positive and the negative, as I see this 'relaxed/calm' experience was within the positive after coming from the negative experience of 'fear/adrenaline-rush' and so commit myself to stop all energetic experiences within my body that consume me and take over my body completely from the allowance I give to myself in participating in the polarity experiences within me, within my mind and within my body, that then created friction which is the energy - I commit myself to ground myself as walking stable, constant, here with/as breath and I commit myself to investigate myself with writing and self honesty and self forgiveness, as getting to know myself in 'who' I accept and allow myself to be in each moment and the nature of the energetic experiences I have within my life that i have simply just trusted and never questioned, but believed are a part of the human condition/nature
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