polarity play out of living/not living fulfillment. (You can see the start of this dis-covering process of this point from the first blog here) Where a few years ago I defined myself within a negative experience of 'not doing anything' in terms of actions or responsibilities or giving myself opportunities to grow in my reality and myself and thus believed I was not living a fulfilled life and then how I have come to live out the polarity experience of filling my days with many many responsibilities, that I define myself within a positive experience of being fulfilled, when in reality - within all of this - I am simply trying to fill up the emptiness - the negative - I experience as me. And because I did not establish who I am as self fulfilled, I am not able to walk constant and stable within the responsibilities I take on as they are not giving to me what I am expecting, such as fulfillment and so I give up and turn elsewhere, or separate and outside of myself here, to find this apparent 'feeling' of fulfillment, not realizing I can live fulfillment as who I am here in each moment as each breath
So it's a process of redefining for myself what fulfillment is as a living word - in how I can apply it in my day to day living as physical actions I take and express as who I am here and without a polarity charge of being either positive or negative.
Yesterdays blog was self corrective statements for self forgiveness I applied in the blog before that and so here I want to go back again and look at what I wrote in regards to this negative experience I lived as not being 'fulfilled' and how I judged/defined myself accordingly.
Taking from day 166: Filling My Days to Feel Fulfilled
"And maybe here fear of not having anything to do, in fear of how that defines me - or fear of realizing how I defined myself before as a loser for not giving myself any direction or things to do in life..."
"...I was this lazy, procrastinating, unwilling slug that did not want to do anything or go anywhere, except for where I could get the most energy buzz - anything to feed my self interest..."
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how I am defined by myself and others in not having any responsibilities in my life or not taking any actions as a self direction decision of what I will live as the actions I take
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own self definition of what it means to be fulfilled wherein I define it as being something I 'do' in life as actions and responsibilities and so when not having actions or responsibilities define myself as not living a fulfilled life and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit the definition of the word fulfillment to be within only actions and responsibilities that I do in my life instead of realizing that what i do or don't do is determined by who I am and so I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stand as the word fulfillment as a self expression of who I am to thus be able to always stand as self fulfillment whether I am 'doing something' or not
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the power that i have within defining words within me and within this world wherein through my definition, I influence my experience of who I am as I can see that how I defined the word fulfillment to be something outside and separate from me here - I went on an eternal search for it, not realizing it is here as me if I allow it/accept it/create it and thus live it as me
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear the power I have given to the word fulfillment as a definition of who I am within separation of myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word fulfillment to be that of a polarity existence, where I accept it as either being positive or negative and thus when I see that, through my definition of the word, I am not 'living a fulfilling life' as not having actions and responsibilities I take on in my world - I experience myself and exist as a negative experience and thus desire the positive definition I have given it to be that of 'doing things' in life<
I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to judge and define myself as a loser, as a negative definition of who I am, when I saw myself live out the negative definition I had giving to the word fulfillment - wherein I was not allowing myself to be self directive in decision as what I will do as actions and responsibilities within my life and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a loser for not living according to how I 'thought' I should as the positive definition I had given to the world fulfillment as doing things as actions and responsibilities in my life
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself within a negative energy charge for accepting myself to live the definition of the word fulfillment that i had given to myself as having many things to do in life such as responsibilities and actions and so judge myself when I did not live out the positive definition I had given it - as not doing anything and not giving myself the motivation to do anything
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a negative energy as being as being lazy within not giving myself actions and responsibilities to live within my life
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define and judge myself within a negative energy as being a procrastinator wherein I would not push myself to do anything in my reality yet searched for fulfillment and when I did not live how I defined fulfillment as having responsibilities and actions I take in my life - judge myself as a procrastinator
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not allowing myself to do things in life as how I defined living a life fulfilled, but instead stayed within the confines of self interest where that was the only point that would motivate me to 'do something' such as going out with friends, socializing and partying - wherein i believed that at least I am 'doing something' as an action in my world, yet it was within the self interest of gaining an energetic experience that created a sense of fulfillment within myself and my life yet was not real as I see/realize/understand that I was only trying to hide my disdain for my lack of willingness to actually live
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having anything to do in life as actions and responsibilities and within this how it defines who I am instead of realizing I am defining who I am within actions or non-actions
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself without responsibilities and actions that I can 'do' in this world in fear of who I am without them
When and as I see myself defining and judging myself as not being fulfilled I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to myself here and look at what I am accepting and allowing within this judgment definition to check to see if I am attempting to live a word in separation of me as defining fulfillment to be either positive or negative, as I see/realize/understand that when I do this - separate myself from living the word fulfillment as who I am here, I influence the experience I have to be either positive or negative, instead of simply a physical action I can live and so I commit myself to redefining words as me such as fulfillment to be a constant expression of who I am in each moment as each breath, so I am no longer limiting myself within how i define words, enslaving myself to how I define words, limiting words as living action through only accepting them as either positive or negative experiences, instead I commit myself to live words for real, as who I am here
When and as I see myself allowing fear of not having responsibilities or actions within my world, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the realization that this fear is coming form my own self created definition of the word fulfillment - wherein I believe that if I do things then I am living a fulfilled life, as I see/realize/understand that I am not defined according to 'what' I do but 'who I am' and who I am is within the words I live and so I commit myself to purify my words to be a living expression of who I am here, in each moment, as each breath and without the limited confines of only a positive or negative experience and so also I commit myself to stop fearing myself without responsibilities as within realizing that the fear is coming from within me - fearing myself and so I commit myself to investigate who I am within the words as how I define them with writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements in order to get to know myself as who I am as words and remove that which create instability within me and instead stabilize my definitions of words to be that of physical living actions I can apply within who I am and how I live in this world
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