30 April 2013

158 - Day 15 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge - Self Interest in Communication

So while in communication with another recently, I saw an 'easiness' to it where it just flowed, and I was here and could be open and expressive and in that enjoyed myself with/as another. Then we communicated again, and I saw something shift, something change. I know it wasn't the 'other' - it was me - it's always me I see. Because according to how I placed/defined the first communication - placing it on a pedestal within a positive polarity charge - when the communication happened again, I had something to compare it to - created then an expectation and thus did not 'live up' to the initial judgment of it. I went into a negative experience within/as myself and I saw what was creating. Me - me within thoughts and fears and uncertainty and assumptions; interpreting another's words according to my own mental filters and so within this stops me from being here, in/as my communication, unconditional, and instead go into my thinking and wondering and fearing 'what is going on' because the communication is not the positive experience I allowed of it to be the time before.

So it's like setting self up for failure, in existing in expectation and comparison - not allowing the moment to be here and new and without influences from past moments or expectations to be similar to past moments. Why not allow every moment to stand as it's own?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn communication with another into something only about ME, my experience, my feelings, my "needs" - not standing here with as another as the communication we share but instead exist within my mind where there is only self to gain something and usually in the form of abuse towards another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within communicating with another, define it within separation as a positive experience and attach a positive energy to it, wherein I feet 'good' about the communication and so within this, want to hold onto this point as to keep myself 'feeling' positive, but the negative is obviously not a cool experience, and now that i have found a point to get positive energy from, I want to hold onto it as my own personal source of energy - sounds like a vampire eh?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge communication with another as being positive and so within this comparing all others moments of communication as unequal in seeing it as less then the positive reaction and within this I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the communication is what I am experiencing as somethign positive - instead of seeing/realizing/understand that it is ME that I am experiencing; my own self created positive experience that i believe will last an eternity, instead of realizing the harm I am actually doing as the starting point for creating such a definition - as I am within judgment, comparison  expectation and self interest = separation- attempting to seek a fulfilling experience as communication for myself and not being here unconditional with/as ALL that is here in the moment - the other being, the physical environment, the sounds, the smells, the animals - limiting myself into/as this bubble of positive experience not realizing it is by own self creating a bubble that I must now pop

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as expectation in communication with another, as how I defined a previous communication as positive and thus carry this experience as a feeling as energy into/as the next communication and so from there, expect it Will 'be the same' as desiring to have the same experience of 'feeling good' and when I interpret someone's words as not in alignment to my expectation - go into fear and worry and doubt - thinking and believing there is 'something wrong' instead of realizing/seeing what i was doing in that moment as carrying the past into the present and holding it hostage to recreate for myself (self interest  an experience that would escape me from the dullness of communication I think I have with others

And so I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to judge all other communication that I Have with others as being dull - in the comparisons of communication with  another that is cool and effective, yet take this cool and effective point and turn it into something that I can use for my own self interest and abuse of all others, through my mind as seeing them as inferior or boring or not enjoyable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind when and as I feel like communication with another in not living up to the comparisons I have placed on it as being 'enjoyable and cool', as thinking and believing there is something 'wrong' instead of realizing that all I am doing is failing to recreate a pat moment that I defined as 'positive' and thus believing something is now wrong, when in reality the point that is 'off' is me, not here, breathing and not in expectation from the communication to give me something, but to be here, simply, expressing without conditions

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use others for my own self interest in seeking a positive feeling within/as myself

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to become like a vampire in seeking and sucking out energy wherever I can find it - as the positive charge feelings that get my high in defining communication with another as positive - and so when I see this source is no longer providing me with the energy, go into a reaction of believing there is something 'wrong' - when the only thing that is wrong per say is the expectation to fulfill self interest in gaining something from another

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define communication to have to be within the same experience I had previously and so within this judge it if it is not

I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to use communication as a means to get energy as positive feelings

I forgive myself that i Have not allowed myself to push to breathe in moments of communication to stop all energy movement within/as me that attempts to define and judge the communication within separation as polarity if either 'good or bad', "positive or negative"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself here as the moment of breathing when communicating with another as I see/realize/understand that if I am not 'here' - breathing, then I am within my mind taking notes and comparing and judging the present to the past, wherein I am then stuck in the past and not 'here' as the totality of the moment and thus not actually able to hear what is here as the words of another and so I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the importance of being here when communicating with another as I see/realize/understand the influence of energy on communication and then becomes the directive principle of the moment, instead of me an so even within this I forgive myself that i Have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for myself as communication with another in not being here as breathing when speaking/communicating with another and instead give up my power and authority to the mind to tell me 'how to' define it, whether it is acceptable or not, and how I should 'feel' about it instead of realizing that I do not require to feel anything about it, it is just words interacting with another and if my starting point was not within self interest then I would not attempt to make it into something that gives me a good feeling

When and as I see myself wanting to hold onto or holding onto a past moment of communicating with another where I define it as 'positive' - I stop and I breathe and bring myself back here, back to myself as the physical and investigate what it is I am attempting to 'hold onto' as a way to carry the past with me into the present as I see/realize/understand that when I do this I am in judgment of the present moment, the new breath, according to how I have defined the past moment and so I commit myself to investigate who I am within the past moment of communicating with others to see the nature of the relationship I have created towards it and what I am believing I must hold onto and so commit myself to realize that in wanting to hold onto a past moment implies I believe I am missing or lacking something and so investigate within myself with writing, self forgiveness to see what it is I believe I must hold onto, and why I believe I have to generate a positive feeling that in the end I am afraid to lose and so showing that the desire to hold onto something is within the starting point of fear - fear of loss - negative to positive

When and as I see myself attempting to gain a positive feeling as self interest in communicating with another, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to myself here in no longer allowing energy to direct me as I see/realize/understand that to seek a gain in communication with another, such as an energy fix of positive - if I do not get that, then I go into the negative polarity and allow my reaction to influence myself here as the words I communicate with and thus not here, not responsible for myself and so I commit myself to realizing that I do not require energy to communicate with another - I do not need energy to exist - I can function without the positive or negative definition I have given to all things real in reality and thus separated myself from all things here as reality through defining them within a polarity design used to support my self interest

Featured Artwork By: Marlen Vargas Del Razo

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