I have been in school, educating myself within the system to provide myself with the means in which have become necessary to move myself in the system most effectively - that was a priority. Going to class, doing my homework and staying active within my schools community as far as tutoring and interacting with my peers.
I have a process that I am walking within all of this - a daily self reflection with writing, self forgiveness and self commitment/corrective statements and application - this was my number one priority. This is the point that supports me within every other thing I do during my days, it supports in developing who I am as integrity, self honesty and discipline. It consists of not only 'on my own' inner self work, but also courses provided in order to support me even more unconditionally in the process of self change/transformation. This was my priority.
Even the little things in life, like playing with the animals, expanding my skills in the kitchen, enjoying myself in nature - these were all important to me in learning how to live for myself, as myself, unconditional, here, without the 'need' of anything or anyone to complete me.
Once I had established within myself what was priority - I took it upon myself to apply myself within doing all these things that I saw were necessary in supporting me to become effective in living day to day in establishing who I am within myself and within this world. The priority point was pushed upon me or emerged coming out of a desperate search for a relationship.
You see - I have been programmed throughout my life to desire and search for the one. The one other being in this reality that will somehow make my life worth living. Once I realized that this was a process of automation that I was on - constantly looking outside of myself and separate from myself here, and how much I was compromising who I am in this life, in my life - in what I was doing and what I was actually giving up for this search/the one - I was angry at myself. I could not believe I had allowed myself to abuse myself in not placing me, my world and the things I hold to be valuable in this life as priority.
So after having to face myself as who I was within desire for a relationship, and who I had become in an actual relationship - I saw just how much of myself I gave up. How I let go of things that mattered to me for someone else. And this really made me take a look at myself. Like what the fuck - do I not have even an ounce of self value to honor myself enough to place myself, my life and what will in allways support me to become a better human being as priority? So with just a bit of awareness I saw what I was doing and for what reason and purpose and realized it wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth it because I was not living for me. I was living for another. And this is unacceptable. I have always been willing to sacrifice myself for a relationship with another person - and I see because I never honored or cared about myself. I believed I needed another to honor and care for me. I thought that was what defined my worth. I thought that was what mattered. I thought that was the reason for life.
So - I stood from this and said no, I will not accept this of myself. I, for the most part, or am starting to realize, what I want in this life, and it has taken a 3 year process to get me to the point, but I saw that it's time for me to start worrying and taking care of me. I agreed and committed myself to let go the search, the energy I was giving to finding something outside of myself to give me what I was looking for - which was what I defined life. I asserted myself within myself as far as what I wanted to do and I saw how I could do it. I sat with myself, I wrote about what mattered to me, what was priority in order to move myself and my life effectively and the best way I could see at the time, and I looked at what I needed practically in order to do this. So I gave myself a schedule, and I pushed myself to each day take on each point I had prioritized for myself. And I walked this, and I was satisfied.
Until I was tested again and I fell. The pattern of myself to fall for relationships still existent, I 'forgot' about my priorities, or put them on the back burning - left to build consequence while I was content in what I believed I had found. Fuck, it's like I have been on a quest for a hidden treasure - LOL - looking for my precious. Fuck. Don't I see, to depend on another for my self worth and honor is to become a slave - to become subject to something outside of me - never standing in/as myself here in absolute certainty of who I am and what I will live in this life. In this, I give away my power to live, to life.
This time around I immediately saw what I was doing, but could not or did not stop myself effectively. I have been walking in a blur for the last 2 weeks slowly trying to regain my footing. And although I had already established a VERY COOL support system from which to walk, as this 21-day breathing challenge, I did not apply it as proper support for myself. I squandered the opportunity I had already placed for myself. I gave in too many times at the opportunity to fulfill that which I believed would make me feel the best. But this is fleeting... because at the end of the day, I am left with myself, and my reality and what is here as the life I have created. And when I look at what i have allowed the last few weeks, I am not ashamed, but I am definitely not cool with it. Because I know it didn't have to go this way - I could have continued walking with myself as priority, but I didn't. Ok, so nothing I can do about that now - only face it and forgive it and give myself some practical applications as solutions to this 'problem'. How can I direct myself back to the starting point of/for me, self, here?
I did not want to write here tonight, and I actually went to bed to let this go. But I could not sleep and so came back here to write it out, to be self honest with myself, and to regain the relationship with myself that I want/require to be priority in my life.
I will continue in the next blog with self forgiveness and self corrective/commitment statements and support for myself in how I will walk myself back out of the search within my mind and back into physical reality; living what is practically best for not just me, but for all.
Embrace Yourself as the Responsibility we have to Ourselves:
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