21 May 2013

Day 180: What Self Forgiveness Reveals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to apply self forgiveness here and so instead just want to write, yet within this writing without applying self forgiveness - I find the physical goes into a discomfort wherein the words are not 'here' as me, the expression becomes forced and I see this clearly indicate an image/presentation I am trying to display as a way to deliberately avoid myself, as the reality of myself that is here and instead pretend 'all is well' in not actually taking a look at what is going on and what I am attempting to hide from myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hide from myself when I come here to blog in not wanting to apply self forgiveness and instead just want to write and within this defining my writing as better then self forgiveness, as I have allowed many times the ego to come out to play, sort to speak, within my writing as a way to display myself as something other's will like - so again this ego/self interest seeking it's validation of it's existence, for being here, yet not realizing the harm I am actually causing, as I am telling myself not to trust myself, that I do not actually know myself and cannot 'hear' myself as what is here as the truth of myself as I try to hide my-self within the personalities I display - and so within this I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist applying self forgiveness here because within self forgiveness - the truth always comes out, the inner-sights of myself become clear where I can clearly see what I am doing and who I am and so within this resist facing/seeing what is actually going on within me and not wanting to see it/share it in fear of what I might find and what others might think of me

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide myself from self forgiveness and hide myself from others as my self forgiveness in still allowing my original fear in my journey to life to influence me as the fear of 'being exposed' wherein I have walked with this protection of not allowing myself to really go deep into what is here as me in fear of how others will see me - how I will see myself - of actually facing the truth of myself

I forgive myself that I have yet to realize that to fear 'exposing myself' as writing my self forgiveness, in seeing how the reality is always revealed as to 'who I am' in what i am accepting and allowing - fear what i might find and fear how this will make me look, instead of realizing that within this fear is the origin of self interest and in my fear of the reality I go into to desire to present something that I can manipulate and control others with as a way to be 'authority' of myself, yet not at all realizing that the authority I think I have is actually an automation of myself wherein I go into specific personalities that I will present and change into to suit my self interest in the moment

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to play games with myself in terms of deceiving myself in not seeing/standing within self honesty when I see what I am accepting and allowing in terms of 'writing' a blog but not applying self forgiveness - as attempting to not 'go there' - not face the forgiveness as I see/realize/understand that that is where I will find the true problem and ultimately the solution and so within this I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can forever run away from myself as the problem and the solution - in thinking if I don't face it, it somehow isn't real, and yet I see it's influence on my in every moment that I do not breathe, the fact that I cannot breathe, here, as directive principle in every moment without the mind stepping in and taking control as the CON of my consciousness that creates a character in which to survive in this world - that that is proof enough that I require to take a good look at 'who I am' in/as my self forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the power I have within/as self forgiveness and I have shown to myself time and time again the truth of myself as I write/speak my self forgiveness as each layer is pealed of the protection I have placed around me in thinking I need a suit to keep others out and to protect my own survival, not realizing that this world is what causes the belief of needing survival and so I forgive myself I have not allowed myself to question the validity of our world system and my belief that i need to survive, in seeing/realizing/understanding that if I would dare to remove the protection, get back to life, to be here and sort out myself and this world in creating a life support system that allows ALL to life - we will no longer need protection from each other - we will no longer need personalities to present as competition - we will no longer need to pretend that everything is ok when we know it is not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed resistances to self forgiveness and resistances in general direct me in my life instead of realizing the gift they are in showing me where i must go - what I must do in pushing beyond the walls that keep me in place and not willing to expand, because once I do - I will no longer require my defense mechanism as the mind of ego that fights for it's survival - I will become life and I will create life for all equally as me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the depth of my self-deception as the ego of my mind as self interest that forms in many ways in my life is too much for me to handle, is to much to see, is too much as being more then me, instead of realizing it is me and as I see the simplicity of breathing, I allow myself to see the simplicity of one thought, of one memory, of one reactions, within one moment - to take on one thing at a time within me, as I see I have a 7 year journey at least, with plenty of time to walk myself out of my mind and back into reality, as the real expression of life that is here without the guidelines as the dictatorship of my own mind

When and as I see myself not wanting to apply self forgiveness in my Journey to Life blogs, and instead just write as going into a character/personality that will present something of me that is not real but only masking the reality of me - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to/in/as my self honesty, as becoming real with myself as I see/realize/understand that i have had enough of this fake face that I present that can never last, and cannot stand the test of time as it always fluctuate and exist as inconsistency and thus I see I cannot trust it and so I commit myself to becoming self honesty in each moment of breath as I walk myself into/as my daily Journey to Life blog and push myself to not be fake with myself, to not deceive myself, but instead support myself to become real in seeing what it is I am trying to hide, what i am fearing to see, what is actually here and so I commit myself to get to know myself as self trust to be gentle and walk with myself as holding my own hand in supporting myself in this journey into the depths of myself as I see that i might be afraid, I see it is necessary, because if I do not, it will come out in ways I will later regret and so I commit myself to become directive within myself to no longer allow myself to hide from myself, or hide who I really am, or fear myself or fear others - instead I commit myself to support myself with writing self forgiveness as pealing the layers off of my eyes so I can once and for all see for real the totality of our reality and the solutions that are required to be lived as me so I can stand here without fear, worry or blame and instead with/as all life equally - I commit myself to daily self forgiveness in seeing the support it is in taking back the power I have as standing up for/as myself in no longer allow myself to be a slave to my mind as the ego of self interest and instead bring myself back to the interest that is best for all and so seeing this starts with me - it is always me who is responsible for what is here



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