04 May 2013

163: Day 20 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge - Energy MoveMEnt or Self-MoveMEnt?

Recently I was supported to look at a point within myself as to whether I was moving me - my-self - or if energy was moving me. I responded with a "how do I know"? And in this, I actually believed that I did not know how to distinguish  between whether I am Here, deciding as me as directive principle of myself, or if energy was moving me.

Since then, the point has been quite dominant within me, asking myself, "What is moving me? Is this me moving me? Is this energy moving me?" So really taking a look at who I am in each moment when it comes to making a decision and walking it through into/as the physical as my living actions. What I realize is that I have supported myself with living self movement with the priorities I had determined in my life a few months back and an overall daily schedule that I placed to support me in walking through each point that I see requires my attention daily. I see I am coming to a point where I will be redefining and re-aligning it as to expand myself within some responsibilities as I see that I am beginning to run stagnant in doing the same things, or where I have become effective enough I can now push myself into/as the next point as a way to support my self-expansion - taking on more things that I see I am able to.

Anyways, going back to this point of self supporting self to move self, which I had placed with my daily schedule according to my priorities in life. So when I look back at this moment of 'blankess' where I actually allowed myself to act as if I am ignorant to such a point - I wonder why I allowed this. I do know and am starting to see/realize/understand more and more when I am moving me and when I am not moving me - it is becoming more clear to see who I am in each moment. Obviously breathing supports in such a process, of becoming actually aware of ourselves in each and every single moment, to see what is moving within this - what is the thought, what is the reaction ,what is the energy attached to it - what is the reasoning or logic I am giving to it as a way to validate it, is it common sense? is this best for all? - it's fascinating how much moves within us in just one single in and out breath, yet if we give ourselves the opportunity - we do have the ability to see and from here have the ability to stop and redirect ourselves into the starting point of SELF movement - where we are no longer being the puppets of energy that tell us what to do or how to do it and because of what reason - No. Damnit, I am here and I take back responsibility for every single thing I live out as me in this world and it's time I step it up and become the best possible version of myself I am able to live, HERE, in this Life.

So this point is really about seeing who we are in each moment, assess what is here as ourselves, within our minds, the experience we generate.

Let me give in example - tonight I went out to dinner. On the way home I looked at the time and considered what was left for me to do this evening. Within this, I started seeing thoughts coming up of, "I have to do this and this and this", "but I don't FEEL like doing this or this or this" and then, "maybe tonight I don't have to do this or this or this", "maybe tonight I can just take it easy" and then "yes, tonight I can relax and tomorrow I will do this and this and this... along with tomorrow's responsibility" and so see, this line of thoughts attempting to find a 'way out' in validating why it is I cannot do something, when in reality there is NO REAL purpose as to why not - it's only based on and according to 'how I felt' - which is ENERGY -Energy being the movement in me that determines I wanted to decide to not do something. And so the point here is to NOT listen to the thoughts, as the logic I gave to myself as, "I can do this tomorrow" is really not logical, because tomorrow has it's own day of responsibilities and to allow some to accumulate from today into tomorrow is adding more shit in a day, where I then set myself up to maybe not complete what is required in that day, and so that would carry into the next day and then eventually I am caught in this pattern again of playing catch up - instead of realizing, oh wait - lol, why not DO IT NOW.

So this is where SELF-movement comes into play - where SELF makes the decision, within common sense, that it is practical for me to do this and this and this tonight, as I had already made the commitment and decision to myself - so now all I require is to WALK the decision for real. Self Movement. Moving Myself to walk through the commitments I have made, the responsibilities that i have placed as I see it is best for all. Best for all in the context that what I have to do is/will support me in becoming more effectively self sufficient and no longer needing the energy to fuel me, but recreating myself into living as a decisive human being that can consider common sense in each moment. And so I walk, and assess who I am, live the commitments I have made, support myself in becoming self honesty and make the decisions to always move myself. Not needing energy as feelings or emotions or thoughts to direct me - but to despite that, move myself as I see it is best for all.

Obviously I realize that it's easier to see when negative energy is moving me then when positive energy is moving me - yet I am aware of the positive experience I have, and so am able to also identify the positive energy that moves me. However - patience is key in remembering this is a process. I did not get to the awareness I have now in just one moment - it has taking a bit over 3 years to only now become aware and realize how much I am not paying attention to myself in one single moment, and while it's been a difficult journey - it's one I would never take back, because I can self honestly say that who I am today is a being that actually cares and is willing and committed to living principles that I see can and only will create a reality here that is best for all. As Self moves self to become self responsible as an equal participant in this reality and moving self into a position to actually be the change - but yes, this has to start here with ourselves.

Also - obviously - I am not saying in any way whatsoever that I have perfected myself within this point of self movement, as just in this moment I had the thought to 'take a break' and come back for the self forgiveness  and I saw the energy that was behind the thought to live it out and that to do this would be easy. Yet, lol, having written this out and to not now in this moment apply it, would be dishonest and a deliberate act of not changing. So - ugh, it is a process, and a difficult one at that - but I have the tools. I breathe to let it go and reaffirm who I am and realize the consequences of my actions if I do not push myself. I'm tired of not pushing myself, because I always create the same shit - knowing I can live a more fulfilled life, knowing I can be more and do more and stand more then I ever have before.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that i do not know what it means to move myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to act as if I do not know what is means to move myself and to believe that i don't know if I am moving me or if energy is moving me instead of realizing that I do realize what is moving me and it's within an allowance or a stance - allowing energy to move me or standing up and moving myself and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse that I do not know when energy is moving me or when I am here, moving myself, as a way to deliberately not have to change, to not have to move me within thinking and believing that it's harder to not move me and just allow energy to move me and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on energy to move me instead of learning how to move myself, here, as absolute self directive in every moment, as each breath as an actual awareness of who I am

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create myself in such a way whereas I believe it's easier for energy to move me instead of me moving myself instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that the consequences I create in not moving me is just the same shit within and without wherein I cycle around my life and points within my life because I do not push myself to actually live changes and instead just allow the energy to come and go as controling what I do and don't do and thus just allowing ymself to be a slave in giving energy the power and authority of who I am as how I live

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to trust in the thoughts and emotions and feelings as energy that I experience as in how I attempt to justify and reason with myself why or why I should or should not do something, instead of allowing myself to breathe and take a self honest look at who I am in that very moment - as the thoughts, as the emotions, as the feelings as the energy that is moving me to make a decision to live out - to determine if it is in fact common sense as best for all/me or whether it is a way to abdicate my self responsibility of changing myself to become the best version of me that i can be/live/gift to myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that energy is more then me in being the power and authority that moves me, instead of realizing and utilizing the tools that i have to take back power and control of myself, as making decisions I see are in the best interest of not only myself, but for all, such as breathing  writing, self forgiveness and self corrective statements of who I will be when I come face to face with energy that attempts to move me - to give myself the direction in which to move myself in such a moment  to make a decision to stand up and direct myself in no longer being pushed and pulled by energy and instead stand stable, here in each moment, as each breath

I forgive myself that i Have not yet allowed myself to slow myself down enough to see every thought, every feeling, every emotion as the energy experience i define as me - to see what is moving me, realizing that i have the ability to actually see, to actually become aware and even - oh my, dare I.. to stop and change me in deciding to move myself and no longer requiring energy to move me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see fully the positive energy that moves me as I have been able to identify the negative energy that moves me - realizing that both polarities are equal and one, and energy is energy and so it's either me moving me or using MY own energy to move myself, as making a decision of who I will be in such a moment, in that reasons as to why I can or cannot change or one that takes a stand and decides to live in pushing myself beyond my own self created limitations

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to allow the energy to move me in moments wherein I believe that it is easier to do so, instead of allowing myself to remember these moments where I push myself to actually move myself and in this how I take back power and control and am no longer a slave to the experience I am creating, such as 'feeling' like I don't want to do something, yet see in common sense it's best if I do and so from here deciding to do it and thus living it and once I take this application and walk it for real, the experience I had as the feelings or emotions soon dissipate and I am left with the self support to trust myself even more in knowing that I will push myself and I will allow myself to live and I will allow myself to no longer accept myself within the limitations of a thought that tells me who I am or defines me within what I am capable of

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be deliberate in my decision to follow energy as the master of myself in moving myself within positive and negative polarities, where according to how I feel or experience myself, I will accept it as me and thus allow the energy to move me, instead of realizing that in that moment I DO see what i am accepting and allowing, yet i have not been willing to be self honest in SLOWING myself down in order to actually see and stop and change and so I forgive myself that i Have not yet allowed myself to absolute walk in slow motion, where I walk in/as/with each breath, in and out. to really get to see and know who I am in each and every single moment as a way to assess who I am and where I am at an what is moving me as the accepted self definitions as the self created nature - I see/realize/understand that i have created this me as the nature I am with the logic that drives it and so I have the ability to change it, the nature of me and and stand within common sense and what is best for all realizing that once i change me, I can change all of me, yet I must first start here, learning to live the meaning of moving within self responsibility - becoming responsible for myself and my participation in this world, whether I am actually here or not, whether I am actually standing up to create who I am and what is best for all and no longer allowing myself to believe I am a slave, to myself or to this world.

When and as I see myself moving within/as energy, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to slowing myself down to be able to actually 'see' who I am in such movement, to either in that moment self investigate the thoughts, emotions, feelings as experience  reactions, beliefs or to flag such a moment for myself later to sit and see who I am within this movement as being pushed and pulled by energy so that I can sort out the relationships within myself that i have abdicated myself and my living to, as the reasoning I have given to myself as to why I cannot live more than what i have accented as me as the limitation of me and to once and for all push myself to do/live/be/give more of myself as I see I am able as I see/realize/understand the consequence I create and the cycles of shit that I continue to walk through that do not support me or support anyone/thing in this world, as I have not been able to actually change me, as I am allowing myself to simple exist as a pattern and so I commit myself to investigate myself as the nature of myself, as what i have accepted to be as my thoughts, feelings, emotions  experiences, reactions as the decisions to move me and see what energy exists as all of this to see what is pushing/pulling/moving me to be able to release it in no longer accepting nonsensical reasoning as to why I cannot live to my utmost potential as applying and giving all of myself in each moment as each point, responsibility and priority I have within all of my days - I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to be moved by energy but to instead stand constant as self movement in always assessing what is common sense and best for all and from here decide and commit to live in real time physical reality that which I see/realize/understand is best for me as all of me

I commit myself to no longer accepting enslavement to energy and assert myself here as Life

I commit myself to no longer accepting the limitations I see as my thoughts, feelings, emotions to direct me in my day to day living and instead utilize the tools and supportive daily schedule I have given to myself in order to LIVE myself as self movement - taking on each daily responsibility as the commit and decision of walking practical, physical change, Here



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