For real this time, THIS is the final blog in this series I have been walking:
Day 132 - Fear put my in my place
Day 133 - Humbled by seeing and shamed by my blame - bringing the fear back to myself.
Day 134 - The Anger I fear in Another is the Anger within Myself
Day 135 - Seeing the Reflection of Myself
Day 136 - Deceptive Denial of the Change Required
Day 137 - Learning How to Love My-Self before I can Love my Neighbor
Day 138 - A Word with the Power to Change Me
Day 139 - From the Fear & Blame(Problem), back to Self(Solution) and the Reward
When this moment happened, the one that I have been working with for the last 9 days, I was experiencing a lot of energetic influence. Meaning - when I stepped outside my house to either go to class or go to work or take out the trash, my thoughts were running about my neighbor, and what if I saw him, and what would happened and how would he act and how would I act and what if he can see me and what is he thinking, how is he feeling about this? When I stepped outside of my house(I initially wrote 'myself' here - which is essentially what I'm doing when I am caught up in the energy of thoughts/feelings/emotions/reactions, not breathing and thus in my mind, separate and outside of myself from myself here), because I live so close to the person I had this experience in relation to, I would go into this energetic possession of being tense in my body and worrying about him seeing me or having to face him; there was extreme resistance to having to go out and actually face him. So there was a lot of energy around this point within myself.
In the last 9 days, every day I have been directing myself within this point, I have experienced the energy to be less, and less and less, until really it's not even something I have thought about anymore, in regards to being outside and having to see him. So there has been definitely a redirection of the energy wherein I have 'let it go' and released it from possessing me every time I need to leave my house. I am no longer taking this point personally, it is no longer overwhelming me and the idea of having to see him does not bring up too much energy reaction about it.
the idea of having to see him does not bring up too much energy reaction about it.
"Too much" - meaning there is still some. Today while I came home from class, I saw that as I was parking my car, thoughts came up in relation to seeing him and I did worry a bit about having to see him. Which I'm sure eventually I will considering he is my neighbor. However, even though the thoughts came up, I was not too concerned about it and didn't allow it to effect me or did not give them attention as in playing out the whole thing in my head. But here I want to apply some self forgiveness for the worry and future projection I did see within me in this moment, where I worried what it would be like to see him after all of this, and how I would be in seeing him/facing him.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about seeing my neighbor again
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thoughts of worry of having to see my neighbor again
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to unconditionally let this point go, in relation to my neighbor, in realizing that to worry about it now is only separating myself from myself here, as breathing and thus I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as the moment of breath in worrying about seeing my neighbor again
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the future projection of seeing my neighbor again and wonder what I will be like and wonder what he will be like
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry there will forever be tension between us after the moment we had online, instead of allowing myself to simply take responsibility for the participation I had within it and to unconditionally let it go as I realize that to hold onto it would be to carry around the past and allow it to influence me in moments of myself here, as the presence
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about my neighbor and running into him when I pull up to my house in my car
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about how I will act if/when I see my neighbor again, instead of realizing that if I am here, as the directive principle of myself, and breathing in such a moment, than I will be here unconditionally, without this past experience between us influencing me in the moment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what it will be like to see my neighbor again, instead of letting it go completely, realizing I have taken responsibility for myself in that which I allowed and thus to correct this point would be to let it go in no longer holding onto any blame or resentments or fear
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to think about future projections of running into my neighbor again is separating myself from myself here and adding more energy to the point I have already sorted out within myself, and thus is self sabotage, as I am adding more 'fuel to the fire' as the thoughts produce energy and if I participate enough, I will become possessed again in moments of seeing him wherein I no longer have directive will over myself and thus a slave to my emotions and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing even one thought about my neighbor and seeing him again exist within and as me instead of stopping, deleting and breathing myself back into/as the moment as my body and out of my mind
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to delete all/any thoughts that come up in relate to my neighbor and seeing him again
When and as I see myself participating/accepting/allowing thoughts and energy as emotions to come up in relation to my neighbor and seeing him again, I stop and I breathe, bringing myself out of my mind and into my body and I say, "delete" in no longer allowing these thoughts to exist within and as me as I see/realize/understand that if I allow myself to participate in these thoughts, then slowly but surely I will create more and more energy/emotion around this point and in relation to him which will ultimately lead to another point of possession where I am constantly worrying about seeing him when I am outside of my house and so I commit myself to stop all thoughts, all future projections, all emotions, all fear in regards to seeing my neighbor again through breathing and stopping the thoughts as they arise. I commit myself to letting go of this point unconditionally as I have supported myself to direct myself within the initial energetic experience and thus I commit myself to not sabotaging myself in creating more energy around it through thoughts about it and so I commit myself to stop, delete the thoughts breathe and move myself as my physical body in getting out of my head and back here into/as reality and the awareness of the moment of myself as the presence, as directive principle and no longer a slave to my mind
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