27 April 2013

156: Day 13 of 21-Day Breathing Challenge - Being Self Honest about Not Breathing

I have started and erased this blog 3 times now. What I see is that I want to write a blog related to 'breathing' because of the '21 day breathing challenge' I am walking, so it's like I want to express some kind of profound realization or insight I uncovered today with/as breathing. When the truth is, today was not an effective day of breathing. It was an effective day of doing things that required to be done, but in terms of slowing myself with/as breath, I see I could have been more effective.

And so instead of addressing at or looking at those moments that I did not stop and breathe, bringing myself back here, instead I want to 'pretend' all is well in my process and do not actually looking at the truth of myself. So interesting point because of what I addressed in yesterday's blog, where I see this point of attempting to cover up or ignore what is actually going on, 'behind the scenes' but instead of dealing with it/sorting it out, its instead like, "ok, make a pretty picture of today - "full of cool insights and self support".

lol - I have to be self honest and say this is not an easy process and if it was, it would not be a process, it would an instant change. but instead there is resistance and back chats and automation of behavior and self doubt and desire and the rush of being the mind. So I need to stop being hard on myself in terms of seeing how I am wanting to just ignore those little moments where I see I go into my mind, as saying, fuck, I cannot admit to myself or anyone that I've allowed myself to fall into the mind, and that I wasn't breathing, but if I cannot be self honest about that point alone, then fuck I have a long way to walk still.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberate attempt to ignore and not address as in facing myself in those moments where I see I turn to the Mind for guidance or direction and instead want to pretend that I am ok and that I am clear and all is well

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to beleive that if I ignore those little moments that i go into my mind with thinking and believing "its cool, I'm ok", that I will not have to ever face it, instead of realizing that this reality is based upon consequence and thus who I am in each moment has an outflow in/as creation as consequence and so I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for the consequences I create in abdicating my self responsibility within being self honest in each moment when I see I am not 'here' but instead attempting to feel better in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the positive within my mind is real

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to never question the real origin of who I am as seeking positivity, as I now see/realize/understand that is starts within a self created/accepted experience of negativity and so through my judgments of myself and my reality I seek out something else, something separate from me here, instead of dealing with myself here

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself in attempting to ignore those moments where I see I go into my mind, where there are thoughts and memories and future projections displaying an image for me to watch and feelings and emotions to participate with and within this, believe that I do not have to take responsibility for this as the moment

I forgive myself that i have accepted anda llowed mysef to want to express myself as being full of insights and having cool realizations instead of becoming self honest with myself in realizing that this process is not pretty, it's ugly lol - because within, the inner self has created a hell and so we have to sort that out and so I forgive myself that i Have not yet allowe dmyself to unconditionally embrace myself as who I am here within and without, in taking responsibility for what i have created as my mind - as the negative being that i am that is attempting to find solace separate from me here

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that instead of running away from who I am, I can deal with it and sort it out and release myself from it - as it is me and thus standing equal to it I have the ability to change it

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the 'real me' as who I am within/as my mind that exists as polarity, starting in the negative and turning to the positive to 'make it better'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue in wanting to present myself as a certain image within having 'cool insights' and self realization within the 21 day breathing challenge, instead of getting and becoming and standing self honest with myself about who I am in each and every single moment as breath and/or separated from breath, in realizing that who I have always been in self deceptive; deceiving myself and others and this reality in not having to have the truth, I have created a hell within/as me where I am not directive principle of who I am in each moment, but instead I am running on autopilot wherein I follow the thoughts and the direction of the mind as fear and desire and self interest - showing me again how this world exists the way it does because of who I am as the existence of myself

When and as I see myself attempting to deceive myself in not looking at those moments throughout my day where I see I fall into my mind and separate myself from breathing, and then want to 'pretend' like I did not fall, but instead had a 'cool day' in terms of having some profound insight or realization as presenting myself as an image I hope others will accept, I stop and I breathe and I do not allow myself to move from self deceptive as I see/realize/understand that who I am in each moment, as thought, word and deed, has an outflow consequence and thus I take responsibility for myself as walking the journey to life in getting to know who I am and how I have created myself to be the way that I am and thus finding out how I create my reality to be what it is, the micro and the macro and so I commit myself to push myself into absolute self honesty in facing the truth of myself as what is going on within my in those moments where I am not breathing; what am I seeing, what am I participating in, what am I believing, why am I not here? and so I commit myself to daily self investigation - to see within me as self intimacy in learning about myself in ways that I have attempted to run away from. No more running, only standing within principles as what is best for all.

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